Disappointing Date

[Runnersheart]

My boyfriend and I have not been out on a date since the end of July, there are several factors why but I won’t bore you with that. He planned this date for both of us for 2 months, I arranged a sitter and we get dressed up - he won’t tell me where were going or what we were doing. When we got there and waiting to enter the theater/auditorium I was trying to get excited but felt immediately that this wasn’t something I’d be interested in. He brought me to a magic show…. I felt severely disappointed that this is what we are doing on a rare occasion we’re out alone. First of all, let’s be honest- this was all about him. This date had nothing to do with me I was just along for the ride. If you know anything about me you would know I would have liked to have been prepared to go to something like this. I’m mad at myself for having any expectations for a night I so deeply desired, the connection I crave instead of sitting in a show for 3 hours. I tried to hide my dismay and pretend to enjoy but it was difficult for me. There was a break in the show and we went for another drink and he asked me if I liked if and I said no. He said well then let’s leave and I told him this night had nothing to do with me and we left and haven’t spoken since. He’s really very upset and giving me the silent treatment. We drove 45 min home in pure silence and I know he’ll give me the silent treatment until Monday or Tuesday of this upcoming week. So again, we’re deepening the disconnection between us. We never really discuss any of our issues or problems when we get in an argument or fight and that frustrates me because I’d love to reconnect after and further our understanding of one another. He just refuses to and then avoids the topic which makes it even more difficult for me who so deeply desires resolutions. I think if I felt that he put effort in our relationship in other ways, such a bringing me coffee one morning while I’m in bed like I do for him every morning or helping clean around the house or planning an event with the kids involved or making dinner for me one night during the week when the weight of the world is on my shoulders or buying groceries one time or  buying me a small gift like flowers to show he thinks about me, and we were connected on a different level tonight would have turned out differently but because I don’t feel like there’s consistent effort and that I wasn’t thought of when planning this it makes me upset. Please tell me if I’m wrong on my actions and what I could have done better to approach him with the feelings I have. It suck’s that I feel like I can’t say what I want to say without the fear of the silent treatment for days on end as a repercussion. Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Runnersheart said:

he won’t tell me where were going or what we were doing. . He’s really very upset and giving me the silent treatment. We drove 45 min home in pure silence and I know he’ll give me the silent treatment until Monday or Tuesday of this upcoming week.  bringing me coffee one morning while I’m in bed like I do for him every morning or helping clean around the house or planning an event with the kids involved or making dinner for me one night during the week when the weight of the world is on my shoulders or buying groceries one time or  buying me a small gift like flowers

Sorry this happened. How long have you been together? Do you live together? How old is he? Do you both have children from before or together? Does he often engage in this type of passive-aggressive behavior by aiming to disappoint or pouting? It would be best to stop pampering him or cleaning up after him. Plan things you want to do. Why doesn't he buy groceries or help with household things or the children? 

[Runnersheart]

@wiseman2 - we have been together for just over 14 months do not that long. I had 2 kids prior to meeting him and he has 3 but mine are 4yo and 10yo - his are grown young adults. I do live with him and have been since 8 months into the relationship. He is 39yo and I’m 32. He does often display this type of behavior when he’s upset by anything I do, he shuts down and I think it is because he’s trying to ‘punish’ me in a way, knowing it bothers me a lot when I’m searching for resolutions and understanding. I’m not sure why he doesn’t want to contribute to the household- I think he has an old fashion mindset of gender roles but I also work and I work putting in 129 hours in just 2 weeks working 14-15 hour days. I work from home so it’s doable with my job to be on the clock and making dinner/picking up kids from school in the few breaks I’m given. It’s nice but I do pay almost half of everything and feel like I carry everyone all the time. If i don’t do it no one will and then he storms around the house yelling at everyone saying he can’t live like this and I’m not one to nag him about helping with certain things because I’ve learned that when I do he gets offended and withdrawIs. Either he’s not very self aware or it’s a tactic to prevent me from reaching out for help. I just want to feel like I’m supported emotionally and physically but it’s almost like he has no desire to give me what I need. I love him and really want this to work but I’m not sure I could do this for years on end. Thanks for advise! I appreciate it.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Runnersheart said:

we have been together for just over 14 months. I do live with him and have been since 8 months into the relationship. . If i don’t do it no one will and then he storms around the house yelling at everyone saying he can’t live like this and I’m not one to nag him about helping

Sorry this is happening. Way too much too soon. Where did you live before? He seems abusive at best and that won't get better. Talk to trusted friends and family and make arrangements to get out ASAP. You should only be focusing on yourself and your children and not subjecting them to his tantrums. He treats you like the unpaid help. So get out now.

