My affair story. I'm the mm

[tangytom]

Background to me. I’m a 41 year old mm. Been married for 16 years with 2 dd aged 15 and 13. I’m not unhappy in my marriage, no emotional or physical abuse and my wife and I get on. Children are great and excel in school and both fit and healthy. We lead a comfortable lifestyle, nice house, cars, several holidays per year. We are that couple that everything looks perfect from the outside.

About 3.5 years ago I had met OW when on a night out and we had a one night stand that turned into a highly emational and physical affair. Before we slept together even on the 1st night I disclosed I was married.

We quickly fell in love after a few months and I told OW I wanted to be with her and I was considering leaving for her. A month or so passed and I told her that I just couldn’t go through with it. The affair continued for 2 more years through COVID and we would see each other at least twice a week and occasionally I would stay with her overnight.

I went on a family holiday in June last year and upon my return I discovered OW was on dating websites. She told me she was hurting that I was playing happy families and that she wanted a relationship that I just could not give her.  Our affair continued and again I realised I wanted to be with her and spoke with her about leaving. But again, I just couldn’t go through with it. I was obviously curious and dare I say it jealous that she was on dating sites. 

As a result our affair ended at the end of 2021, it was myself that ended it. Both of us were heartbroken and we cried in each other’s arms.

We went no contact for about 6 weeks then I messaged her to see how she was doing. Contact lasted a few days but it was just to hard for us and we went NC again for 8 months up until last week.

During these 8 months I’ve been up and down but literally every single day I would think of her. These thoughts would become less frequent and stupidly I thought I could handle reaching out to her again to see how she was doing……so I did. 

We had a great chat via txt and was great to hear she was well and her children are doing well. During this chat she informed me that she is now in a relation. This has has broke my heart again, my stomach is churning and I regret not being with her. I feel like I’m back to square 1 and I’m hurting so much.

 But why have I got myself in this position? 

The thought of hurting my wife and kids through my selfish infidelity makes me ashamed of myself. 

I’m obviously putting on a brave face at work and at home but I’m hurting so much and going to bed and thinking about OW is torture.  I’m so confused and hurting real bad.

Any help/tips or harsh words are welcome. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Starswillshine]

OK, we hear how you are hurting and jealous....

Let's talk about your wife. Does she have any clue about this affair? Let's talk about what you are doing to her. How you are allowing to live a fake life right now..... how she is likely wondering why you are distant. How she may be twisting herself in knots thinking it is something with her .. meanwhile you are love sick over someone else. 

[stillafool]

I would suggest you make an appointment with an independent couselor to help you get over this affair.  Do not contact her again.

[glows]

Anytime there’s an affair in a marriage it rarely has anything to do with the other person or affair partner. It’s about you and it’s about your spouse and your life together.

You mentioned not being unhappy in your marriage but I’d explore that a bit more. There’s a thing called denial. 

This has been going on for years so what caused you to tune out of your marriage? It also seems difficult to believe your wife doesn’t know if you were spending over nighters elsewhere up to twice a week. People know when their spouses have checked out, seem distracted etc, and you appear to have been deeply emotionally attached to the AP. 

[tangytom]

35 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

OK, we hear how you are hurting and jealous....

Let's talk about your wife. Does she have any clue about this affair? Let's talk about what you are doing to her. How you are allowing to live a fake life right now..... how she is likely wondering why you are distant. How she may be twisting herself in knots thinking it is something with her .. meanwhile you are love sick over someone else. 

No, she has no clue. 

[tangytom]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Anytime there’s an affair in a marriage it rarely has anything to do with the other person or affair partner. It’s about you and it’s about your spouse and your life together.

You mentioned not being unhappy in your marriage but I’d explore that a bit more. There’s a thing called denial. 

This has been going on for years so what caused you to tune out of your marriage? It also seems difficult to believe your wife doesn’t know if you were spending over nighters elsewhere up to twice a week. People know when their spouses have checked out, seem distracted etc, and you appear to have been deeply emotionally attached to the AP. 

Thanks for your comments. Just to clarify, it was the occasional overnight stay, less than a handful over the affair period. 

