Torn by return of old flame

[Foxhall]

I am struggling to make a definite decision on this, so what the hell-I am on the lookout for any feedback or guidance here,

Background wise, I am no longer a spring chicken as they say, am early 40s now,  have generally always been a struggler with the ladies although things have improved in recent times.

I am in a relationship currently for well over three years. It is going well , she is a very genuine partner (Girl A I will call her) and I feel lucky to have met her and have enjoyed and still am enjoying our time together. I am quite happy at the thoughts of long-term commitment and future together. This is the longest relationship Ive been in- as I say am a late developer in truth at all of this.

There was another girl from eight/nine years ago- (Girl B) we had a brief romance- I asked her to marry me- she declined and left returning to her home country. We maintained contact however over the years since from long distance- occasional skypes and texting from time to time. 

Anyway Girl B has landed back again in my country- she is aware of my current relationship- we have met twice for coffee since her return.  She has indicated she would give me a different answer to the previous marriage question were I to ask her again!

I suppose where I am at- I have always been very attracted to the personality and beauty of this Girl B- she brings a vulnerability and stunning beauty which does captivate me.  She does not have much materially and in her own words is a little bit lost. She is looking for a guy to give her security, stability, ; marriage would give her citizenship of here and also actually EU citizenship. She says that is not what she is after but that it will be a bonus.  She is also a little younger than Girl A and is quite happy to have at least one child with me.

 

I am in the relationship with Girl A- as I say I am quite happy and she is a terrific girl. She is highly intelligent, good looking and very genuine without perhaps having that vulnerability and stunning beauty of Girl B.  

I dont feel I can break up with Girl A-my present partner- How could I tell her that am leaving her for an other woman. We have had a nice journey over the past few years and I think I should probably continue that journey.

Yet it also pains me to turn away an unexpected second chance with Girl B- as my best mate said to me you were so upset back eight years ago and now bizarrely she has come back and even more strangely you are turning her down.

So all in all I am confused -

I think I will stay in current relationship.

But I guess I am asking - What would you do?

 

 

 

 

 

[S2B]

I would NEVER return to any relationship where someone said no to me/a future with me.

it didn’t work for a reason. That reason is still there! She wants you for security (money, green card). Therefore, she wouldn’t be in it because she lives and adores who you are as a person - just what she can obtain from you.

stay in the relationship you have - it seems more balanced and happier.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

She is looking for a guy to give her security, stability, ; marriage would give her citizenship of here and also actually EU citizenship.

Ok them you know why she contacted you. Don't get sucked in and throw away what you have with your GF.

Does your GF know about the  chats and coffee with this woman? Tread carefully. Think with the head on your shoulders.

[S2B]

I’m unsure why you would meet her for coffee anyway. You knew she would be asking you for something. 
it seems not right for your GF - does she know you’ve met with her twice?

[Foxhall]

Thanks for your replies,

No certainly not- GF does not know, (somethings are better not knowing)

The former love she has a special place in my heart, I absolutely had to meet her,

I understand what your saying that it is unfair on GF for me even to meet the other woman- but I mean I had to satisfy my curiosity to see how things are eight years later,

I am not looking to end the present relationship,

but this lady is a temptation - 

thats where I am at.

 

[S2B]

This seems very unfair for you to with hold the truth from your GF while you are pining over the old flame.

now I really believe you should end it completely with the GF - it’s only fair to HER… especially given that you aren’t even being honest with her. Lying by omission is still lying.

when there’s not honesty in a relationship - it causes harm to that relationship.

be fair - let the GF find someone who focuses only on HER.

[Foxhall]

Ok I take your point,

I am open to being slated on the thread, I imagine I am raising a wider issue here of the mindset of a guy who cheats on his partner and all of that and that it may resonate unfavourably with the ladies on the forum  especially,

Again I thank both of your replies , I think you have hammered home for me that I am lucky to have the present relationship and I should be respectful and honourable to her.

 

 

[S2B]

13 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I think you have hammered home for me that I am lucky to have the present relationship and I should be respectful and honourable to her.

The fact that you ARE aware you aren’t honoring her and not being respectful to her - shows how little you think of her.

still the same suggestion - end it. You know you haven’t treated her right. Then you also want second helpings.

do long term counseling to find out why you would do this to her.

