Does my 'partner' sounds like a Dismissive Avoidant?

[xxbr96]

Hi all, thank you for taking the time out to answer and give me some insight. I know that nobody here will have all the answers, but a bit of insight and advice would be appreciated.

I am an early 20s woman and my partner(ex as of 14days ago) is also early 20s. My attachment style is Secure, potentially leading onto anxious, however I do put the anxiousness down to how our relationship has made me feel over the course of 4years.

I will now give some insight into how we met, his behaviours and how he deals with conflict.

I met my partner in a nighclub, I was actually speaking to his friend first, his friend approached me, offered me a drink and spoke to me, my boyfriend was somewhere in the crowd but I did notice him as he did not approach me. Anyway towards the end of my night, my boyfriend finally plucked up the courage to speak to me, I remember him being plesant and polite. I ended up giving my number to his friend and left.

Anyway when I got home I recieved a text from the guy in the club, I thought it was the guy who asked for my num(turned out it was actually my boyfriend, well, soon to be) we text and everything seemed fine. He took an interest in me, wasn't too full on and communicated fine. Text me daily, asked me what I was doing etc.

Fast foward 2 months, he is picking me up from work every day, it's moving quite fast. This is all his idea. I kinda just went with the flow, he never overstepped any boundaries and was very caring, VERY affectionate and touchy. I liked it.

3 months later, I tell this guy I'm speaking to (soon to be boyfriend) I am going travelling around Asia alone. I like him, it's been great but I'm going. He tells me this is amazing and he will miss me. Anyway 1.5months into my travels, he flies out to see me as he "wants to be with me" it all seems very intense and foward, but it worked.

We came home from Asia and things just worked out from there. He helped me during a dark period of life when my mother died. His communication,commitment and dedication was great at this point. He was overly affectionate probably abit more than me but nothing that was relationship-killer worthy.

Then I started seeing red flags. We argued the day before my birthday, he said "I will go if you want" I replied, "up to you. I'm not keeping you hostage" and he FLEW out the door. Didnt say goodbye, say anything just left (avoiding conflict and the situation at hand) I never heard from him for 4 days until I got in touch,he arranged to see me, came around and we were fine. 

Fast foward to now. My boyfriend cannot deal with any sort of conflict, problems or drama that involve HIM. For example, if I come up to my boyfriend and explain to him I am stressed at work he is supportive as the problem at hand does not involve him, however, God forbid I have a problem with him or anything to do with him, he becomes extremely defensive, shuts down and does not want to know, does not realise that his lack of communication and self awareness puts a huge strain on us.

My BF a few months ago had a problem with his overbearing mother, I encouraged him to have a word with her and talk about it as it was effecting me too. Instead he COMPLETELY shut down, and just ignored all her calls, she then proceeded to phone him even more and me, I told her to back off(I was stressed) he then feels even more threatened as there is now more conflict, runs OUT of my house and goes home for 5weeks??? It was a terible case of push and pull to get him back. I noticed when I started "pulling away" he snooped back. He crumbles during conflict and I mean CRUMBLES.

Behaviours I've noticed:

- Reluctancy to adress/acknowledge any problems, even if something is bothering him. I tell him to Speak. I love speaking and encourage him to do so, but nothing

- Feels that just because we are in a relationship and he is "physically" with me, then that is him "trying"

- Has had a few sexual partners but only 1 relationship from the age of 16 - 19

- Does not speak about his past, past relationships or...anything. no memories with friends, cool trips he went on....nothing.

- Apart from his one other gifriend as a teen, says he has never taken a girl on a date, never taken a girl to the movies, or for a meal or anything. Just texts them, invites them over then sleeps with them, no real substance.

-Does not seem to ask indepth questions. Very surface level. I always have to start conversation and finish it with questions

-States he wants a future, children etc but does nothing to aim towards it.

-He can easily emotionally detach during emotional conflict. For example when we argue and I tell him to "go" as I am left with nothing else to say or do, he packs his items, goes home, does not reach out or say ANYTHING. When I ask if he is sad or does he miss me he becomes cold, distant and very arm's length. "Yes I miss you. But what can I do." Or I ask for a talk "Yes I want to talk but I don't want you getting the wrong idea" what???

