Sexless Marriage for 5 years now.

[FMW]

Just now, Soxfaninfl said:

guess I’m a terrible person for wanting to make love to my wife?

Wanting sex with your partner is normal.  But you are not in a "normal" situation.  Your wife has medical issues.  You are not guaranteed that health, finances, or sex will remain the same.  You either accept and adjust (if there is nothing to be done to improve the situation) or leave.  Being so frustrated that you want to force what you want on your wife, regardless of the consequences to her, is a big warning sign that you are heading for trouble.  Before you go any further down that path, divorce may be the best option.  

[Soxfaninfl]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Intercourse" is the appropriate term. If she's having medical issues with regard to libido and physical challenges, a physician for an evaluation of her mental and physical health is more appropriate, but that's up to her.

Gotcha

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Intercourse" is the appropriate term. If she's having medical issues with regard to libido and physical challenges, a physician for an evaluation of her mental and physical health is more appropriate, but that's up to her.

Try regular marriage therapy first. In the privacy and  with the professional guidance of a qualified therapist, you can at least get the conversation started about all the things that could be in the way. Trying to drag her to a sex therapist like a mechanic with "here,fix her", isn't a good approach.

I’m going to make an appointment to see a therapist to get advice on this whole situation and how to approach it and have conversations with her about it.

[Soxfaninfl]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is why starting with marriage therapy may help most.

It seems cliche, but everyone knows "not tonight dear, I have a headache", means there's anger or resentment or discord not really a headache.

I plan on it. I want to do everting possible to improve the situation. Whatever it takes. I love her very much and don’t want to end our life together.

[Soxfaninfl]

56 minutes ago, FMW said:

Wanting sex with your partner is normal.  But you are not in a "normal" situation.  Your wife has medical issues.  You are not guaranteed that health, finances, or sex will remain the same.  You either accept and adjust (if there is nothing to be done to improve the situation) or leave.  Being so frustrated that you want to force what you want on your wife, regardless of the consequences to her, is a big warning sign that you are heading for trouble.  Before you go any further down that path, divorce may be the best option.  

I guess my situation is pretty hopeless. 

[Soxfaninfl]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

You need to talk to her, of course. Make sure that medical options that might help have been considered.    

I just don’t know how to do it anymore without getting upset. 

1 hour ago, FMW said:

But my impression from everything you've written certainly doesn't lead to her being selfish for not having sex with you.  She has real and legitimate reasons.  Having low or no libido still leaves the option of going ahead and trying to provide pleasure for your partner, although honestly, I don't see why someone would want to be "serviced" by someone who had no desire.  But the main issue seems to be her disease and physical issues that make various forms of sex actually painful for her.  I most certainly don't see how you would want her to deal with the pain in order to give you want you want.

I guess I am a terrible person. 

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I know that sounds harsh, but I think seeing her as selfish for not providing you with sexual pleasure is also harsh.  

I guess your right, I am a terrible person.
 

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I'm a woman with a high sex drive, so I understand how lack of sex would be extremely frustrating.  But you have to deal with the reality of the situation.  If, as you seem to indicate, everything but sex is good in your marriage, you have to decide whether that's enough for you to end the relationship.  This is a personal decision that only you can make.  Is there a way that you can deal with the lack of sex on a permanent basis?  If there is nothing medically that can be done to change the circumstances she is in, your options are to end the marriage or to figure out how to deal with it.  A big part of that includes understanding what she is facing.  As long as you see her as selfish you are going to become more and more resentful.   

I am becoming more resentful has time goes by for the lack of sex in our marriage. It’s just eating at me and I just want to scream! I need to speak to a counselor. I’m just not in a good place right now emotionally..
 

1 hour ago, FMW said:

You need to talk and work to truly understand where the other is coming from.  Right now it doesn't sound like either of you are able to see things from the others' point of view.  

She has no idea how miserable I am. I don’t want to make her feel bad. I know that she deal with her health issues everyday. I just wish I could shut off my desire for her and my sex drive. I just want to scream!

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Soxfaninfl said:

I plan on it. I want to do everting possible to improve the situation. Whatever it takes. I love her very much and don’t want to end our life together.

