DUMPED TWICE by the SAME GUY

[bfrankie]

So, i was dumped twice by the same guy.

We dated for 2 years, we lived together and we recently adopted two cats.
He was and is my first love, my first serious relationship. He is smart, hardworking and he literaly can do everything. He always made me proud of him and i always supported him.

When we started dating we was caring and loving. Few months passed and i started notincing things that I’d never seen before, like he was hugging me less and he was more focused on his work and his career. I’ve never said anything, bc i’d thought it was normal.
He started talking to me less about his feelings he was getting ice cold, i asked him about this and he said: we can only count on ourselves.

He comes from a very wealthy and known family and I always admired him for his humbleness. But then he started saying: “oh well, its important to be friends with important people, bc the know what true success and happiness is.”.

Again i thought this was normal.

Our relationship changed, we were fighting a lot, doing less stuff together and we were living together.
You know what he said to me? Well, i think we moved to fast i need you to move out.

And you know what i did? I listen to him, while i should break up with him, but i stayed bc i was in love.

Months passed and we break up officially for the first time.

Our first break up was in may and was caused by to many arguments and fights, but we parted ways amicably. He said let’s be friend and those s***. He kicked me out of the house but at least the next day he confronted me

We didn’t contact each other for a month, then i texted him for getting some stuff back and it was like nothing ever happend. I saw him changed and he was saying that thanks to me he understand how to be in a relationship.
We cried a lot and we decided to give one last shot.

Our second time it was great, we didn’t fight everyday and we used to go out and enjoy our summer and our time together. And we were happy or at least i thought so.
He even introduce me to his dad’s rich friends as his “fiancè”…well he even said that i need to behave well and not to embaressed him in front of everyone.

As stupidi it sound i was happy and i loved him and he was happy and loved me too.

This lasted till last week.
He started night school and work… and i get that it busy, but i realised that he was never there for me: i got covid and i was quarantined and my friends texted me more than him.
We fought three times in these months and it always was for dumb reasons and i always felt it was my fault and maybe truly it was.
Maybe i offended him, even though i never screamed and i was cautious with my words.

Monday he telling me: i love you, i miss you.
Tuesday he calls me super happy with a good news saying that he was chosen as a member for like an important foundation in our country. I was happy for him, i truly was but he works till late and then he had school till eleven.
I was concerned for him so i said: “i’m happy for you but when we try to do so many things we end up doing nothing”. He got so mad and he replied: “well i’m not like you who can’t even finished collage.”

He didn’t spoke to me for days, i called him on Friday and texted him. He dind’t replied.

I called him Sunday and he said we have nothing more to say. He dumped me with a phone call.
He was cold as ice and he talked like he was firing an employee.

He said: “things don’t work, i’m too busy for a relationship and yeah i treat you badly and you bring out the worst out of me”. He didn’t have the courage and the respect to tell this in my face.

I was never important for him and he blamed everything on me. Maybe it truly was my fault.

I gave this guy everything: i paid for his groceries, droved till his house every weekend, i cooked, i cleaned his freaking house and he “fired me”.

 

Now here comes the worst part.

I want to move on, i want to find a guy who treats me as a princess, who makes ME his priority.

BUT why i want this as**ole back? Why? Why i have this feeling that he will come back and i will take him back bc i’m dumb and naive?

Plus tommorow his is birthday, should i wish him happy birthday.

Even my feelings are mixed: i cry and then i feel nothing. I try to convice myself that he was narcissist or it was my fault?

Please i need some advice, sorry for my bad english and for the long post.

[S2B]

I hope you will find someone who treats you right - it’s not him.

no, do not reach out to wish him happy birthday. Block him - so YOU can move forward and find a guy who respects you.

[Wiseman2]

.

Edited October 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, bfrankie said:

 BUT why i want this as**ole back? Why? Why i have this feeling that he will come back and i will take him back bc i’m dumb and naive?

 Unfortunately you don't respect each other at all. How old is he? How long were you dating when you moved in? When did you move out? 

When he asked you to move out it was the end,so he didn't dump you twice. You two just continued to drag things out and fight too much.

Unfortunately it seems you're incompatible and always have been and tried to force fit things by moving in together.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  Do not try to reignite this yet again by contacting him for his birthday. 

Free yourself so you can move forward and find someone more suited for you. Stop chasing him if you two can't get along.

Edited October 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[bfrankie]

50 minutes ago, S2B said:

I hope you will find someone who treats you right - it’s not him.

no, do not reach out to wish him happy birthday. Block him - so YOU can move forward and find a guy who respects you.

Thank you!

[bfrankie]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Unfortunately you don't respect each other at all. How old is he? How long were you dating when you moved in? When did you move out? 

When he asked you to move out it was the end,so he didn't dump you twice. You two just continued to drag things out and fight too much.

Unfortunately it seems you're incompatible and always have been and tried to force fit things by moving in together.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  Do not try to reignite this yet again by contacting him for his birthday. 

Free yourself so you can move forward and find someone more suited for you. Stop chasing him if you two can't get along.

Actually we moved in together real fast. At the beginning he was really caring and stuff.

Even the second time.

