Any rules to dating divorced people?

[Charym88]

I (34f) started dating a divorced man (48) a year after his divorce but I feel like he still misses his wife.  It started off great like most relationships do.  He even told me he loved me first but now he doesn’t say it at all even if I tell him first.  He has opened his doors to me, I can pretty much go over his  place whenever I want.  
 

We ran into his daughter and ex-wife early on in our relationship.  He didn’t expect us to meet that way and neither did I but we just called it divine timing like it was meant to happen.  So later on, when his daughter which is 7 would come over, I would go home because we felt it was too soon but recently I was there while she was over.  He said there is no sense in me going home and that things happen for a reason.  
 

We have known eachother for over 2 years but only dated for 3 months and no I didn’t have anything to do with his divorce.  We are co-workers.  But, now he seems less interested in me but still wants me around him everyday.  It just doesn’t sit right with me that he wants to live together but doesn’t tell me he love me at all anymore.  We barely even get intimate anymore.  It’s like this is the fastest I ever seen a honeymoon phase die down. 
Now I’m worried, is this because he may miss his wife? She was the one who filed for divorce and to my understanding she would come and go before she finally left for good with his younger daughter.  The reason I received was that she didn’t get along with this mother and older daughter (24). 
 

He and his older daughter which is 24  started to treat me poorly this last week as well.  I want to walk away but don’t want any awkwardness at work.  Every day at work there’s a team of less than 10 people so we’re bound to work very closely to one another.  
 

I just want to ask should I be more patient with him being that he is recovering from a divorce?  Are there any rules to dating divorced people?  I’m so confused and I’m new to all of this.  I have no children as well and was open to accepting his children and never having my own for my own personal reasons but was open to having (1) child with him if things went well which they aren’t.  
 

I feel so lost and heartbroken please help me

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Charym88 said:

He and his older daughter which is 24  started to treat me poorly this last week as well.

Do you have examples or can you describe the situation? How are they treating you poorly?

Do you both have disagreements and what are they about? 

Be careful using each other to avoid loneliness. You may be hanging on to something out of fear rather than love. I suggest you keep your home and spend more time at home to collect your thoughts. You don’t always have to make yourself available to him and avoid being the caregiver. You can’t be the one giving endlessly and not receiving the same in return. 

I’m not sure what you mean by treating you poorly and if this is an abusive and disrespectful relationship. I wouldn’t stay for any of that. I’d like to hear more details.

Regarding your workplace, if you choose to end this just be professional at work and keep your distance. There’s no need for awkwardness. Trust yourself a bit more.

 

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, Charym88 said:

but doesn’t tell me he love me at all anymore.  We barely even get intimate anymore.  It’s like this is the fastest I ever seen a honeymoon phase die down.

One year is usually considered the absolute minimum time after a divorce that people need to wait before starting a new relationship, but this is often not enough and it could take several years. Personally I think that two should be considered the minimum. And since you say that his wife filed against his wishes, I think it's safe to say that he's not over her/it. 

Regardless, his unwillingness to say ILU and the diminishing intimacy at three months are probably definitive. That is a fast cycle. Most people don't even say ILU for the first three months –– how long had you been dating when he said it the first time? 

Sorry, but I don't believe that this one was meant to be. Cut losses and don't worry too much about work. Just be professional. 

[Charym88]

11 hours ago, glows said:

Do you have examples or can you describe the situation? How are they treating you poorly?

Do you both have disagreements and what are they about? 

Be careful using each other to avoid loneliness. You may be hanging on to something out of fear rather than love. I suggest you keep your home and spend more time at home to collect your thoughts. You don’t always have to make yourself available to him and avoid being the caregiver. You can’t be the one giving endlessly and not receiving the same in return. 

I’m not sure what you mean by treating you poorly and if this is an abusive and disrespectful relationship. I wouldn’t stay for any of that. I’d like to hear more details.

Regarding your workplace, if you choose to end this just be professional at work and keep your distance. There’s no need for awkwardness. Trust yourself a bit more.