No you're not a terrible person for wanting to make love to your wife.  You're still a relatively young man, you have desires and you want to be intimate with her.  This is all perfectly understandable.    However it's also understandable that chronic illness and menopause has made her lose all interest in sex and sexual activity.

The only real hope I see would be if she's exaggerating the effects of menopause and Lupus.  Do you see her struggling with pain and tiredness in her day to day life?  Or is she leading an active life with no obvious hardship?   Because if it's the former, short of a magic bullet cure for both, I can't see any solution which would be mutually enjoyable.

The only other option would be what @Wiseman2 suggested and that the cause is a fracture in the marriage.  I usually had a strong libido, but lost it twice.  The first was due to issues in the marriage.  The second one was because of menopause.  It's actually devastating to me to be in this place where I don't want sex.   Anyway, the difference between the two situations was clear.  The first time, in the fractured marriage, I still had a libido - just not with my husband. Second time with menopause, that part of me just feels dead.  

I think this sucks equally for you and your wife.

Edited November 4, 2022 by basil67

[Els]

7 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

No, nothing. She can’t give me a hand job becuase of the lupus and has issue with her hands with the lupus. Her hand fatigue very easily. Oral sex is out of the question because of she has 5 herniated disc from an out accident back in 2011.

Yeah she is self in that aspect and is not thinking of me needs. It’s very upsetting.

Wow, I had no idea her medical condition was this bad. If the lupus is severe and affects her hands, and she has herniated discs, then it's probably true that she is genuinely physically incapable of having any kind of sex with you.

What should you do with this knowledge? Well, you should start by acknowledging that sex is literally physically impossible for her. Not that she's "being selfish" or "not thinking about your needs", but literally physically impossible. Or at least, physically impossible without causing severe pain and potentially injury and worsening of her multiple medical conditions.

What does that mean for you? Of course, you can leave. If it matters so much to you that you're not having sex with her despite knowing it's physically impossible, then you probably SHOULD leave. That is a possible option for you.

You should, however, be aware that one day you will be in her position yourself, unable to have sex - and at 52, that day will likely come within the next few decades. One day you may be diagnosed with cancer and undergo multiple rounds of chemotherapy, or have a stroke and be immobilized, or have chronic heart failure and have difficulty performing the simplest tasks. When that day comes, who would you want by your side?

This is not a trick question. You may decide that having more sex now is worth the high possibility of being alone when that day comes - and that is a valid decision. Just know that, especially at older ages, there is always a tradeoff.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

 I would have to give her an ultimatum that the sex part of our marriage has to improve or our marriage will end. 

Unfortunately, ultimatums don't work. She isn't interested in sex with you and nothing you can do will change that.

Talk to an attorney privately and confidentiality about your options in divorce. Do not tell her or threaten divorce.

Talk to your therapist privately and confidentiality about your sexual discord. Do not tell her or attempt to drag her along.

You're not happy. Trying to get her to warm up to you hasn't worked in half a decade. It's time for you to decide, with the advice and information from your professionals, what you wish to do.

[BaileyB]

 

12 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

She said to me a long time about that making sure her husband is sexually satisfied is not an importance to her. This is why I need professional help to convince her

To be clear, your sex life has dwindled since you were married - sex has not been particularly important to your wife for a very long time. Add to that, your wife is depressed (and on antidepressants that are known to decrease libido) and living with two chronic health conditions (lupus and herniated discs in her neck)… with pain  and fatigue limiting her activities…

And you think dragging her to a therapist is going to convince her that she should have an interest in having sex/pleasing you is going to change her? 

Good luck with that.
 

On 11/2/2022 at 6:13 PM, Soxfaninfl said:

She loves gardening, but she finds the strength to do so from time to time.  She can’t lay there in bed for 10 minutes,’ so I can at least have sex and have an orgasm?

Apparently not.

She has made her decision and she has not been willing to negotiate with you in any way. You are trying to get water out of a stone - it hasn’t worked for many years, you need to stop wasting your time and energy. 
 

12 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

I guess I’m a terrible person for wanting to make love to my wife?

