Sexless Marriage for 5 years now.

[Soxfaninfl]

July of 2022 was the 5 year mark without sex. We will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary in January. I don’t know how I’m sane to be honest. My wife is 52 and I’m 47.  My wife has Lupus and takes antidepressants. She also has no sex drive. I love her very much and don’t want leave her. She is the love of my life. I just don’t know what to fix the situation? I haven’t cheated on her and I don’t want an open marriage. I just don’t know what to do?

Edited October 14, 2022 by Soxfaninfl

[BaileyB]

Looking back at your previous posts, you made mention that you planned to leave the marriage after your son graduated. Is that still a consideration - because sadly, I don’t see anything changing.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

July of 2022 was the 5 year mark without sex. We will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary in January. I don’t know how I’m sane to be honest. My wife is 52 and I’m 47.  My wife has Lupus and takes antidepressants. She also has no sex drive. I love her very much and don’t want leave her. She is the love of my life. I just don’t know what to fix the situation? I haven’t cheated on her and I don’t want an open marriage. I just don’t know what to do?

I have a friend who has Lupus and is on heavy medication.  Her husband was also suffering from the lack of sex in their marriage.  She was exhausted all the time.  She went to her HS reunion in Texas where she saw her old HS boyfriend and ended up getting in an affair with him.  She traveled back and forth to TX for months until his wife found out and the affair ended.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

July of 2022 was the 5 year mark without sex. We will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary in January. I don’t know how I’m sane to be honest. My wife is 52 and I’m 47.  My wife has Lupus and takes antidepressants. She also has no sex drive. I love her very much and don’t want leave her. She is the love of my life. I just don’t know what to fix the situation? I haven’t cheated on her and I don’t want an open marriage. I just don’t know what to do?

Cheating and an affair will bite you in the behind eventually as you’ll only end up divided and in a worse case while you live a double life. I don’t recommend it. It’s something that requires high energy for low quality returns, feels good in the moment and terrible in the long term. Marriage, as you’ve found, is for the long term.

You’re trying to change a situation in terms of her diagnoses. You’ll both have to decide to evolve with it if you choose to stay married. I’m not proposing you stay in a sexless marriage either and a strong supporter of divorce where required whether through an abusive and dysfunctional marriage or a marriage that is no longer working with no intent on the part of both spouses to adapt or come together to show each other they’re valued etc.

What other ways does your wife make you feel valued, loved, and that your life is meaningful together?

Edited October 14, 2022 by glows

[Els]

I can definitely understand how a person with lupus wouldn't be capable of having sexual intercourse without pain. However, that doesn't mean that you can't still have intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual. How do both of you feel about sexual touching and intimacy, but without intercourse?

[salparadise]

18 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

July of 2022 was the 5 year mark without sex. We will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary in January. I don’t know how I’m sane to be honest. My wife is 52 and I’m 47.  My wife has Lupus and takes antidepressants. She also has no sex drive.

Did sex end before or after the diagnosis, and what was the timing? I'm wondering if there is a direct causal relationship. Either way, the illness gives her the moral high ground in terms of how the impasse will be perceived. If they are linked then you'll be expected to be the dutiful husband and put her needs first. But if you are certain that the sex and emotional intimacy was gone before she became ill then you may think quite differently. How does she treat you otherwise, currently? Is she respectful and appreciative? It's a tough situation, and regardless of what the cause is or isn't, making decisions is bound to be difficult. If they switch it off without such an illness then at least you're free to feel how you feel.

[giotto]

No intimacy at all? Nothing? Sex doesn't have to be PIV. Unfortunately, if you don't want a divorce or an open marriage, forget your sex life. I haven't had sex for 4 years because my relationship ended, but it isn't that difficult since I am not in a relationship. So, I can turn that part of me off. If I were in a married relationship, maybe sleeping in the same bed etc., I would find it unbearable and I couldn't really deal with that.

[central]

You've stated your limits, OP, so unless other forms of intimacy can work for you both, then I guess your only option is to develop a clandestine porn habit. Not a very satisfying option, of course, but what else is left to you?

