My affair story. I'm the mm

[tangytom]

Thanks for the comments, advice and input folks. I will reply to each individual point when I get the chance in the coming hours, but meantime I wanted to thank you all who have had an input. More input will still be appreciated. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, tangytom said:

 we went NC again up until last week.

During this chat she informed me that she is now in a relation.. 

Unfortunately the affair seems to have been filling  voids. A distraction from problems.

Perhaps the place to start is there. Reflect on why you crossed the line and became dependant on the situation.

It could be trying to medicate other issues like depression etc. through the thrills. Begin with that. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

The second area to reflect on is the quality of your marriage. Is it in a rut? Do you feel like you're just going through the motions?

Keep in mind that part of the sadness is really the exposure of issues within you, camouflaged by the affair, perhaps more so than her departure itself.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[tangytom]

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It's possible you have limerence for your OW. That would explain thinking of her every day, crying over missing her, etc. It would make it beyond "typical" breakup blues.

You can research more about limerence e.g. on wikipedia. It's a genuine altered state of consciousness with similarities to OCD and addiction.

IF you have limerence, you'll mostly have to wait for it to "die down" naturally. This tends to take a lot longer than one would like, because neural changes (e.g. in the number of dopamine receptors in your brain) are involved. Generally it's several months to a few years before it fully fades.

Making it virtually impossible to see her may help. Contacting her will likely re-trigger it (as it sounds like it may have).

You can look up "the 180" - this normally pertains to divorce, but applying that may help you here as well.

Generally you'll want to go on with your life, do things you enjoy, distract yourself, be socially involved, etc while you wait this out.

It is entirely possible I have linerance. That was a consideration I took into account when I made my decision to stay. 

[tangytom]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I totally agree! 

It would be a shame to throw away a good marriage with years invested, which is why I suggested ways to reawaken it. 

There was never any love between my mom and dad, it was an awful marriage, they both married for opportunistic reasons which I won't get into. 

So the divorce was actually a positive thing and my mom came to understand that eventually too. 

I have no idea the type of dynamic OP and his wife have, but if it started out with love and passion, it may be possible to reawaken those feelings but it won't happen OP if you insist on remaining emotionally connected and attached to your AP.

There are ways to detach if in fact that is something you actually want to do.

I do not want to throw away my marriage for a variety of reasons. And prior to most recent contact I came to the conclusion that I made the right choice despite the feelings still being present for OW.

 

When my wife and I have time off together we go for meals, drinks, walk the dog and generally have a good time and in those moments very rarely does OW enter my head. It’s the moments alone, when I’m in an empty house, in the car alone, that’s when these intrusive thoughts would bombard me. And unfortunately, I have a lot of moments alone when I’m days off, kids are at school and wife is working. 
 

I agree that there can be no more contact and I now regret recontacting. There has been no contact for 2 days now. Deep down I believe I want to be with my wife, but at the moment the feelings for OW are incredibly strong and I’m unsure if these are being exacerbated with her new relationship. These feelings are causing my confusion and blurring my mindset. 

[BaileyB]

Not to dismiss your feelings, but this reads like a bored married man found a coping strategy and now that you’ve lost your chosen coping strategy, you are not quite sure what to do with yourself. 

You really do need to find a counsellor to help you flip the script in your mind - such that when you are bored and alone, your mind doesn’t automatically go to the standard loop of preservative thoughts - “I miss my affair partner.”

Otherwise, if I may, my heart hurts for your wife. This is wholly unfair to her. 

Edited October 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[Maylady]

Even though you say you don't want to leave your wife....I think you should consider it. Or at least admit the affair. You are being so selfish. Deciding your wife's life when she doesn't have all the facts.  She deserves the chance to decide if she wants to be married to you.  Imo she sounds lovely and deserves to have someone feel about her like you feel about this other woman

[BaileyB]

This is a cautionary tale for any OW who thinks “because he has sex with me and makes time to spend overnights with me and cries with me when we talk about where this relationship is going, he must be unhappy at home, not in love with his wife - ie. he is going to leave his wife to be with me.” 

Not the case. A cost benefit analysis has determined that the affair partner was too much of a risk, there was too much to lose - he is actually not that unhappy at home, just bored while his wife is at work. 

A cautionary tale for OW indeed. 

