Emotional literacy

[Will am I]

Something I learned at couples counseling is a model for what our counselor called emotional literacy. I find this such a beautiful and insignful instrument that I want to share it here.

The model is represented by a ladder with different levels of consciousness in our emotional interactions. Here's the ladder (read bottom to top):

 

10. Conscious, open and vulnerable (the continued state of being able to navigate all interactions at their respective levels)

9. Interactivity (interacting with the other person across various levels)

8. Empathy (ability to not only understand, but actually feel how another person would experiences an event)

7. Cause and effect (ability to recognize how the other person is affecting us, and how we are affecting them)

6. Distinction (ability to distunguish between different events, process them separately, and moderate our reactions reasonably well)

5. Putting issues on the table (some level of moderation in our responses, but when you only put an issue on the table it does not mean you are resolving it) 

4. Primary reactions (able to process the incoming event, but not to moderate our reactions adequately)

3. Physically affected (when stressful events make you throw up, or cause heart rhythm irregularities etc)

2. Numbed (somewhat conscious, but unable to deal and actively doing something to reduce the consciousness)

1. Not conscious (you experience events but really have no clue how they affect your emotional state)

 

The idea is that in an intimate relationship both parties should be able to navigate this ladder. By "navigate" I mean that you will repeatedly experience events that touch you on different levels; being a good navigator required that you're able to go down to that level but also to climb up from there.

 

The thing is: some of these steps may be harder to climb. That's personal, it's about character, past experiences, traumas and personal growth. 

We all have steps that we find easier, and other steps that we find harder. It's when we get stuck on one level, lingering because climbing to the next ste is too hard, that the problems arise.

 

A very big one on our society is the level "numbed". The kids are acting up because they need guidance and attention, our wife is giving these silent signals that she's stressed out, and all we do is to dive into out smartphone and hide ourselves in social media, away from the stress around us. Now it is not necessarily a problem to hide just a little bit and carefully dose the stress we can handle. But when we linger too long because we can't keep up is where we go dysfunctional. Same goes for other means of numbing ourselves, including alcohol and pornography.