glows Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 43 minutes ago, PinkIceCream said: Yes, us being friends and chatting would have been ok. I don't know that I actually saw him in a romantic way I just know that I felt emotional comfort with him. I felt safe and comfortable with him. I didn't feel like I had to hide my emotions I felt safe to cuddle and actually let someone be close to be physically. I don't really feel safe emotionally most of the time and it's hard for me to connect with people. So when I was with him I felt really emotionally connected. And when he told me he didn't have time to date my mind only took me to "You aren't going to have that comfort" and I just overreacted. Instead of just thinking well hey maybe he just doesn't have time right now. It wasn't really about romance it was about feeling emotionally safe. What I'm trying to say is it's rare that I feel any kind of emotional connection with anyone as I have a difficult time expressing emotions. I’m curious why this is so. See bolded. You recognize where you had made a mistake and are learning from it which is good. Why is it important to have him as an emotional safety net? What I’m really curious about is why there’s a need for that? Can you feel safe and supported through other ways such as family or community? Why place it on someone who’s virtually a stranger or whom you’ve known for a short time? It’s very natural to want to be around people we can feel safe with but be a little more choosy. He let you go before you reacted, choosing or opting not to be that comfort to you. He cited not having enough time. I suspect the time available for chatting might have decreased. He might see other people and make someone else a priority. If you do see him as a source of comfort would a decrease in that cause you to be uncomfortable over time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, PinkIceCream said: I don't really feel safe emotionally most of the time and it's hard for me to connect with people. If this is the case, you are choosing relationships that present a high risk of being hurt and reinforcing your belief that “people aren’t safe.” Of course, it’s not the same as the grief that you feel when you love another and they end a relationship/die. This is death by a thousand cuts… you meet a man, tell him that you are cool with whatever, develop feelings of attachment and expectation… and then, when it inevitably ends as these kind of “no strings attached, nothing risked/nothing gained” relationships tend to do - you are left feeling hurt and angry and striking out at the other person. In short, your chosen coping strategy may just be reinforcing your insecurity and feelings of being unsafe. Maybe it’s time to reconsider, get some counselling, decide what you really want to go after it. Edited October 11, 2022 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 11, 2022 Author Share Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: If this is the case, you are choosing relationships that present a high risk of being hurt and reinforcing your belief that “people aren’t safe.” Of course, it’s not the same as the grief that you feel when you love another and they end a relationship/die. This is death by a thousand cuts… you meet a man, tell him that you are cool with whatever, develop feelings of attachment and expectation… and then, when it inevitably ends as these kind of “no strings attached, nothing risked/nothing gained” relationships tend to do - you are left feeling hurt and angry and striking out at the other person. In short, your chosen coping strategy may just be reinforcing your insecurity and feelings of being unsafe. Maybe it’s time to reconsider, get some counselling, decide what you really want to go after it. I choose no strings attached so that I don’t end up hurt. But really how was I supposed to know that this situation was a no strings attached? When he was telling me how we were going to do this and that together? I mean he made it seem like he actually liked me. It didn’t seem like no strings attached we cuddled and talked about things I mean really. I guess I was supposed to automatically know it was no strings attached. I asked him if he was interested in someone else and he said no. And that he was preoccupied with work and didn’t have time for anything or anyone. Which is what he had told me once before in person. That he was really busy with work but yet he let me come see him still. He was going to let me drop off something of his after he told me he didn’t have time for a relationship. But that’s when I went off. Edited October 11, 2022 by PinkIceCream Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 Would have you wanted to remain friends if you found out his reason for ending this was an excuse? Or if you stayed friendly but later discovered he has met someone else who he does make time to date? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 1 hour ago, PinkIceCream said: I choose no strings attached so that I don’t end up hurt Going from friends to FWB is a lot more complicated and can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. No strings = no feelings is a myth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 @PinkIceCream re "no strings attached" can you define what that means for you? You say you cuddled and talked about things, so did you assume from that there were "strings" attached? If so, what are these strings? An exclusive relationship? I'm not being obtuse I promise, but this phrase has always confused me In my relationships, I never considered them having no strings or having strings. I took each day as it came, let whatever was meant to happen, happen, naturally and organically, focused on the journey and remained detached from the outcome. As a result, ironically the relationship progressed, I recently got married. To me having strings attached = high expectations. Going forward, it's best to lower these expectations and again allow everything to develop naturally and organically. With this attitude, you might be surprised at how relaxed and grounded you feel! It might also serve to pull HIM closer to you as well, without your even trying. Remember it takes TWO people to make a relationship, two energies bouncing off each other, each reacting to the other. I'm not saying you and this guy would have worked out, but you might have. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Going from friends to FWB is a lot more complicated and can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. No strings = no feelings is a myth. It’s interesting the number of people who say they chose FWB relationships because they don’t want to be hurt and yet… they come to this board usually because a) they have developed feelings/expectations that have not been reciprocated or b) their FWB partner has found someone else/ended the relationship and they’ve been hurt. The truth is, it’s very difficult to be involved in a intimate relationship with another person and not develop an attachment. No strings = no feelings is most definitely a myth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 5 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: Yes, us being friends and chatting would have been ok. I don't know that I actually saw him in a romantic way I just know that I felt emotional comfort with him. I felt safe and comfortable with him. I didn't feel like I had to hide my emotions I felt safe to cuddle and actually let someone be close to be physically. I don't really feel safe emotionally most of the time and it's hard for me to connect with people. So when I was with him I felt really emotionally connected. Think this through to it's completion ^ Imagine that you can become a friend and this involves emotional closeness and maybe cuddles. What happens when he gets a girlfriend? He will have to pull right back on any emotional or physical connection he has with you out of respect for her. Then you'll be right back where you are. Save yourself the heartache of losing him twice. And get a therapist to help you address the issues around feeling safe 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: And yes I would have been ok with us being friends I told him I liked the friendly dynamic between us which means I was ok with being friends. As his friend that would mean you'd be okay if he met another girl and made her his girlfriend then introduced her to you, his friend. Could you handle that without being hurt? If not, you cannot be his friend. Edited October 11, 2022 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 11, 2022 Share Posted October 11, 2022 (edited) Apologizing is not about winning him back; it's being sorry that you overreacted. No, don’t reach out to apologize. Your self-reflection can rectify that. Move on, and chalk it up to experience. 9 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: Who said anything about begging? I said I wanted to apologize for the way that I reacted. And that maybe we can be friends in the future. Edited October 11, 2022 by Alpacalia 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 12, 2022 Share Posted October 12, 2022 (edited) 22 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: I choose no strings attached so that I don’t end up hurt. But really how was I supposed to know that this situation was a no strings attached? When he was telling me how we were going to do this and that together? I mean he made it seem like he actually liked me. Now I am feeling that you're being disingenuous. He "let" you come over to his house 4 times. Never took you anywhere or even saved you the trip by going to your place. Talk is cheap. So he talked about camping. His behavior was obviously extremely casual and impersonal. I suspect that he cut it off because he knew you were getting intense. The "emotionally safe" thing is for intimate relationships and if you were getting this from him he would know that he was not in the "no strings" zone where he wanted to remain. Edited October 12, 2022 by NuevoYorko 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkIceCream Posted October 12, 2022 Author Share Posted October 12, 2022 5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Now I am feeling that you're being disingenuous. He "let" you come over to his house 4 times. Never took you anywhere or even saved you the trip by going to your place. Talk is cheap. So he talked about camping. His behavior was obviously extremely casual and impersonal. I suspect that he cut it off because he knew you were getting intense. The "emotionally safe" thing is for intimate relationships and if you were getting this from him he would know that he was not in the "no strings" zone where he wanted to remain. I asked him if I could come over and he said yes. He asked me if I wanted to go out. And I told him no that I liked coming to his house. Extremely casual and impersonal? He cuddled with me I held him in my arms that’s not impersonal. Yes he let me go but it could be because he’s going through something right now. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2022 Share Posted October 12, 2022 2 hours ago, PinkIceCream said: Yes he let me go but it could be because he’s going through something right now. I think he realizes that you are getting too serious about him and too relaxed in his home and decided to shut it down. It's time for you to accept it's over now and move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted October 12, 2022 Share Posted October 12, 2022 The best apology is done face to face in my opinion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 13, 2022 Share Posted October 13, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, ZA Dater said: The best apology is done face to face in my opinion. Except this man certainly never wants to see her face again. He's probably blocked her. [ ] Edited October 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 13, 2022 Share Posted October 13, 2022 On 10/11/2022 at 11:08 AM, PinkIceCream said: I asked him if he was interested in someone else and he said no. And that he was preoccupied with work and didn’t have time for anything or anyone. Which is what he had told me once before in person. That he was really busy with work but yet he let me come see him still. This is a lesson in accepting a situation and listening to someone when they tell you they’re not available or aren’t interested. You had hoped this would be different or it would grow into something more and got frustrated when it didn’t. The next time, pass. Move on to people who are more open and don’t say things like the above. Going for no strings types of relationships keeps you stuck in this pattern yearning for more when there is nothing there to go on. Did he respond to you? If he hasn’t it’s a blessing. Cut your losses and change what you’re doing. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 14, 2022 Share Posted October 14, 2022 It's worth getting used to the excuses given when someone ends a connection. With the exception of significant relationships, I don't think I've ever been honest about my reasons for not wanting to see someone again. Thing is, when someone stops seeing another it's usually something about that other person which doesn't work for us. But if that real reason is given, they (unsurprisingly) get hurt and/or offended and/or defensive and/or angry. Even worse if there's more than one reason. So it's safer and less confrontational to blame ourselves. Not ready to date, Not enough time, etc etc Unfortunately, you went off even when he wasn't citing something you did so that didn't work for him either. For future dating, assume the reason given probably isn't true. Or the whole truth. Rather, simply listen to the message "it's over" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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