She cancelled 3rd date 2 hours before hand. Is this a lost cause?

[basil67]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

Every day I go through all the possible matches on Hinge, Bumble, the League and Match and get nothing. I had Tinder and Ok Cupid but deleted it after so many fake profiles and it was just a waste of time

You've mentioned previously that you are looking for woman who is a minority race in your area.   Finding limited options is a natural consequence of narrow parameters. 

If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same results.  And if you're getting fed up with those results, you're best to either make peace with it or change what you're looking for

 

Edited October 11, 2022 by basil67
grammar

[Ami1uwant]

On 10/10/2022 at 4:51 PM, max3732 said:

I've been sending 2 or 3 messages and then asking them out. One lately said something like "slow down there cowboy" and unmatched me.

With the one I asked about for the 3rd date I confirmed plans the day before.

That might be too quick for some.

 

my general plan ( depending on what site I’m using)

 

1. do some back and forth messaging

2. if it seems do bring going well I’ll ask about talking on the phone

3. have a convo that lasts 45 min or so then bring up meeting face to face.

4.set up plans to meet soonish like 2-4 days later.

5. don’t talk to her other than dating logistics before the meet.

 

i don’t know where you live and if your restrict searching is limiting your options.

 

 

Edited October 13, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[chillii]

Yeah l found back it the day people varied far and wide but tbh op , that all sounds a bit too sorta forced to me.A lot of stuff l read round ls does. Sorry to say though yeah, think she's out my friend.

You seem to be meeting plenty of women though so it's prob just a matter of time that right one comes along, good luck.

Edited October 13, 2022 by chillii

[max3732]

On 10/11/2022 at 6:10 PM, basil67 said:

You've mentioned previously that you are looking for woman who is a minority race in your area.   Finding limited options is a natural consequence of narrow parameters. 

If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same results.  And if you're getting fed up with those results, you're best to either make peace with it or change what you're looking for

 

Even though I'm looking for a minority race in my area they do exist and I've messaged or swiped on a whole bunch of them with these dating apps. I can see on Match they've viewed my profile and don't reply. With all of them I send a personalized message based on their profile. Either something about a photo or interest they mention.

I don't want to settle for someone who wouldn't be a good match for me.

8 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah l found back it the day people varied far and wide but tbh op , that all sounds a bit too sorta forced to me.A lot of stuff l read round ls does. Sorry to say though yeah, think she's out my friend.

You seem to be meeting plenty of women though so it's prob just a matter of time that right one comes along, good luck.

Lately I've been lucky with the 3 matches that actually met in person. This one I posted about here I was on the fence about, the one who lived 1.5 hours away I was pretty lukewarm and the other one who is 45 minutes away I really, really liked. She's the one who suggested a dating activity and the place and said she wants to do it "soon" but would be traveling and who also kissed me at the end of the date. 

Besides those 3 I haven't had much luck locally.

On 10/11/2022 at 10:55 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Are you using free or paid versions? It sounds like you are spreading yourself too thing being visible on too many (low quality) apps. You know your specific criteria, so try eHarmony.

With Match and Bumble I have the paid version. I paid for the League 1 month at their lowest tier and it's extremely expensive. With the league there are a lot of women I see that I like but it always says "there are 10+ guys ahead of you". I did EHarmony years ago and didn't get many dates from it either. Are there a lot of users on it?  

[basil67]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

Even though I'm looking for a minority race in my area they do exist and I've messaged or swiped on a whole bunch of them with these dating apps. I can see on Match they've viewed my profile and don't reply. With all of them I send a personalized message based on their profile. Either something about a photo or interest they mention.

I don't want to settle for someone who wouldn't be a good match for me.

Of course they are out there, but I'm talking percentages.  If say, 25% of the women are white, then you're straight up ruling out 75% of other women.  If those 25% of white women also need to be slim and pretty, then you've probably taken yourself down to 15% of available women.  And those 15% will have a huge number of men vying for their attention.  They'd be getting loads of messages a day, so those women are picking the cream of the crop. 