[melka]

Divorce isn’t an option ?

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/14/2022 at 1:28 AM, S2B said:

Have you talked to her directly about this?

if so, what was her response?

Yes, I have. She basically says she has no desire. She loves me, but she has no sexual desire. She’s one of those people that can’t have sex when she’s not in the mood.  She feels bad about it, but not bad enough to do anything about it. She did mention it at her last doctor’s visit to her doctor that we hadn’t had sex in a long time. I just don’t bring it up anymore, so I’m going to consult with a sex therapist. I don’t know what else to try. She recently lost her job due to her company was downsizing, so that depressed her even more. 

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/14/2022 at 7:50 AM, BaileyB said:

Looking back at your previous posts, you made mention that you planned to leave the marriage after your son graduated. Is that still a consideration - because sadly, I don’t see anything changing.

I tried to leave, but I can’t. I just love her very much! I love everything about her except for our sex life. She’s my best friend and the love of my life. She will go thru a wall for me, and I had never experience that kind of love before not even with my ex-wife of 11 years. 

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/14/2022 at 8:16 AM, stillafool said:

I have a friend who has Lupus and is on heavy medication.  Her husband was also suffering from the lack of sex in their marriage.  She was exhausted all the time.  She went to her HS reunion in Texas where she saw her old HS boyfriend and ended up getting in an affair with him.  She traveled back and forth to TX for months until his wife found out and the affair ended.

Wow, no I haven’t cheated on my wife. Has I crossed my mind, yet but I haven’t acted on it. I’m just getting desperate after 5 years of no sex. I know what it’s like to be cheated on, my ex-wife cheated on me at the end of our marriage. I don’t want to put my wife through that pain. I could never do that. I would rather end the marriage before I cheat.

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/14/2022 at 9:13 AM, glows said:

Cheating and an affair will bite you in the behind eventually as you’ll only end up divided and in a worse case while you live a double life. I don’t recommend it. It’s something that requires high energy for low quality returns, feels good in the moment and terrible in the long term. Marriage, as you’ve found, is for the long term.

You’re trying to change a situation in terms of her diagnoses. You’ll both have to decide to evolve with it if you choose to stay married. I’m not proposing you stay in a sexless marriage either and a strong supporter of divorce where required whether through an abusive and dysfunctional marriage or a marriage that is no longer working with no intent on the part of both spouses to adapt or come together to show each other they’re valued etc.

What other ways does your wife make you feel valued, loved, and that your life is meaningful together?

Cheating is not an option for me, and I will never do it. I saw what it did to my mom when she found out that my dad was doing it. It nearly ended their marriage. My ex-wife cheated on me at the end of our 11 year marriage, so I know that pain. I wouldn’t put my wife through that. I really wouldn’t change anything else about our marriage except for the the sexual intimacy part. She is my best friend and the love of my life. I’m going to try to see a sex therapist for this problem. I don’t know what else to try?

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/14/2022 at 1:21 PM, Elswyth said:

I can definitely understand how a person with lupus wouldn't be capable of having sexual intercourse without pain. However, that doesn't mean that you can't still have intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual. How do both of you feel about sexual touching and intimacy, but without intercourse?

That has never been a problem. We hug all the time and cuddle in bed without intercourse, it just so frustrating that we never have sex!

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/14/2022 at 7:11 PM, salparadise said:

Did sex end before or after the diagnosis, and what was the timing? I'm wondering if there is a direct causal relationship. Either way, the illness gives her the moral high ground in terms of how the impasse will be perceived. If they are linked then you'll be expected to be the dutiful husband and put her needs first. But if you are certain that the sex and emotional intimacy was gone before she became ill then you may think quite differently. How does she treat you otherwise, currently? Is she respectful and appreciative? It's a tough situation, and regardless of what the cause is or isn't, making decisions is bound to be difficult. If they switch it off without such an illness then at least you're free to feel how you feel.

No, she had the lupus diagnosis a few years back before the sex drought began. She is a good wife and loving to me. She is thoughtful and always take the time to send me e-cards. She tells me that she loves me and we kiss everyday. She hugs me when I had a bad day and comforts me. She is respectful and appreciative of everything that I do it’s just sex is dormant from the bedroom.