Of course not. But you are not the only person in the marriage, and your wife has clearly demonstrated that she does not want sex. Full stop. 

Understanding that basic truth about your marriage, the only thing you control here is whether you chose to go outside the marriage or whether you decide to file for divorce. Those are literally your only options, if you are not willing to settle for a sexless marriage. She is not willing to negotiate with you in any way - 

Edited November 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

Anyone who has been with or married to someone with mental health issues primarily depression, addictions and so on will tell you it’s a marriage of three or more. I’m sorry it’s not working out. 

The thought at the front of my mind is how much misery do you want to put each other through. Big picture here. The lack of sex is only the catalyst. You’re no longer compatible

[lovesbooks]

Antidepressants can kill sex drive.  Tell your wife to tell her doctor to prescribe an antidepressant that won't kill her libido (sex drive). I had to do that.  Bupropion is a better one.  Don't ever allow that from your medications.

[SCFenway]

This is going to sound cold, but I have been in your exact same situation. You say early in the thread that she "will go through a wall for me", in actuality she won't. You are suffering. She knows it, and hasn't done anything to help the situation. She knows you won't leave and ultimately she is getting what she wants/needs from the relationship even though you aren't. 5 years in this isn't going to change. Ever.

You say you can't leave, but you can. You should.

[BootsAndJeans]

I am 58 and my wife is 56. We went through 6.5 years of no sex. This was due to me fighting cancer and the effects thereof.

A loving marriage should include, but should not require sex. Health can be a legitimate reason. In our case, we were able to resume after I was cured and recovered.

If my wife could not have sex or enjoy it, for a reason of health, in no way would I want to dissolve our marriage. I married her, I love her. I did not marry her vagina.

[Will am I]

16 hours ago, BootsAndJeans said:

Health can be a legitimate reason

I think the word "reason" deserves a highlight.

 

When there's no sex, there is always a reason.

There can be so many reasons. Health problems. Hormomes. Lack of energy and fitness. Too much stress. Feeling insecure about your own body. Being turned off by physical changes in your spouse. Resentment. Being in love with someone else.

 

Some reasons are talked about, others reasons are not.

I believe that whether or not you are talking openly with your partner about the reason is the big differentiator in terms of keeping the marriage viable. Probably even more than the reason itself.

I believe when there is no sex and one spouse refuses to talk about the reason, the marriage may be doomed.

 

 

[Els]

On 11/23/2022 at 6:10 AM, BootsAndJeans said:

I am 58 and my wife is 56. We went through 6.5 years of no sex. This was due to me fighting cancer and the effects thereof.

A loving marriage should include, but should not require sex. Health can be a legitimate reason. In our case, we were able to resume after I was cured and recovered.

If my wife could not have sex or enjoy it, for a reason of health, in no way would I want to dissolve our marriage. I married her, I love her. I did not marry her vagina.

Huge props to you and your loving wife! When H and I arrive at that age, I hope we will be able to have the sort of marriage that you and your wife have. ❤️

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I ave systemic scleroderma/sjorgren's syndrome ( the autoimmune trifecta, lol). The pain and sheer exhaustion are real. I went form snorkelling in a coral reef in Belize one week to being in Belize one week t being in the hospital needing oxygen the next because my lungs got bad the next.

 

This being said,  it;s okay to talk to your wife about this in a kind and loving way. Explain why being intimate with her matters so much to you, that its not just the physical act itself but the connection. There could be ways the two of you can have that intimacy that is satisfy for you and works for her as well.

 

Bets of luck. I know its a herd road seeing someone you love hurting and you can't do much to help. Look after yourself too.

[pepperbird2]

On 11/22/2022 at 4:10 PM, BootsAndJeans said:

I am 58 and my wife is 56. We went through 6.5 years of no sex. This was due to me fighting cancer and the effects thereof.

A loving marriage should include, but should not require sex. Health can be a legitimate reason. In our case, we were able to resume after I was cured and recovered.

If my wife could not have sex or enjoy it, for a reason of health, in no way would I want to dissolve our marriage. I married her, I love her. I did not marry her vagina.

