Disappointing Date

[poppyfields]

On 10/8/2022 at 6:38 AM, Runnersheart said:

He does often display this type of behavior when he’s upset by anything I do, he shuts down and I think it is because he’s trying to ‘punish’ me in a way, knowing it bothers me a lot when I’m searching for resolutions and understanding.

Not accusing you of anything because I'm not there when you try to discuss such issues but again it's not what you say but how you say it. 

Many men recoil when they feel judged and criticized harshly, just something to consider.

On 10/8/2022 at 6:38 AM, Runnersheart said:

It’s almost like he has no desire to give me what I need. 

I'm sure it feels that way.  And it's possible he's a selfish brute who cares only for himself. 

However you posted you came here seeking answers on how better you can communicate and get your needs met and here's my advice which is very simple and something I am learning in my own new marriage. 

Be kind.  Be thoughtful when expressing things that trouble you.  It makes a world of difference I promise you. 

Pick your battles and try to lower expectations. Try to see and understand things from HIS perspective.

Encourage calm open communication.

If he still rages around and/or goes silent then leave the relationship.

But if the love is there, then try  a different approach from what you've been doing because that is obviously not working. 

Again it takes TWO.

I'm not sure why but the way he asked you during the magic show if you liked it and were enjoying had a huge impact on me while reading. 

It said to me he's "trying."  His intention was doing something nice for you, for the both of you..  You could take a time out from the daily grind, relax and laugh together. 

It's been said laughter is the best medicine and I agree. 

But you criticized and shot him down.  After which HE shut down. I'll be honest, my own heart dropped when reading that.  I truly felt for him, he was trying to do something nice you both could enjoy together as a couple.

It's sometimes difficult giving advice on these forums because we are only hearing one side. 

To successfully resolve issues one needs to understand both sides. That's why I won't advise you to straight out dump him.  Because I have not heard his side of things.

But anyway, try a different approach in your communication style and see how that goes. 

If he's still a bully, rages and stonewalls, then walk away. 

I dunno OP, since getting married a few months ago, I am learning so much about "commitment" and what it means.  I had difficulty understanding it for most of my adult life until now.

Appreciating the good things your partner brings to the table versus focusing on the bad and not taking responsibility for your role. 

I'm not suggesting you remain with an abusive man but you posted very clearly he is NOT that. 

Again just something to consider assuming you want to work it out. 

HE should reflect on his behavior too, it's not all on you. 

It takes two.

Would love to hear back from you about what you think about all our responses, if you're inclined. 

In any event, I wish you luck and all the best. 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

OP: Face it, you are unhappy. That is why you were upset at the magic show. Because every day in this relationship is a struggle you were  hoping this date would compensate for his lack of investment in this relationship. If you felt loved and appreciated the magic show would still suck but it would only be a funny story to tell friends, not like a knife through your heart.

I agree. This is much more about the relationship, less to do with a single event. 

OP:

It’s a pervasive lack of respect overall in the relationship. He can just as calmly tell you that he doesn’t agree with you and he enjoyed the evening or ask you what you’d rather do. Avoid escalating issues if he’s yelling and out of control with his temper or moods. This is utterly disdainful for an adult.  

[introverted1]

On 10/8/2022 at 8:55 AM, Runnersheart said:

he asked me if I liked if and I said no. He said well then let’s leave and I told him this night had nothing to do with me and we left and haven’t spoken since.

Is there a back story about magic shows you haven't shared?  Why was him arranging to take you to a magic show such a terrible idea?  what about it made you say the night "had nothing to do with me"?  Personally, if I had arranged for a special night with my SO and he responded as you did, I'd have been hurt and angry.

Beyond this, moving in together after just 8 months, especially when you have young kids and he doesn't, was a lot to deal with for everyone involved, including your kids.  I'd argue that moving in together after 8 months is in itself fairly quick but when you throw a 3yo and 10yo into the mix -- kids too young to be left home alone and still requiring a significant amount of hands-on parenting -- it's really fast.  What agreements did you and your bf discuss before you moved in?  What was your agreement around financials, child care, cooking, cleaning, etc., and how has the reality lived up to (or not) those agreements? 

Your kids are young and need to be your #1 priority.  If home life isn't good, maybe it's time to leave.  Kids need stability and love. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s a pervasive lack of respect overall in the relationship. He can just as calmly tell you that he doesn’t agree with you and he enjoyed the evening or ask you what you’d rather do.

Or, he could say - ok, next time it’s your choice what we do for date night. There were other ways to resolve this without the silent treatment. 
 

Unfortunately, you had expectations that were not met and that felt like a knife in the heart because you have been struggling to feel loved and appreciated in this relationship. Very likely, he felt your disappointment and that clearly touched a nerve for him too - and he handled it very, very badly…

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Why was him arranging to take you to a magic show such a terrible idea?  what about it made you say the night "had nothing to do with me"?  Personally, if I had arranged for a special night with my SO and he responded as you did, I'd have been hurt and angry.

Yes, this^ has been my point all along. 

