Is looking at other girls Instagram cheating?

[Doingthebestican]

This is a genuine question, as it’s something I’m struggling with right now. I want complete honest answers.

I was in a relationship for 6 months with a girl I really loved. During that time I made some mistakes that hurt her and I felt really bad about them. It got to a point though where she went through my phone browser history and saw I’d visited a few girls profiles. I never had any intent on messaging any of them, and I never wanted any of them as this girl was my woman. She saw that I’d visited their profiles and called me a cheater and a manipulator and what not. I said I was extremely sorry and said I’d never do it again but it persisted for weeks of her crying every time we’d hung out saying I was the reason she had to worry and compare herself to all these women. It got to the point where we couldn’t even watch a movie if there was a sex scene in it. I couldn’t handle the constant fighting and during one of them I just got pushed to far and I broke up with her.

I still care deeply for this girl, but I genuinely don’t see how what I did warranted that kind of reaction. I just want genuine answers.

[glows]

It’s interesting you keep mentioning the IG profiles and your browsing but neglected to also include that you publicly vented about your relationship on another forum and she saw all the things you had written. Two threads were merged in your last thread and changes my opinion slightly. This relationship is full of hurts and damaged trust. She doesn’t trust you and you have issues with her and dislike her to the point of needing to vent in the way you did. 

Learn from the mistakes and move on. Communicate better or pick better partners more compatible with you. Avoid airing your dirty laundry online where your partner may read all the nasty things you’re saying about her to strangers. You both might get on each others’ nerves - process that and don’t keep running towards it. You’re not meant to be together. Has she blocked you? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Doingthebestican said:

It got to a point though where she went through my phone browser history I couldn’t handle the constant fighting and during one of them I just got pushed to far and I broke up with her.

Sorry this happened. How old is she? While no woman wants to see you admiring other women, this woman seems extremely insecure and jealous. Make sure you have a passcode on your phone that automatically locks after a set time of inactivity. Never hand over your phone to let some browse through it. When it gets that bad, it's time to walk away. You did the right thing ending it. Was she damaged goods from a prior bad incident/relationship?

Edited October 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Doingthebestican]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s interesting you keep mentioning the IG profiles and your browsing but neglected to also include that you publicly vented about your relationship on another forum and she saw all the things you had written. Two threads were merged in your last thread and changes my opinion slightly. This relationship is full of hurts and damaged trust. She doesn’t trust you and you have issues with her and dislike her to the point of needing to vent in the way you did. 

Learn from the mistakes and move on. Communicate better or pick better partners more compatible with you. Avoid airing your dirty laundry online where your partner may read all the nasty things you’re saying about her to strangers. You both might get on each others’ nerves - process that and don’t keep running towards it. You’re not meant to be together. Has she blocked you? 

Correct, I did vent on Reddit about certain things. I had called her insecure for accusing me of flirting with her roomate which I wasn’t. I recognize that that was a huge mistake and wrong on every level. I do feel deeply sorry for that. That occurred very early in our relationship, and I still feel very bad about it. I will never make that mistake again. She has not blocked me and we’ve had a few cordial conversations sense, but she still attacks me for wanting something more with the other girls and I just try to explain that that wasn’t the case

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Doingthebestican said:

She has not blocked me and we’ve had a few cordial conversations sense, but she still attacks me for wanting something more with the other girls and I just try to explain that that wasn’t the case

This means she is not willing to be in a relationship with you. Think on very simple terms here. Your time, your future. Every minute you stand by explaining yourself and being sorry or “attacked” is one more moment you could otherwise be doing something else - laughing, enjoying time with someone else or friends and family or enjoying a peaceful day to yourself. 

Do you have a habit of being drawn to hugely negative and angry people? Let go.

Edited October 10, 2022 by glows

[Doingthebestican]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

This means she is not willing to be in a relationship with you. Think on very simple terms here. Your time, your future. Every minute you stand by explaining yourself and being sorry or “attacked” is one more moment you could otherwise be doing something else - laughing, enjoying time with someone else or friends and family or enjoying a peaceful day to yourself. 

Do you have a habit of being drawn to hugely negative and angry people? Let go.