(I realise that my stats are likely incorrect because I'm just guessing.  My intention is just to make the point)

You absolutely have the right to  make narrow parameters.  Just as you don't want to "settle", I'm sure those other women don't want a guy who sees them as second choice.  However, the fact remains that you're competing in a very tight market, against more than a few guys who've got experience, style and game.   The outcomes you're getting are directly related to choosing to compete in a tight market....and those outcomes are something you'll need to accept as part of the territory

 

Edited October 13, 2022 by basil67

[max3732]

Just FYI. I sent her a text asking about how her meeting went and haven't heard back. 

She mentioned she just got back into dating and I'm guessing maybe she met someone who lives closer. Although I have no idea. It's just a bit odd she'd agree to the 3rd date and cancel a few hours beforehand and then never respond again.

Regardless I'm back with no dating prospects.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

It's just a bit odd she'd agree to the 3rd date and cancel a few hours beforehand and then never respond again.

For whatever reason, she changed her mind. People do this all the time. Maybe it is something that you have said or done. Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all. There may or may not be anybody else.  Who knows. We could go on and on speculating about this woman. None of us know for sure. In any case, it is what is is. She is not interested. Please don't contact her anymore. 

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Regardless I'm back with no dating prospects.

Perhaps this is a good time to think about expanding your preferences. Nothing wrong with having dealbreakers and preferences. We all need to have them. But if you are not getting any good results, what good are they doing for you? Not saying that you should settle or take just about anything that comes your way  but try to have a more of an open-minded approach when it comes to dating.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

Just FYI. I sent her a text asking about how her meeting went and haven't heard back. 

She mentioned she just got back into dating and I'm guessing maybe she met someone who lives closer. Although I have no idea. It's just a bit odd she'd agree to the 3rd date and cancel a few hours beforehand and then never respond again.

Regardless I'm back with no dating prospects.

It’s more likely you weren’t the only one she’s dating so things advanced further with someone else but she liked you as an option B

 

thr other possibility…you were the first one she dated and found out she wasn’t ready yet.

[chillii]

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

Just FYI. I sent her a text asking about how her meeting went and haven't heard back. 

She mentioned she just got back into dating and I'm guessing maybe she met someone who lives closer. Although I have no idea. It's just a bit odd she'd agree to the 3rd date and cancel a few hours beforehand and then never respond again.

Regardless I'm back with no dating prospects.

 

This is why l never understand all the pushing it they seem to do around here , never did that in my life back in the day. l'd call her a few days later or drop a message if l wanted to see her again. To me it'd really spoil things, piss me off too actually someone pushing some so called next date or whatever when we hadn't even finished or just , or absorbed the first time yet. That'd just turn it all into some pressured and forced answers they probably haven't even had time to think about yet, a change of mind would be no surprise later.

Anyway , your doing ok your meeting people, only a matter of time. Good luck.

 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2022 by chillii

[max3732]

15 hours ago, Alvi said:

Perhaps this is a good time to think about expanding your preferences. Nothing wrong with having dealbreakers and preferences. We all need to have them. But if you are not getting any good results, what good are they doing for you? Not saying that you should settle or take just about anything that comes your way  but try to have a more of an open-minded approach when it comes to dating.

Not really sure how else to expand them. I already did a larger age range than I originally planned and also bigger distance (last 3 were all 45 minutes + away). There's just no way I'd be happy with someone who doesn't meet the preferences I have now. I get so frustrated when I see an otherwise possible match and see she smokes/does drugs, has a ring through her nose like a bull, says she hates people with my political views, etc.

10 hours ago, chillii said:

 

This is why l never understand all the pushing it they seem to do around here , never did that in my life back in the day. l'd call her a few days later or drop a message if l wanted to see her again. To me it'd really spoil things, piss me off too actually someone pushing some so called next date or whatever when we hadn't even finished or just , or absorbed the first time yet. That'd just turn it all into some pressured and forced answers they probably haven't even had time to think about yet, a change of mind would be no surprise later.

Anyway , your doing ok your meeting people, only a matter of time. Good luck.

 

 

 

There's so much conflicting advice about the right time to ask for the next date. I try to go with the flow and see if it feels right to ask for it while I'm there. With this women who cancelled at the last minute I didn't ask her for the 3rd date until a several days after the 2nd. 

These 3 last dates were the only ones I've had recently. In person I'm doing a social sport once a week or so and am meeting women my age but they're married. I don't know where to meet single ones. I saw a place near me has a ladies happy hour. I've never gone to anything like that and it doesn't mean the women will be single.

