In Love With Married Man

[ForbiddenLove]

Unfortunately, it’s happened to me. I’ve never been this person before. He and I knew each other in high school and lost contact. During the time we weren’t in contact, we both married and had kids. I’m divorced, he’s not. We are still in love since all those years ago (over 20). We never dated back then but we both knew the feelings we had for each other and we have thought about each other for all these years. 
I love him, he loves me. It’s unfortunate that circumstances are the way they are. 
He’s not going to leave his wife either 😪 Which is absolutely killing me.

[glows]

Are you able to let it be? Understand you have feelings (not ever fight those feelings) and acknowledge it’s fine to move on? 

The concept of feeling stuck and struggling is largely internal. I wouldn’t use energy to fight those feelings. Appreciate that you care for one another and also respectfully understand no contact is best and fall in love with someone else. 

[ForbiddenLove]

We got back in contact almost 2 years ago. We did go no contact for about 9 months but I thought about him everyday and dated but I can’t seem to get over him. He told me he loves me and I know he does and I do him. I’m not sure I can fall in love with someone else. He’s been on my mind through every relationship I’ve had all these years. 

[glows]

Does his wife know about you and the affair and have you met her? How comfortable are you with a man who lives a double life or lies, is dishonest? For a good many this is an automatic turn off as the person is unreliable. What he does to her, he can do to you. He says he loves you but does that sound a bit odd to you? How do you reconcile the fact that there’s another woman in the picture? 

Do you feel sorry for him in his marriage, being divorced yourself? Does he tell you he’s unhappy? There may be a lot of layers here and unresolved issues from your divorce also.

Knowing one another from your youth may also give you the impression you have a right to him or know him before she came along, as justification for the affair. This isn’t uncommon but I think it’s a form of false intimacy. What you see isn’t what you get. You knew him when he wasn’t married but he’s married now. 

 

[ForbiddenLove]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Does his wife know about you and the affair and have you met her? How comfortable are you with a man who lives a double life or lies, is dishonest? For a good many this is an automatic turn off as the person is unreliable. What he does to her, he can do to you. He says he loves you but does that sound a bit odd to you? How do you reconcile the fact that there’s another woman in the picture? 

Do you feel sorry for him in his marriage, being divorced yourself? Does he tell you he’s unhappy? There may be a lot of layers here and unresolved issues from your divorce also.

Knowing one another from your youth may also give you the impression you have a right to him or know him before she came along, as justification for the affair. This isn’t uncommon but I think it’s a form of false intimacy. What you see isn’t what you get. You knew him when he wasn’t married but he’s married now. 

 

His wife does not know about me or our affair. I have not met her.

If he was happy, I don’t think he would live a double life.

I am trying to figure out how to be able to handle another woman being in his life.

I do feel bad for it. He knows that. I feel bad for her and their kids but I do feel like I can’t not have him in my life. He does tell me he’s unhappy. No sex, no attention. He messages me all the time while he’s at home bc she pays no attention to him.

There are no unresolved issues from my divorce which was 15 years ago.

I am not under the impression that I have a right to him. I feel like she does bc he made that commitment to her.

[Starswillshine]

12 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

If he was happy, I don’t think he would live a double life.

This is a trap most women fall into. However, this is not always the case. Women just assume it. Men compartmentalize. Typically, they want extra. 

 

13 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

He does tell me he’s unhappy. No sex, no attention. He messages me all the time while he’s at home bc she pays no attention to him.

As does every other married man chasing another woman. Would you be engaging if this if he told you he was happy, having sex all the time, and his wife is a lovely person who showers him with attention? Instead- you get messages while he's on the toilet. 

[ForbiddenLove]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

This is a trap most women fall into. However, this is not always the case. Women just assume it. Men compartmentalize. Typically, they want extra. 

 

As does every other married man chasing another woman. Would you be engaging if this if he told you he was happy, having sex all the time, and his wife is a lovely person who showers him with attention? Instead- you get messages while he's on the toilet. 

The messages don’t come when he’s on the toilet. They come from the minute he gets out of work until he goes to bed. We text for hours and he is very attentive to my messages.

[Allupinnit]

4 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

The messages don’t come when he’s on the toilet. They come from the minute he gets out of work until he goes to bed. We text for hours and he is very attentive to my messages.

Well you'll have to be content with this.

[glows]

It’s missing larger components of a relationship if you’re hidden in an affair. No holidays together, no vacations, worrying about someone else finding out. This seems mostly text based. Not certain how this is fulfilling in the long run. Could you explain a bit more on how you see this continuing?

Have you been physically intimate(had sex)? Or is this an emotional affair? 

 

 

[ForbiddenLove]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s missing larger components of a relationship if you’re hidden in an affair. No holidays together, no vacations, worrying about someone else finding out. This seems mostly text based. Not certain how this is fulfilling in the long run. Could you explain a bit more on how you see this continuing?

