Is there something wrong with apologizing via voicemail?

[PinkIceCream]

I was seeing this guy for about a month I matched with him via FB dating in July. We talked for a while and we met up for the first time in August and went out to eat. After that I was going to his house on a weekly basis for a month. We cuddled, watched movies, cooked together, etc. While I was at his place he told me that he was really busy with work and that he didn't have time for anything. But he still let me come see him so a couple of weeks ago was the last time I saw him.

And then he texted me saying that he thought he wanted to date but that he realized he didn't want to. And that he's really preoccupied with work and doesn't have time for anyone. I went off on him via text calling him a liar and I was saying a lot of things I shouldn't have said. I want to apologize to him via voicemail for the way that I acted also some of my stuff is still at his place.

[S2B]

He wasn’t dating you to begin with. Dating isn’t going over to someone’s house - dating is someone making effort to plan a date and take you OUT.

now he doesn’t even want to make effort to have you come over. 

do not apologize. Do not try and get your stuff. Just start requiring a man you are really interested in to take you out on a real date. He’s not that guy.

Edited October 9, 2022 by S2B

[ExpatInItaly]

What's at his house that you need back? 

[PinkIceCream]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

He wasn’t dating you to begin with. Dating isn’t going over to someone’s house - dating is someone making effort to plan a date and take you OUT.

now he doesn’t even want to make effort to have you come over. 

do not apologize. Do not try and get your stuff. Just start requiring a man you are really interested in to take you out on a real date. He’s not that guy.

I didn't have an issue with going to his place I felt really comfortable being there and he said he liked my company. He said he was trying to save money for things so I didn't have a problem with it.

[PinkIceCream]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What's at his house that you need back? 

It's some s*x stuff. 

[smackie9]

He, in an indirect way, told you it's over. Just ask him to leave your stuff outside his door and you will pick it up. If he doesn't respond he probably tossed it all out already.

Edited October 9, 2022 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, PinkIceCream said:

It's some s*x stuff. 

In that case, I would just replace it myself. 

It doesn't sound like it's anything of sentimental value. 

[PinkIceCream]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In that case, I would just replace it myself. 

It doesn't sound like it's anything of sentimental value. 

Was I wrong for going off on him? I think maybe I overreacted because he could actually be telling the truth. 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

 he texted me saying that he thought he wanted to date but that he realized he didn't want to. And that he's really preoccupied with work and doesn't have time for anyone. I went off on him via text calling him a liar and I was saying a lot of things I shouldn't have said. I want to apologize to him via voicemail for the way that I acted also some of my stuff is still at his place.

Simply state you're sorry (and ask him when you can collect your things. Better yet get new clean things). Next time someone is "too busy" to date, end it there and then and take your things with you. There's no need to accuse anyone who is truthful about not wanting a relationship of being a liar. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

Was I wrong for going off on him? I think maybe I overreacted because he could actually be telling the truth. 

I think you over-reacted, yes. 

But what's done is done. I wouldn't stress about apologizing, since it probably doesn't bother him that much. 

[PinkIceCream]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Simply state you're sorry (and ask him when you can collect your things. Better yet get new clean things). Next time someone is "too busy" to date, end it there and then and take your things with you. There's no need to accuse anyone who is truthful about not wanting a relationship of being a liar. 

When I was leaving I told him I was going to leave my things there and he said ok. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, PinkIceCream said:

While I was at his place he told me that he was really busy with work and that he didn't have time for anything. But he still let me come see him so a couple of weeks ago was the last time I saw him.

How gracious of him allowing you to come see him, for sex no doubt since admittedly you left sex stuff there.  Ugh. 

This sounds like a FWB or FB situation, was this okay with you?

I'm curious what he lied to you about and why you went off on him?

From what you posted he sounds like a straight shooter telling you from the beginning he had no time for "anything." (i.e dating).

I would not do anything, just let the whole thing go.  No voice mail apologies or anything else. 

As far as your sex stuff, lesson learned to never leave items at a man's house unless you're in an exclusive relationship with him, jmo on that. 

Im sorry it didn't work out.

 

 

Edited October 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

Was I wrong for going off on him? I think maybe I overreacted because he could actually be telling the truth. 

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the truth or not. He doesn’t actually need to give you a reason - he is no longer invested in the relationship and when he communicated that it was your cue to walk away graciously. Next time, keep your dignity and just wish him well. 

If he was in any way undecided or torn, your response has confirmed for him that he made the right decision.

Edited October 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[PinkIceCream]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How gracious of him allowing you to come see him, for sex no doubt since admittedly you left sex stuff there.  Ugh. 

This sounds like a FWB or FB situation, was this okay with you?

I'm curious what he lied to you about and why you went off on him?

From what you posted he sounds like a straight shooter telling you from the beginning he had no time for "anything." (i.e dating).

I would not do anything, just let the whole thing go.  No voice mail apologies or anything else. 

As far as your sex stuff, lesson learned to never leave items at a man's house unless you're in an exclusive relationship with him, jmo on that. 

Im sorry it didn't work out.

