Maylady Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 It seems to happen a lot. The MM just goes back to his wife. It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us. Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. How can they just walk like that Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 He has a life built with his wife. An affair seems nearly inconsequential. This is exactly the reason not to be involved with someone who’s already attached or legally bound to someone else. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 46 minutes ago, Maylady said: It seems to happen a lot. The MM just goes back to his wife. It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us. Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. How can they just walk like that Nothing saying that his life at home after discovery is “easy.” In fact, I would say that it’s likely not very much fun at all. He can walk away like that because his wife/marriage is his primary relationship. They share a home, children, a whole life together… and that should not be underestimated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maylady Posted October 4, 2022 Author Share Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Nothing saying that his life at home after discovery is “easy.” In fact, I would say that it’s likely not very much fun at all. He can walk away like that because his wife/marriage is his primary relationship. They share a home, children, a whole life together… and that should not be underestimated. It's like hell on earth, which also begs the question, why stay? Edited October 4, 2022 by Maylady Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 53 minutes ago, Maylady said: The MM just goes back to his wife. Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. Unfortunately this is not a "man" thing, it's a "married" thing. There is too much to lose with a spouse. A lover is more like dessert and completely disposable at any time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Maylady said: why stay? Why do individuals stay stuck in unhealthy patterns? It does boggle the mind and it happens all the time. If you’re thinking it has anything to do with you it doesn’t. Those are all his decisions he’s chosen and a life he still chooses to live. Edited October 4, 2022 by glows 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maylady Posted October 4, 2022 Author Share Posted October 4, 2022 35 minutes ago, glows said: Why do individuals stay stuck in unhealthy patterns? It does boggle the mind and it happens all the time. If you’re thinking it has anything to do with you it doesn’t. Those are all his decisions he’s chosen and a life he still chooses to live. I'm totally over it now. I just wonder how it's so easy to just disappear like the other person was so easily dispensable. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 14 minutes ago, Maylady said: I'm totally over it now. I just wonder how it's so easy to just disappear like the other person was so easily dispensable. I don’t understand that either. That’s why we date to get to know someone. A person who’s already attached yet going outside of the marriage likely just isn’t available in the way we’re hoping for. You’re a single woman? Go out and celebrate. You are so free of this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 1 hour ago, Maylady said: It's like hell on earth, which also begs the question, why stay? Because he has apparently decided that it’s still the better option… he has a lot to lose by leaving his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: I don’t understand that either. No, but the fact that he is able to walk away like the other person/relationship is disposable may speak to the character of the the man and say a lot about how he truly valued the relationship. The other thing that it speaks to is the reconciliation… It’s entirely possible that she has required him to end all contact with his affair partner and the fact that he has done that shows where his loyalty lays… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 I can say that my exH moved in and out of affairs often. He always wanted to stay married but he also wanted second helpings. He needed attention- ego boosts - and he always needed to feel like he was pulling a fast one on people he claimed “to love”. his type of capability in “loving” was extremely showy and very SHALLOW. His sense of alliance was ONLY to himself. So in a nutshell = selfish. That’s all he was capable of - selfishness. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 I think as the xAP you can torture yourself into thinking about whats happening in xMM life. Its unhealthy if understandable. But its not the same for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 He's not returning to his wife. He never left his wife. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 2 hours ago, Maylady said: like the other person was so easily dispensable. Because they have an entire life with someone else so a lover is in fact dispensable like a hobby or something that is not as important as work and family. Unfortunately you seem to be operating on the principle that this was a balanced relationship. 5 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 It's also easier for the man to get over the affair because men can compartmentalize. So when the affair is over they can close that compartment and move on or back to their real life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) I cannot help but rejoice in your freedom for you… it may be difficult at first but you no longer have to factor him into your life or try to twist yourself into a pretzel figuring out how to get him to be with you full time. Edited October 4, 2022 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 5 hours ago, Maylady said: It's like hell on earth, which also begs the question, why stay? It really isn't hell on earth for him he just made you believe that so he could have the affair. If he had said "I'm in love with may wife and we have a great life; but I would like to have some extra sex on the side with someone different" would you have still gotten involved with him? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) 32 minutes ago, stillafool said: It really isn't hell on earth for him he just made you believe that so he could have the affair. If he had said "I'm in love with may wife and we have a great life; but I would like to have some extra sex on the side with someone different" would you have still gotten involved with him? Yep, typically cheating MM paint the wife as horrible - when in fact she is there usually making his life easier as his partner. a cheating MM isn’t honest. If he were you wouldn’t feel so sorry for him. And then you wouldn’t feel the need to fix it for him - make him happier…right? Edited October 4, 2022 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 I’d guess that maybe you started expecting something from him. That’s generally when they dream up another lie to make YOU back off and expect less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 5, 2022 Share Posted October 5, 2022 Due to the very nature of your relationship with him, you put yourself in a position of being disposable. If you want more certainty in a relationship, choose a partner who is in a position to be able to commit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 5, 2022 Share Posted October 5, 2022 Looking at your history, it seems that pitching yourself as the victim has been part of your approach since the beginning. Fact is, you knew he was married and made a choice to get involved with him. You have since reached the logical conclusion of your decisions. It's way past time that you took some responsibility for your own choices and how those choices have put you in this position. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2022 Share Posted October 5, 2022 19 hours ago, Maylady said: . It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us. Keep in mind that unavailable people choose other unavailable people, so reflect on why you went down this road. Affairs are easy for both people because they require nothing but sneaky ways to meet. There's really no emotional intimacy because there's no honesty or trust or building anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 5, 2022 Share Posted October 5, 2022 Remember, often times OW are the extra topping on the dessert. Not the main dessert. Women often confuse an affair= man doesn't love his wife, must be a horrible relationship, it is one or the other. Most often than that, it isn't that men want one or the other, they want both. If forced to chose, they stick with their main dish, not the extra toppings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 5, 2022 Share Posted October 5, 2022 (edited) I find it odd that MM's are being mentioned here but MW's are not. Like MWs never choose to stay in their marriage with their unhappy partner post Dday?? Of course that happens all the time, too. I think that part of the answer to your question is that ending a marriage is a BIG change and a big deal, with associated ripple effects (such as impacts on finances and children) and so simply not something everyone really wants to deal with. Unhappy marriages that continue despite entrenched problems are common enough to be cliche. A 2nd factor is probably often the psychological effect of the prospect of breaking up. Break ups often cause a large drop in dopamine. I believe many APs are, in part, "chasing" dopamine. (This is part of what "drives" a normal relationship as well.) The AP isn't happy enough (in part, getting enough dopamine) in the partnership, and cheating and/or developing a "bond" with a potential partner boosts it and so (genuinely) makes them happier. They then continue this reinforced behavior. However, a Dday and the sudden and often quite real prospect of losing their "main" partner creates a very large drop in dopamine. Rather than deal with this dopamine drop, they attempt to salvage the main relationship in part in an effort to avoid it and the (often very real, for them) associated distress. Ironically, it's not uncommon for the BS to have essentially zero interest in anything other than separating at that point. So they sometimes "chase" and/or try to reconcile to little avail. I don't think anyone can give you a "complete" answer, but I think these are two major factors, as are many of the points being made above by other posters. Edited October 5, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted October 5, 2022 Share Posted October 5, 2022 Marriage = real life. Affair = distraction from real life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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