My boyfriends friends - can this be an issue?

[glamtran]

Ok I’ve been dating a guy for over a year now and I think for the most part it’s ok. However I do have concerns about his friends that he gets together with almost nightly after work. If these people are not working (when they have jobs) they are either sleeping or playing video games and smoking weed. I know weed isn’t the worst substance out there many people game to various degrees but I do think all night, every night is too excessive for both. When my bf goes there he claims he is just gaming too but honestly it would be nice if he could diversify his hobbies and friends a bit more. 
 

There have been times when his friends have asked him for money, had substance abuse issues, had long stints of unemployment or questionable employment and have literally smelled or admitted that they have forgot to shower because they have been too busy gaming and smoking. When I have tried to give them a chance and said let’s go visit my bf says they would need more notice cause their house is a mess. In fact, my bf has also expressed concerns about their cleanliness, finances, and even their personalities. For instance, he will say they are “poor losers,” don’t thank him for rides and other favours, etc. Hes even said when he goes there sometimes they hardly acknowledge him  

So, what does my bf see in them? I don’t want to come off as too judgy but we are all in our early to mid thirties and lack of hygiene, not leaving the house ever and lacking basic manners does not align with my value system, especially at our age. 
 

I kind of see this as a red flag, as “birds of a feather flock together”. But I’ve also heard that I’m “not dating his friends” so can I get some input from you? My friends aren’t perfect but if they started exhibiting these behaviours all the time I would distance myself at least. Not go visit them 5-6 nights a week. 
 

Im posting because this has not subsided in over a year and I am a bit concerned as my boyfriend is gaining weight, and if we were to ever move in together I don’t think we’d be compatible if we were to host a BBQ or something. 
 

thank you for any help!! 

Edited October 10, 2022 by glamtran

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, glamtran said:

I do have concerns about his friends that he gets together with almost nightly after work. If these people are not working (when they have jobs) they are either sleeping or playing video games and smoking weed.
 

I kind of see this as a red flag, as “birds of a feather flock together”.

His friends are not the issue. Yes it's a 'birds of a feather' issue. How old is he? Your BF has habits that you find incompatible with your values. So observe how long you want put up with this.

[S2B]

I’d be concerned - mid thirties… every day spending time this way.

at first I thought you must be describing teenagers 😳

I would end it and start dating someone that has some better plans/goals/ideas about his future - present day as well.

Edited October 10, 2022 by S2B

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, glamtran said:

Im posting because this has not subsided in over a year and I am a bit concerned as my boyfriend is gaining weight, and if we were to ever move in together I don’t think we’d be compatible if we were to host a BBQ or something. 

Huh? What does this have to do with the fact that he spends almost everyday with friends that are are do-nothing slobs who smoke weed? That just took a left turn for me - 

As to your initial question, we are the company that we keep. That said, if I’m in my thirties and that my boyfriend prefers to hang out with his mates and game/smoke weed almost everyday rather than spend time with me, well - thats not something that I would chose for my life. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[glamtran]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? 

34…..

[glamtran]

33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Huh? What does this have to do with the fact that he spends almost everyday with friends that are are do-nothing slobs who smoke weed? That just took a left turn for me - 

Sorry, I guess I should have clarified. For example, if we were to move in together and have people over for an event or dinner I would be very uncomfortable with these kinds of folk in my home. Does that make more sense? 

[S2B]

You two aren’t a good match. Just be done with him.

You can’t expect him to change. Change comes when you implement it.

[Foxhall]

He will appreciate and it will help your relationship if you dont judge him too harshly on this,

he needs his man time too or his chance to chill out in an environment where he is relaxed,

you dont want to come across as a fun killer,

in saying that, you are justified to request that he should spend more of the time with you and less on the above. he will eventually adapt to relationship mode but needs a bit of directing.

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, glamtran said:

Sorry, I guess I should have clarified. For example, if we were to move in together and have people over for an event or dinner I would be very uncomfortable with these kinds of folk in my home. Does that make more sense? 

What does he say when you tell him how you feel about his friends and their habits?  If you don't like them why are you asking your bf to take you to visit at their places?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, glamtran said:

Sorry, I guess I should have clarified. For example, if we were to move in together and have people over for an event or dinner I would be very uncomfortable with these kinds of folk in my home. Does that make more sense? 

Yes. And, I would agree. 

[Lotsgoingon]

If he hangs with these folks, then he IS these folks. You're describing it as if the problem is the friends he hangs out with. But HE is doing the hanging. 

In other words, a gf of one of these guys could just as easily be writing somewhere that her bf hangs with these bunch of guys with seemingly teenage hobbies. 

If you think your bf is NOT like the people he hangs with, then you really need to think again. Why would you want to date a guy who hangs like this? BTW: dating IS about judgment. You don't apologize for your judgement. Some people want to partner with people who read books. Or who like to travel. Nothing wrong with that. You have to own your preferences.

Edited October 11, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[glamtran]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

What does he say when you tell him how you feel about his friends and their habits?  If you don't like them why are you asking your bf to take you to visit at their places?

