Torn by return of old flame

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, glows said:

I’m not sure how a person can live with themselves day in and day out pretending it’s ok and meeting someone else,

Well Yes I cannot continue with that for much longer,

I suppose I see it as a big decision- as if am at a crossroads,

I dont think I could do it to her- my GF- tell her that am leaving for someone else,

I would not consider leaving her for anyone else other than this Girl B-  it is a unique connection,

It happens I presume a lot- people choose to marry or have a long term relationship with someone- while at the same time having some regrets over a previous love.

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So do you think it's a damsel in distress type of thing? Personally I would find it insulting if someone claimed they loved me suddenly because they need a residency and financial support.

You live with your GF  part time? (who's been demoted to "girl A", lol) How does that work?

I would ponder why "girl A" is suddenly an option. It's sad you're lying to her yet enjoying the security of her presence and steadfastness .

well I agree- the term Girl A is perhaps a bit crude- just an oversight on my behalf- yes as you are hinting we are together a fair while now- I should not refer to her that way,

I dont know why Girl B has not met anyone- it is a mystery- other than a few things happened to her that have probably knocked her confidence,

I have no doubt she turned me down eight years ago because she felt she could find someone better, which I can live with- (and now as we are getting older-well Im probably a decent option) I consider myself a very average guy after all!

My GF- well we tend to spend three or four days together at a time- about half the month,

I cant fault my GF in any way really and I think I am going to try to make it worth with her once and for all.

as I say we are getting older though- so Im unlikely to ever get another chance with Girl B- so there is a little regret there- but I think Im ok to let her go now,

I sense the general feeling on the thread is I am being very unfair to my GF- but as I say I think I will put this temptation behind me now and do my best to be a good partner for her.

 

 

 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Well Yes I cannot continue with that for much longer,

I suppose I see it as a big decision- as if am at a crossroads,

I dont think I could do it to her- my GF- tell her that am leaving for someone else,

I would not consider leaving her for anyone else other than this Girl B-  it is a unique connection,

It happens I presume a lot- people choose to marry or have a long term relationship with someone- while at the same time having some regrets over a previous love.

Yes, I understand but this wasn’t the main point of my previous response.

The point I was making prior is that you and your partner now are not compatible. This other person from your past is hardly a flea off an elephant’s back, so to speak. The real issue is that you seem uncomfortable with your partner’s priorities as a single mother and as someone careerminded. 

Someone like this other person from however many years back appears enticing because of problems in your current relationship that you’re not addressing. 

[S2B]

Have you ever addressed your issues with a counselor? Your need to rescue girl B isn’t healthy - for you or for her.

also address your need to make sure you have a girl -

being alone (on your own) should be a healthy thought and learning to be happy without any gal around should be something you understand fully.

the need to “help” and rescue girl B is just not right. Why can’t she help HERSELF? She is just as capable as you are for helping herself!

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, Foxhall said:

We only live together part-time now, so the real test will be when we live full time together I suspect.

Is that happening soon (i.e. moving in with the girlfriend full-time)?

With the other woman, only a few coffee meetings have taken place so far, though it is not beyond the realm of possibilities for one of those coffee meetings to turn into something else then what you had intended. 

Particularly considering the close emotional connection you share with her.

The trick you are trying to do is to convince yourself that you have an obligation to be with your girlfriend because of the kindness she has shown to you and her devotion to you. It's wonderful that you are grateful to her, but that doesn't mean that it is romantic love. If you are prepared to accept your girlfriend as she is, love her, lead, provide for and protect her with your own life if need be, you are loving her. 

If not, do not move in with her full-time.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Foxhall said:

well I agree- the term Girl A is perhaps a bit crude- just an oversight on my behalf-

It seems to minimize the emotional cheating to not call her "your GF".

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

also address your need to make sure you have a girl

Yes you probably have a point there- the thought I could lose both of them I would find that hard to deal with- which is not a good mindset I suppose.

I once went to counselling, must be ten years ago- Yeah I would consider it again.

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Is that happening soon (i.e. moving in with the girlfriend full-time)?

With the other woman, only a few coffee meetings have taken place so far, though it is not beyond the realm of possibilities for one of those coffee meetings to turn into something else then what you had intended. 

Particularly considering the close emotional connection you share with her.

The trick you are trying to do is to convince yourself that you have an obligation to be with your girlfriend because of the kindness she has shown to you and her devotion to you. It's wonderful that you are grateful to her, but that doesn't mean that it is romantic love. If you are prepared to accept your girlfriend as she is, love her, lead, provide for and protect her with your own life if need be, you are loving her. 