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Anytime there’s an affair in a marriage it rarely has anything to do with the other person or affair partner. It’s about you and it’s about your spouse and your life together.

You mentioned not being unhappy in your marriage but I’d explore that a bit more. There’s a thing called denial. 

This has been going on for years so what caused you to tune out of your marriage? It also seems difficult to believe your wife doesn’t know if you were spending over nighters elsewhere up to twice a week. People know when their spouses have checked out, seem distracted etc, and you appear to have been deeply emotionally attached to the AP. 

I would say a lot of times it isnt that the MM is unhappy in marriage, but typically "bored". And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes just something comes along that is exciting. Doesn't mean anything is wrong/unhappy/unfulfilling/etc.... just means there is opportunity for some excitement. 

That being said, his wife may have zero clue about him being affair, but she probably does sense him being distant, etc. And who knows what sort of things are running through her mind. How she might be blaming herself. Etc. Pretty horrible, honestly. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, tangytom said:

Thanks for your comments. Just to clarify, it was the occasional overnight stay, less than a handful over the affair period. 

How did you explain this to your wife, especially during Covid when everything was shut down and everyone was told to stay home?

[BaileyB]

I read your post and I’m sorry to say, all I think is it’s a darn shame what you have done to BOTH of these women. You have damaged one, albeit with her consent. The damage done to your wife and your marriage may not be seen, but it is done.

Individual counselling would be a smart decision for you not only because you are hurting right now but because you have really lost your way… You are an unsafe partner for your wife and your family life hangs in the balance… Your children are of an age that if they were to learn the truth, they may well lose all respect for you and your relationship will be forever altered. The first step toward moving past the shame that you say you feel is to seek the help that will bring you back to a place where you can live authentically and with integrity. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[tangytom]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How did you explain this to your wife, especially during Covid when everything was shut down and everyone was told to stay home?

Without divulging what I do for a living, but I was still going out to work everyday 

[tangytom]

Thanks Bailey, good advice. 

[glows]

Yes and in addition to the previous comments, please stop reaching out to the ex AP. It’s over. Each time you feel yourself slipping and are tempted draw yourself back to your present day, your life here at home with your family. 

It’s that tendency to slide to another person or check in that keeps you stuck in this cycle. It’s what started this affair in the first place. Why did it ever seem ok to go beyond certain boundaries? What boundaries do you have at all? Now’s a good time to start figuring this out and establishing them.

[tangytom]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes and in addition to the previous comments, please stop reaching out to the ex AP. It’s over. Each time you feel yourself slipping and are tempted draw yourself back to your present day, your life here at home with your family. 

It’s that tendency to slide to another person or check in that keeps you stuck in this cycle. It’s what started this affair in the first place. Why did it ever seem ok to go beyond certain boundaries? What boundaries do you have at all? Now’s a good time to start figuring this out and establishing them.

My behaviour is so far from acceptable and I know that. I don’t know what the trigger was to over step the mark and betray my wife the way I did initially let alone carry on for 2.5 years.  
 

Edit: I would say that very early in the affair I lost a friend to suicide and amongst other people, she was there for me. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by tangytom
Update

[glows]

Well, you’re here and looking for support. When you feel like reaching out to her post on the forum instead. That’s what some have done in the past to break negative cycles or patterns that are destructive. Alternatively find other ways, more constructive ways to make use of your time. With no AP I’m sure you have found you’ve had a lot more time. Take up hobbies, start learning a new language. If you enjoy sports, check out local clubs or teams. 

Fill your days up with a life that’s meaningful to you and actually gives back to you - where your conscience is clear and you live with a light heart and do good wherever you go. Don’t hurt others. Don’t hurt yourself.

Start with counselling as suggested earlier and make better choices.

Edited October 14, 2022 by glows

[tangytom]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Well, you’re here and looking for support. When you feel like reaching out to her post on the forum instead. That’s what some have done in the past to break negative cycles or patterns that are destructive. Alternatively find other ways, more constructive ways to make use of your time. With no AP I’m sure you have found you’ve had a lot more time. Take up hobbies, start learning a new language. If you enjoy sports, check out local clubs or teams. 