[Runnersheart]

@Wiseman2 I lived alone as a single parent for years before I met him. Sorry if I made it appear that I’m in an abusive relationship. I don’t think my kids and I are abused. I try to prevent that by making sure everything is cleaned like I would if I lived alone like I use to. I’m sure he has a different perspective on things but this is my reality currently. Thanks for your advise, I was hoping for more encouraging solutions on how to approach him and try to reconnect. I know it’s selfish but I have deep abandonment issues so the thought of being left alone with my kids brings me to a different low. I came here because I can’t go to my family or friends. Feel like I can’t talk to anyone.

Edited October 8, 2022 by Runnersheart

[Weezy1973]

Agree with Wiseman, there was too much too soon. Sounds like you were hoping for an insta-family. It’s been way too short a time for moving in with your kids. He obviously doesn’t want to relive the younger child rearing years. Unfortunately because you’ve moved in with young kids the dating days for the most part are on pause. He’s not responsible for your abandonment issues. It seems like those issues have led to some bad choices by you and unfortunately your kids are the victim. 
 

I would also recommend moving out, and believe it or not this might actually fix the relationship. He will get his life back and will be able to relax in his own home. You won’t resent him for not doing things as if you were coparents. And if you can get childcare, you’ll be able to have a few dates here and there.

[BaileyB]

Welcome runnersheart. I’m sorry this has happened to you and I can appreciate how upsetting it would be. I’ve been on the receiving end of the silent treatment - not quite this extreme - and it hurts. 

The silent treatment is often used as a form of manipulation and it could be considered as a form of emotional abuse. It’s a terrible thing to do to a partner - there is “I’m angry and I need to cool off so I’ll take an hour or two before coming back to talk with my partner” and then there is “I’m angry and I’m going to shut you out for days…” While the first can be a healthy thing, the second is a sign of someone who has exhausted their coping skills and lacks communication and conflict resolution skills.

Unfortunately, you are wanting to resolve this situation and reconnect with a man who is not interested in talking or working with you. He has shown by his actions how he deals with this kind of conflict, and let’s be fair… he has overreacted here spectacularly. I could see my partner taking me to a magic show for a date and having a grand time - never really thinking about the fact that it’s not what I would have chosen. That said, when he sensed my disappointment he would never have stormed out of the restaurant and sulked for days…

Sadly, I feel like this is a red flag that you moved in too soon with this man who is not going to be a good partner for you. There is occasional conflict in even the best relationships and if this is how he deals with conflict - well, that’s not the way that I personally would chose to live. If this is a pattern, you have some thinking to do about whether you want to stay and expose your children to this kind of behavior. The only other option would be counselling and it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in your advice or willing to change in any way…

I’m sorry, probably not what you want to hear. Hugs to you.

Edited October 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

this is why we date...to find out what they are like and how we get along with them. You can't fix him, he is who he is, this is how he is. 14 months and this is what you have. The answer is to leave him. It would be different advice is you were married for years and this behaviour is new. There would be a chance and worth saving a marriage. As just an outsider's view there is noway I would put up with this man's behaviour (stomping around,yelling, having a tantrum) especially in front of young impressionable children. It's not fair to them to see their mother in this kind of role, in their kind of dynamic. You want to set a healthy and good impression on your kids right? I understand when we are in love we tend to lose sight in what's is truly best for ourselves, focusing on keeping the relationship. We are here to open your eyes. This guy isn't good for you or your family. I think you will find much relief when you get out of this.

Edited October 8, 2022 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

My read on this, putting everything else aside, is that he wanted to plan a nice date and he thought the magic show would be fun and something different.

It was the thought and effort that went into it, not the actual activity. 

He had good intentions and wanted to make you happy, and I'll be honest in saying personally I would have loved it! 

Not sure why you didn't or what possessed you to completely shoot him down in a very harsh way, he no doubt felt like a piece of ****.

THAT is why HE shut down and went silent, he was HURT! 

Men aim to please, pleasing their girlfriends is a huge thing for them and when you very harshly said No you didn't like it, were not enjoying it and continued to berate him for it, well, again he was hurt and went silent, and frankly I don't blame him. 

If you can't understand that, you are going to have a very difficult time being happy in any relationship.  And in turn making your boyfriend happy. 

Learn to appreciate when your boyfriend plans something nice he thinks you both would enjoy. 

Not berate him for it. 

Again, it's the thought, effort and planning, NOT the actual activity. 

