I am ready to meet people

[Summer2024]

Hi! I have been separated for 10 months, my divorce will take time (not sure How long, but it is a bit complex- I don’t want to get into details or that part) but I am in my early 40s and ready to meet people. Is it wrong? I can’t say I want a long term relationship but I am longing for someone to talk to (other than my girlfriends) someone to be a bit flirtatious with. Nothing else. Maybe drinks or coffee or a quick dinner (not even a romantic dinner). I have been married for almost 20 years and it feels lonely. I miss coming home to someone or having plans with someone.

is it wrong to start meeting men? I am only interested in conversation, nothing physical yet. But I am on the fence wether or not I should wait to be divorce or not? It has been long 10 months. Any advice? 

[basil67]

I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as you're transparent about a) being separated and b) wanting companionship rather than love, romance or sex.   

That said, if you're not interested in romance or sex, why focus on men?  To be honest, I'm not too sure how many men would be up for "just friends" if they are actively dating.  Women could just as easily deliver good conversations and meetups without the complications of someone getting feelings.  

Edited October 8, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

Also my thought, I don’t know many men who would be content to hang out with you if there was little hope that it may progress to something more sexy…

[Ami1uwant]

As a guy who you could date…..

 

if I’m looking for relationships, why meet you?  As you say your divorce is complicated with no apparent light at the end of the tunnel.  On top of that you want the benefits of a relationship without the sex.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

 I am longing for someone to talk to (other than my girlfriends) someone to be a bit flirtatious with. Nothing else. Maybe drinks or coffee or a quick dinner (not even a romantic dinner).

You could get a profile and pics on some dating apps, but if you just want friends (as in "nothing physical"), it's going to be difficult.

Keep in mind dating apps are for dating. And that means people generally wish for physical chemistry, not just flirting and platonic dates.

Perhaps join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get a side hussle, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. You'll have to get comfortable with being single. 

You can mix it up with plenty of men socially particularly since you're confused about what dating is.

[glows]

7 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

is it wrong to start meeting men? I am only interested in conversation, nothing physical yet. But I am on the fence wether or not I should wait to be divorce or not? It has been long 10 months. Any advice? 

You could try. Although I do see some jumping the gun here as how do you know exactly you won’t want to have sex with someone you meet? The reason I say this is because I’ve been in your shoes while separated and surprising how easy and natural it was not being with someone who wasn’t my spouse before formally divorcing. You may see that person for who he is if you’re seeing someone and the time may be right. Why place restrictions? 

See how it goes and be mindful that these are people too just like you. You may find it’s the right time and if it’s not that’s fine too. You seem quite cautious and it’s a good trait to have.

[smackie9]

Just start going out on dates and take it from there. My friend is going through the same thing, her divorce is not final yet because it is complex as well. She has been on some dates, had a few fun evenings out even tho there were no second dates. So far she's not dating anyone, but is taking her time.

Edited October 8, 2022 by smackie9

[Weezy1973]

If you’re not ready for anything physical, then you’re not ready to date. You also shouldn’t be dating to “cure” loneliness. Lean on your girlfriends and family to keep yourself connected.

[Mike B.]

After 20 years of marriage and not being divorced and only 10 months of separation, I think you are highly unlikely to really be ready to date even with the terms you are looking to have set up. A bunch of subconscious behavior related to your marriage is still going to flood into any potential connection. You may find it more frustrating than what it is worth considering what you are looking to have. 

Lets face it, the "conversation" you are looking for is going to be a lot of marital conflict stuff you are going to be dumping onto your new found friend. You will be asking him to listen to all you have to say about your husband but the new guy can't be physical with you or treat you like his girlfriend. 

Things such as intense situations with disagreements and you blurting out your husband names instead of the new guy is not unusual.  Also getting into heated confrontations as if you have been married to the new guy for 20 years. All of this stuff comes out in fresh wounds without you intending for them to do so. No way can 20 years of programming from a marriage would not bleed into something after only 10 months of being apart from your husband. Maybe you want to wait, at least, until the divorce is finalized. 

Of course, the marriage was really long and the dating scene has changed a bit since your last outing. You really want to be ready mentally... and physically. 

 

Edited October 8, 2022 by Mike B.

[Alpacalia]

Everyone's timeline is different. 

In the aftermath of my engagement, I opted not to dabble in dating and instead focused on my work and enjoying my friends' company. 3-4 years later, I met someone when I wasn't looking, and we started dating.

Timelines vary from person to person.

My advice would be to let people know you're in the process of a divorce and keep it to the odd date here and there. Focus on rebuilding your life. Fill your life with enriching activities.

Good-luck little lady!

[ShyViolet]

Of course it's not wrong, as long as you are 100% honest with people about your situation and what you are looking for.  You need to be open about the fact that you're not divorced yet, and about what you are looking for (and not looking for).