 

Like I have an online business and I woke up for work.  I was joking around and asked him how many beers he had and his daughter immediately jumps in and tells me that he’s a grown man and can have as many beers as he wants.  Then she goes on to try to tell me how I should up the prices on my business.  Then she went on to tell me I should pay bills and I told her that I do buy food when I’m here.  Then she tells me I only buy for myself and that’s it (which isn’t true).  I felt very disrespected.  
 

The guy I’m dating treats me poorly negate he never listens to what I have to say and is always in a bad mood with me.  He’s always saying bad things and telling me how I should do things.  For example, he is always in my car alerting me about small things when I’m driving.  It’s like he’s ready to complain or cause some type of conflict.  If I want to talk about my feelings, I can’t.  He shuts it down quickly
 

Just this morning I was at home and he calls to talk which he never does.  We talk and I feel satisfied, but as soon as I forgive and see him again. He goes back to his old ways. 

[glows]

The short answer is to spend less time there and let him sort out his family or divorce/custody issues. 

It’s difficult to say why his older daughter is acting out but she seems protective of her family and her father in general being quite defensive. You may be butting in and getting involved way too quickly. 

Her behaviour is clear: she doesn’t accept you in the family. Your partner likes to tell you to do things his way. Does any of this sound like a man who’s ready to be in a relationship? I’d rethink why you’re spending so much time there. “But I love him” isn’t enough. Think about your peace of mind and your future. You have a business to run. Take care of your business and yourself. 

[basil67]

14 hours ago, Charym88 said:

Like I have an online business and I woke up for work.  I was joking around and asked him how many beers he had and his daughter immediately jumps in and tells me that he’s a grown man and can have as many beers as he wants.  Then she goes on to try to tell me how I should up the prices on my business.  Then she went on to tell me I should pay bills and I told her that I do buy food when I’m here.  Then she tells me I only buy for myself and that’s it (which isn’t true).  I felt very disrespected.  
 

The guy I’m dating treats me poorly negate he never listens to what I have to say and is always in a bad mood with me.  He’s always saying bad things and telling me how I should do things.  For example, he is always in my car alerting me about small things when I’m driving.  It’s like he’s ready to complain or cause some type of conflict.  If I want to talk about my feelings, I can’t.  He shuts it down quickly
 

Just this morning I was at home and he calls to talk which he never does.  We talk and I feel satisfied, but as soon as I forgive and see him again. He goes back to his old ways. 

Reading all of this, and your opening post, I can't understand why you're still with him.  Have you considered that this type of behaviour would likely have a major factor in his wife leaving?

[stillafool]

You're right he's not over his ex yet and you were a rebound that he's grown bored with but keeps you around for company.  Yes you should break up with him because it isn't going to get better.

[Charym88]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Reading all of this, and your opening post, I can't understand why you're still with him.  Have you considered that this type of behaviour would likely have a major factor in his wife leaving?

Yes I often wonder why she left and I think this could be why.  She barely wants his daughter around for more than 3-5 hours when she visits him.  So it’s definitely him.  He claims she was controlling which he says the same thing about me when I tell him to clean up his act.  So it’s him.  

Edited October 13, 2022 by Charym88

[Charym88]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

You're right he's not over his ex yet and you were a rebound that he's grown bored with but keeps you around for company.  Yes you should break up with him because it isn't going to get better.

Yeah I just broke up with him today.  He woke up arguing with me and insulting me and I just can’t take it no more.  The last straw was when he caused me an accident in my car today while bothering me while I was driving not to mention he told me he hates me 3 times last night and tried to cover it up in a joking way.  Also he told me he’s on a higher level than me.  I’m so done.  I would never go back now.  He thinks he can do better, he has all the opportunity in the world now.  I’m home now typing this after I drove off on him. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Charym88 said:

Yeah I just broke up with him today.  He woke up arguing with me and insulting me and I just can’t take it no more.  The last straw was when he caused me an accident in my car today while bothering me while I was driving not to mention he told me he hates me 3 times last night and tried to cover it up in a joking way.  Also he told me he’s on a higher level than me.  I’m so done.  I would never go back now.  He thinks he can do better, he has all the opportunity in the world now.  I’m home now typing this after I drove off on him. 

It certainly sounds like you did the right thing breakiing up with him.  I hope you have blocked him from contact now so he won't bother you anymore.  Blocking will help you get over this faster.