Also I know there are a bunch of fitness classes I could try like yoga, but I don't know if women like to be hit on there. I wish there was something social like board games or sight seeing or something like that.

Match has in person events but they're all 45 minutes + from me, which is odd because I live near a major city.

[max3732]

On 10/13/2022 at 6:03 PM, basil67 said:

Of course they are out there, but I'm talking percentages.  If say, 25% of the women are white, then you're straight up ruling out 75% of other women.  If those 25% of white women also need to be slim and pretty, then you've probably taken yourself down to 15% of available women.  And those 15% will have a huge number of men vying for their attention.  They'd be getting loads of messages a day, so those women are picking the cream of the crop. 

(I realise that my stats are likely incorrect because I'm just guessing.  My intention is just to make the point)

You absolutely have the right to  make narrow parameters.  Just as you don't want to "settle", I'm sure those other women don't want a guy who sees them as second choice.  However, the fact remains that you're competing in a very tight market, against more than a few guys who've got experience, style and game.   The outcomes you're getting are directly related to choosing to compete in a tight market....and those outcomes are something you'll need to accept as part of the territory

 

What can do I do to improve my style and game? Is there something else I can do to stand out from all the other men? I literally have hundreds of messages I've sent or women I've swiped on with these dating apps and don't understand why I can't get an in person date with them.

 

[introverted1]

28 minutes ago, max3732 said:

There's so much conflicting advice about the right time to ask for the next date.

That's because, when the other person is interested, most approaches work.

So one person had success asking for date 2 while still on date 1, and that's what they recommend.

Someone else had success asking for date 2 a few days later, and that's what they recommend.

And so on.

Point being, when two people are interested, it pretty much falls into place.  A woman who wants to go out with you will be looking for ways to say yes, not no. 

At the point where you are agonizing about how/when to ask, I'd venture to say that ship has sailed. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

I already did a larger age range than I originally planned and also bigger distance (last 3 were all 45 minutes + away). she hates people with my political views.

This is the area you may consider opening your mind to. Widening the net with age and distance is a frequent mistake people make trying to get more matches.

[Els]

Yes, things happen and people need to cancel, but a genuinely interested person who just had to cancel due to work would respond to you about rescheduling. I think you should just pass this one by.

[chillii]

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

There's so much conflicting advice about the right time to ask for the next date. I try to go with the flow and see if it feels right to ask for it while I'm there. With this women who cancelled at the last minute I didn't ask her for the 3rd date until a several days after the 2nd. 

These 3 last dates were the only ones I've had recently. In person I'm doing a social sport once a week or so and am meeting women my age but they're married. I don't know where to meet single ones. I saw a place near me has a ladies happy hour. I've never gone to anything like that and it doesn't mean the women will be single.

Also I know there are a bunch of fitness classes I could try like yoga, but I don't know if women like to be hit on there. I wish there was something social like board games or sight seeing or something like that.

Match has in person events but they're all 45 minutes + from me, which is odd because I live near a major city.

 

Yeah l know there is , must get confusing if you take too much notice of it all. Anything in the past for me was never some date type thing anyway tbh. l'd had just met her somehow we'd hit it of and it'd just taken of it's own from there.

Anyway your doing ok and yeah may as well check out these things going on and suss out the crowd before bothering. Wouldn't worry about hitting on anyone though l mean if you just happened to meet someone at one of them you get along , she was single and interested it'd only be a one off anyway and prob just happen. Not like you'd be running round asking all the women out you. But yeah in your age range l suppose they might mostly still be married, the divorces and divorced are prob a few yrs away yet. But they'll still be around just not as common.  Good luck.

ps , my brothers a bit older but he loves hiking and joined some hike group. Said it was full of women and everyone just mixes about naturally as they go along, that sounded good.

 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2022 by chillii

[max3732]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the area you may consider opening your mind to. Widening the net with age and distance is a frequent mistake people make trying to get more matches.

I did open it up to "moderate" a while ago and will occasionally message ones of the opposing party, but if they have statements attacking me for my beliefs or specifically saying to not match with her if I vote the way I do I'm going to honor her wish. Aside from all the other issues it's tough to find someone in my area with the same beliefs even though it's the majority belief in my state.

Something else I opened up to was any height. I don't care if she's under 5' or 7' tall.