[Foxhall]

Well I only met her for coffees,

the GF does know of this other lady she knows we have a long term friendship,

She was my first love and the woman who gave me hope- 

I actually find your comment helpful anyway- as I say I am only learning the ropes at relationships

and - I do think a lot of my present girlfriend- We have had a nice journey and I love her.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

It would have been more appropriate if you had just said to your girlfriend that you were meeting with her for coffee.

More appropriate not to meet her at all.

The decision was made to make plans with the ex-flame behind her back and then to lie to her about those plans.

I wouldn't read into your ex flame's actions as giving you another chance despite what she's telling you.

Edited October 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Foxhall said:

- GF does not know, (somethings are better not knowing)

 

What will happen when she finds out you're doing this and have the hots for some old flame? She will eventually sense your distraction.

[FMW]

If the situation was reversed, and it was your current girlfriend doing what you are doing and having the feelings you are having about one of her old flames, what would YOU think?   This isn't a "resonate unfavourably with the ladies" thing.   

[glows]

I having a very hard time how your best mate goaded you and completely disrespected your current relationship with your partner. Is this person having interpersonal issues in relationships or does he struggle in relationships and disrespect women? People are not objects to be swapped out on a whim or because of stunning beauty or great sadness almost a decade ago. I suggest digging deeper at your reasons for having a partner or why you choose daily to be in a relationship. Are you avoiding deeper intimacy out of fear?

That aside, you did mention your partner lacks as much vulnerability. You’ve compared her to this person from the past. There may not be enough communication in your relationship and she already senses you’re half checked out emailing and texting and meeting another woman for coffees. Who would get comfortable being vulnerable around that? 

Before you decide to start something with someone else, figure out what you want. Love isn’t enough if you’re not compatible. It’s better to address what’s going on in your relationship now. 

Edited October 7, 2022 by glows

[Foxhall]

Well the only way I can answer that is that I would not like it.

The way I see it I have not done much wrong yet but if I indulge any further I know I am heading on a slippery slope with current relationship,

Look I pretty much have made my mind up I am committing to present relationship and will tell the old flame that unfortunately the timing is wrong and I am not prepared to leave the present GF for her,

Thank you to all for the replies, I am aware my postings do not show my character in a favourable light, but I suppose as strangers on the internet I am not here to seek gratification or approval.

Your comments have been very helpful however so I take them on board and it also gives me food for thought about the whole issue of having feelings for other women.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Foxhall said:

and will tell the old flame that unfortunately the timing is wrong and I am not prepared to leave the present GF for her,.

It sounds like you’re still leaving that door open for a relationship down the line should circumstances change. As long as she’s in the picture and you’re still communicating and meeting with her, I doubt your relationship with your partner will grow. It’s sabotaging what you have now. If you disagree by all means. Continue what you’re doing. Imo, the relationship will fall apart or neither of you may really find the happiness or deeper commitment/vulnerability you may be looking for.

[Foxhall]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

I having a very hard time how your best mate goaded you and completely disrespected your current relationship with your partner. Is this person having interpersonal issues in relationships or does he struggle in relationships and disrespect women?

My previous response was to Fmw,

Yes Glows, this is a different issue that I will not go into but possibly yes the friends I have had would see all this as acceptable,

So its good for me to observe a strangers viewpoint and make me consider that well it is not ok to have distracted thoughts in a relationship.

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear that your friends are all like that. At some point it’s good to reflect on what you are and what you want as an individual, out of your relationships, how actions themselves show and demonstrate loyalty, love and commitment. Your life may be headed in a different direction from these people. That is ok. Make new friends as well.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I’m sorry to hear that your friends are all like that. At some point it’s good to reflect on what you are and what you want as an individual, out of your relationships, how actions themselves show and demonstrate loyalty, love and commitment. Your life may be headed in a different direction from these people. That is ok. Make new friends as well.

Nice thoughts-appreciate it.

[mark clemson]

While it's understandable, I think you may be "romanticizing" girl B a bit. She's an unknown and you're risking/destroying what you've built with girl A for a relationship that might or might not work out. IF you're genuinely happy with girl A, then it would seem unwise to throw away what you have to take a chance on her.