True, it’s just hard because I really did love her. Tbh as well I have no friends. She was my only friend so I’m really struggling to get by when I just sit alone by myself as I have nobody to do anything with

[glows]

Don’t be afraid to try new things and meet new people solo. This is a chance for you to build your confidence. It seems very low. Go through all the things you want to do in your mind or make a list, whichever is best for you and go for it.

[mark clemson]

On the general topic, it's not cheating but it DOES bother some folks. We get posts from women who are upset their male partner does this on this forum every so often. Mostly it's the non-anonymity that is bothersome. It makes it "more like" cheating than e.g. porn.

If your relationship has other problems, then this is just one more thing to add to the pile of issues, unfortunately.

While it's a tendency only and certainly not always true, men tend to compartmentalize more and women seem to process things more holistically and relate them all together. So, my guess is the fact that there are other problems going on may have made her feel it's more of a problem, or feel more inclined to confront you about it, then perhaps she would have been e.g. 6 months ago when she was happier with everything else.

[Doingthebestican]

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

On the general topic, it's not cheating but it DOES bother some folks. We get posts from women who are upset their male partner does this on this forum every so often. Mostly it's the non-anonymity that is bothersome. It makes it "more like" cheating than e.g. porn.

If your relationship has other problems, then this is just one more thing to add to the pile of issues, unfortunately.

While it's a tendency only and certainly not always true, men tend to compartmentalize more and women seem to process things more holistically and relate them all together. So, my guess is the fact that there are other problems going on may have made her feel it's more of a problem, or feel more inclined to confront you about it, then perhaps she would have been e.g. 6 months ago when she was happier with everything else.

True there was other things, I won’t lie. Though many of the things she thought were wrong with the relationship genuinely weren’t. The one mistake that I will completely own up to is that early on in our relationship she was fighting me for “flirting” with her roommate, which just wasn’t the case. I went and vented about it on Reddit and called her insecure and stuff. I was just venting to random people with anonymity and didn’t mean most the stuff I said, but when she found it she was crushed. I felt so bad and I will never make that same mistake again. However many of the other things she saw wrong with the relationship were mostly in her head. 2 examples I can think of are as follows

1. I met her at a party, a few days later(before me and her had even gone on our first date) I slept with a different girl. When she found out about this she was so hurt and said that I must have thought that girl was better then her, and that I should’ve stayed loyal during that time even though we hadnt even gone on our first date yet

2. she constantly blamed me for looking at other women when we went out together. There were many times I remember when she would get mad at me for “looking” at another woman when I really wasn’t. I remember once at the pool I was looking at the clouds because it was a beautiful day and they looked so pretty and she was so mad because I was “staring at the milfs” another time we were at a restaurant and she was talking to me, I zoned at and my eyes drifted to the floor on the side of our table. A woman happened to walk by and she immediately jumped to attacking me in the restaurant for “looking at her ass”

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Doingthebestican said:

True, it’s just hard because I really did love her. Tbh as well I have no friends. She was my only friend so I’m really struggling to get by when I just sit alone by myself as I have nobody to do anything with

Join some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and course. Anything. Dancing, language, yoga, whatever. Make friends and don't make a GF the center of your universe.

Get on some paid quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Elevate your dating pool and don't slide into social media DMs.

Also don't dox people on Reddit. In some jurisdictions doxing is illegal so she was right to be furious about that.  Don't be foolish about social media.  Set it to private and don't like comment or follow  pics. In the end you two were not compatible so it  had an endpoint built in.

Edited October 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Doingthebestican]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, I’ve learned from that mistake, it was a very [messed up] thing to do. I never mentioned her name, or my name and it was done anonymously, and I did it more as a venting strategy since I have nobody else to talk to, regardless it was [a messed] up thing to do and I’ve definitely learned from that mistake

Edited October 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Will am I]

I wouldn’t call it cheating. But the behaviour was knowingly hurtful towards your girlfriend. It shows a lack of care for her feelings.

Ultimately, people leave relationships because they don’t feel their partner properly cares for their feelings. Infidelity is just one example of this.

[Doingthebestican]

20 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I wouldn’t call it cheating. But the behaviour was knowingly hurtful towards your girlfriend. It shows a lack of care for her feelings.