Have you been physically intimate(had sex)? Or is this an emotional affair? 

 

 

We have been intimate once, wasn’t planned, got caught up in the moment. It is more text based than physical due to the wife and bc we do live kind of far from each other. 

[ForbiddenLove]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s missing larger components of a relationship if you’re hidden in an affair. No holidays together, no vacations, worrying about someone else finding out. This seems mostly text based. Not certain how this is fulfilling in the long run. Could you explain a bit more on how you see this continuing?

Have you been physically intimate(had sex)? Or is this an emotional affair? 

 

 

I don’t know how I see this continuing if he stays with his wife. I’d love for him to leave her.

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

If he was happy, I don’t think he would live a double life.

Says every other woman… It is most often not the case. Even if his marriage is tolerable, you make it more tolerable by providing what he may not be getting at home - a little extra excitement, affection, validation. Men have a lot to lose when a marriage ends  - financially, full custody of the children, damage to their reputation (if the affair is discovered and they leave for their affair partner). Most men prefer to keep the comforts of their marriage while pursuing extracurricular activities on the side… Women tend to be the opposite. When they get with a man, they tend to go all in - as you have done. Don’t make the mistake of projecting/thinking that he is like you - he isn’t, despite whatever he may say.  

51 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

He does tell me he’s unhappy. No sex, no attention. He messages me all the time while he’s at home bc she pays no attention to him.

Typical. 

As was said above, very few MM are honest with their affair partners because most women won’t have sex with them if they admit that they are having sex with their wives and generally content with their family life. Instead, they tell their tale of woe hoping to play on your sympathy for the fact that he is neglected terribly by his wife… and you have played right into his hands. 

51 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

I feel bad for her and their kids but I do feel like I can’t not have him in my life.

I am not under the impression that I have a right to him. I feel like she does bc he made that commitment to her.

Well, apparently you are because you have been interfering in their marriage for two years now. You seem to be under the misguided notion that he is yours to have - even if only for a few stolen moments.

As was said above, you can love him from afar. Everyone has “what-ifs,” people and relationships that may have been different had it been a different time/place. This is no different - it’s a real shame that you have gone so far down the rabbit hole here because it just makes it harder to let this go and move on with your own life. 

Edited October 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

3 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

I don’t know how I see this continuing if he stays with his wife. I’d love for him to leave her.

And this is the problem for every OW - if and when he's going to leave.  They almost never do, unfortunately.  He's even said so.  

So now you begin the tortuous journey of wanting to let go but not being able to, never satisfied and content with the status quo, alone in your pain because you fear judgement from others (affairs are incredibly isolating for the OW), comparing every single man who could be good for you to him, but they'll never measure up to the fantasy man you've built up in your head.

We all like to think that our situation is somehow special but affairs almost always run the same course.  

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

I don’t know how I see this continuing if he stays with his wife. I’d love for him to leave her.

After two years, this is very unlikely. 

Add to that, you ended it for nine months and that wasn’t enough to prompt him to file for divorce. By his actions - he was willing to let you go, he has never shown that he was willing to end his marriage. 

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

The messages don’t come when he’s on the toilet. They come from the minute he gets out of work until he goes to bed. We text for hours and he is very attentive to my messages.

Unfortunately, virtual relationships tend to create a false feeling of intimacy when in fact, it is often an illusion. Relationships develop in person. The fact that he is an attentive pen pal means very little - it’s very easy to text someone throughout the day. There is little risk, there is little effort required. If you were to stop texting tomorrow, he would return to focus on work and family and his life would go on… 

[BaileyB]

Not to mention the fact that he is capable of texting with another woman all day everyday and carrying on a secretive relationship. 

I know, you see this as fated and meant to be - rather obvious and expected behavior for a man who is in love with another woman. That is obviously because you are the other woman, and not the wife. It’s all a matter of perspective. 

In truth, the fact that he could do this while lying to his wife everyday is a HUGE red flag. No doubt, you would say that would never happen to you… but how could you be sure? 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, ForbiddenLove said:

He and I knew each other in high school and lost contact.

We are still in love since all those years ago.

We never dated back then but we both knew the feelings we had for each other and we have thought about each other for all these years. 
 

IF you were both so in love back in HS, why did you not ever date? 

Even if he had a girlfriend, it's HS, and he would have broken up with her to be with you.   IF he had strong feelings for you as you claim. 

That is a very common occurrence in High School.

I don't like to assume but sounds more like you had a crush on him, he had a girlfriend and was unavailable, you both graduated and moved on to others but YOU never got over your crush, and here you are.

That's what makes more sense given the past and current circumstances.

Do you realize that by maintaining this pen-pal situationship with him, you are helping him stay in his marriage?

You are a diversion from the hum-drum, making his marriage tolerable and even more harmonious. 

You are also providing a big ego boost including sexually, which makes him feel sexier with and for his wife.

He would never tell you any of this.  Married men in affairs lie. 