One question to ask yourself - are there any serious incompatibilities with girl A that you've been postponing dealing with? In particular, are you interested in kids and she's not? That would be a major issue that might warrant reconsidering the relationship. If there's nothing like that, then I think the "one in the hand is worth two in the bush" principle applies.

Edited October 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

I get it. 

There are times when we grieve the loss of what might have been or are frustrated by the inability to speak mindfully when a relationship ended abruptly.

While I was first dating, I struggled to reconcile some residual feelings I had toward an ex flame. For me I worked through those feelings BY MYSELF rather than reaching out or meeting with said ex-flame.  Whatever the case, it worked itself out without the need to meet or talk to ex-lovers.

Maybe all you needed was a cup of coffee to close this chapter. 

You can't, and really, you don't need to contact your ex by meeting up for coffee behind your girlfriend's back. Meeting up with exes will echo all the things that happened with that individual in your current relationship, and that is not fair to the woman you are currently seeing. Overall, if you want to move on from your ex, it is essential that you do your best to not stay in touch and not be around her.

[flitzanu]

i have to say, i've had some similar things happen but not exactly as your story.

so, i can relate to the feeling of someone that "got away" from ten years ago, and, my curiousity would be...what exactly has Girl B done to show you things should be different?  what reasons did she give to reject you?  was there display of regret?  did she even give good reasons for ending the relationship 9 years ago?

 

obviously this isn't even including the current Girl A for the scenario, but without context it sounds like you're jumping at Girl B just mentioning she would "say yes" this time and no story of why you'd even consider.

(my story - the part that resonates with me, my "girl b" had made contact many years later, and apologized and explained every reason and showed guilt and regret for what happened -- if your "girl B" isn't regretful and just wants citizenship....well....)

[Wiseman2]

I think you know you're playing with fire. Hopefully it will blow over.

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

what reasons did she give to reject you?

She said she did not really feel it back in 2014, she was too mixed up and unsure of herself to go with me then.

that she only realised she loved me during a skype call in 2020.

I suppose where my regret is mainly based- me and her (Girl B) we are similar in the sense of being unsure of ourselves, a casual observer might say we should have more done in our lives at this stage so we bond in that sense.

I also have an attraction to being the provider- that this Girl B needs my help,

But in saying that I am going to stay with Girl A- she is very loyal and while I probably dont deserve it, I know she loves me and has my back, and wants me to be a part of her life.  I also do enjoy our times together, the only slight doubt I have is- she is very independent in her own right, she has a busy career and a child of her own (well that in-fairness she is happy for me to be involved with.) but she has other priorities too I mean- maybe that is my doubt for our relationship.

We only live together part-time now, so the real test will be when we live full time together I suspect. Anyway  I have to give this current relationship a chance and it does not feel right for me to walk away at this point.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Foxhall said:

 I am going to stay with Girl A- she is very loyal and while I probably dont deserve it, I know she loves me and has my back,  

So do you think it's a damsel in distress type of thing? Personally I would find it insulting if someone claimed they loved me suddenly because they need a residency and financial support.

You live with your GF  part time? (who's been demoted to "girl A", lol) How does that work?

I would ponder why "girl A" is suddenly an option. It's sad you're lying to her yet enjoying the security of her presence and steadfastness .

Edited October 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

12 hours ago, Foxhall said:

she has a busy career and a child of her own

If this is what’s bothering you about your partner it’s valid and the core of your insecurities. 

If she’s career minded and has a child these elements aren’t going to disappear. They are at the core of her too, possibly interlinked and directly related to one another being a provider herself and single mother. What’s peculiar is you find this in competition  with yourself as if you must be the only provider. It’s good to reflect on why this is.

After you wrote this it’s clearer why the other person from the past appears a more acceptable choice for you. You’re not feeling good about your partner’s priorities. And these will not change especially not with regards to her child. I’m not sure how a person can live with themselves day in and day out pretending it’s ok and meeting someone else, another romantic option behind a partner’s back and still expect this relationship to have any legs to stand upon. You’re not compatible and it’s more difficult to keep dragging this on.