- Does not like accepting my help. When he is down(I think mild depression is going on here)and I offer him some sort of solution. Date night, cinema, events, raves etc he PANICKS. I think deep down he wants to but because he thinks too deep into things he can't actually bring himself to doing anything?

-Very sensitive to criticism and anything he dems as a "threat" towards himself

-Never really shows any emotions such as: jealously, clinginess, annoyance or anything. Not that I want a posessive or clingy partner but he never really shows any other emotions other than Happy and sad. I never know what is bubbling beneath his surface

-when we are together he is fine he does communicate via phone. I work nights so he will text me until he falls asleep. I remember though he never, ever used to call me, ever. I explained to him that sometimes a call is nice, he worked on it and improved slightly.

-States he isn't a good boyfriend, I deserve better and he is dragging me down. Even though I've personally never said such a thing??

We are now in a situation where we had an argument 2 weeks ago. I told him to leave as we were not getting on clearly and he looked miserable. I Feel fine in the relationship, I communicate what is on my mind, let it be heard. He on the otherhand does not. He packed his things and left. I went on a city weekend break with my girlfriends during this split (he knew as I booked it whilst with him.) whilst on my trip I decided to message him and ask for a...talk? As I haven't heard anything. He pulled away he said, "don't you want to start a new life?" I was confused, what was he even going on about. Now we were in a game of push and pull. He agreed to see me when I was home. When I got home, instead of coming to see me like WE planned. It got to 10pm and i hadn't heard from him, I text and asked what he was doing? He said he will not be able to come and can we re arrange.

I expressed I was upset not because He never come, he didn't have the decency to just let me know. NO communication. He said he felt jealous I went away and him and I never? I explained he NEVER wants to stick to plans and trying to plan something with him is near impossible as he always just...freezes.

I then suggested I book us a trip away so we can talk and sort ourselves out? He absolutely PANICKED. I mean panicked. He said no. I haven't given him any "time" and I could have waited atleast a couple of weeks. Huh???

Sorry to ramble, just really trying to make sense of it all as I feel so in the dark. Would you say he is Dismissive Avoidant?

Edited October 4, 2022 by xxbr96

[S2B]

It’s VERY difficult to have a healthy relationship with anyone who avoids issues and is unwilling to discuss a solution to a problem.

there are times when someone does long term intensive therapy to learn how to participate in a healthy way. But short of that you would always be left feeling frustrated by his inaction.

Edited October 4, 2022 by S2B

[xxbr96]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s VERY difficult to have a healthy relationship with anyone who avoids issues and is unwilling to discuss a solution to a problem.

there are times when someone does long term intensive therapy to learn how to participate in a healthy way. But short of that you would always be left feeling frustrated by his inaction.

You are very right. I've never met anybody so void of anything. I upset him that I went on holiday, when I suggest we go away he panicks? 

I guess I'm best leaving him and focusing on me. He's making me lose my head.

Edited October 4, 2022 by xxbr96

[Alpacalia]

I don't believe he is void of feelings.

It is simply the way he expresses himself that differs from the way you do.

The desire to remain independent is what he values.

Great if you can accept that. If not, then you know that it doesn't work for you.

In dismissive avoidant language, he is implying that if he doesn't feel it the same way that you do, then you shouldn't either. There's a tendency to push to end the relationship quickly. They'd rather cut you loose, but they'll leave your status unchanged so they don't have to discuss the relationship. It isn't something they want to discuss with family and friends. Dismissive people find breaking up embarrassing, for them.

Fearful avoidant are pretty much coin flips. To put it simply, it's how they feel at that moment. They'll take pictures of you down right away. It may happen that they tell you that they love you and that you're the one for them, but then say they never want to speak to you again. Then they will block you across the board and you will be left scratching your head wondering what in the world has just happened.

Right now you are two magnetisms that repel each other. Especially if you're anxious. They will repel and they will continue to repel.

I realize that you're trying to deduce answers for his behavior based on his attachment style (since it's reflected in the title of your thread).

