My Wife Wants Me to Confess to Something I Did Not do

[Reltubsirch0412]

A few months ago, I married the love of my life, after having known her for several years.

The other night I was asleep and she pulled all of the covers off my bed and woke me up. At first I thought she was playing a game. She grabbed my penis, saw that it was semi-hard (which is what happens to men when they sleep) and insisted she caught me masturbating. It was one of the most bizarre and surreal moments of my life. So much so I thought at first that it was a dream. This came out of nowhere and I had no idea what to say other than NO. She said she was hurt by my supposed actions and was going to sleep in the living room. Twenty minutes later she came back and got in bed with me. A few minutes later she said she could hear me masturbating again, even though I wasn't. We got into an argument over it. 

Until now, we've had a VERY fulfilling sex life. We have done it two to three times a day the past three weeks alone. But now she says I have a chronic problem masturbating in bed during the middle of the night, and she insists she can hear me doing it. She refuses to believe me and says she'll end this marriage unless I confess to what I did. This is somewhat strange, since she owns a vibrator and has confessed to using it on herself when I wasn't around. Nevertheless, I was not masturbating.

I have no memory of masturbating when we were in bed together (and no memory of it when I was in bed alone). None. Zero. I keep trying to reconcile how I supposedly did this when (a) I, of course, have no memory of doing it and (b) even if I was tempted to do it (which I’m not) then I would certainly never do it in bed with her nearby. Out of respect for her, for starters. So….again….I was confused about how all of this came to be….as confused as I’ve ever been about anything….and I’m desperately trying to solve this puzzle. I even Googled whether it’s possible I’m masturbating in my sleep.

But Tuesday morning she provided me with some important clues I didn’t previously have. She said she heard me pulling down my underwear band multiple times during the night and in the morning and more or less stroke myself? And that heard she heard me breathing heavily and the bed shook as I did it. And all of this was in the dark and under the covers.

After further reflection, I realized I do pull my underwear band down a few times during the night to scratch my testicles, which do itch a lot. I suppose she heard that and mistook that for me masturbating. I have even told her as recent as last week that they itch a lot.

She and I have a very active and very fulfilling sex life. My needs are met. She is the only woman I want, physically and emotionally. We’re married now. I have no need, want, or desire to do things to myself. I repeat: In a committed relationship, I have zero desire to pleasure myself. 

No matter how many times I try to tell my side of the story, she shouts me down and says she's not crazy and she's not going to have me making her believe she's crazy. I’m anguished she believes this about me and that she thinks I’m lying about it. I love her very very much, and I do not want to lose her.

I should also add she is on Ambien and Prozac for early menopause. I read that combining those drugs can cause hallucinations and delusions. But who knows?

What is the best way to handle this situation? I want to stay married to her. I love her.

[glows]

Shouting at you is not ok. Stop enabling this and please ask her to see her doctor to review her medications. The way things are going is not working. Don’t accuse her of hallucinating or insinuate she’s deluded. 

Tell her calmly you will not be repeating yourself or defending yourself anymore and you won’t be tolerating the shouting. Exit the room and don’t escalate the issue by arguing with her.

[salparadise]

I’d just say, so what- I may have scratched my balls or rearranged the package from time to time, and that’s not something you need to worry about. 

[mark clemson]

Try to explain calmly what really happened. IF someone has genuinely become delusional, sometimes there is little one can do except have them see a doctor or therapist (or do so together) and explain what's going on.

I personally would not accept a partner who has "issues" with me masturbating and "catches" me and takes an accusatory tone if I do it. (However, I concede that if I was having sex 2-3 times/day routinely I'd have little reason to do so, so I can see how you have accepted "her approach".) For better or worse this is the bed you've made. The straightforward thing to do is to attempt get her help so she can see things clearly again.