Fill your days up with a life that’s meaningful to you and actually gives back to you - where your conscience is clear and you live with a light heart and do good wherever you go. Don’t hurt others. Don’t hurt yourself.

Start with counselling as suggested earlier and make better choices.

That makes sense. Part of my problem is I work shifts and unsocial hours and often find myself alone with to much time on my hands and that results in over thinking and then bad decisions are made. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, tangytom said:

That makes sense. Part of my problem is I work shifts and unsocial hours and often find myself alone with to much time on my hands and that results in over thinking and then bad decisions are made. 

Well then, you need to work with a counsellor to find a healthier coping skill for those times. Lots of people work shifts but not all of them cheat on their wives. Have a plan so that you have something to do during those times, or look at changing your job if necessary. 

[FMW]

Maybe you should focus on trying to feel more attached to your wife again.

There is no excuse for cheating and cheating is only on the cheater, not the fault of the spouse.  BUT.  I don't believe people who are emotionally attached to their partner cheat.  Something is missing in the primary relationship.  If you don't have a history of cheating indicating you just aren't cut out for monogamy, then clearly not being unhappy (a very bland description of any relationship) isn't enough for you.  If your wife truly has no idea of your affair then she's emotionally disconnected from you.  She may be ignoring it for her own reasons (I've been there) but if she's plugged in at all to your marriage, she knows something is off.  And probably has a good idea what that is.

Spend purposeful time with you wife and work on feeling more attached and connected.  Having another woman in your thoughts every day is not sustainable if you ever want to have peace.

[poppyfields]

Question:  Did you ever feel "in love" with your wife the way you feel "in love" with your AP?

If so, try to recapture that feeling.  It can be done.   Go back to dating her, reminisce about the early days when you first fell in love.  Create new romantic memories together.

A marriage can become familiar and lose its sparkle.  It can become mundane and passionless paving the way for one or both to find another to feel such love and  passion with. 

If you never felt in love and passionate about your wife, then file for divorce and go be with the love of your life, your AP.

You are NOT doing your wife, your kids or yourself any favors by remaining in a passionless, loveless marriage.

Your kids are like sponges absorbing everything around them, even if on an unconscious level.

And they will be greatly affected by witnessing your passionless, loveless marriage in a very negative and detrimental way. 

I know this as I am the child of parents who were in a passionless, loveless marriage and I suffered dearly because of it. 

When I was a little girl, not even 10 years old, I recall thinking and even telling people I was never getting married because the "girlfriend" is always treated better and is more loved than the wife! 

Thankfully I got over that and am happily married but I will never forget that feeling which took many years and a lot of internal work to overcome.

Don't do that to your kids, please. 

My dad eventually divorced my mom and married his AP, who became the love of his life and he lived the remainder of his life the happiest he'd ever been.

I won't negatively judge you for falling in love with your AP, it's the dishonesty and lack of integrity you displayed and continue to display by living a disingenuous life with your wife.

I advise you to start being emotionally honest with yourself and your wife and either take serious steps to extricate your AP from your consciousness and heart OR divorce your wife and go marry her.

Good luck whatever decision you choose. 

Edited October 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Question:  Did you ever feel "in love" with your wife the way you feel "in love" with your AP?

Is it really love though? Or, is it the intense feelings that an affair tends to illicit when two people who want to be together and can’t be together exist in this magical bubble where real life is suspended and feelings and magnified by the secretive and unattainable nature of the relationship? 

Not saying that it’s not - I’m just cautioning you OP that you can’t really compare the two as they are TOTALLY different relationships. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking the grass is greener on the other side when in truth - the grass is greener where you water it. And, if the person who is doing the watering is bored, dissatisfied, unhappy, has poor boundaries, poor judgment, and is making poor choices - it doesn’t actually matter which side of the lawn you are standing on… 

Edited October 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is it really love though? Or, is it the intense feelings that an affair tends to illicit when two people who want to be together and can’t be together exist in this magical bubble where real life is suspended and feelings and magnified by the secretive and unattainable nature of the relationship? 

Good question and why I put "in love" in quotes. 

Even in new relationships, it's that intense chemistry we feel which is powerful, no question. 

It eventually fades and gets replaced with a deeper connection, not quite as intense but beautiful nevertheless.  