That approach, however, can and often does lead to accepting poor behavior.

Consider it from a different perspective than attachment style.

Seeing it from the perspective of two people who aren't compatible, and from the perspective of a boyfriend who isn't the best partner for you, may help you move forward.

Edited October 4, 2022 by Alpacalia

[xxbr96]

23 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't believe he is void of feelings.

It is simply the way he expresses himself that differs from the way you do.

The desire to remain independent is what he values.

Great if you can accept that. If not, then you know that it doesn't work for you.

In dismissive avoidant language, he is implying that if he doesn't feel it the same way that you do, then you shouldn't either. There's a tendency to push to end the relationship quickly. They'd rather cut you loose, but they'll leave your status unchanged so they don't have to discuss the relationship. It isn't something they want to discuss with family and friends. Dismissive people find breaking up embarrassing, for them.

Fearful avoidant are pretty much coin flips. To put it simply, it's how they feel at that moment. They'll take pictures of you down right away. It may happen that they tell you that they love you and that you're the one for them, but then say they never want to speak to you again. Then they will block you across the board and you will be left scratching your head wondering what in the world has just happened.

Right now you are two magnetisms that repel each other. Especially if you're anxious. They will repel and they will continue to repel.

I realize that you're trying to deduce answers for his behavior based on his attachment style (since it's reflected in the title of your thread).

That approach, however, can and often does lead to accepting poor behavior.

Consider it from a different perspective than attachment style.

Seeing it from the perspective of two people who aren't compatible, and from the perspective of a boyfriend who isn't being the best partner he can be, may help you move forward.

Thank you for your wise words.

It is very frustrating, I am left with many Questions. If he doesn't want to be with me fine, but his inability to communicate is frightening. I'd respect him more if he told me to [ ] at least I'd know where I stand. 

Edited October 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

That is a long laundry list of complaints there.  Some are quite valid, but others are petty or irrelevant.  It makes me wonder if you're a hard task master or are getting upset over petty things.   I'm not saying this to pile on you, but I think it would help if you also consider your own contribution to this.  Rarely does a relationship fail due to the actions of just one person.

You've talked a lot about him being defensive when you raise issues, but it's important to be aware that we can contribute to putting someone on the defensive by the choice of words we use.   Most importantly, we should avoid leading with an accusation.  For example, starting a sentence with "when you..." is nearly guaranteed to put the other on the defensive and lead to a fight rather than a collaborative solution.   Another important thing is to make sure you pick your battles - some things really aren't worth addressing.  

Regarding the fight before your birthday, what happened?  What was your side and what was his?  Did any insults get traded during the fight?  

[Alpacalia]

Of course!

The long list of complaints is a testament to your frustration. Your boyfriend is probably feeling the effects of those frustrations, I am sure.

I am not suggesting that some of your grievances are unfounded.

He may not be dismissive so much as it may be a lack of interest on his part. 

There seems to be a natural tendency to shut down when someone comes at you with a list of complaints. This is likely not because the person is a "dismissive avoidant", but rather because he is equally frustrated with the method by which they are being addressed.

Edited October 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote with language removed

[xxbr96]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Of course!

The long list of complaints is a testament to your frustration. Your boyfriend is probably feeling the effects of those frustrations, I am sure.

I am not suggesting that some of your grievances are unfounded.

He may not be dismissive so much as it may be a lack of interest on his part. 

There seems to be a natural tendency to shut down when someone comes at you with a list of complaints. This is likely not because the person is a "dismissive avoidant", but rather because he is equally frustrated with the method by which they are being addressed.

The day we split, he explained he didn't want to break up. My birthday was 2 days before, he stated he was looking forward to having "fun" with me. Why be jealous I'm going on holiday then when I suggest we could maybe go, he shuts down?? Thank you.

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, xxbr96 said:

The day we split, he explained he didn't want to break up. My birthday was 2 days before, he stated he was looking forward to having "fun" with me. Why be jealous I'm going on holiday then when I suggest we could maybe go, he shuts down?? Thank you.

