My girlfriend lost interest in me and broke up

[Reza13741]

Hi, i really need some help to digest a situation. My girlfriend and I were dating for a year and the relationship came to an end a couple of days ago.

The relationship started online, at the time i had be away from my hometown to serve my mandatory military service ( I'm from iran, and there's such an unfair rule). Everything was going smoothly, i started to like her more and it was like that she had the same feelings. After two months of being in touch, i managed to take some days off to get back to the town which meant we could finally meet in person after two month. I can tell you she was quite caring and seemed to like me a lot during this time, she stayed awake till 4 in the morning to make sure i would arrive safely in the town. We finally met, and i started developing more feelings for her. She was pretty much the same ( or at least it was my take) . For the next two month it was the same, we were talking and chatting online a lot, she was doing her best to spend time with me, i would take a couple of days off to come back and meet her.

After almost 4 or 5 month being together, life stated treating me unfairly again. My father had a severe stroke but i managed to get my exemption from the military service due to the country rules. From that point on i was able to spend more time with girlfriend since i was back in the town. I put all my loves in her, i really thought she was the one. But i gradually come to notice she was afraid of making commitment. I tried to paint a future with her, but she was like "i can never know what future holds in store. I really have deep feelings for you, and i cannot imagine not talking to you for a day, but all these things are how I'm feeling right now and i don't know about the future " 

We still had great time, but when we reached the 8th month of our relationship, i asked her to think about this relationship in a more serious way. She said she couldn't make any promises about the future. " When i think about the future, i can only picture myself, i want to make progress in my work, i want to be more independent, it just like i can't fit in a relationship there. Maybe we have a future together, maybe not. But i really don't know, i can never know how i will be feeling in the future "

Two weeks later, she hit me with a sudden break up over a text, telling something terrible happened in her life that she can't handle the relationship at the same time. She refused to explain 

I tried to be in touch, i would text her every two days to tell her i was there for her. And she finally accepted to meet me in person on my birthday. She was still reluctant to talk about the relationship and what led her to that break up. She said " i know we are not together anymore, but today I'm your girlfriend since it's your birthday" which left me with total confusion. After talking for long hours, she finally said what happened. It had to do with a family problem which was still not a good reason for breaking up at all. But i tried to understand her feelings. She said "i really love you, but it's done, we've been together for 9 month, and it was brilliant, but that's it, before you i had never had a long term relationship, so i try to be on my own to fix my problems." Her words

I couldn't really digest it. How can you be in love with somebody and still let them go easily?

and i finally conceived her to get us a second chance. We wanted to try for another 3 month , and then it was her call to continue or not. 

I should add this point that she looked emotionally unavailable, she wasn't very good with expressing her feelings from the very beginning, but when this 3 month period start, she seemed to be trying, for example, she would take the initiative to say i love you , or talk about our future.

The first two month was okay, i thought i could win her back, but she started getting cold as we were reaching the end of the period.

Two days ago, i opened this up to her, and she started crying. " Nothing has been the same to me since the initial break up. I really tried but it's like there's no chemistry between us. I really don't want to miss you, but it's not working. I've lost my interest in you. I still love you, but not how i should love you as a boyfriend. The decision to give it a second chance was wrong because now we have more memories now to forget . I wouldn't bring it up, because i feel embarrassed, since you have alway been nice and supportive to me, but i couldn't pretend anymore"

I offered to go to a therapist together but she said i don't believe in them.

We had no more choices but to break up.

Now I'm in a deep pain. Living in this country is hard enough to handle. I want to ask you if she's considered to be emotionally unavailable? Was she afraid of losing her freedom? It sounds all immature to me.

How can i handle this pain?

I know I've writing a long text, but i had to write down to make me feel better.

Please let me know what you think of my story.

 

 

 

[Foxhall]

39 minutes ago, Reza13741 said:

Was she afraid of losing her freedom?

Yes, 

Let her go and enjoy her freedom,

Im not pretending to know the culture or anything but am guessing she is feeling something of an obligation to stay with you or try to make it work with you,

but clearly her heart is not in the relationship- so you should respect that,

As for your pain- well I can understand that but in the long run there will be more suitable women for you,  so no need to get bogged down or think too deeply about the loss of one relationship- these things happen my friend!

go out enjoy your life and enjoy meeting new women,

lots of experiences ahead of you

 

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, Reza13741 said:

I want to ask you if she's considered to be emotionally unavailable?

No, I don't think so. I believe that she just didn't have the same feelings for you that you did for her. Her reluctance to open up is a reflection of her lack of her romantic interest, unfortuately. 

22 hours ago, Reza13741 said:

Was she afraid of losing her freedom?

Again, I don't really think so. I see this as a young lady who was fond of you but knew that you felt much more strongly than she did.  It seems she wanted to try but at the end of the day, she just can't manufacture feeling she doesn't have. 

It's hard, but the next time someone's words and actions don't match, you will know it's a red flag. If she were in love and had deep feelings, she wouldn't have left. It's a simple as that, even though it's a painful reality. 

[glows]

This is over. It’s not immature for her not to feel the same way about you as you do for her. My guess is she saw things about you that were not compatible over the months you dated. She let you down easy I believe and tried not to hurt you further by picking you apart. 

I am interested to know how old is she as well. You seemed quite serious about progressing the relationship “in more serious way”. What does that mean? Are you talking about marriage? She may feel it’s far too soon and you’re moving way too fast.

Out of curiosity what is your plan for yourself after the military? Are you going to university or do you have plans to work?