If you want to save this, I suggest you apologize, thank him for his effort and you plan something fun you think you both would enjoy.

Learn from this how to become a good girlfriend, appreciative of your boyfriend's efforts. 

He.was only trying to make you happy and thought the show would be fun and different.

Jmo.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

The surprise was a terrible idea considering that things aren’t going well between the both of you. That evening was just a few hours demonstrating the entire dysfunction in your relationship.

He doesn’t help out at home enough or clean enough, appears brutish and thoughtless in his temper and manner, shuts down to “punish” you and you’ve mentioned silent treatment several times. Stonewalling or silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. He may be abusive, willful, arrogant and clueless but he does seem aware of what he’s doing. Yelling and storming around accomplishes nothing except increase tension and yet that’s what he does. You keep rewarding that behaviour by cleaning up after him and his kids. 

I don’t think this man and you are compatible to start and he’s not as communicative as you’d like. You do not have to put up with someone who shuts you out or stonewalls you. At 39 pleading ignorance or lacking this skill is leaning towards willful ignorance in most individuals. How do you expect to grow as a couple if one of you isn’t willing to learn from mistakes? 

[Noproblem]

silent treatment is not manipulation, we do it when we are hurt and don't want a big fight. Obviously you are in the wrong here, and I would do the same if I were him.

 

[poppyfields]

As in most relationships, it takes two people to make a relationship and two to break. 

We are only hearing your side OP, and while some of the issues you mention may be cause for concern, I don't think it's fair to put this all on HIM. 

In HIS eyes, your harsh and critical reaction to him planning a nice activity/date he thought you might enjoy may have been the 'horse that broke the camel's back' so to speak and he went silent. 

We don't know what prompted his silence on other occasions and I'm not accusing you of anything but again it takes two, and as such it might be wise to reflect on your behavior and reactions and how you might have contributed to the breakdown.

If HE were here posting, I would advise him to do the same. 

That said, my original opinion stands that berating him for putting forth effort to plan a fun date you both could enjoy was hurtful and only served to escalate an already unhealthy and dysfunctional situation.

Edited October 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

silent treatment is not manipulation, we do it when we are hurt and don't want a big fight.

I respectfully disagree. 

Sure, many take some distance and go silent when we are hurt or angry and wanting to avoid a big fight. Many swallow their feelings rather than talk or even fight it out.

But, going for days without talking to someone is much more than that. Days without talking, deliberately shutting someone out and giving them the cold shoulder is hurtful. Many people will do this is an attempt to get the other to apologize and do what they want - that is manipulative. It’s a terrible way to resolve conflict in a relationship. 

Edited October 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Runnersheart said:

 I don’t think my kids and I are abused. I try to prevent that by making sure everything is cleaned

Reflect on this statement. Also do not become isolated from friends because at some level you are ashamed at being treated like this. This has nothing to do with who likes comedy clubs or processing and cooling off after an argument.

This a systemic pattern of mental tyranny and abuse. You are hoping for techniques to make him not ne a brut and shut you out, but you can't really talk to someone like this. It's like loading the (emotional) gun they'll shoot you down with.

[Lotsgoingon]

 It suck’s that I feel like I can’t say what I want to say without the fear of the silent treatment for days on end as a repercussion.

Ok anytime you feel like you "can't" say something to a partner--something really important to you about the relationship--then you have given up your power, you have retreated and you are in a bad relationship. 

If someone gives us the silent treatment for speaking our truth or making our requests, that means we are in a TERRIBLE relationship. Get out of denial and get out!

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I might add: he's not the problem here unless he is violent towards you. You are the problem for staying with someone who gives you the cold treatment. You deserve better. 

Why are you putting up with his nonsense? The magic show is only the smallest, tiniest problem. The relationship is the problem. I've gone on outings to events I didn't like and if I was with a good person, we had a good time, because we had connection. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Having a boyfriend that doesn't appear to support your feelings or your relationship can easily make him come off as a jerk. 

Taking into consideration the feelings that your boyfriend has for you and approaching the specifics of the date with that eye will either lead to disappointment or to a feeling of being pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

I prefer, as a first option, to see if there is a part of the problem that you can own. My assumption would be that your feelings relate to what he did (or didn't do). And I’ll assume your feelings are less than positive. If so, consider. Do you tell him how he’s feeling… like “you don’t care about me?” While I am not assuming you share this way, however, it happens often enough that it would be worth it to ask you about it.

