I'm lost

[zippyfibble]

I am not sure what I am doing on here but I am hoping it might give me some clarity and maybe help lift the fog. 

4yrs ago I reconnected with an old friend from school on Facebook, we met up over lunch as she was starting a new job in the town I now lived. To cut a very long story short we became good friends, chatting every night via phone or text, we met for lunch and evening meals, went for walks, we socialised and even went away for the weekend together. Nothing every happened between us psychically but I considered her a very good and close friend and loved being in her presence. She is funny, intelligent and beautiful so I will admit I had fallen in love with her and have indicated my feelings to her. These feelings were never reciprocated and said she wasn’t looking for a relationship right now so we continued to be friends and still met up as before.

3 months ago she started to become less responsive more distant, I knew that something had changed but couldn't put my finger on it. We met up at the of June for an all day drinking session and she was less chatty and seemed more distant but she was having problems with her daughter so put it down to that.

Then 1 month ago I was about to message her just for a check in and noticed her Facebook picture had changed so I thought id take a look. Yes you've guessed it, it was a selfie of her with a man I didn't know. As she is an incredibly private person she wouldn't have done this lightly. I messaged her and congratulated her on finding someone and said it was probably for the best that I stopped texting as much and was in less contact but wished her all the best for the future, saying I was happy for her but wanted still to be friends but understood that our friendship had changed.

This is where things for me have now gone weird. She messaged me back straight away quite angry with me saying that she knew I would react this way that's why she hadn't told me and had wanted to tell me in person. We ended up meeting two days later to talk and she kept repeating she hadn't wanted to hurt me and that's why she wanted to tell me in person she hadn't meant to post the picture but she was drunk. During our talk she said she didn't see why we wouldn't still meet up for lunch or a meal to which I replied I didn't think that was a good idea especially at present and for me it was out of respect to her new man. We should give it time and see how things go but if she ever needed me I was there for her. She again got quite angry with me and saying why did everything have to be black and white with me.

We have met up twice more since for a walk and for lunch to talk again about what has happened. I know her new fella rang her whilst we were having lunch and she told him she was at coffee shop when we weren't. She then lied to me about who it was.

She even messaged me the other day to say she had got somewhere she was travelling to ok and that it had been a long day. I am so confused with what is going on at the moment. 

I have met her again for lunch today …. I kept asking myself all the time I was driving to the place what was I doing and why …… we had another long chat but the humour and the banter we had was missing. It was more serious and more formal I would say. After the lunch though we had a long hug in the car park and she wants to meet up again in a few weeks. I keep wanting to say no and cancel  but I also want to see her so badly.

What does she want from me , why is treating me like this and why can't I let her go. Or is it me am I doing something wrong?

 

[FMW]

It sounds like she wants you around, but on her own terms.  She told you she didn't want a relationship, but seems to be in one with someone else now.  She likes having the option of your attention, but isn't willing to give you much of herself in return.

You have to make decisions based on what is best for you, and nothing you have written indicates maintaining contact with her is in your best interest.  The only thing you are doing wrong is allowing her to keep you on the line. 

Look very hard at how she's treating you and stop holding on for the occasional crumbs she tosses your way.  You're worth much more than that.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman isn't a great friend, OP. 

You made the right call in saying you should take space from the friendship, and now she wants to keep you on stand-by for attention when it suits her. No. That isn't right, and it's not what a friend does. It's her being selfish and immature. 

Stop meeting up with her and being a stand-in boyfriend. You can see it's getting you nothing but heartache. She doesn't want to be with you in that way and it's time to let go of her. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, zippyfibble said:

  that's why she hadn't told me and had wanted to tell me in person. 

Sorry this happened but if she has a BF, it's best to steer clear of her 

[giotto]

She has a boyfriend for sex and you as emotional support.

[SingFish]

I wish we had a hug response @zippyfibble You are really lovely and she does not want to let you go- or commit to the relationship you would like. 

 

[glows]

14 hours ago, zippyfibble said:

We have met up twice more since for a walk and for lunch to talk again about what has happened. I know her new fella rang her whilst we were having lunch and she told him she was at coffee shop when we weren't. She then lied to me about who it was.