Well he says he isn’t too bothered by them and enjoys the games. And ditching his friends and getting new ones is scary. 
 

and I guess I was trying to show him that I’m trying to not be too judgy and extend the olive branch a bit by suggesting we go visit. Also I was kind of testing him to see if that was an option and sure enough because their place is filthy and I think he’s embarrassed I guess it isn’t. 

[S2B]

I just think that long term compatibility with this guy isn’t looking good.

[Gaeta]

You're not talking about what you're looking for with this man but if it's a family and a house with a white picket fence, forget about it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, glamtran said:

I am a bit concerned as my boyfriend is gaining weight

How is this related to his slacker friends?

Unless you are starting to see that your boyfriend is not taking care of himself anymore either - is that the case? 

[CollinW]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Huh? What does this have to do with the fact that he spends almost everyday with friends that are are do-nothing slobs who smoke weed? That just took a left turn for me - 

Maybe it exhibits how this slacker lifestyle is manifesting itself in his everyday life. Sitting around on his ass smoking and eating taco bell and not being active. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, glamtran said:

 I would be very uncomfortable with these kinds of folk in my home. Does that make more sense? 

Don't move in together. You could end up being mom to a 34 year old child and his equally immature self-centered friends.

Step away from this and reflect if this is worthwhile pursuing if you already need to fix and change him and his people.

[Will am I]

10 hours ago, S2B said:

at first I thought you must be describing teenagers 😳

Same here. The mental picture that was forming in my head while reading OP was a group of young guys, college age.

 

11 hours ago, glamtran said:

Im posting because this has not subsided in over a year and I am a bit concerned as my boyfriend is gaining weight, and if we were to ever move in together I don’t think we’d be compatible if we were to host a BBQ or something. 

This BBQ thing reflects that your BF doesn't fit into the social life that you would want to have with your life partner. If he's not the kind of guy you want to show to your friends and family, maybe that's all you need to know.

[glamtran]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How is this related to his slacker friends?

Unless you are starting to see that your boyfriend is not taking care of himself anymore either - is that the case? 

Yes that’s correct. And thank you. 

[stillafool]

You are going to have to let him go if you expect to be happy.  He isn't giving up his friends for you, nor should he.  You guys are just not compatible.  If you are in your 30s and want a family you don't have time to waste on a guy who still acts like he's in his early 20s.  He may mature sooner or later but you don't have time to wait to find out.

[BrinnM]

5-6 days a week is a little excessive; otherwise I would’ve said ok, they’re his friends, and they get together occasionally. No big deal. But the frequency is concerning (almost sounds a little addictive), it’s not age appropriate, and TBH who has time for this? It would certainly bother me if I had a BF who lived this lifestyle. It does sound loser-ish (and he calls it that himself, which means he knows he’s wasting his time with them). I’m surprised he doesn’t have any ambition to do something productive and meaningful in his spare time. I’m also wondering if these are old friends from Highschool/college, or more recent friendships. You can cut somebody some slack if they have a friend group they pretty much grew up with, even if you would consider some of the people losers or whatever. 5-6 days/week would still be excessive even under these circumstances. 
I’m not telling you to break up, but I definitely recommend a serious talk about expectations & what his future perspectives/plans are. At 34, he’s wasting away his life, while he could be busy building something.  

[glows]

I’m firmly of the mind that when you date or marry someone you’re also adopting that person’s family and friends. You cannot separate or attempt to separate someone from their support, even if barely looks like support to you. You mentioned that he does see them regularly, daily even. He may even see them more than he sees you. This is his chosen family and the people he either passively chooses to fall in with or a group of people he wants to spend the majority of his free time with. 

It’s only a year but the gaps or differences in your lifestyle will become more apparent with time. It’s not only about being unsure of having his friends over. It’s his energy levels and motivation to do other things. How motivated does he seem now to try new activities with you? Regardless of what this is and if you’re not ready to let go then date and live separately for awhile longer. 

Of course all of this also involves knowing yourself. You’ll have to be more truthful with yourself about what you want out of life and what you see yourself doing with your partner, or what life you wish to build. All this starts with knowing yourself.

I want to mention one silver lining and positive here. He hasn’t lied and hidden his lifestyle or his friends, gone behind your back or lied to you about where he is. You are seeing him exactly as is. Choose wisely.

Edited October 11, 2022 by glows

[smackie9]

This is all about lifestyle. To some who share this lifestyle would be ok with it. Sounds like you need a man, not a man child. You want marriage, children, a house someday? This guy sounds like he's barely out of high school. This is an incompatibility issue. Sure you like or even love the guy, but never let that get in the way of what is best for you. I wouldn't "wait and see" if things are going to change. What you see is what you get. Don't invest another minute of your time on this one. 

[Els]

Values aside, I think it's reasonable to expect that most people in serious LTRs wouldn't be spending literally almost every night with their buddies, especially in their mid 30s. How do you two even spend time together if your partner is spending all night every night with his friends?

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Values aside, I think it's reasonable to expect that most people in serious LTRs wouldn't be spending literally almost every night with their buddies, especially in their mid 30s. How do you two even spend time together if your partner is spending all night every night with his friends?

Agree.