Was the fight prior to your birthday about the suggested holiday?  Or are they two different incidents?   

A person doesn't usually shut down at the suggestion of a nice holiday together, so I'm trying to dig around and get to the cause.  Does he have the money and available vacation time to go?  Did he get input into the destination?  Was the idea presented in a manner which didn't invoke his previous jealousy when you want away?   And importantly, what did you say when he shut down?

Again, I'm not trying to slam you - just get a better picture of what's going on.  

Edited October 5, 2022 by basil67

[xxbr96]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Was the fight prior to your birthday about the suggested holiday?  Or are they two different incidents?   

A person doesn't usually shut down at the suggestion of a nice holiday together, so I'm trying to dig around and get to the cause.  Does he have the money and available vacation time to go?  Did he get input into the destination?  Was the idea presented in a manner which didn't invoke his previous jealousy when you want away?   And importantly, what did you say when he shut down?

Again, I'm not trying to slam you - just get a better picture of what's going on.  

The fight was after my birthday, I told him to go home as he was leaving me with no other options. He looked miserable. 

One of his biggest problems he says are his finances and how he feels he never has money despite always working. Therefore he can't do anything. I explained I understand where he was coming from but this trip would be on me. (He picked the destination ages ago)I am passionate about trying to make it work, I even suggested he stay at home to clear his head in the meantime, give us some space? His response: "I've just left, why book something? Don't smoother me, you never even gave it a week or two. What if I still feel negative?" So why exactly does he feel jealous?

So I just read and ignored his messaged. There's nothing to say to that really. I felt very disposed of 😕

Edited October 5, 2022 by xxbr96

[basil67]

While it was a very generous offer and caring offer, have you considered that you offering to pay may have effectively rubbed his nose into the fact that he isn't feeling good about his finances?  

Some of what you've written is hard to understand without context

"I've just left, why book something?   Does this mean that you asked him to leave because he was miserable but you still wanted to book the holiday?

Don't smoother me, you never even gave it a week or two.  Why did he feel smothered?  What does the 'week or two' refer to?

What if I still feel negative?"  Negative about his finances? Or something else? 

So why exactly does he feel jealous?   What is he jealous about now?  Your solo holiday was in the past, so I assume you're not referring to that.

[xxbr96]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

While it was a very generous offer and caring offer, have you considered that you offering to pay may have effectively rubbed his nose into the fact that he isn't feeling good about his finances?  

Some of what you've written is hard to understand without context

"I've just left, why book something?   Does this mean that you asked him to leave because he was miserable but you still wanted to book the holiday?

Don't smoother me, you never even gave it a week or two.  Why did he feel smothered?  What does the 'week or two' refer to?

What if I still feel negative?"  Negative about his finances? Or something else? 

So why exactly does he feel jealous?   What is he jealous about now?  Your solo holiday was in the past, so I assume you're not referring to that.

I wanted to book before he left, then when I mentioned it again after the split that's when he gave me that response.

In response to the "week or two" again I have no idea what this means as he doesn't communicate. Probably feels smothered because I'm offering to take us away? Again I don't know either because he doesn't elaborate. Said he feels emasculated because I'm paying for things. I understand.

I also don't know why he feels jealous because again, he does not speak. I'm assuming because he wanted him and I to go away but we never? Again, I don't know. I have as many questions than you.

In regards to taskmaster, I am rather chilled and laid back, we both do our own thing independently. I never force him to speak or make him feels like he has to, I accepted this is just him years ago....

 

He speaks in Morse Code and I am left deciphering everything he says.  

Edited October 5, 2022 by xxbr96

[basil67]

Why would you want to book the holiday after he's left?   And more so, why would you want to book and pay knowing that your actions are making him feel emasculated?   I would suggest that a good rule for vacations is to choose something which you both can afford.  If that means camping in a borrowed tent, it can still be fun.

Perhaps he feels smothered because he was trying trying to get space (or thought that the relationship has broken up) and you were reaching out trying to book a holiday?

If he doesn't talk about his jealousy, how do you know that he's jealous?