Concerning your boyfriend. Don't let yourself be swept up in a power struggle over ongoing treatment of silence. Manage your own emotions here. The way you respond to people is entirely in your control, not how they relate to you or how they interact with you. "Here he is with that. I won't join him in this."

The solution to the silent treatment is neither bending over and saying, "okay, I understand where you are coming from so I'll accept it". He feels displeasure with you and is unable to communicate the issue, hence you are rewarded with a wall of silence. 

Do you want to invest time and effort to breach the wall or not? 

Generally, it is better to cut-off a relationship than to ask this question.

A loose relationship rarely offers any pros and will only cause more liabilities, as most one-sided relationships do. Cut them off like a tumor. Even though it will be unpleasant, it will be worth it in the long-run.

[mark clemson]

Since July is a LONG time. I'm pretty sure I could have had at least a couple of flings between July and now had I set my mind to it. Were you at least communicating frequently during that time?

This is a slow fade or perhaps the death rattle. You're both participating in it. You're not getting your needs met and no doubt neither is he.

No silent treatment. That's for people who's bond is strong enough to handle it and they can (normally) bounce back. (Better is to not do it at all, of course, but we're all human and arguments occur.) Instead communicate a LOT more about what your needs are so that he can at least understand them and act/plan accordingly. But communicate in a diplomatic way if you do it. The state of your relationship is WAY too tenuous for further distancing (ie, via the silent treatment) or for acrimony and "demands."

Or perhaps don't bother and let this go.

Edited October 9, 2022 by mark clemson

[poppyfields]

@Runnersheart, I don't necessarily disagree with other posters, the silent treatment is typically never good.

However going back to my previous post about how it takes two people to make and two people to break a relationship, IF when you expresse(d) your feelings and concerns to him, you did so in a critical or accusatory manner as you did when expressing your dislike of the magic show, then him going silent is somewhat understandable imo.

My late mum used to say to me "it's not what you say but how you say it."

It can make the difference between resolving conflicts amicably and stonewalling and growing further apart. 

Again I am not accusing you of anything, I wasn't there and unfamiliar with your dynamic. 

This is just something for you to consider because giving him the benefit of doubt and given he's not here to tell his story, he could feel quite hurt as well if again your feelings and concerns are expressed with a critical and disapproving tone.

I would probably go silent too if my husband expressed himself that way.

If you don't but rather express yourself in an open non-accusatory and respectful manner, and he stonewalls and goes silent, then reconsider remaining in the relationship is my suggestion.

Good luck. 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

The boyfriend seems to have checked out, to put it bluntly.

Your last time together was back in July.

He isn't responding to you.

The slow fade comment is something I agree with.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

.Your last time together was back in July.He isn't responding to you.The slow fade comment is something I agree with.

They live together. He forces her to do all the domestic chores or else he goes on a rampage. Additionally, she moved herself and her children in after dating 24 weeks. In my opinion, these are red flags for an abusive relationship. It has nothing to do with comedy clubs.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, Runnersheart said:

He brought me to a magic show…. I felt severely disappointed that this is what we are doing on a rare occasion we’re out alone. First of all, let’s be honest- this was all about him. This date had nothing to do with me I was just along for the ride.

Why do you say that? What is the problem with going to a magic show?

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

They live together. He forces her to do all the domestic chores or else he goes on a rampage. Additionally, she moved herself and her children in after dating 24 weeks. In my opinion, these are red flags for an abusive relationship. It has nothing to do with comedy clubs.

Thank you for the additional information.

I've just read her subsequent posts. 

The first post in her opening thread was the one I was responding to.

It does sound like you're essentially a live-in maid for your boyfriend. My initial comment regarding the silent treatment and one-sided relationship was that there is more benefit in ending such a relationship. Emotionally or otherwise, he does not support you.

[Gaeta]

OP: Face it, you are unhappy. That is why you were upset at the magic show. Because every day in this relationship is a struggle you were  hoping this date would compensate for his lack of investment in this relationship. If you felt loved and appreciated the magic show would still suck but it would only be a funny story to tell friends, not like a knif through your heart.

Being unhappy in a 14 month relationship is a huge red flag. It's time for you to exit this. You will be fine on your own, you were on your own before and you were doing just fine. Do you know there are good men out there? Men that will love you and love and respect your children as their own. To meet someone like that you need to get rid of this mediocre man that offers you a mediocre relationnship. 

Edited October 9, 2022 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If you felt loved and appreciated the magic show would still suck but it would only be a funny story to tell friends, not like a knife through your heart.

Yes, there were a lot of expectations for this date. It’s not really about the magic show - it’s about the relationship, feeling appreciated, communication, respect.