I think you already know the answer to this one. It’s not going to work. 

Letting someone go after you’ve been spending time like this isn’t easy but you’ll need to do what’s right for you.

As it stands she’s not a good friend and she’s not a good girlfriend either if she’s disregarding the feelings/wishes of others and lying to the people in her life. Does she often approach life in general blurring the lines and doing what she pleases without thinking of others? Is that what she means by you being “black and white” and implying that she isn’t? This is just a sign of an immature and selfish person. It’s not intelligent to always seek to get one’s own way regardless of others. You may be drawn to her looks but wake yourself up out of this lull and do what’s best for you. Also rethink the company you keep. 

[zippyfibble]

Thanks all for your advice yes it’s good to hear I’m not going mad and you are basically confirming what I’ve been thinking.

I tried to edit the post yesterday as I wanted to mention she also accused me of punishing her by not texting her. So when I met up we talked about it and she said I should definitely keep texting and not to ignore her. I explained again she had a boyfriend now and she said he was an ok guy and if he had a problem with me texting and he was getting frustrated by it that was his problem. I thought it was a very odd comment to make. 
 

it’s such a strange no man’s land to be in and I can’t do right for doing wrong! 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, zippyfibble said:

it’s such a strange no man’s land to be in 

Yes it's called the friendzone. Phase her out and invest your time, energy, emotions and money in someone who cares for you in a romantic way you want. She seems overtly thirsty for male attention.

[flitzanu]

19 hours ago, zippyfibble said:

I am not sure what I am doing on here but I am hoping it might give me some clarity and maybe help lift the fog. 

4yrs ago I reconnected with an old friend from school on Facebook, we met up over lunch as she was starting a new job in the town I now lived. To cut a very long story short we became good friends, chatting every night via phone or text, we met for lunch and evening meals, went for walks, we socialised and even went away for the weekend together. Nothing every happened between us psychically but I considered her a very good and close friend and loved being in her presence. She is funny, intelligent and beautiful so I will admit I had fallen in love with her and have indicated my feelings to her. These feelings were never reciprocated and said she wasn’t looking for a relationship right now so we continued to be friends and still met up as before.

 

 

this was where the tale ends.  you professed your feelings, she rejected.  

"These feelings were never reciprocated and said she wasn’t looking for a relationship right now"  --  with you.

she established the boundary, and you agreed to "just be friends" and now she's annoyed that you're still wanting to act jealous.

 

and fairly, the others are right that she also should add some distance if she's now got a boyfriend, but nothing you've said would indicate she is doing anything inappropriate, and she certainly isn't trying to make moves on you or cheat on him.

[zippyfibble]

Thank you again everyone your thoughts are very much appreciated

so tonight I’m away on a business night out and she had texted about going to the cinema …. It’s the strangest thing that has ever happened to me 

[salparadise]

She just likes you as an orbiter. She likes that you're smitten, likes the attention of more than one man, but she's not going to reciprocate with anything that would make it worthwhile for you. All you get is the privilege of being strung along. This is her nature –– even if the roles were reversed and you were dating her she'd still be cultivating orbiters. You just need to cut your losses and cease all contact. I know it's hard, but you have pride, self-respects and your own well-being to prioritize. She's really just using you for entertainment and perhaps the security of having one in the wings. You aren't the first guy this has happened to, and you have to learn that once you've made your bid and get shot down, the only thing that makes any sense is to walk away. Find someone to date who actually is into you and this will seem like a crazy episode in the rear view mirror. Best to you, man.

[SingFish]

5 hours ago, zippyfibble said:

Thank you again everyone your thoughts are very much appreciated

so tonight I’m away on a business night out and she had texted about going to the cinema …. It’s the strangest thing that has ever happened to me 

She's just not ready for a real relationship I guess, but can't resist hinting at one! 

You sound fabulous and you will find someone who wants the whole deal 🤗

[glows]

12 hours ago, zippyfibble said:

.I explained again she had a boyfriend now

I suggest you stop explaining yourself as it appears to fall on deaf ears. She only thinks of herself. There’s nothing strange or mystical about what she’s doing. She just never grew up.