I am finding women on these dating apps who meet my preferences, but they don't seem to want to talk to me for some reason. Yet ones I'm not interested in do. 

The other night I was talking to some friends who both have kids in the same class and they're talking about their kids, wives and everything and I just get so frustrated I'm over 40 and still single. Honestly I hate my age and wish I were in my early 20's and doing this when people would say "you have time". Now I feel like I've missed out on a chance for ever finding love and a family.

7 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Yeah l know there is , must get confusing if you take too much notice of it all. Anything in the past for me was never some date type thing anyway tbh. l'd had just met her somehow we'd hit it of and it'd just taken of it's own from there.

Anyway your doing ok and yeah may as well check out these things going on and suss out the crowd before bothering. Wouldn't worry about hitting on anyone though l mean if you just happened to meet someone at one of them you get along , she was single and interested it'd only be a one off anyway and prob just happen. Not like you'd be running round asking all the women out you. But yeah in your age range l suppose they might mostly still be married, the divorces and divorced are prob a few yrs away yet. But they'll still be around just not as common.  Good luck.

 

 

 

Do you have any other ideas for ways to meet women in real life? What would attract single women in their 30s? Everything I do their either way too young or way too old or married.

Edited October 19, 2022 by max3732

[chillii]

Yeah as l was saying brothers hike group sounded really good he said there's all ages. l know of a couple , married off these days but they met on a hike back when. But yeah ldk man , that's the tough one even for the ladies hear them wondering where and how to meet someone too. l suppose it's pretty area and country specific too really, different things going on. l actually met my partner on this date site to our surprise , we'd both been divorced. There was only 3 or 4women in the whole place l had any interest in she was one of them but as soon as l found hers it was pretty instant - luckily she responded haha. Met ex at a friends place one night , thought holy hell where you been hiding her. Asked my friend a few days later if she'd mind getting me her number if she'd be ok with it.

Edited October 19, 2022 by chillii

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I did open it up to "moderate" a while ago and will occasionally message ones of the opposing party, but if they have statements attacking me for my beliefs or specifically saying to not match with her if I vote the way I do I'm going to honor her wish. Aside from all the other issues it's tough to find someone in my area with the same beliefs even though it's the majority belief in my state.

You're making very good choices with this.   If there is something which is going to be annoying for one or both of you from the outset, just swipe on by.  

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, max3732 said:

What can do I do to improve my style and game? Is there something else I can do to stand out from all the other men? I literally have hundreds of messages I've sent or women I've swiped on with these dating apps and don't understand why I can't get an in person date with them.

 

Not much…

 

many online sites use “ dead profiles” in search algorithms.

 

of course your search criteria vs where you live could be a big issue.  As other people said if you are interested in characteristics that limit your search like being Republican in a democratic big city when 80%+ of your matches won’t match with you because of your political views are different will significantly limit your search options.

 

If you are looking for specific interest groups there are niche dating sites for that.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, max3732 said:

What would attract single women in their 30s? 

Someone who cares for who they are as a person/woman and isn't looking for a running mate as if politics were  most important factor. Your political views shouldn't even be on your dating profile. If after you meet for a drink/coffee, you come across incompatibilities, decide then not to arrange a second date.

[Beachead]

@max3732

OP, doesn't really look like you did anything wrong here.  You did the best you could do.  Things not working out can also have plenty to do with exogenous factors out of your control such as the dating environment in which you are participating in.  Some of these can factors can include but are not limited to:  

1. The nature of OLD sites that encourage a high supply of male competition towards the limited number of females which can drive the expectations/requirements (Cost) up.   

2. These sites indirectly promoting harmful topics such as Politics as a criteria, which is basically a setup for catastrophe since it is not only too personal but also improbable that anyone will agree on everything. 

3. Her past and her trauma which may influence how she thinks and what she wants for herself or give rise to certain insecurities that may affect how she perceives herself and the world she is in and the people she chooses to associate with who may have an influence on her choices.  There are NUMEROUS exogenous variables that have a role in a successful interaction.

