In Love With Married Man

[Foxhall]

9 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I feel we should reframe this way of thinking.  Our hearts are most often times deceitful.  Imagine if we gave in to every feeling!  Told your boss to eff off.  Ate that dessert you know you shouldn't.  Spent money with abandon.  Live outside your means and carry cc debt.  Start flirting with that married man.  Life requires discipline to go right.  We suffer consequences without it, but our hearts want to lead us astray ALL the time.  In fact our hearts are masters at selling us on bad ideas.  

Not wishing to intrude any further on this thread, but Yes I like that post,

 

educational for me it is 👍

[Bubble_20]

1 hour ago, ForbiddenLove said:

We have been intimate once, wasn’t planned, got caught up in the moment. It is more text based than physical due to the wife and bc we do live kind of far from each other. 

I don’t think he’ll base his future, destruction of marriage and financial devastation on the basis of one intimate experience with you. I’m sorry to say. 
They rarely do even after years of an intense physical and emotional affair!
The type of texting affair you describe leaves so much more to the imagination and fuels the fantasy. 

Our hearts and ‘feelings’ can really get in the way of common sense in these situations. If you can, try and put the emotions to one side and realistically weigh up the chances of this developing into a proper relationship. If he’s indicated that he can’t or won’t leave the marriage and you’re still eager to pursue., then (in his mind at least), he’s been honest with you and can’t be blamed for zero action on his part. You’ll be the willing participant in your own heart break. 

 
 

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Even if he loves you he feels tied and unable to extract himself from that commitment,

What a leap it would be to leave a marriage for a woman with whom he has done little more than text for two years. I mean, what a risk - he would lose half his assets, pay child support, lose full-custody of his children - and you don’t even live near each other. Unless the marriage was bad and failed on it’s own merit, no man in their right mind would do this… and if they did, it would show a serious lack of good judgment that would be quite concerning. 

Love simply doesn’t conquer all. Nothing is so fated in the stars that we should follow are hearts at the expense of logic - as was said above, hearts can be very deceiving and sometimes we all need a reality check. I’m sorry to be your reality check OP, but if he is not going to leave his marriage you would be wise to accept that and leave this man to his marriage. 

Edited October 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

Just now, BaileyB said:

What a leap it would be to leave a marriage for a woman with whom he has done little more than text for two years? I

Agree, and this is what's baffling. 

How this could even be referred to as an "affair"?   A love affair? 

Texting is not even considered a relationship much less a love affair and to the OP, I can't help but feel you are deluding yourself and telling yourself a story because facing the reality of the situation is too painful..

Especially given the fact you have been crushing on this man since HS.

It's not easy letting go of a fantasy, but you can do it. 

But the first step is recognizing that it IS a fantasy. 

For you.

For him it's a diversion. 

Again I'm sorry and all the best moving forward, ideally without him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

So this has been a mostly-digital thing, huh? 

[glows]

6 hours ago, ForbiddenLove said:

I don’t know how I see this continuing if he stays with his wife. I’d love for him to leave her.

Is he? Divorce cert please before love. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ForbiddenLove said:

We have been intimate once,. It is more text based than physical .we do live kind of far from each other. 

How far away is he? Unfortunately he was just looking for some fun when the  opportunity arose. Don't throw your life away on a married man or a textationship.

Get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps, start talking to and meeting available, local, single men.

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people so reflect why you are doing this to yourself.

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps, start talking to and meeting available, local, single men.

That said, you need to understand that it’s going to be difficult for any man you meet to even begin to compare to the fantasy you have created about this man that you’ve been crushing on since high school. You’ve been fantasizing about this guy for years. You’ve indulged your fantasy by having sex with him. As I said above, you’ve gone so far down the rabbit hole here that it’s going to take a lot of time and effort for you to get right again. 

Edited October 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[spiderowl]

Think about how he is treating his wife.  He is texting you frequently while she is around, probably in the room.  How would you feel if you were her and found out about this?

Ask him if his wife knows about you?  If she does not (and she probably doesn't), ask him how he hides your texts.  This can be very revealing about what a guy is really like.  You can learn how sneaky he is.

He has already said he is not going to get divorced.  He is minimising your expectations.  He wants to keep up the fun chatting and receive your adoration without promising you anything.  He is enjoying the attention; he has effectively said so.  Is that what you want?  To be a distant woman who is giving him attention and stroking his ego?  He will let you do that as long as you carry on and as long as he isn't caught.

I know it is hard to 'forget' someone if they are on your mind like this.  He is unattainable at present so you don't get to see the annoying side of him; that will make him seem more appealing.  You are getting to see the sneaky, disloyal side of him.

Quite honestly, married men can seem more attractive than single men.  Quite often, they are in many respects - they show they can maintain a home and support a family; they usually have good manners; they are often 'established' as respected members of their community; they have social skills and know how to chat to people; they know how to keep a wife and family happy; they know how to be romantic; they are often clean and hygienic; they know not to indulge in sex chat with women they have just met; they have fewer obvious quirks.  Yes, I know I am maligning single guys here but I have long experience of dating and I know from that experience that guys who have stayed single for a long time are often lacking in important respects: manners; helpfulness; protectiveness; personal hygiene; intelligence; literacy; achievement;  'normality'.  The latter might seem an odd thing to say but I have encountered so many single guys with ''fetishes' or 'things' about one thing or another that I am convinced it is one of the reasons they are still single.  Yes, I would like to meet a nice, single guy, but no, I do not want to have to wear stockings and suspenders for him or to be dominant or submissive, much older or much younger than him.

This is not to say that married men are perfect: they are clearly not, especially if they lie and cheat.  It is just a general observation based on experience.  I can understand why a single woman would be attracted to a married man who appears to demonstrate responsibility, achievement, and an ability to talk to people of all kinds.  Do not be deceived, though, some married guys are living a double life and enjoying the attention of someone else on the side.  Please don't be that person who gets used in this way.  You deserve someone for yourself who truly knows how to love and respect his partner.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2022 by spiderowl

[Walter Kronite]

On 10/7/2022 at 5:55 AM, ForbiddenLove said:

Unfortunately, it’s happened to me. I’ve never been this person before. He and I knew each other in high school and lost contact. During the time we weren’t in contact, we both married and had kids. I’m divorced, he’s not. We are still in love since all those years ago (over 20). We never dated back then but we both knew the feelings we had for each other and we have thought about each other for all these years. 
I love him, he loves me. It’s unfortunate that circumstances are the way they are. 
He’s not going to leave his wife either 😪 Which is absolutely killing me.

I know emotions seem like a gift from magic but they aren't. You are part of a high risk group which means you are hurting probably already. You can do nothing so make sure it is not to make his marriage blow up if you can avoid it as you have your own questions to answer which might involve you seeing your kids as interested claimants...this would bring your ex in to my mind. What happened to that relationship, if I might ask? Just because you are divorced doesn't mean it is a renewal on your license to find love you never had but, then again, you may be love which means you don't have to always find 100% anything at all. Do you know why he is not leaving his wife? Is he telling her?