do I bring up the past mistakes, after the breakup?

[njknnknk]

Hello! My boyfriend of 3,5 years (first love for both) and I broke up a few days ago. Well he broke up because he felt I was more in love and wanted more than he was willing to give, which I think is all true. So we parted ways calmly. I would’ve worked on it but if hes unsure about his feelings there is nothing to work on really.

the problem is: beginning of the year we had a rough patch because he was texting a girl from his past, that I told him multiple times I feel uncomfortable with. It got really bad, to me crying to him telling him how bad it makes me feel and all he said was they didn’t talk much and just smalltalked and I had nothing to worry about since she even lives in another country. One night I looked at his phone because he said they’d finally stopped texting (after 2,5 months of me feeling like s***) and they did stop texting (because she did not reply). But the messages broke my heart. They didn’t text sexually at all but flirty and until the middle of the night and he encouraged that behavior talking about how much they had crushes on each other back then and how them still being in contact kind of makes them feel like creepy lovers from abroad and he told her how important she is to him anf how he would never not text her. He did tell her “not seeing each other in person I don’t think this can be anything Love related relationship, I think”. I think?! Because they can’t see each other? Not because he is in a 3 year relationship? All this while I was calling him at 1Am crying over this situation?! Or am I overreacting:/

the thing is I was so in love and not ready to lose him. I never told him I read his messages because I was scared he would use this to say I violated his privacy and he would leave me. Or because I knew saying it would mean I would have to leave him. 
Now we broke up and I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction of him believing we equally respected the relationship. Or that he thinks I don’t know so I am not hurt by it? Is that petty that I want him to know how much he hurt me back then? He already knows I was hurting but he doesn’t know I know what he texted her….

is this a kind of “take the high road” situation or is it legitimate that I want him to know I know his mistakes?

disclaimer: this was basically the only real problem we had all these years we made so many happy memories that I’m scared I could ruin with this.

 

i hope to see some opinions on this:/

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Brokengirl said:

the problem is: beginning of the year we had a rough patch because he was texting a girl from his past, that I told him multiple times I feel uncomfortable with. It got really bad, to me crying to him telling him how bad it makes me feel

You did the right thing ending it if he was not respecting you, your feelings or the relationship. He knows what he did. There's no need to beat a dead horse or drag out a breakup. Just delete and block him from ALL you social media and messaging apps. That is enough.  Shutting someone out is better than educating him on how to be a decent BF.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ask yourself this: what do you expect him to do if you reveal that you know what he wrote her? 

His response is unlikely to bring you any sense of satisfaction or closure. Yeah, he might feel bad for a little while but then he will feel fine again. Where does that leave you? 

35 minutes ago, Brokengirl said:

I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction of him believing we equally respected the relationship

He knows he didn't, OP. He knows what he was saying to her. He knows it was disrespectful to you and and your relationship. 

I don't think it serves much purpose to clue him in that you know, too. It will probably only reopen those wounds for you, so I don't think it's  in your best interest even though it might give you some fleeting satisfaction. 

[Acacia98]

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't tell him. To me, the fact that I knew would be enough. My knowing would be a positive thing in the sense that it would allow me to move on without feeling any guilt or regrets (that maybe I was being unfair to him). And it would prevent me from even considering reconciling with him down the road.

Edited October 7, 2022 by Acacia98

[glows]

I suppose you’d like to see him squirm. I don’t blame you but rethink this as every ounce of energy you continue to spend on this person is energy you’re not spending on yourself. I suggest a good meal and wine. If you don’t drink, have a decadent dessert. Run a bath, go riding, plan a road trip this weekend. Just reset your thinking here as it’s wasted energy on a deadend. 

[njknnknk]

Thank you guys for your quick responses! What you say makes sense and is true, it won't do anything for me to throw this in his face. I was afraid, that he could think he wasn't physically cheating so it wasn't a big deal but he's not that dumb and him hiding it shows he knew how wrong it was. It would probably hurt me more than him, since there´s no right reaction that could make it better. Deep down i kind of knew that, but hearing it from you guys really helped. Thank you!!

 

[glows]

12 hours ago, njknnknk said:

Thank you guys for your quick responses! What you say makes sense and is true, it won't do anything for me to throw this in his face. I was afraid, that he could think he wasn't physically cheating so it wasn't a big deal but he's not that dumb and him hiding it shows he knew how wrong it was. It would probably hurt me more than him, since there´s no right reaction that could make it better. Deep down i kind of knew that, but hearing it from you guys really helped. Thank you!!

 

Yes, I agree. It’s onwards and upwards from here.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, njknnknk said:

 it won't do anything for me to throw this in his face.

Exactly. Why teach him relationship manners and common sense? If he lacks these let him keep stumbling like those less intelligent mice that can't make it through the maze and make the same mistakes over and over.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

I'm sorry for what you went through.   And yep, the breakup was the right thing to do.  This guy was no longer feeling the relationship but instead of doing the right thing and breaking it off, he thought he could test the waters with someone else first, and cover his bases, while still with you.   He took advantage of your trust in him.   If you two hadn't broken up now, you would have later.  If it wasn't this girl, it would have been someone else. 

I understand why you would want to let him know, that you know about the messages, but ask yourself this..what would it achieve?  Would you want to go back into a relationship with someone who isn't committed?  He might turn the whole situation around on you and say you violated his privacy, just like you suspect.  In the end, I don't see you getting any satisfaction from it.

I'm in agreement with @Wiseman2 in why teach this guy anything else?  Let him stumble around and learn the hard way.  

You just focus on healing yourself and recovering from this.  You need you right now.

- Beach

[ShyViolet]

As others have already said, what would contacting him accomplish?  If you tell him you saw those texts and that you knew he was emotionally unfaithful, would he care about what you have to say?  I suspect that he would not.  He already knows that he was not into this relationship anymore.  You're already broken up, and it wouldn't change anything.

The best gift you can give yourself is going no-contact with him, and keeping it that way.  Leave him in the past and move forward.