Something peo0ple often don't talk about is the hit to your self esteem that can go hand in hand with a chronic illness. There's days I hate my body and how its changed and others whne I thank whatever it is that keeps the universe humming along that I am doing as well as I am when so many are not. .

[Soxfaninfl]

On 11/22/2022 at 3:10 PM, BootsAndJeans said:

I am 58 and my wife is 56. We went through 6.5 years of no sex. This was due to me fighting cancer and the effects thereof.

A loving marriage should include, but should not require sex. Health can be a legitimate reason. In our case, we were able to resume after I was cured and recovered.

If my wife could not have sex or enjoy it, for a reason of health, in no way would I want to dissolve our marriage. I married her, I love her. I did not marry her vagina.

Our situations are not the same. You were the one that was sick. You had no desire for sex. If you were healthy and went 6 years without sex you’d be miserable. Otherwise you have low sex drive or are A-sexual. I didn’t marry my wife for her vagina, I love her and I married her because loved her. I have high blood pressure, I am over weight and diabetes and still have high sex drive. That is no my fault. That is how God made me. I can’t help my sex drive and my desire for my wife.  Don’t try to guilt for wanting to make love to my wife.

Edited December 1, 2022 by Soxfaninfl

[Soxfaninfl]

On 11/29/2022 at 3:42 PM, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

I ave systemic scleroderma/sjorgren's syndrome ( the autoimmune trifecta, lol). The pain and sheer exhaustion are real. I went form snorkelling in a coral reef in Belize one week to being in Belize one week t being in the hospital needing oxygen the next because my lungs got bad the next.

 

This being said,  it;s okay to talk to your wife about this in a kind and loving way. Explain why being intimate with her matters so much to you, that its not just the physical act itself but the connection. There could be ways the two of you can have that intimacy that is satisfy for you and works for her as well.

 

Bets of luck. I know its a herd road seeing someone you love hurting and you can't do much to help. Look after yourself too.

Today is not a good day. I just want to scream! I need to see a counselor soon. I’m just miserable! I can’t help the way I feel, I’m just so miserable right now.

[Soxfaninfl]

On 11/20/2022 at 10:04 AM, SCFenway said:

This is going to sound cold, but I have been in your exact same situation. You say early in the thread that she "will go through a wall for me", in actuality she won't. You are suffering. She knows it, and hasn't done anything to help the situation. She knows you won't leave and ultimately she is getting what she wants/needs from the relationship even though you aren't. 5 years in this isn't going to change. Ever.

You say you can't leave, but you can. You should.

Yeah I’m miserable! I just want to scream right now. I’m not in a good place right now mentally. I really need to see a counselor. I just don’t want to tell her and ruin her Christmas.

[S2B]

Then see a counselor right away.

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, Soxfaninfl said:

 I have high blood pressure, I am over weight and diabetes and still have high sex drive.

Could this be part of the equation for her loss of libido?  For better or worse, we get plenty of posts here from people who've lost attraction to their partner because of their weight.

[Soxfaninfl]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Could this be part of the equation for her loss of libido?  For better or worse, we get plenty of posts here from people who've lost attraction to their partner because of their weight.

She’s 20 pounds heavier than I am, but that doesn’t matter to me. She is still beautiful to me. I’m 5’6 and weight 200 pounds. Most of it is muscle but I need to reduce my gut still. She weights 220 and is 5’6 also. She was 160 when I met her. I’m pretty much the same wieght I’ve always been. I actually have more muscle now then when I first met her.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Soxfaninfl said:

She’s 20 pounds heavier than I am, but that doesn’t matter to me. She is still beautiful to me. I’m 5’6 and weight 200 pounds. Most of it is muscle but I need to reduce my gut still. She weights 220 and is 5’6 also. She was 160 when I met her. I’m pretty much the same wieght I’ve always been. I actually have more muscle now then when I first met her.

You're saying that it's impossible for her to not be physically attracted to you?

[Soxfaninfl]

Just now, basil67 said:

You're saying that it's impossible for her to not be physically attracted to you?

???? I haven’t really changed.