I [25M] messed up with a good girl [22F]

[MSMT]

OK, so I [25] met this girl [22] three months ago and the spark was there instantly. I invited her for a date afterwards and it was a great summer, we clicked and could talk about anything. I could see that she’s head over heels into me. First, I was very attentive but after some time I started to have these moments on our dates when I just fell silent (I was still processing my family loss, I guess, I am better now) and she noticed this. At the end of August, she started studying (she’s a nurse and worked at hospital where my grandpa died in August, she knew him) so school and work both got into way. She had less time and we didn’t see each other for almost two weeks. This is where I [messed] up royally. I got drunk one night (couldn’t bear memories of grandpa) and kinda blamed her for not wanting to see me over text (she was on the night shift…) and that she has time for her friends (some of them male which I ofc didn’t forget to mention..) and not me. I must mention that after grandpa’s death I was under and I saw everything negatively and was paranoid, but that’s no excuse for this s*** I pulled ofc.

She said that I should have say something earlier about me wanting to see her and that she’s seriously disappointed, didn’t expect this s*** from me. She also mentioned that she noticed me being distrait and “not there” sometimes on our dates and that she doesn’t even know if I want her. Next morning I explained and apologized profusely. Man, I know it was short term relationship but I can’t stop blaming myself, because I am not like this, I get that she had important things to do, I would never do that again, especially now when I kinda processed my family loss and doing better. We sporadically made contact since then, sometimes it was her, sometimes me, she said she needed time to process this and that she was disappointed by what happened. Our last conversation a week ago was me asking her if she wants to talk in person. She replied yes, I asked when, she texted wait a minute and didn’t get back to me at all. I texted next day if she’s ok and she just texted “Yes 😂”.

Sorry, this post is a mess, I just poured all my thoughts here. I know I [messed] up badly and created this image of me being needy and childish but I was just down mentally. Is there a chance to fix this? Why did she agree to meet, then kinda ghosted me when I specifically said in that text that I will respect if she doesn’t want to see me again.

I know, I know, there are millions of women in the world. But I want to know if there’s a chance here, maybe if I kinda disappear? And sorry, English is not my first language.

tl;dr: I acted needy and childish with a girl because I had issues and now I miss her so much. Is there a chance to fix this? I feel guilty every day.

Edited October 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[poppyfields]

Hey @MSMTsorry it took so long for a response.   

Anyway, wow, I can really sense your remorse here and how sorry you are.  And I am sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved grandpa too (hugs).

I think you still might have a chance with this girl, but I would lay low for awhile, give her some time, a couple more weeks, then reach out again asking to see her in person to talk.  Hopefully she will contact you before then, but if she doesn't, then reach back out to her.

I also think it's okay to tell her you miss her.

Hopefully she will be more receptive by then and when you finally meet, tell her everything you told us here.  About how the loss of your grandpa affected you and that you know giving her **** about god only knows what was wrong.

It sounds like you had a good thing going for awhile, but sadly life got in the way which can happen sometimes.

You seem like a good sincere guy to me so hope it all works out.

We live and we learn.

Good luck and please keep us posted.  Fingers crossed it works out well for you. 

 

 

[Mike B.]

You went pretty deep in a relatively short time. I understand how you might feel. I also get the feeling that you also understand what a challenging position that was created with how you handled her not seeing you for two weeks. You also sent that text to her while she was at work? If so she will likely be very concerned about possibly receiving similar texts like that in the future from you while trying to care for the ill.

I think the best way to handle this is just to come clean. I wouldn't mention feeling needy or clingy at all. Just don't say those words. That is just not the buzz words you want going through her mind when she is considering things.

I would mention the part where you were missing your granddad and drowning your sorrows and just got a little emotional over him and was kind of mad at the world and she just caught some of the fire. Maybe you sent texts out to everyone you knew and gave them a hard time as we well so it was nothing personal towards her... Maybe she wasn't the sole target of your emotional outburst, hopefully, and would not take it as personal.

Whatever you choose, I think you just have to come to terms with that it is now a tricky situation to resolve but I think just coming clean in some manner and owning up to your mistake would help more than anything. Be careful after this one though because you likely won't have room for another drunken outburst in the future if she decides to give you another chance.

Edited October 6, 2022 by Mike B.

[glows]

My read on this is it’s over. You apologized but the way she sees you has changed. Yes, you do appear out of control and spiralling. Take a deep breath and step back. Think.

Texting you such a lousy text like that doesn’t really reflect well on her either. She could simply let you know things have changed and go your separate ways. 

[Calmandfocused]

I agree with Glows. I think it’s over. 
 

However, i would strongly advise that you stop putting all the blame at your door. 
 

Did you completely overreact? Yes you did! However something here that you’re missing: 

She was pulling away from you! That much is crystal clear. 
 

If one partner is really into another they will make time for them. End of! Especially when their partner is going through emotional turmoil. 
 

She was slipping away before this incident happened Op. The incident was simply the trigger. 
 

Don’t hang onto the breadcrumbs. Let her go. When you feel in a better place emotionally start dating again but sort yourself out first. 
 

She wasn’t for you 

[Mike B.]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I agree with Glows. I think it’s over. 
 

Did you completely overreact? Yes you did! However something here that you’re missing: 

She was pulling away from you! That much is crystal clear. 
 

She was slipping away before this incident happened Op. The incident was simply the trigger. 
 

 

 

I agree. I didn’t mention it previously but I felt that the OP probably left the part out where she simply was slipping away.

My personal interpretation of this was, they had a great time but she started to lose interest for whatever reason. This manifested by her making excuses for her not wanting to see him for a whole two weeks. He got frustrated that she no longer was showing interest or making him a priority so he went off on her through text. He then panicked, made a post about it but did not want to diminish any potential helpful feedback or be seen as insecure so he put a spin on the story. However, the caveat is that you will receive input that is not tailored to your specific situation so it is not as helpful so you don’t follow up on the feedback. 
 

All of this is fine. I think any dating scenario rather 100% true or partly true is potentially helpful to someone out there so let’s just say for argument sake that it all went down just how he said it did. In that case, it would still be a huge challenge to turn something like this around.
 

She was already primed to look for the escape hatch and all of the nasty texting probably just sealed the deal for her on walking away. 

The important take away from this is that no one is ever too busy to show like or love toward you. There is no job busy enough that would prevent someone from squeezing in some time in a two week span for the person they are truly into.