babybrowns Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 (edited) Hello all, I recently matched with a new man online, who lives in another town which I’m moving to in a few months (he knows this). I’m in my early 30s, he’s in his mid 30s. He has said he’s at the time in his life when he feels ‘ready to meet someone’. I am visiting the town next week (not just to see him) and he wants us to meet up when I’m there. He has been texting me daily since we matched, but something feels a little off and that is a lack of ‘chemistry’ in the texting. We also don’t seem to have a similar sense of humour. I wanted to do a phone call with him. He agreed, but we spoke for just 10 minutes because we were interrupted by his friend calling on the other line (his phone started vibrating while we were speaking. He ignored it the first time but then had to pick up the second time). In the texting, I have tried initiating some flirting but he doesn’t flirt back. At one point I thought it best to just cancel the upcoming date and wished him well, also unmatching him on the dating site so he could no longer see my profile. But he didn’t like the idea, insisted he *is* interested and expressed a wish to please still meet me. It made me change my mind, so our first date is ‘on’ again. What I am wondering is this: although I’m getting indifferent vibes from him, should I just wait till after we meet in person to draw more solid conclusions about this? At the same time, I don’t want to get involved with a lukewarm person- but he currently knows little about me since he doesn’t even have access to my dating profile anymore, so should I first let us meet up in any case. Thanks in advance for your input 💐 Edited October 8, 2022 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 13 minutes ago, babybrowns said: lives in another town which I’m moving to in a few months I am visiting the town next week Keep in mind that distance is an obstacle and he's going to date locally and not wait around "a few months". Texting is not dating. However if you are going to be around anyway why not grab a coffee? It is not going to go anywhere anyway so maybe you'll make a friend. Why aren't you dating locally? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 Maybe you’re too full on for never having even met yet. I’m referring to the texting. Meet with him anyway if you like when you’re in town. Trust takes time to build and not everyone flirts right off the bat. He sounds quite respectable actually from the little you’ve mentioned. It’s a bit awkward to be discussing this(below). Avoid this and go with the flow next week. I think you’re putting too much pressure on this being what you want it to be. Think of it as a brief meeting and he’s a stranger as this is exactly what it is. You both owe one another nothing except showing up on time and being cordial or polite. Everything else TBD. Quote At one point I thought it best to just cancel the upcoming date and wished him well, also unmatching him on the dating site so he could no longer see my profile. But he didn’t like the idea, insisted he *is* interested and expressed a wish to please still meet me. It made me change my mind, so our first date is ‘on’ again 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 Yes avoid textationships at all costs. Most will lose interest in that and distance anyway. You can't judge someone you've never even met by how they text. Maybe they simply text on the toilet a lot, many people admit to that now? So until it's local and in person, it's nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: At one point I thought it best to just cancel the upcoming date and wished him well, also unmatching him on the dating site so he could no longer see my profile. But he didn’t like the idea, insisted he *is* interested and expressed a wish to please still meet me. It made me change my mind, so our first date is ‘on’ again. This is self-sabotaging behavior. Go on a date or don't, but stop making virtual strangers declare their devotion to you before they've even met you! Whatever enthusiasm he had for you initially is now dampened by the knowledge that 1) your expectations are way too high and 2) you are the type of woman who will engage in this sort of behavior when she doesn't get her way/the response she wants BB, put yourself in the other person's shoes for just a minute. If a man canceled his date with you and unmatched you, would you then reassure him of your interest? If you did and he agreed to go on the date as originally planned, would you be more or less enthusiastic than you had been at the outset? Would your guard be up, wondering if he was going to cancel and unmatch again? You haven't even met this man yet and you are already wondering about his level of interest. It's a first meeting, that's all. An emotionally healthy person would say one of two things: Option 1 - I'll be in his town, he seems somewhat interesting, I'll meet him for a coffee/drink/whatever and see how it goes Option 2 - I don't think I'm feeling it; I'm going to pass on this one. A first meet shouldn't be fraught and definitely shouldn't include s***-tests. 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 (edited) Texting is not dating. Why are you trying to flirt and assessing the chemistry you have with a man that you have never met - while texting?? Meet the guy for a drink if you like - give him a chance! ETA, I do believe there are some people that you match with who you know instantly - this is not the one. I’ve been there, there were guys I spoke with prior to meeting that I decided not to meet. But as Introverted said, they don’t need the sh$t test for you to decide you are just not interested in meeting the man. There is nothing saying that you are obligated to meet the man. If you don’t think he’s the one, just politely decline and move on with your life. Edited October 8, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 4 hours ago, babybrowns said: should I just wait till after we meet in person to draw more solid conclusions about this? Yes. Absolutely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 good lord you haven't even met yet. Go on the date and see for yourself if this is worth pursuing. When I first met my husband, it was very brief and I didn't think much of him. Months, maybe a year later I met him again. Been together for over 32 years. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 Try to think of it as meeting someone for coffee who lives where you are eventually moving to rather than 'a date' or romantic situation. There's no point getting all worked up about someone's texting habits who you have never met and who is a poor prospect anyway because of distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 Just meet him and see how it goes. He might not be serious until you have moved locally Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, babybrowns said: At one point I thought it best to just cancel the upcoming date and wished him well, also unmatching him on the dating site so he could no longer see my profile. But he didn’t like the idea, insisted he *is* interested and expressed a wish to please still meet me. BB, it appears some context is missing here^. You felt no chemistry, no click, no interest when messaging which is fine. I often felt the same when I on-line dated. A few messages back and forth, I felt zero interest, so it was next. Block, delete. My question to you is how did HE know of your lack of interest? And what prompted HIS response telling you HE was interested and practically begging to meet? I hope you didn't accuse him of not being interested enough or anything else which it sounds like you did. BB when you talk or messsge with men on line and you find yourself not interested, for any reason, in fact you don't even need a reason, simply block, next. Lord, if I had to explain to every guy I messaged with a few times why I had no interest, I would have had no time to talk to the men I DID like! Not to mention, having to deal with them attempting to convince me to meet like this guy did with you. Total waste of time and energy BB, just block and move on to next. You do not owe these men an explanation why you're not interested after exchanging a few messages. I doubt they care all that much anyway, you only exchanged a few messages after all. My advice is lighten up a bit, you sound quite intense. Overthinking, over-analyzing, it's not necessary Try to relax more and have fun with it! Not sure if you know this, but I met my husband online. Before we met in person, I must have chatted briefly with around 50 men, none of them piqued my interest enough to meet and I nexted. Didn't say a word, just dropped off. Which is fine, it's expected. They do it too with women they're not interested in. That's on line. My advice is given how you feel or rather don't feel (good vibes or interest), pass on the date. Only meet men you feel good and positive about, otherwise you will bring your negative energy to the meet, almost guaranteeing its failure. . Edited October 8, 2022 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 The way he is in person could differ from when texting. When we speak via text, a friend of mine is very chatty, but in person, she's quite different. Besides, you're in the middle of moving, so think of it as a fun night out. Check out how you get along in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 12 hours ago, babybrowns said: At one point I thought it best to just cancel the upcoming date and wished him well, also unmatching him on the dating site so he could no longer see my profile. But he didn’t like the idea, insisted he *is* interested and expressed a wish to please still meet me. It made me change my mind, so our first date is ‘on’ again. When is the date? I won't be so negative this time and wish you good luck, I hope it works out. Try and erase the bad vibes you felt when chatting prior and go into it with a happy and positive attitude. Enjoy and let us know how it turns out! Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted October 8, 2022 Share Posted October 8, 2022 12 hours ago, babybrowns said: but something feels a little off and that is a lack of ‘chemistry’ in the texting. We also don’t seem to have a similar sense of humour Your gut instinct is likely correct and he will not be a suitable match, but as advised you should go on the date anyway. worst case scenario- it reaffirms that your gut feeling is right which will help you going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 You are way overthinking this and being so negative about it before it has even had a chance to go anywhere. You can't tell whether you have chemistry with someone until you meet them in person. Texting is a very poor way to judge whether you have chemistry with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 16 hours ago, introverted1 said: Go on a date or don't, but stop making virtual strangers declare their devotion to you before they've even met you! Op can you please read this again? This is the pattern for you. Break the pattern: stop over analyzing, over investing and sabotaging… when you haven’t even met yet. It hasn’t worked for you in the past and it won’t work for you now. When you meet someone online that you’re interested in, decide if you will go on a date or not. If not, then swipe left and move on. if you would go on a date with them, save the convos for in-person. It is pointless to build up a fantasy relationship by texting for long periods of time only to meet and have absolutely no chemistry. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 You are assigning too much importance to texting with a guy who doesn't know you. Save assessments of chemistry for in-person meetings. That is what counts most, since you would be dating someone in person and not through the phone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 It would be best to get on some quality dating apps with a new profile and fresh new pics. Try some paid apps since you are not having the results you wish with whatever you are using. Then set your searching and matching criteria better as far as distance and characteristics. . Then exchange a few messages and meet for a brief coffee or drink. Keep in mind anyone who contacts you from a distance is a red flag and it's difficult to meet on a regular basis. You seem to be wasting time on long distance and too much messaging. Make sure you're not getting into textationships and getting upset about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 I agree with everyone else, you have unrealistic expectations but the point l want to bring up is why are you online searching if you are moving in a few months? Can't you just take a break from online dating and go back to it once you live over there? Let's say you click with this man so what's next? The second date is in a few months? You'll expect him to put his profile on hold after one date? You'll expect to change him from a bad texter to a good one? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 9, 2022 Share Posted October 9, 2022 I was wondering the exact same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2022 Share Posted October 10, 2022 "Chemistry in texting" almost seems like an oxymoron. How can you have "chemistry" looking at words on a phone? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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