I did and I do really love this guy, but if we can’t communicate properly that’s not a good start.

And how can i just remove everything like nothing happened? How? I mean i said just the worst parts but we had good memories too.

I get it blocking is the best way but i just can’t. Even though it’s not what i need, deep down i want him back.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, bfrankie said:

 You know what he said to me? Well, i think we moved to fast i need you to move out.

Unfortunately the issues do seem to be too much too soon and incompatibilities.

Moving out is the end of the relationship, not a variation of it. 

Try to move forward. 

[BrinnM]

4 hours ago, bfrankie said:

Plus tommorow his is birthday, should i wish him happy birthday.

Hard no.

[Amy4love]

Quote

If someone mistreats you, remember that it’s not your fault. The person who is mistreating you is the one whose words, intentions, or actions are in the wrong. Don’t burden yourself as it’s not your fault at all. But it’s your fault if you continue to let this happen. So ask yourself this, “Why am I letting my partner treat me badly?”

If he has dumped you twice, he would definitely do that again and again, do you know why? He feels you own him the gratitude of being with you, and he would always prey on your naivety. During most of my early dating years, I was drawn to guys who treated me badly and learned to settle for less than I deserved from relationships.

Truth be told, my divorce was the catalyst that showed me that I was attracting partners who were at a similar level of woundedness and didn’t know how to go about attracting a healthy, loving partner. Before you can begin to build successful relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem, which means believing in yourself. One of the key things to consider is: how do you treat yourself? No one will treat you with respect if you devalue yourself. You must rid yourself of self-defeating thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “No one will ever love me” if you want to build relationships based on love, trust, and intimacy. If you put up with bad treatment, that tells your partner that you don't respect yourself. You show him that you believe you're only worthy of the unacceptable way he treats you. And each time you go back and forgive him, you reinforce his bad behavior. 

So move on with your life and seek for true love that you're destine to have.

And Always seek for partners that would respect you, love you and bring the best in you. These are all quality found in your true soulmate, take the time to read this in my blog site

 

 

Edited October 11, 2022 by Amy4love

[BrinnM]

Well, as I understand it when I read this: He’s a very busy guy, and he feels like you’re “below” him somehow, in terms of career, education, and maybe income. This may lead to him looking “down” at you. Which is never good in a relationship. There must be a balance. Also – since he’s under a lot of time pressure it seems you may have complained too much about not being together enough and not spending enough time together etc. etc. This puts a partner under pressure especially if they’re focused on a career and building something, & nobody wants a partner who is not supportive and puts even more pressure on them. 
I feel like you guys are not compatible because you want different things. He may love you and he may come back but I don’t know if I would give him a third chance to be honest. Twice is enough. Kicking you out of his house is callous. 

When you say you love him what do you mean? If he didn’t particularly treat you well, what’s in it for you? What specifically makes you feel love for this person?

[glows]

I don’t think he considers you his equal. The core fundamental truth frankly is he doesn’t respect you because you likely don’t have the same background, number of degrees or don’t behave in the same way his family trained him to think/act/behave. At the core of this also remember that he seems close to his family or parents and these are the individuals who raised him and likely speak to him in exactly the same way. Think twice about the type of family you’re getting involved as his parents or connections are permanent.

You may be a strongly independent person and accomplished in your own right, you may be able to pay your own bills and are financially responsible but he does not look at you the same way. You clean, cook, care for the home and show your strong support. You even worry about him studying until late at night.

Telling you not to embarrass him at a gathering with his family sounds like he’s speaking to a child or someone of lesser intellect and limited understanding. It’s controlling at worst, speaks of complete incompatibility and disrespect at best. He doesn’t respect you or trust that you can hold your own. Is it warranted? Have you acted out or been so frustrated with the relationship that you feel powerless and worthless? Why then continue on with this? 

Lastly I want to touch on his lifestyle or what he’s doing. Whatever he’s doing it doesn’t mean you can’t do for yourself. Do you admire him for his skill or dedication studying and working? Figure out what you want with your life and do it yourself or do what makes you feel good. You don’t need to live vicariously through him. Pursue your own dreams. Live your own life without possibly wishing after his, wanting what he has or what his family is like. You go out and do it yourself. I hope this offers at least some food for thought. 

[bfrankie]

1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

Well, as I understand it when I read this: He’s a very busy guy, and he feels like you’re “below” him somehow, in terms of career, education, and maybe income. This may lead to him looking “down” at you. Which is never good in a relationship. There must be a balance. Also – since he’s under a lot of time pressure it seems you may have complained too much about not being together enough and not spending enough time together etc. etc. This puts a partner under pressure especially if they’re focused on a career and building something, & nobody wants a partner who is not supportive and puts even more pressure on them. 
I feel like you guys are not compatible because you want different things. He may love you and he may come back but I don’t know if I would give him a third chance to be honest. Twice is enough. Kicking you out of his house is callous. 

When you say you love him what do you mean? If he didn’t particularly treat you well, what’s in it for you? What specifically makes you feel love for this person?

Actually no, it was fine for me seeing each other during the weekends. I've always supported him, even if that meant spending less time together. 