If you want my honest opinion, I appreciate why OLD arose but feel resulting culture it incentivizes, defeats the whole point of it.  It's a bandaid solution to a larger problem in society, regarding lifestyle (Work-life Balance etc.) and socialization and I feel people such as yourself are being impacted by it.  Success for a man on these platforms will likely be attributed to numbers; the number of messages you send out.  The more you send out, the more responses you'll get.  Problem is, are these the matches you'd want?  And can you still be sincere and sensitive to the person's uniqueness, after the 500th message?  I don't believe most can.  I believe people desensitize, stop caring and mindlessly go through the motions; ultimately defeating the whole reason for people such as yourself joining OLD; to find something meaningful.  But, if you feel that won't be you, continue.  

My solution for you is if it is that important to you to meet someone, do it in real life.    Consider volunteering and joining causes that you believe in so that you can meet people who share common interests with you.  There's a second part to this though..you have to genuinely be doing this for you, and not to meet a partner, so that you don't prioritizing meeting a woman, over the work.  This will keep your mind, balanced, which is the train of thought you'll need  should something materialize.  If you don't have much luck with them, just remember, they have friends.

- Beach

Edited October 20, 2022 by Beachead

[max3732]

On 10/20/2022 at 11:51 AM, Beachead said:

@max3732

OP, doesn't really look like you did anything wrong here.  You did the best you could do.  Things not working out can also have plenty to do with exogenous factors out of your control such as the dating environment in which you are participating in.  Some of these can factors can include but are not limited to:  

1. The nature of OLD sites that encourage a high supply of male competition towards the limited number of females which can drive the expectations/requirements (Cost) up.   

2. These sites indirectly promoting harmful topics such as Politics as a criteria, which is basically a setup for catastrophe since it is not only too personal but also improbable that anyone will agree on everything. 

3. Her past and her trauma which may influence how she thinks and what she wants for herself or give rise to certain insecurities that may affect how she perceives herself and the world she is in and the people she chooses to associate with who may have an influence on her choices.  There are NUMEROUS exogenous variables that have a role in a successful interaction.

If you want my honest opinion, I appreciate why OLD arose but feel resulting culture it incentivizes, defeats the whole point of it.  It's a bandaid solution to a larger problem in society, regarding lifestyle (Work-life Balance etc.) and socialization and I feel people such as yourself are being impacted by it.  Success for a man on these platforms will likely be attributed to numbers; the number of messages you send out.  The more you send out, the more responses you'll get.  Problem is, are these the matches you'd want?  And can you still be sincere and sensitive to the person's uniqueness, after the 500th message?  I don't believe most can.  I believe people desensitize, stop caring and mindlessly go through the motions; ultimately defeating the whole reason for people such as yourself joining OLD; to find something meaningful.  But, if you feel that won't be you, continue.  

My solution for you is if it is that important to you to meet someone, do it in real life.    Consider volunteering and joining causes that you believe in so that you can meet people who share common interests with you.  There's a second part to this though..you have to genuinely be doing this for you, and not to meet a partner, so that you don't prioritizing meeting a woman, over the work.  This will keep your mind, balanced, which is the train of thought you'll need  should something materialize.  If you don't have much luck with them, just remember, they have friends.

- Beach

With OLD I can't change the system. Certainly after all this time I can't get too invested in someone after my 1st message, but when I get a response back or match I still get genuinely excited. It's probably only after over 100 personalized messages that I get anything back. That's why I get to frustrated when they match with me and then don't reply after 1 or 2 messages. It's especially aggravating when I think things went well and they express what seems to me to be a strong interest in another date.

There is a match event actually close to me for a change so I will try to go to that. My previous times with the events were fun but there was literally no one there I was interested in. At the least it was a fun night out.

Any ideas of where I could volunteer and join causes? It seems like everywhere I go it's much older or younger people. I took a photography class a few years ago and I think there was only 1 person besides me under 50. The only place I can really think of is fitness/yoga classes. 

[max3732]

On 10/20/2022 at 5:18 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Someone who cares for who they are as a person/woman and isn't looking for a running mate as if politics were  most important factor. Your political views shouldn't even be on your dating profile. If after you meet for a drink/coffee, you come across incompatibilities, decide then not to arrange a second date.

I don't care what she calls herself as far as politics, but there are certain basic values and ways of raising our children that I think are extremely important and if she opposing views on those than even if we like the same kind of ice cream or movies it's not going to work. So what matters to me is having a basic philosophy on life more than her party registration. I don't want to get into specifics here, but there are so many examples I see where someone of the other party would just not be a good match for me as a wife. As far as friends I'm friends with all kinds of people