He's lying to his wife (obviously) and lying to you (also obviously)

Aim higher.

This is one long road to Never-Never Land. 

I'm sorry.

 

 

Edited October 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, ForbiddenLove said:

The messages don’t come when he’s on the toilet. They come from the minute he gets out of work until he goes to bed. We text for hours and he is very attentive to my messages.

It's the things we tell ourselves to feel better about the situation we put ourselves in....

[mark clemson]

IF you're happy with the affair, you're happy with the affair.

He is taking a lot of risk (IMO) texting you frequently, etc It could easily blow up in his face if his wife ever starts glancing at his phone. Despite what might or might not be genuine unhappiness, at that point, chances are you will be "dropped" while he tries to repair his marriage. Divorce is a big deal, and not everyone wants to deal with it if they can avoid it.

As you've pointed out, you "wanting more" isn't likely to change things. If you at some point decide you're not happy, the simple thing to is to end things with him and date available men. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy" particularly when it comes to romance. However, it's a straightforward way to get to a relationship that is more functional, less risk-filled, and probably more beneficial to you.

[poppyfields]

He most likely has a separate phone and number he uses with you. 

I knew a guy who had around five different phones with different numbers and different email accounts for each women. 

OP, please wake up.  You are wasting precious months/years being with this liar and cheat, come on now

You deserve better don't you think? 

I truly don't understand.

Edited October 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, ForbiddenLove said:

He’s not going to leave his wife either

Reading with interest, it relates somewhat to my own current situation-although with not so many ties.

Its probably best that you dont ask him to choose between the two of you,

Its not easy for him to walk away from his marriage, 

even if he loves you he feels tied and unable to extract himself from that commitment,

Its up to him to leave his marriage first before you declare your full intent,

chances are he will not be prepared too and you should not wait for him,

its painful for both of you but as you say circumstances do not always allow us to follow our hearts.

 

 

[Starswillshine]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

He most likely has a separate phone and number he uses with you. 

I knew a guy who had around five different phones with different numbers and different email accounts for each women. 

OP, please wake up.  You are wasting precious months/years being with this liar and cheat, come on now

You deserve better don't you think? 

I truly don't understand.

Also I have seen it where it is one phone, but... 

"The wife doesn't pay attention to me" and the OW buys into it because he is texting all the time. Except wife is handling things. Kids, cooking, house stuff, working, etc. While husband is over there texting someone else. 

These MM always seem like real prizes. 

[Allupinnit]

3 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

 

its painful for both of you but as you say circumstances do not always allow us to follow our hearts.

 

 

I feel we should reframe this way of thinking.  Our hearts are most often times deceitful.  Imagine if we gave in to every feeling!  Told your boss to eff off.  Ate that dessert you know you shouldn't.  Spent money with abandon.  Live outside your means and carry cc debt.  Start flirting with that married man.  Life requires discipline to go right.  We suffer consequences without it, but our hearts want to lead us astray ALL the time.  In fact our hearts are masters at selling us on bad ideas.  

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

After two years, this is very unlikely. 

Add to that, you ended it for nine months and that wasn’t enough to prompt him to file for divorce. By his actions - he was willing to let you go, he has never shown that he was willing to end his marriage. 

The bolded isn’t necessarily the issue. [Just giving a little bit of a different angle here: In my case, it took xMM I believe 5 or 6 years (i didn’t count) to eventually get divorced, and we were LD as well (not always, but maybe 60% of the time), with interruptions, and often multiple states apart, due to work & family obligations, but I knew they’d eventually get divorced either way, and I wasn’t anxiously waiting, either. The opposite, actually.]

But: OP thinks she loves MM, and at the same time she knows he doesn’t want more, because he said so (“I won’t get divorced”), and she needs to take him by his word. And that’s really the end of it. It’s a phantasy on her part, as they haven’t even met up a lot, either. No physical intimacy except for once in a time period of 2 years. That’s not how to keep a man interested. My guess is that the non-stop texting will get boring to him at some point, because he can’t / won’t act on it anyways (due to distance and maybe for some other reasons we don’t know), and he’ll ghost or slow fade at some point.

@ForbiddenLove  A texting relationship is not sustainable, especially if one party is married & busy with work and children! If you never see him in person, you’re wasting your time. Continuing this is only a good idea if you need some light & fun distraction on the side, when you’re bored. This is not an affair. You’re giving this way more importance and headspace than “it” deserves. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

While husband is over there texting someone else. 

Yup and he can also text during work and to/from which can totally 8-9 hours a day (or more) he's texting you. 

And you're thinking -- 'oh he's so attentive and must love me to be texting so much,' while for him again you're a diversion from the hum-drum, same ole/same ole. 

I mean it's texting, it's not even an affair really. 

Nevermind him leaving his wife which you know won't ever happen, why do you NOT ever meet in person? 

Again, I truly don't understand.

Edited October 7, 2022 by poppyfields