[ExpatInItaly]

She just likes having a fan-club, OP. 

It's immature and selfish. Full stop. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, zippyfibble said:

 she had texted about going to the cinema …. It’s the strangest thing that has ever happened to me 

Unfortunately that's because you haven't deleted and blocked her yet. 

She was dishonest with you and led you on,so she's not a friend.

Don't be the ersatz BF. Or worse, male-girlfriend who pays for stuff and chauffers her around.

[zippyfibble]

Thank you everyone for your replies they are very much appreciated. I know the direction I need to head and know I will get there. It might be a little bit bumpy to start with but I’ll get there. 

[S2B]

As long as she is taking up that mental and emotional space in your head - you won’t focus on finding a great match.

she knows this. She is also selfish - I don’t see qualities that are in your best interest.

[zippyfibble]

So It’s Friday night I’ve had a few beers and I’m desperate to send her a text and reach out. Does anybody have any techniques to be strong and refrain? I don’t just want to block or remove her from my life completely. So blocking or deleting is not an option. 

[mark clemson]

This is what can happen when you let yourself get sucked into an "orbiter" role. IMO you were always a "backup plan" (if that) to her, and you wasted years on the remote chance she would "pick you" only for that low probability event to not materialize.

Being a (genuine) friend is one thing, but hanging around for months or years with unreciprocated feelings - well, it normally just leads to exactly this. If a woman is genuinely interested in you and ready for a relationship, she'll start the relationship (ie, by dating you). That's what she did with the new guy. If she shows low interest in you, listen to that and move on romantically. That can be easier said than done sometimes, but look where this got you.

On 10/5/2022 at 9:29 AM, zippyfibble said:

I tried to edit the post yesterday as I wanted to mention she also accused me of punishing her by not texting her.

 

Don't fall for this (minor) manipulative guilt trip. She may not intend to be cruel, but you need to take into account your own distress, too. If she knows you have strong feelings for her, just remind her of that and explain that sorry, but you're having trouble dealing with "having a close friendship" while she dates another, so you need to tone your friendship down. She'll almost certainly know exactly what you're talking about. That may lead to the end of the friendship, but it should be an improvement in the longer run as you can free yourself and move on.

IF it doesn't work out for her with the new BF and she wants to "rekindle" your friendship at some point, suggest you accept that, but ask for a romantic relationship (if you still want that) so you don't fall back into this same orbiting nonsense. You may not get that, but again that's actually better. Also, BE SURE to start moving on and establishing new romantic relationships in the meantime.

You're in charge of your own life. Act like it. You can be "friends" with someone who you contact minimally while you move on with your life, start relationships, etc. Overall, I'd suggest you consider taking that approach here.

Edited October 8, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, zippyfibble said:

So It’s Friday night I’ve had a few beers and I’m desperate to send her a text and reach out.

I think you know drunk texts are a horrible idea. Talk to some friends.

[glows]

On 10/7/2022 at 1:01 PM, zippyfibble said:

So It’s Friday night I’ve had a few beers and I’m desperate to send her a text and reach out. Does anybody have any techniques to be strong and refrain? I don’t just want to block or remove her from my life completely. So blocking or deleting is not an option. 

Do something else. Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Go for a walk, exercise, leave your phone in another room. Did you end up contacting her or left it?

[zippyfibble]

On 10/9/2022 at 3:20 PM, glows said:

 Did you end up contacting her or left it?

Left it ….in the end I turned my phone off and didn’t turn it back on until the next day.

 

[zippyfibble]

So I’ve been strong since and not texted or emailed her even after having drinks. Then out of the blue last Thursday she texted me, I didn’t reply until the Friday but kept it short replying in 5 words or so. She texted me back later that day saying longest reply ever. I replied saying what did you want me to say I answered your question and I got reply saying you usually text more. I was starting to feel better about the situation but the text exchange has brought the feelings back. I think the only way is going to be to delete or block her but as I said I’ve known her nearly all my life so over 40yrs now. 
 

[zippyfibble]

She wants to meet me on the 15th November now for lunch and a catch-up , I havet replied yet but have written a response saying I don’t think so it’s not a good idea but I’m going to send it closer to the time.