Kindly, the list of his "faults" and is anything but chilled and laid back.   The reason he tells you that he isn't a good boyfriend is likely related to long list of issues you made.

Edited October 5, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not waste your time trying to sign an attachment label to him. 

Where does that really get you, in the end? Simply recognize that it's not working, and hasn't worked for a long time. And be really and truly done with this. You two are quite obviously not a match. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, xxbr96 said:

 I told him to leave as we were not getting on. He packed his things and left.

Sorry this happened but your relationship sounds quite conflicted due to incompatibilities. Rather than apply attachment labels, why not be less confrontational? 

It seems like he is too polite for this type of in your face interaction. Add to this throwing him out then wanting to travel together "to talk"? You seem to be striving for on/off style drama.

Let the dust settle, leave him alone for now and remember that dressing everyone down and letting it all hang out lacks sensitivity, and that's not for everyone.

Many people like peace in their relationships so it's a matter of finding who's right for you.

Edited October 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, xxbr96 said:

The day we split, he explained he didn't want to break up. My birthday was 2 days before, he stated he was looking forward to having "fun" with me. Why be jealous I'm going on holiday then when I suggest we could maybe go, he shuts down?? Thank you.

The relationship between you is tense, and you're both unhappy with how your partner treats you.

I would imagine that your boyfriend dislikes being made to feel as if he cannot please his girlfriend. I'm not sure of any man that wants to feel he is the source of his girlfriend's unhappiness.

I can't see any indication that you're happy with your boyfriend.

Imagining myself, I would have a very hard time staying open to a partner who is overcritical. There is a high probability that I will not want to spend time with him and would be rethinking the entire relationship.

The incident where he displayed jealously toward you for traveling without him, when he's declined doing similar things in the past together with you, well, that is on him. 

If all your boyfriend hears are endless cycles of reprimands like "you're not good at this" and "you shouldn't have done that," maybe he's heard all there is to hear. Your boyfriend deserves to date someone who makes him feel strong and happy. So do you!

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

It sounds like he's going through some personal things that he needs time on his own to work through.  Having no money is hard for anyone, but the challenges are different for each gender.  These things can also draw out a lot of insecurities for a number of reasons which can make him retreat.  Being in relationships when you feel like this can really exacerbate it.  Hard to say if his passiveness/avoidance is the result of those personal things, or immaturity, or just his natural personality..or a combination of it all etc.  All in all, who he currently is, sounds incompatible with you.

I would cut this relationship loose.

- Beach

Edited October 5, 2022 by Beachead

[Mrin]

So yeah he does sound dismissive/avoidant. It also sounds like he isn't really compatible for you as he doesn't like to discuss or work on the relationship. That can be a really hard person to be in a relationship with. With all of his personal traits of his I really don't think he's workable for you and don't think you guys are well suited for each other.

All that being said... I do see something in your behavior that I find very distressing. Multiple times in this thread you have said something like "I told him to leave". Now I'm not sure if you are repeating the same event or if this is actually how you behave when in conflict. You need to be really honest with yourself - do you tell him to leave as a "go-to" in times of conflict? If so, I should caution you that that is very destructive behavior. It comes across as rejection and, in some ways, is your own form of dismissive avoidance. 

I know for me, if that happened more than once I would probably check out of the relationship if not end it. That sort of behavior is highly toxic. Use this as a time of introspection to see if there are certain behaviors of your own that need to be cleaned up.

Best of luck!

Mrin 

[Atlantico]

May be this relationship began in the wrong tone with xxbr96 trip to Asia while the relationship was in the beginning. Being a long trip this may have hampered  the view that your boyfriend  had on this relationship, and  he downsized his investment to the "see how it goes" level-despite his visit to you.. I believe, from what you say that he was really into you but prepared himself for the worst. Your writing semantics confuse me a bit as I can not decide if you really love this guy, or just methodically  want him back to fill up some emotional void. . From what you say your guy seems to have reached  his ground base and made his mind. If you are emotionally out of a relationship, arguing feels a waste of time for the person that wants out. And this is terrible for the person that wants in

 

Edited October 15, 2022 by Atlantico