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/15/2022 at 10:18 AM, giotto said:

No intimacy at all? Nothing? Sex doesn't have to be PIV. Unfortunately, if you don't want a divorce or an open marriage, forget your sex life. I haven't had sex for 4 years because my relationship ended, but it isn't that difficult since I am not in a relationship. So, I can turn that part of me off. If I were in a married relationship, maybe sleeping in the same bed etc., I would find it unbearable and I couldn't really deal with that.

We hug and kiss daily. We also cuddle, but there is no sex of any type (oral for her or myself or any intercourse). Yeah it sucks! When I see her naked, I want to go to her and make love to her. It’s very frustrating!

[Soxfaninfl]

On 10/15/2022 at 10:44 AM, central said:

You've stated your limits, OP, so unless other forms of intimacy can work for you both, then I guess your only option is to develop a clandestine porn habit. Not a very satisfying option, of course, but what else is left to you?

I look at prom almost daily and masturbate. I’m tired of looking at porn, I want the real thing. I want to know what it’s like to make love to a women again. It’s just so frustrating!

[Soxfaninfl]

22 hours ago, melka said:

Divorce isn’t an option ?

I’ve been through a divorce, and it was very painful. I don’t want to put my wife through that pain. My ex-wife left me after 11 years of marriage. I love my wife very much, and I can’t imagine my life without her. I know that love like hers is rare as I had never experienced it with my first wife or with any women that I dated between my first and 2nd wife. I obviously felt it for my first wife, but obviously she didn’t for me and left me.

Honestly, I don’t want to have to start over for a 2nd time. I would have a lot to lose. I’m the one who would have to move since our home belongs to my wife (she owned it when I met her). Also, my wife just lost her job and really wouldn’t be able to support herself financially. I’m also afraid that I may not find someone that loves me like my wife does. I realize now that her love for me is rare, and that would be very hard to replace. I dated 8 women between marriages. My wife also will never leave me like my first wife did or any women after that. She is a Christian and takes her marriage vows very seriously and still does to this day, and I do too. I would feel terrible if I gave up on her because she hasn’t given up on me. I came with a lot of baggage from my previous marriage, and I had an 9 year old sone when she met me almost 8 years ago. I have a lot to thank her for because of her my son turned out fine thanks to her helping me raise him and helping him with his academics. My wife is very intelligent and has a 160 IQ. My ex-wife was also a problem when it came to raising my  son, we didn’t agree how how he should have been raised (50/50 custoy). My wife hung in there with me and helped me fincinally when she made 250K a year to pay for the lawyers and to take my ex-wife to court. I’m the bread winner now since I make 110K, and she was only making 75K at her last job. She changed her career due to her health issues and became a copywriter and works remotely.

[Els]

40 minutes ago, Soxfaninfl said:

That has never been a problem. We hug all the time and cuddle in bed without intercourse, it just so frustrating that we never have sex!

I don't just mean hugging and cuddling, though (although that is part of it, and it's a good sign!). I was also referring to sexual touching, oral, toys, hands, etc. There are lots of things that fall within the realm of "sex" but don't involve vaginal intercourse - otherwise lesbian and gay folks would never have "sex".

Look, PIV is nice and all, but realistically speaking, as we all get older, our bodies start to fail and that is one of the first sexual acts to become unviable. Men get ED (and not everyone can take cialis), women go through menopause and get thinning of vaginal walls, so on and so forth. If you are relying on PIV to have "sex", you are going to be not having sex a lot earlier in life than a couple who has a broader meaning of sex. Yes 52 is probably a bit early for that to happen, but not extremely early. I think that experimenting more with other forms of sex would be essential for a lifelong partnership.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Is kissing painful? Hugging? Oral sex? Touching? People can be highly sexual without causing pain to either.  Sorry, I'm not convinced her illness is the issue here. She may be hiding her distance from you (or discomfort from physical closeness) behind the wall of the condition.