 

 

I don't know I felt like he was lying when he said he was too busy. But I told him I liked the friendly dynamic between us after he told me he liked my company. So he knew I was ok with just being friends with benefits. He was the one telling me to forget about other guys etc. He was telling me how he would take me camping etc. I didn't have an issue with being friends with benefits. But he should have told me from the beginning that he just wanted to be friends with benefits. 

I always tell men I like going with the flow. Like this other guy I've been talking to asked me what I was looking for. And I told him I just want to go with the flow and he said me too. Then there is another guy who keeps trying to get me to be friends with benefits with him. But he's poly and he has too many casual partners for me. So I don't think I'm going to get involved with that.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

I always tell men I like going with the flow.

Perhaps stop doing this. Be honest with yourself and the men you date. If you don't want casual sex, don't imply that you do. If you prefer one-on-one exclusive dating/relationships have the courage to say so rather than imply you're the "cool girl" then go ballistic on someone when what you actually hope for doesn't happen. At 35, you need to know precisely what you want and speak up for yourself.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

39 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

Was I wrong for going off on him? I think maybe I overreacted because he could actually be telling the truth. 

I think you were wrong for going off on him even if it turns out he was lying.

You see, I reckon the only thing he owed you was an indication of whether he wanted to date or not. He said he no longer wanted to. That is all you need to know. With that unambiguous bit of information, you can move on.

You can apologize if you want to. I probably would because I like to tidy things up before I move on.

[S2B]

1 hour ago, PinkIceCream said:

I didn't have an issue with going to his place I felt really comfortable being there and he said he liked my company. He said he was trying to save money for things so I didn't have a problem with it.

This equates to:

I will use you because you allow me to

i don’t intend to make effort for you

i won’t spend money on you - it’s not important to me

 

just don’t. He’s not that into you.

the fact that you blew up on him means you don’t go with the flow - you expected way more and it meant nothing to him.

 

any guy having you to his house once a week and never taking you out - is already a friends with (no) benefits. A sex Buddy rather. Not even friends - just sex.

you expected more - he expected sex only. Now he doesn’t even want the sex. So do not contact him again. 

Edited October 9, 2022 by S2B

[S2B]

My hope for you - when he gets horny again in a week or so and calls you - to come over - you say no!

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps stop doing this. Be honest with yourself and the men you date. If you don't want casual sex, don't imply that you do. If you prefer one-on-one exclusive dating/relationships have the courage to say so rather than imply you're the "cool girl" then go ballistic on someone when what you actually hope for doesn't happen. At 35, you need to know precisely what you want and speak up for yourself.

Exactly what I was going to say. 

[PinkIceCream]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

This equates to:

I will use you because you allow me to

i don’t intend to make effort for you

i won’t spend money on you - it’s not important to me

 

just don’t. He’s not that into you.

the fact that you blew up on him means you don’t go with the flow - you expected way more and it meant nothing to him.

 

any guy having you to his house once a week and never taking you out - is already a friends with (no) benefits. A sex Buddy rather. Not even friends - just sex.

you expected more - he expected sex only. Now he doesn’t even want the sex. So do not contact him again. 

So just because you go to a guys house without going on dates means he doesn't like you? I told him I was ok with just coming to his house because I knew he was trying to save money. He was telling me to forget about other men and he said he enjoys my company. If he didn't like me then why was he telling me to forget about other men? He's the one who made it seem like he wanted to date. I told him I was ok with our friendly dynamic. 

Edited October 9, 2022 by PinkIceCream

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

He's the one who made it seem like he wanted to date.

You are assuming that because he told you not to date/have sex with other men that he wanted to “date.” Not true - you haven’t described anything that would lead one to believe that you were actually dating the man. Hanging out at his house and having sex does not imply a relationship. Sexual exclusivity does not even imply a relationship. 

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

I told him I was ok with just coming to his house because I knew he was trying to save money. 

There are dates that cost little to no money.  Going to a guy's house (especially inviting yourself), basically is saying you're only interested in getting laid.  When he said he's busy with work and you still ask to come over with sex stuff; he probably thought you were too thirsty, taking up too much of his time and just ended it.  Then when you told him off he knew he had made the right decision. No you shouldn't apologize or try to collect your sex stuff.  Buy new stuff and go out with the other guys you mentioned.

Edited October 9, 2022 by stillafool

[PinkIceCream]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You are assuming that because he told you not to date/have sex with other men that he wanted to “date.” Not true - you haven’t described anything that would lead one to believe that you were actually dating the man. Hanging out at his house and having sex does not imply a relationship. Sexual exclusivity does not even imply a relationship. 

So if we weren't dating then why would he say he doesn't want to date? It really makes no sense. I never said hanging out and having sex implies a relationship. But he shouldn't have been telling me to forget about other men if we aren't dating. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said:

So if we weren't dating then why would he say he doesn't want to date? It really makes no sense. I never said hanging out and having sex implies a relationship. But he shouldn't have been telling me to forget about other men if we aren't dating. 

Because he doesn't want to catch an STD from another guy is the reason he told you not to have sex with other men.

Edited October 9, 2022 by stillafool

[FMW]

Just move on.  He didn't want to continue seeing you, you went off on him.  Nothing more to be said.  As for the "sex stuff", do you really want to use the same things with other partners?  Even it it's just a box of condoms and lube, just get new things.