@Runnersheartif this is your typical communication style, then it's no surprise why HE responds the way he does (anger or going silent), no matter how dysfunctional it may seem to you.

Not to beat a dead horse, but again it takes TWO people to make it and two people to break it. 

For every action, there is a reaction, and then your partner's reaction, lather rinse repeat. 

Negativity can quickly escalate to toxicity if not caught and resolved early. 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Hi Runnersheart.

Who suggested moving in, him or you?

Is there a reason that you moved in with him so soon?

It's unclear if your boyfriend always handles conflict in this way, or if he has simply become mentally drained and detached from you.

The "magic show" may have been his last veiled attempt to make things right, with your dissatisfaction being the deciding factor.

A person who tries to impress someone often remembers things their partner likes. "Magic show" isn't something you'd enjoy. Doing the opposite date-wise conveys the idea of 'out of sight, out of mind'. It’s a letdown, especially after lots of time together. If he planned a date and took care of all the details, it would be so incredible. Your heart will feel so full of love and you will feel so special. Which is what he did. Albeit, your dislike of magic shows.

The signs of an emotional check-out can be hard to notice because your boyfriend can be right in front of you, but his heart is not in it.

It also seems that there is little indication that he is interested in having more children to raise. Now that his children are a bit older, he is in a situation where he needs to resume being hubby hubs again and an active caregiver to children again.

He's not emotionally and mentally present, so you've already lost the most meaningful parts of him. 

Now you're stuck in a poor position and are mistreated.

You need to let go.

I also agree with the suggestion to move out.

[Goodguy05]

On 10/8/2022 at 10:55 PM, Runnersheart said:

My boyfriend and I have not been out on a date since the end of July, there are several factors why but I won’t bore you with that. He planned this date for both of us for 2 months, I arranged a sitter and we get dressed up - he won’t tell me where were going or what we were doing. When we got there and waiting to enter the theater/auditorium I was trying to get excited but felt immediately that this wasn’t something I’d be interested in. He brought me to a magic show…. I felt severely disappointed that this is what we are doing on a rare occasion we’re out alone. First of all, let’s be honest- this was all about him. This date had nothing to do with me I was just along for the ride. If you know anything about me you would know I would have liked to have been prepared to go to something like this. I’m mad at myself for having any expectations for a night I so deeply desired, the connection I crave instead of sitting in a show for 3 hours. I tried to hide my dismay and pretend to enjoy but it was difficult for me. There was a break in the show and we went for another drink and he asked me if I liked if and I said no. He said well then let’s leave and I told him this night had nothing to do with me and we left and haven’t spoken since. He’s really very upset and giving me the silent treatment. We drove 45 min home in pure silence and I know he’ll give me the silent treatment until Monday or Tuesday of this upcoming week. So again, we’re deepening the disconnection between us. We never really discuss any of our issues or problems when we get in an argument or fight and that frustrates me because I’d love to reconnect after and further our understanding of one another. He just refuses to and then avoids the topic which makes it even more difficult for me who so deeply desires resolutions. I think if I felt that he put effort in our relationship in other ways, such a bringing me coffee one morning while I’m in bed like I do for him every morning or helping clean around the house or planning an event with the kids involved or making dinner for me one night during the week when the weight of the world is on my shoulders or buying groceries one time or  buying me a small gift like flowers to show he thinks about me, and we were connected on a different level tonight would have turned out differently but because I don’t feel like there’s consistent effort and that I wasn’t thought of when planning this it makes me upset. Please tell me if I’m wrong on my actions and what I could have done better to approach him with the feelings I have. It suck’s that I feel like I can’t say what I want to say without the fear of the silent treatment for days on end as a repercussion. Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading. 

Looks like you two have different love languages and needs. He is probably feeling a lack of appreciation for his efforts, taking you to a magic show and you on the other hand and feeling let down with the date and expecting something different. There's definitely a lack of communication there about your needs and what you would like him to do. You've communicated here to us. Think it would be better to communicate it to him. However, not a good sign If you guys can't discuss these things. He's probably holding back cos he's upset you didn't appreciate his efforts. When you both feel you being wronged and the other person's more wrong than the other that's probably the reason why the communication has broke down. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by Goodguy05

[smackie9]

On 10/8/2022 at 10:19 AM, Noproblem said:

silent treatment is not manipulation, we do it when we are hurt and don't want a big fight. Obviously you are in the wrong here, and I would do the same if I were him.

 

The silent treatment is called stonewalling.https://www.verywellmind.com/coping-when-your-spouse-shuts-down-4097175#:~:text=Stonewalling%20involves%20refusing%20to%20communicate,and%20harmful%20to%20the%20relationship.

It's ok to give yourself about 20 mins to an hour to recoup your thoughts, let things calm down, then come back to discuss. But totally shutting down as a habit will destroy a relationship. Communication and expressing ones feelings is key. 

Edited October 17, 2022 by smackie9

[Lisa]

@Runnersheart the thread has been closed as it's been continuing without you.  Please flag this post when you return and we'll open it back up