You strike me as split: on the one hand your wife is the most wonderful person in the world. On the other hand, you're starved for sex. Sounds like you dismiss your sexual desire for her based on her being so perfect. Having a condition does not give us permission to withdraw from our partners. 

This is where I'm wondering if you're splitting--making her an asexual angel in your mind. 

How about you two people get together for a conversation about some physical intimacy that doesn't have to be intercourse? How about asking her to do some work on herself to clear out the blocks she has (or to air the complaints she has) that are blocking intimacy.

On andi-depressants, doctors know very well about the sexual side effects of particular depression meds, and they know how to adjust meds to limit those side effects. Not all depression meds kill sexual desire.  Your wife can raise this issue with her doctor. And you can raise the issue with her.

You don't need to see the sex therapist. SHE needs to go see the sex therapist ... or you and she need to go. You just need a good regular therapist who will help find your voice and power to talk to your wife about this--because right now it seems you are too terrified to do so. 

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

Wow, no I haven’t cheated on my wife. Has I crossed my mind, yet but I haven’t acted on it. I’m just getting desperate after 5 years of no sex. I know what it’s like to be cheated on, my ex-wife cheated on me at the end of our marriage. I don’t want to put my wife through that pain. I could never do that. I would rather end the marriage before I cheat.

I said that to let you know that this woman (my friend) has severe lupus also to the point she needs a pill to get out of bed in the morning.  Yet, she found the strength and energy to travel back and forth to TX from L.A. to have sex with another man but wouldn't have sex with her husband.  I wasn't suggesting that YOU should cheat.  

[lovesbooks]

Get some referrals to specialists who work with married couples.  Doctors and others in the "medical" professions don't concern themselves with the fact that what they prescribe is ruining your marriage.  I was prescribed medication during my marriage that made me unable to reach a climax.  I told the doctor he had to prescribe something else, or I was going elsewhere.  Your marriage is yours and hers to work on together.  She's missing out too.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

She’s my best friend and the love of my life. She will go thru a wall for me

But apparently not give you a hand job. Or oral sex. Or anything else. 

I’m not trying to be unkind, I just find it odd that you say she would go thru a wall for you but she won’t do some relatively simple things that would bring you pleasure. Let’s be honest, women do this all the time when they are not able to have sex during their period or when they don’t want to have sex. It’s not a huge ask, but it is a risky venture if she doesn’t want sex and she fears it will lead to other things. And while I would say that I don’t understand what it is to have a chronic illness and perhaps be later in life and sexual desire is decreased by medications or decreasing hormones, I find it hard that she loves you but she can’t bring herself to do one thing that would bring you pleasure…

6 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

She recently lost her job due to her company was downsizing, so that depressed her even more. 

Interesting choice of words. Is she on medication or seeing a counsellor to help with the depression?

6 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

I just don’t bring it up anymore, so I’m going to consult with a sex therapist.

I’m curious as to how that will go. You may be the only person who goes to a sex therapist alone. 

6 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

she had the lupus diagnosis a few years back before the sex drought began.

I have a friend who has lupus. It was terrible at first before they found the right meds for her. She lost kidney function and had to be on dialysis and have a kidney transplant. She still has her challenges, I don’t want to dismiss the challenge of living with a chronic illness. That said, she got pregnant and had a child after her kidney transplant. She lives a regular life, works, raises her child, travels, and maintains a strong marriage. She hasn’t let it stop her from living her life - she is more resilient than I am. 

You seem like a very nice man. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this, and I’m sorry that there does not seem to be much of a solution. 

Edited October 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

You both will have to communicate better if you want to stay together, OP. Fear of the unknown or starting over is not an excuse to stay in relationship that isn’t working either. Talk about it more and have more give and take. Put your money where your mouth is so to speak and actually show each other you care or want more and what you want out of the relationship. 

[giotto]

From what I've read, you never bring it up and it's been 5 years now, so, your wife probably thinks you mind a bit but it's not the end of the world and you'll be ok, because you love her, even with no sex.Your only solution is to suggest she helps you with your sexual urges in a non-penetrative way, so you can have some relief. A loving wife would do this for her husband.