If not, do not move in with her full-time.

Yes that is very insightful Alpacalia,

Things have developed or changed a little today,

Girl B is now having second thoughts- she is saying it is unfair to ask me to leave GF-

that she will return home but that I am always welcome to go there and visit her.

She would like us to maintain a friendship something similar to what we have had for the past number of years,

I think I am happy to accept that as the solution, 

This will come across as a poor comment- but the said outcome will allow me to be still connected to both of them.

I will now try to push forward with GF and we will hope for the best. the few issues that Glows mentioned, maybe on occasion I feel a bit of an outsider but I think these issues are solvable,

Thank you to all of you who have replied on the thread and we will speak again.

 

[Noproblem]

You don't love current GF, leave her and then decide what you want to do with your life.

 

[S2B]

So definitely girl B wants you only to maintain her stay in your country. How does it feel to stay in touch with someone who intends to use you IF they can? 

please end it with your GF - it’s extremely disrespectful that you intend to stay in touch with User girl (B) all while pretending to be loyal to the GF.

you aren’t loyal, trustworthy or honest.

IF you were honest - you wouldn’t be hiding the coffee dates from the GF. She deserves way better! 
 

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes that is very insightful Alpacalia,

Things have developed or changed a little today,

Girl B is now having second thoughts- she is saying it is unfair to ask me to leave GF-

that she will return home but that I am always welcome to go there and visit her.

She would like us to maintain a friendship something similar to what we have had for the past number of years,

I think I am happy to accept that as the solution, 

This will come across as a poor comment- but the said outcome will allow me to be still connected to both of them.

I will now try to push forward with GF and we will hope for the best. the few issues that Glows mentioned, maybe on occasion I feel a bit of an outsider but I think these issues are solvable,

Thank you to all of you who have replied on the thread and we will speak again.

 

Memories of relationships stay with us for a long time, so it's not necessarily healthy to wait until they're completely forgotten before moving on. The more important thing is to focus on how well you connect with your girlfriend.

Is your girlfriend aware that you still want to reconcile with this woman? While I understand that your girlfriend knows you have an ongoing friendship with her, I think if she knew you wanted to be with her and you've been meeting with her one-on-one, she'd feel a lot differently about the relationship.

Getting over this former flame and being ready for a new relationship are often two separate things. The two of you (you and your girlfriend) may have at one point decided that you can still be in a relationship despite old feelings. If for instance that you're still hurt and angry at your ex and can't stop thinking about that, which your girlfriend may have understood - or even have experienced.

It’s important to understand how you feel about your past flame. That’s not to say that when we think about exes that we want to reconcile — there are a lot of different reasons they might still be on your mind — but in your case you actually DO want to reconcile.

Do you think this is something you could share with your girlfriend?

Your issues might be solvable together if you work through them together.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, S2B said:

ou aren’t loyal, trustworthy or honest.

Well I dont know- most people actually see me as a decent guy,

I would never shout at a woman for instance- that comes to mind from reading one of the other threads going at the moment,

Alpaca's thoughts are pretty close to the truth on it,

I developed a close emotional connection with this Girl B- coming from a point previously where I could never get any attention from women,

I could have slept with her recently but I did not go for that because I wanted to remain loyal to my GF (and am happy I did that) so I think that shows loyalty,

GF does know some of my history with Girl B- we spoke about her when we initially dated,

GF ok fair enough she does not know we met for coffee or that she is in the country,  but she did give me permission previously to have the occasional skype or call with her,

Again I like Alpaca's thoughts on what my mindset has to be to create a future with GF and that will be my focus now,

Id like to check in on Girl B from time to time in a brotherly sister way and I have encouraged her to go out and try to meet other guys.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

GF ok fair enough she does not know we met for coffee or that she is in the country,  

Sooner or later this will come to a head. And it may not be your choice or what you want because at this point you're not in control of the situation. Eventually your GF will find out or sense your preoccupation and this will adversely affect your primary relationship.

This old flame you're cheating with will also find someone ready, willing and able to have a real relationship with. You're just a shoulder to cry on. 

So I feel that you're burning the candle at both ends but you're the one who's going to get burned in the end.

Keep in mind, she is not your sister, so that excuse is similar to "just a friend" that cheaters use.