I helped him with doing his homework, cleaning and stuff... he doesn't like to be helped.

When i was with him I felt safe and while we had our ups and down we enjoyed each other company and spending quality time. As weird as it sound, i love him bc its him, and even though he always acts like what "normal things and feelings" doesn't affect him, he was sweet and caring.

[stillafool]

What do you do all day when he's busy going to school and working?  Why do you have so much time on your hands to constantly worry about this guy?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, bfrankie said:

I helped him with doing his homework, cleaning and stuff... he doesn't like to be helped.

Unfortunately this is smothering. So all you can do is live and learn and don't move in with someone in a rushed manner then start being a homemaker. It's way too much too soon and suffocating. Redirect your energy into improving your life, profession, education, interests and things you would like to achieve rather than doing this type of stuff.

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, bfrankie said:

I gave this guy everything: i paid for his groceries, droved till his house every weekend, i cooked, i cleaned his freaking house and he “fired me”.

STOP doing these things, men do not want nor need you to do these things. 

Want he wanted and needed was for you to accept him, not take everything he did or didn't do so personally and most of all, stop fighting with him! 

That's why he ended it.  In your eyes, he didn't spend enough time with you, pay you enough attention, make you his no. 1 priority 27/7, treat you like a "princess."

In turn, you felt hurt, offended and would fight with him, creating drama.

I'm NOT suggesting he was a perfect boyfriend who bears no responsibility, but look within, introspect, and own your role in the demise, it takes TWO.  

Learn a different way of communicating and interacting with men/boyfriends otherwise I can almost guarantee none of them will stick around.  Fighting never resolves anything, to the contrary it destroys. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out, good luck moving forward. 

[bfrankie]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What do you do all day when he's busy going to school and working?  Why do you have so much time on your hands to constantly worry about this guy?

I attend law school and i work as an accountant.

[bfrankie]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

STOP doing these things, men do not want nor need you to do these things. 

Want he wanted and needed was for you to accept him, not take everything he did or didn't do so personally and most of all, stop fighting with him! 

That's why he ended it.  In your eyes, he didn't spend enough time with you, pay you enough attention, make you his no. 1 priority 27/7, treat you like a "princess."

In turn, you felt hurt, offended and would fight with him, creating drama.

I'm NOT suggesting he was a perfect boyfriend who bears no responsibility, but look within, introspect, and own your role in the demise, it takes TWO.  

Learn a different way of communicating and interacting with men/boyfriends otherwise I can almost guarantee none of them will stick around.  Fighting never resolves anything, to the contrary it destroys. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out, good luck moving forward. 

thank you!

[bfrankie]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is smothering. So all you can do is live and learn and don't move in with someone in a rushed manner then start being a homemaker. It's way too much too soon and suffocating. Redirect your energy into improving your life, profession, education, interests and things you would like to achieve rather than doing this type of stuff.

but this is weird... i mean he doesn't like to be helped but at the same time he wanted to.

I will try and do so.

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, bfrankie said:

I attend law school and i work as an accountant.

It sounds like you have enough on your plate.  Where do you find the time to do all of those things for him while working a full time job and going to school?  You can't nice him into wanting you.  I'm sorry  but it sounds like he just keeps you around and takes you for granted.  Don't be surprised if he dumps you again.  I think you should redirect all of the attention you are giving him back to yourself.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

You're over-giving and you're over-compromising.  Can we say mommy here? You don't want to act like someone's mother. Who wants to date their mother? And the relationship splits (psychologically) into one person being the adult (you) and one person acting immature in the role of a child (bf). The first person becomes perpetually frustrated with the second person. 

Also, the smothering and mothering thing just kills sexual passion sex drive. And kills romantic passion. 

You got to work on staying in your lane. And then partnering with someone who stays in their lane. And if it turns out that your two lanes intersect well together, then you get together.  But right now you are stepping out of the car, crossing over to the other side of the road, flagging him down and hopping in his car going in the opposite direction.  

This guy is giving you a gift by dumping you. It's time for you to stop all the smothering, which btw is a form of hiding (let me not focus on me and my goals but on you) and also a form of neglecting yourself (let me help you). 

You wanna get with someone who does not need your help, does not need you to fix their thinking.

[ExpatInItaly]

This man has no respect for you. 

You two are not going to wind up together. He doesn't see you the way you see him, and a relationship can neve work like that. You pander to him to get him to love you, but he just doesn't. And you know what? It's better that way. He's not a decent person. 

Do not wish him happy birthday. Do not reach out to him anymore. You need to get used to not having him in your life, and you also need to work on your self-respect. You've lost it somewhere along the way here. When you feel good about yourself, you won't tolerate a man who demeans you and condescends to you the way this one did. 

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

So when it comes to love, women should be a little stingy, is that correct? Let the men pamper you?

Like women, men are different in what they want.  Imagine your reaction if someone said that women want to be treated in similar ways. 

I think it's more about understanding the love language of the person you're with and hoping it works with your love language.   That said, if someone appreciates acts of service, I don't think that being their domestic servant/tutor is the way to go.  Better to do sporadic thoughtful things for them.  Fix the toilet, hem the trousers, cook a nice dinner, program the new TV