In affairs, that "in love" feeling never fades for the reasons stated in above quote. 

In a long term relationship or marriage, those early intense feelings can be recaptured bringing new life and passion to an otherwise mundane and lifeless marriage. 

If those intense feelings were never there, then obviously nothing can be recaptured and they're left with a dull lifeless marriage. 

That's all I meant. 

As I said, my dad married his AP and was the happiest he'd ever been.

He never cheated on her and loved her deeply. 

She was his "person" as they say and vice versa. 

And I was happy for him. 

 

 

Edited October 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

It's possible you have limerence for your OW. That would explain thinking of her every day, crying over missing her, etc. It would make it beyond "typical" breakup blues.

You can research more about limerence e.g. on wikipedia. It's a genuine altered state of consciousness with similarities to OCD and addiction.

IF you have limerence, you'll mostly have to wait for it to "die down" naturally. This tends to take a lot longer than one would like, because neural changes (e.g. in the number of dopamine receptors in your brain) are involved. Generally it's several months to a few years before it fully fades.

Making it virtually impossible to see her may help. Contacting her will likely re-trigger it (as it sounds like it may have).

You can look up "the 180" - this normally pertains to divorce, but applying that may help you here as well.

Generally you'll want to go on with your life, do things you enjoy, distract yourself, be socially involved, etc while you wait this out.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

As I said, my dad married his AP and was the happiest he'd ever been.

He never cheated on her and loved her deeply. 

She was his "person" as they say and vice versa. 

It can and does happen. I’ve seen it in my own life. 

That said, there is a also a reason why relationships that begin as affairs tend to fail spectacularly more often than they work out as it did for your family. 

It would just be a darn shame if one was to go “all-in” to the “love” they feel for their affair partner only to find out, they have lost the person who truly loved them and the beautiful family they built together for something that was an illusion, more than anything else. There is a lot to lose and it’s  very, very difficult to make an accurate assessment of either relationship while in this kind of mixed-up relationship triangle. 

In this case, it doesn’t sound like a relationship with the affair partner is even an option anymore - he had his chance and decided there was more to lose than there was to gain. And now, she has moved on…

[poppyfields]

I totally agree! 

It would be a shame to throw away a good marriage with years invested, which is why I suggested ways to reawaken it. 

There was never any love between my mom and dad, it was an awful marriage, they both married for opportunistic reasons which I won't get into. 

So the divorce was actually a positive thing and my mom came to understand that eventually too. 

I have no idea the type of dynamic OP and his wife have, but if it started out with love and passion, it may be possible to reawaken those feelings but it won't happen OP if you insist on remaining emotionally connected and attached to your AP.

There are ways to detach if in fact that is something you actually want to do.

[glows]

6 hours ago, tangytom said:

That makes sense. Part of my problem is I work shifts and unsocial hours and often find myself alone with to much time on my hands and that results in over thinking and then bad decisions are made. 

I don’t know what to tell you here. We are all a product of our choices and decisions and I wholeheartedly commend you for finding support or trying to look for better ways to cope. The real action comes from you so we can talk till the cows come home and help with suggestions but the real work is all yours. In those quiet moments when no one is looking, do right by yourself and make your life a whole lot easier by working on other things that are meaningful to you. 

The change starts with you and changing those habits or patterns thinking that doing things one way works. These past 3.5 years might have already shown you how it doesn’t work, not the way you and the AP have chosen to do it. Let her go and restart your life. Maybe your wife doesn’t even want to be married to you. I suggest you check in on each other and see where you’re at in your marriage.

[Luna66star]

Yhe OW was there for you when your friend took their own life.  Did you look to your wife for solace?  Your spouse is the one to be your friend & offer comfort.  Not the OW.  

If you cannot leave your family, there is still a strong enough bond there. Try to work on your marriage. The OW is seeking other relationships, rightly so. Now you're the one hurting. If this other woman was your true sole mate, you would have given up everything.  You didn't, that says a lot.

You two had a wonderful affair but be realistic, she's moving on without you.  Pining away for an unavailable woman has already diminished your energy to work on your primary relationship.

It's totally a dead end situation here.  Move on, possibly get help from a counselor.