Ultimately, people leave relationships because they don’t feel their partner properly cares for their feelings. Infidelity is just one example of this.

Yes this is true, I felt extremely bad when it happened and I promised it would never happen again, but I just couldn’t stand the weeks of fighting where she would bring it up constantly and tell me to give her my phone so she could look through it. Idk it just became so much stress

[basil67]

Given that LS is all all about supporting those who come to seek advice or vent, we can hardly tell you that you were wrong to do that same thing     Yes, she may have found it challenging to read your perspective, but she should have used that information to come in and help resolve the issue with you.

Provided that you aren't contacting them, I don't see looking at IG models as cheating.  It's certainly far less questionable than watching porn. 

All that said, considering that she reacted by slandering you to two million plus followers, I hope that you've moved from away from sadness and realised that she was a horrible vindictive person.  Imagine what she'd have done to your bank account if the two of you had ended up going through a divorce.

 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Doingthebestican said:

2. she constantly blamed me for looking at other women ...

Hmm. She DOES sound insecure. The Instagram no doubt made it worse and probably knowing you were with that other girl (even though it's before you dated) probably isn't helping things. 

Honestly I think this woman may have some genuine psychological issues such as very strong Insecure attachment or possibly even strong tendencies towards a personality disorder. Something.

I think you should let her walk away. I suspect she won't actually go quietly (despite what she says at the moment) but will leave and then try to reel you back in or otherwise generate drama.

High-drama women can be alluring to some men, but seriously I think you are much better off letting her go and not taking her back, despite the draw. There are other fish in the sea and probably many of them will be more emotionally healthy for you. I strongly suspect that in the longer term this woman is going to be little but trouble. You seem to be in "Taming of the Shrew" territory here.

Edited October 10, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

It’s time to make some new friends… that’s what I think. You did nothing wrong by looking at other instagram pages… but that wasn’t the only thing that was concerning about this relationship - on both your parts. It’s time to move on and make both friends, and find a new girlfriend. Good luck. 

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, Doingthebestican said:

Yes this is true, I felt extremely bad when it happened and I promised it would never happen again, but I just couldn’t stand the weeks of fighting where she would bring it up constantly and tell me to give her my phone so she could look through it. Idk it just became so much stress

I do agree with the other responses that you probably dodged a bullet.

Your behaviour, that's on you. You did something that your partner experienced as hurtful (in this case looking at Insta models, but it could have been anything else). From your post I don't know how many times you did it, how long the habit lasted, or if it continued after she voiced her complaint. But generally speaking: persisting in hurtful behaviour shows a lack of care for your partner's feelings (which is ultimately a bigger problem than even infidelity).

Women may vary in their tolerance for their partners looking at other women. Your ex-partner seems to be on the very low end of this spectrum. That's insecurity and that's on her. How secure or insecure people are, that's also a spectrum. But on the very low end it renders a person unsuitable to be in an intimate relationship. Maybe she was too insecure to be in a healthy relationship with anyone.

The next concern if how she apparently responded. Having your feelings hurt by your partner is one thing, how you deal with it is another. She appears vindicative and also without proper boundaries: checking on your partner's phone as a way to calm your insecurity changes the relationship into parent/child which is boundary crossing in a romantic relationship.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Doingthebestican said:

 tell me to give her my phone so she could look through it. Idk it just became so much stress

Never do that. Once someone demands to rifle through your phone, it's over. Learn to end things before it gets this bad and both of you are just degrading each other like this.

[glows]

16 hours ago, Doingthebestican said:

Yes this is true, I felt extremely bad when it happened and I promised it would never happen again, but I just couldn’t stand the weeks of fighting where she would bring it up constantly and tell me to give her my phone so she could look through it. Idk it just became so much stress

Move away from this type of dynamic. It doesn’t matter how much you miss her and be accountable for yourself. Pause and time out, rethink your choice of partners.

[smackie9]

On 10/10/2022 at 12:18 PM, Doingthebestican said:

True, it’s just hard because I really did love her. Tbh as well I have no friends. She was my only friend so I’m really struggling to get by when I just sit alone by myself as I have nobody to do anything with

This is problematic. This what people call codependency. Any relationship you have will pretty much implode on itself.