Bluejay Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Here’s the thing that is most painful about my husband playing cards. He has been playing for almost 2 years every 2 weeks and before that every week ( always on the weekend) and never once asked me. First, I thought that it was only guys which was fine with me. Then I found out over time that there were a few women and one couple included. Then I really started feeling left out. It makes me sad that after all this time he doesn’t care to introduce to a group of 12-15 people that he has gotten to know quite well. The difference between this and workplace is that he goes on the weekend and parties with these people. It is a different atmosphere and one in which he could have invited me. He sees nothing wrong in it and over time through our disagreements over this has still not come to understand my side. I feel left out. I think it is mean. I would never do it to him. Even if I didn’t think he would like something, after I was involved for a certain period of time, I would definitely invite him. Especially since I must be lame since I’m home most of the time he is out and he knows this. We do stuff together and he seems to want to keep this separate. I would understand better if there weren’t other women involved but there are and one of them has become a girlfriend of a good friend of his. Doesn’t this sound odd to you or is it perfectly normal? I’m not going to say I am not jealous in some ways but he makes me feel this way. I really am not trying to stop him from doing something he enjoys, I just want him to understand why I feel like I do. But he thinks something is wrong with me. There is more to this but I would really like to hear some opinions on this matter. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Well, I think each person in a marriage should have things they like to do alone, but with that being said it's a different situation that you're in, I see that right away. It's more than "just once a week" with the guys... He should be including you every now and then, atleast to watch and so you can meet everybody. I don't know why he isn't too thrilled, unless there is a woman he is crushing on or something. Don't panic yet! I think you should gather up afew girlfriends and GO check out his cardparty one night. Don't tell him, just show up! Why not? If he has nothing to hide, it's a cool surprise, if he gets pissed off, then you know something is up. Either way I think a wife should know the people her husband is spending alot of time with over the weekends. I know you're not going to stop him from playing cards, but another thing to do is spend time with your friends. Be active and take that approach. Don't stay home! If he knows you're there, (bet he thinks you're sulking and sullen too) show him up, have a good time somewhere. I bet that will get his knickers in a knot and make him react abit??? Maybe give him a slight taste of his own medicin? Just throwing out afew ideas for you. Hang in there and try not to be worried. I highly doubt anything is happening there, but he should be inviting you along - Or atleast offering. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Have you ever asked to be included? Or have you just assumed that he'd ask you? It could be that you've never expressed an interest, or maybe you've said something in the past about "that stupid card game" or similar dismissal. Besides, what's wrong with having some social contact without the spouse present? It's only once every two weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Really need a guys view on this.... From mine (woman's), I'd be pissed and jealous, and feel hurt and left out and unwanted, and ... and... Mostly because this has obviously become a part of his life, a part that you are specifically NOT invited into. I don't want to be a part of everything in my SO's life, but just a brief introduction to all aspects. More of a "this is me, and I want you to know who I am". On the flip side, maybe he knows you hate cards, would be bored, is scared you would want to go every single time if you went once.... There are things I really don't want my SO going to... I know he has no interest in, I'm not doing anything secretive or wrong, but it's my time, I enjoy it, and I know I'd spend all my time worrying if he was having a good time instead of enjoying myself. However, he invited himself one time, and it did upset me. I felt like he didn't trust me, and that he wasn't respecting me, and I worried he'd want to go every time. Instead of saying you feel left out, etc... Maybe if you explained to him that you would like to know him better, see who he is more fully, he would be more willing to have you sit in once. Especially if you insist it's just once, you promise not to infringe or anything. That it's only because you love him and want to know more about him and what interests him... Express interest in going because you are interested in who he is. Not because you feel left out or wish to find a new social outlet. Link to post Share on other sites
mcgee0 Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 I'd be pissed, too. You already stated that he doesn't understand your side, so I am assuming you have talked to him at length about this. Sometimes people do want to just go out by themselves, but if the situation is how you described and you are just NOT INVITED ever, then it sounds like something fishy is going on. Apparently he can't "let loose" or have a good time with you around. ( Not that it's your fault.) Sounds like you two need to bond more together. Spend more time doinf things you both enjoy together. Either that or get a new hobby/circle of friends that he can't penetrate! See how he likes it.Hope everything works out O.K. for you, girl! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 1. He is being selfish! It doesn't matter whether it's food, fun or a hobby, spouses should always offer to share things. He can have privacy in certain areas, but a hobby is not one of them. He should have invited you. 2. I would be hurt that he prefers to be without me rather than with me. If he likes to play cards, he should be glad if you wanted to come and play with them too. I personally could leave my husband for a few hours if I want to go shopping or out with gilrfriends or something that I know he wouldn't be interested in. But basically I would enjoy his company at any time. If he doesn't want to take you with him, don't be intrusive. Ask him why he prefers to go without you. Find yourself a hobby that you will engage in. Your life should not revolve around his. The more you want to be with him the more of annoying baggage you will be in his eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Marriage is not 24/7 sticking / spending time with your partner. That includes work, that includes interests, and that includes hobbies. That includes shopping. If my SO would need tampons, and she is intent to get them herself, I do not see the point of dragging myself to the store, if it is just that what she needs. Replace "tampons" with any one item imaginable. It is not about preferring to spend all the time without you. It is about preferring to spend some time without you. Whether it is with origami, playing chess, or mountaineering. If he hates horseback-riding, would you force him to do that every three months? I doubt it - and if you were to make an invitation, it was only with the expectation to hear a rejection. I am confused by some people who say that it is okay to leave their SO for something they are not interested in, but demand to be included in the activities of their SO, wherein they do not have any interest, other than that the SO spends a certain amount on that interest. It is somewhat odd, though I must admit. Then again, your husband knows you better than we do, so it is quite imaginable that he thinks you would hate to spend your time there. If you don't have a proper understanding of the rules of the game, it cannot be very exciting to just watch (if watching does not interrupt the flow of play, because emotional cues can betray cards). I am not saying that his behavior is perfect. But you cannot have a healthy marriage if you are spending 24/7 on each other's lips either. Get some hobbies of your own, and make your husband realize you do not need him, to spend your time with a bit of pleasure. Meet new people yourself, and spend quality time with others than your husband alone. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 I think a lot depends on how much time the two of you get to spend together. If you're both busy working long hours and don't see much of a chance to see eachother during the week, and he's then spending large chunks of the weekend with other people in activities to which you're not invited, then I can certainly see why you would be feeling hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 I think a lot depends on how much time the two of you get to spend together. The point is she sits at home all the time and WANTS to go with him. What's the reason for him to feel happier without her than with her? How would you feel if your husband went on e.g. picnics without you, although he knew you wanted to go with him and other men and women were going too? Or if he liked to paly tennis and didn't allow you to even come and watch him play? I don't think this should be mixed with "each party has to have time for themselves." This is just playing cards and he knows he is hurting his wife. Why does he need to be alone while playing cards with other men and women? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 You sound scary. "he can't have a hobby or interest that you aren't completely included in"?????????? The point is she sits at home all the time and WANTS to go with him. What's the reason for him to feel happier without her than with her? Having your own hobbies and interests in a relationship can actually be used to make the relationship stronger. If my SO had to be included in everything I do, I would feel he was clingy, needy, and insecure. I wouldn't respect him very much. And frankly, I am happier without him included in some hobbies, then with him. I still love him, and want him in my life, but I don't want to spend every GD single moment with him!!!! Plus play entertainment coordinator for a SO who sits at home all day. Ick! I want a partner, not a baby. And it's not just a "card" game. It's his time, his hobby, his interest. What she needs to do is get her own interests/hobbies/friends. Even if she WANTS to go to his. There is such a thing as individuality within a relationship. It needs to be respected or one or both of the parties become resentful. The ONLY exception to this is if she could ensure that her going would be a ONE TIME THING!!! And only do so because she honestly wants to know more about him and his interests, not because she's bored/lonely/feels left out or whatever. Having interests/hobbies/friends beyond your SO also makes you more interesting, and more attractive. Honestly, would you be attracted at first to someone who sits at home all day, has no friends or interests. You probably would never have dated them to begin with. It's quality of time together... NOT QUANTITY!!! (This is all under the assumption that they do spend some time together in other areas between the his twice a month games.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluejay Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 We do spend some time together. As far as my own fun, two of my best friends moved out of state and alot of my other friends have young children and unfortunately can't do things that often on the weekend. I really would like to meet some new people that I know he likes also. Is that a crime? I also have a teenage daughter who I need to be home for on most of the weekend nights he goes out. I also believe it crosses the line when this hobby includes other women and couples and drinking and partying. It would have been nice just to be included once and awhile or for him to start another game at our house once a month or start one with just the guys. I made all these suggestions. He does other things with his friends and I do too. When he was playing cards every weekend I was bedridden having had spinal surgery and it became very lonely. It is the lack of caring that really bothers me when it comes down to it. When you really enjoy a hobby, you should want to invite your spouse to see what it is like and to meet the people you have become friends with. I would love for anyone to suggest how to meet new people. I know alot of peopleand I have many friends but they are older or younger or have better freinds. I have taken classes in things I like but it isn't as easy as you say to find a true friend that you click with. I play bunko once a month on a weekday with a bunch of women but they are pretty boring. And anyone know how I can learn Texas Hold em (esp. rules)-are there any places where they have beginner games? Are we allowed to say what area we live in on this site? Thanks everyone for your concern and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 I don't know; somehow I'm aware that a lot of couples don't share some activities and find it perfectly normal; but I cannot imagine this situation with my husband. We do absolutely everything together. So yeah, I completely understand your frustration. But hey! If you think you might enjoy the card games; why not tell him so? Maybe he'd love it; maybe he just doesn't know you'd like to join? Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Are we allowed to say what area we live in on this site? Sure! look at my profile, I'm in Tard Land, North Carolina. Anyway, I guess you posted your last message while I was typing mine, so I didn't get to read that before I answered. I guess you need to talk about this to your husband. Communication is soooo important! Now, about finding friends .... oyyy I know what you mean! I haven't spotted any "friend-material" in my area yet. They're either retarded or well, retarded. Why did we even move here? **sigh** Anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 You said you talked to him before about this, right? What did he say as far as why he didn't want you to go? Was it because he didn't think you'd like it? or that he just wanted the space? You hit a sore spot with me when you said he was gone every weekend after you had spinal surgery. OUCH!!!! On the one hand I can understand a guy needing to get out of the house, but that sounds rather.... excessive. Guess it bothers me cause I broke my back almost 2 years ago, (almost needed surgery) and I remember how much pain I was in, and how worthless and incapable I felt. I couldn't even clip my stupid toenails by myself for like 3 months!! Almost sounds like something else is going on. (I'm not saying an affair) How is the rest of your marriage? You said you do stuff together? Has he always been this way? Independent, to be pc. How's your sex life? (Hate to be crude, but guys distance themselves if this drops off.) If you've noticed other areas of your marriage may not be up to par, then maybe (RecordProducer-you reading this?) I'd have to agree with RP about this. Then he's simply using it as an "escape" mechanisim from the marriage. You said "some time" spent together. What would you consider that to be? 50% of your time? 25%? (Does he work a regular job? 40hrs/wk?) If you live near me, I'd be happy to hang out with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluejay Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 Yes we have talked this out over and over. He says there is no space in the game and then at dinner with family I overhear him talking about a sub that came into the game a couple weeks ago. We have a great sex life and we do lots of things together when we can..we both work full time. He just doesn't get it. It is not like biking or playing golf, it is late night partying and socializing with a bunch of people. Just think about it, if your SO was biking or playing golf with whomever, wouldn't you at some point know who they were? It seems strange to me that it is so separate and that is more of my worry. I didn't ever want to stop him from doing it, I just wanted to be included once and awhile. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset. It is indicative of his future behavior. We do many things together but in this instance since it has been so long it feels wierd not to know any of the 10-15 people he has now gotten to know playing cards for almost 2 years. I don't think it is asking too much to go to a game once and awhile just to see the big hype and see what he likes about it so much and if I might like it. And maybe I might meet a friend too. Oh well, enough of this. I'm from Maryland......maybe I can check out some other people's questions before my fingers get too tired. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Sure! look at my profile, I'm in Tard Land, North Carolina. Anyway, I guess you posted your last message while I was typing mine, so I didn't get to read that before I answered. I guess you need to talk about this to your husband. Communication is soooo important! Now, about finding friends .... oyyy I know what you mean! I haven't spotted any "friend-material" in my area yet. They're either retarded or well, retarded. Why did we even move here? **sigh** Anyway You made me laugh Gliiter! We're not ALL retarded here in Tar Land! What part of NC are you in? YOu don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable but I'm in Western NC in the mountains. Anyway, I'm not from here originally! Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Oh, I'm sure there are nice people in NC. Somewhere. Mind you, I think the area's beautiful, but I think you have to be born here to make friends easily. Especially in this small town we live in. I'm friendly and open and all, but we just don't share the same background and interests. I have a better connection with my dog than anyone I've met so far. It sucks, I'm having to drag my husband to the Mall when I want to buy shoes and girly crap, which makes him feel like my main gay. I should be able to drag some loser-chick off the streets and call her my best friend, dammit!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Yes we have talked this out over and over. He says there is no space in the game and then at dinner with family I overhear him talking about a sub that came into the game a couple weeks ago. It's obvious that he wants the game to be "his" time. Still doesn't mean that you can't drop by or be invited to watch and hang out once in a while. Him not allowing you that makes me wonder if he's just into heavy flirting with a woman there. Doubt he's cheating but it's clear that he's made it "his world" not including you... We have a great sex life and we do lots of things together when we can..we both work full time. He just doesn't get it. It is not like biking or playing golf, it is late night partying and socializing with a bunch of people. Just think about it, if your SO was biking or playing golf with whomever, wouldn't you at some point know who they were? It seems strange to me that it is so separate and that is more of my worry. I didn't ever want to stop him from doing it, I just wanted to be included once and awhile. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset. It is indicative of his future behavior. Make him understand, tell him your fears and thoughts. He's the one who is being so private and standoffish about it - Which makes it worse. We do many things together but in this instance since it has been so long it feels wierd not to know any of the 10-15 people he has now gotten to know playing cards for almost 2 years. I don't think it is asking too much to go to a game once and awhile just to see the big hype and see what he likes about it so much and if I might like it. And maybe I might meet a friend too. There's nothing wrong in meeting the people he is spending alot of time with. A suggestion would be, host the game at your place, do a dinner or potluck and then that way you can meet them all. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Oh, I'm sure there are nice people in NC. Somewhere. Mind you, I think the area's beautiful, but I think you have to be born here to make friends easily. Especially in this small town we live in. I'm friendly and open and all, but we just don't share the same background and interests. I have a better connection with my dog than anyone I've met so far. It sucks, I'm having to drag my husband to the Mall when I want to buy shoes and girly crap, which makes him feel like my main gay. I should be able to drag some loser-chick off the streets and call her my best friend, dammit!! Don't be like that! You're funny and "ballsy." I think you will have no trouble finding friends if you really want to. You can still find common ground with people who don't share the same backgrounds and interests. I bet you do it all the time on LS (without even knowing it.) Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Or were you one of those people who belonged to a "clique" in high school. All the cheerleaders hung out with the cheerleaders...is that it? As an adult you can make friends with people from all backgrounds with all kinds of interests. That's so much more interesting than high school, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Oh, not at all. I was raised in Europe, so we don't have all that cheerleading stuff. I wasn't much of a clique girl. It's just, hmmfff, I don't know Sometimes I don't even understand their accent and then I missunderstand words oh my, what a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
TheDiva Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Oh, not at all. I was raised in Europe, so we don't have all that cheerleading stuff. I wasn't much of a clique girl. It's just, hmmfff, I don't know Sometimes I don't even understand their accent and then I missunderstand words oh my, what a mess. Depending on where you live, I might be able to translate for you. Hey I bet I could write an entire book of translations! Then again prehaps it goes both ways, and your accent is hard for 'tar-ds' to understand. Hot Coco:eek: Do I know you? To Bluejay I feel for you. Is he the type of guy that has to strictly seperate his man self from him married self to feel whole? I couldn't imagine at least not getting an invite. My husband likes to play golf, and I can't stand golf (unless it's putt-putt:D ) but he will invite me to go even when its other males with or without their wives. I took him up on the offer one time cause I was bored. It was the last time! It is nice to at least be invited, and being individual does not mean he can't at least try to include you or let you meet his new friends. Maybe you can tell him the next time they need a sub you would love to be the one called. Other than that, all I can suggest is searching around for something you may be interested in trying out and doing it on those days he is out playing cards. It don't bother me that he has an interest outside of marriage, that's pretty normal, what does bother me is that he has no interest in trying to include you. That is pretty abnormal from my POV. It doesn't really sound like he has any interest in changing it either. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Hey Diva, I doubt we know each other. Why do you think we know each other? Do you live where I live? You made me laugh Glitter. When I moved here I didn't know WHAT the He!! people were saying. When I was dating H half the time I didn't know what HE was saying! Hmmm...maybe that's why we get along so well! Link to post Share on other sites
TheDiva Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Hey Diva, I doubt we know each other. Why do you think we know each other? Do you live where I live? You made me laugh Glitter. When I moved here I didn't know WHAT the He!! people were saying. When I was dating H half the time I didn't know what HE was saying! Hmmm...maybe that's why we get along so well! Yep, Western NC, up in the beautiful mountains, and to make it worse to Glitter I was born here! And I is edumacated so Im not retarded:D My marriage is reverse, H is from Chicago:love: He couldn't understand me, but since I am female I guess that would be pretty natural anyway Oh and a side note I have a huge family that mostly live in the area, so chances are you would know someone in my family. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 I wouldn't ask him to if you could go when he got ready to leave you go too!! Make him know that you are interested in getting to know these people that he has been meeting every weekend for 2 yrs .. How does he act after he comes home from there? Do you think he likes one of these women and they are having a thing or is he really going to play cards ? Has anyone ever called from this card thing to your house about the card playing ? I would be pissed if my h was doing this but i wouldn't be sitting at home i would be going shopping or somehthing..There has to be a reason he isn't letting you go and if it was me and he wouldn't let me go i would follow him and make sure he is doing what he says he is!!Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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