The thing is, you're not being honest with yourself.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Well I dont know- most people actually see me as a decent guy,

I would never shout at a woman for instance- that comes to mind from reading one of the other threads going at the moment,

Alpaca's thoughts are pretty close to the truth on it,

I developed a close emotional connection with this Girl B- coming from a point previously where I could never get any attention from women,

I could have slept with her recently but I did not go for that because I wanted to remain loyal to my GF (and am happy I did that) so I think that shows loyalty,

GF does know some of my history with Girl B- we spoke about her when we initially dated,

GF ok fair enough she does not know we met for coffee or that she is in the country,  but she did give me permission previously to have the occasional skype or call with her,

Again I like Alpaca's thoughts on what my mindset has to be to create a future with GF and that will be my focus now,

Id like to check in on Girl B from time to time in a brotherly sister way and I have encouraged her to go out and try to meet other guys.

 

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

This kind of relationship (brother-sister friendship) will be impossible for you. From childhood, I have that friendship with a male. A relationship of this type is built over the course of a lifetime through shared platonic experiences. It does not originate from someone with whom you have had a romantic relationship and still hold a torch for.

You can't just tell yourself, "Oh, I used to sleep with this girl and I still want to sleep with her and she's the love of my life, but now we'll just be like brothers and sisters."

I see two options.

Tell your girlfriend you're having these thoughts and completely cease contact with the ex flame from here on out or break up with your girlfriend.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Alpacalia

[S2B]

The fact that you STILL insist on “checking in” with girl B after everyone has told you that is a huge betrayal to your girlfriend - shows that you just don’t care enough for your GF. And that your GF deserves better!!!

you just won’t let girl B go - so end it with your GF because you STILL intend to betray her! You are betraying her by lying by omission - by wanting to keep in touch with the other woman that you just won’t end it with! 

stop mistreating your GF. I wish she REALLY knew who you are and what you’re doing behind her back - stabbing her as you go along - refusing to stop contact with your other woman! 😡

[FMW]

I would be humiliated if I knew my boyfriend was meeting up with and feeling tempted to get back with one of his former girlfriends.  I'm betting most women, including your girlfriend, would feel the same.  The fact that you can maybe hide it from her (I doubt you can, Women usually have a sense about these things), putting her in a position that would make her feel that way isn't a loving and caring thing to do.  

[glows]

11 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Again I like Alpaca's thoughts on what my mindset has to be to create a future with GF and that will be my focus now,

Id like to check in on Girl B from time to time in a brotherly sister way and I have encouraged her to go out and try to meet other guys.

 

 

Again, respectfully, you’re not addressing the issues in your relationship which are primarily that your girlfriend is career minded, independent and has a child who is her first priority. It seems to trigger insecurity in you. 

In honesty there are plenty of GBs. These are people looking for a free ride from vulnerable individuals like this in insecure relationships. It’s sad if GB knows you’re in a relationship and has propositioned this to you as it’s opportunistic and speaks of total disregard for your partner or the life you’ve built with someone else.

I’m not certain how much a person like this can be trusted but seeing from your behaviour and the way you’re continuing with the farce of this relationship with your girlfriend (when it seems you both are incompatible) perhaps GB and you  are a good match after all. It’s unfortunate anyone else like your partner had to get caught in the crosshairs. It seems like a game you’re playing to see how far it can go before it blows up. Either way proceed with caution if you intend to keep doing what you’re doing. I think it’s self-defeating.

[Foxhall]

Yes well Im not arguing with most of the comments,

It is good for me to hear a few home truths,

I am taking these recommendations on board, 

I will see- I am lucky to have girlfriend- she is a wonderful woman and I have no doubt she loves me and sees a long term future.  We have had a nice journey to this point and a few ups and downs but definitely more good than bad. So as I said I think Im going to go with that, them three issues mentioned by Glows they are not that big of a deal really, 

if I could get her to be slightly more vulnerable and less independent- that would help but on balance I love her and can see myself marrying her - and hopefully it can work. (these doubts I have now they will become a distant memory and never spoken of again)

As Glows suggests-Girl B and I are probably very compatible- and that is why I have had or have a difficulty in completely letting her go., 

I mean I dont think I can be expected to say Ill never speak to her again or something, but I am prepared to let our friendship fizzle out.

 

Again much appreciated all the replies,

 At this point, probably enough about me,  I think it is time to ask Lisa to step in now and maybe close the thread,

but see you guys around on the boards from time to time!