[tangytom]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is a cautionary tale for any OW who thinks “because he has sex with me and makes time to spend overnights with me and cries with me when we talk about where this relationship is going, he must be unhappy at home, not in love with his wife - ie. he is going to leave his wife to be with me.” 

Not the case. A cost benefit analysis has determined that the affair partner was too much of a risk, there was too much to lose - he is actually not that unhappy at home, just bored while his wife is at work. 

A cautionary tale for OW indeed. 

Don’t necessarily agree with that last point about being bored while wife is at work but can see why you have come to that conclusion. 

[tangytom]

3 hours ago, Maylady said:

Even though you say you don't want to leave your wife....I think you should consider it. Or at least admit the affair. You are being so selfish. Deciding your wife's life when she doesn't have all the facts.  She deserves the chance to decide if she wants to be married to you.  Imo she sounds lovely and deserves to have someone feel about her like you feel about this other woman

All reasonable points you make 

[poppyfields]

Just now, tangytom said:

Don't necessarily agree with that last point about being bored while wife is at work.

Can you explain/clarify why you don't agree with it? 

Edited October 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[FMW]

I don't read this as you are bored OP - I think that there's an issue you're not dealing with, and in moments when you are alone those issues lead you to thinking about the other woman.

We can all agree that there is no excuse for infidelity, but it is more complicated than boredom.  It doesn't help anyone, either the cheater or the betrayed, to look at it in black and white terms.  Most people get bored, but I don't think that cheating would even be a consideration for them, and not because they are too moral to cheat.  There's something else going on to make getting involved with someone else an option to be considered.    

Edited October 15, 2022 by FMW

[tangytom]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Can you explain/clarify why you don't agree with it? 

Having encountered a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 3.5 years or so both during the affair and post affair there is more to it than boredom, I wish it was as simple as boredom. 
 

Be it limerance or true love, I had/have genuine feelings for OW. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, tangytom said:

Don’t necessarily agree with that last point about being bored while wife is at work but can see why you have come to that conclusion. 

I was being somewhat fasciitis but only because there are SO MANY women who come on this site citing the fact that that the affection their affair partner shows them must mean that the marriage is bad and that they intend to leave. You are proof positive that a man can be content in his marriage with no intention to leave AND still engage in all the behaviors that the OW are usually only to quick to take as fact that ‘he doesn’t love her, he loves me more than one day he will leave and we will be together…’ 

As was said above, and I said it in my first post, many people work shifts and have time on their hands and very few cheat on their spouses. Your job now is to figure out what led YOU to make this decision. And while you may be content in your marriage, it’s time to really take stock and see where you both stand because your affair may well be a harbinger that something is missing - through no fault of your own or your spouse. No fault, prior to the affair as now there is a crack right through the centre of your foundation that you created, or which your spouse many have some idea but no real knowledge. 

[tangytom]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

I don't read this as you are bored OP - I think that there's an issue you're not dealing with, and in moments when you are alone those issues lead you to thinking about the other woman.

We can all agree that there is no excuse for infidelity, but it is more complicated than boredom.  It doesn't help anyone, either the cheater or the betrayed, to look at it in black and white terms.  Most people get bored, but I don't think that cheating would even be a consideration for them, and not because they are too moral to cheat.  There's something else going on to make getting involved with someone else an option to be considered.    

Thanks for that input, again I don’t disagree with you.

I deal with a fair amount of death and tragedy via my work and I have considered if I think of OW to block out these memories . However, I’m reasonably confident this is not the case as I’ve been in the same line of work for 15 years. 

[tangytom]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

I was being somewhat fasciitis but only because there are SO MANY women who come on this site citing the fact that that the affection their affair partner shows them must mean that the marriage is bad and that they intend to leave. You are proof positive that a man can be content in his marriage with no intention to leave AND still engage in all the behaviors that the OW are usually only to quick to take as fact that ‘he doesn’t love her, he loves me more than one day he will leave and we will be together…’ 

As was said above, and I said it in my first post, many people work shifts and have time on their hands and very few cheat on their spouses. Your job now is to figure out what led YOU to make this decision. And while you may be content in your marriage, it’s time to really take stock and see where you both stand because your affair may well be a harbinger that something is missing - through no fault of your own or your spouse. No fault, prior to the affair as now there is a crack right through the centre of your foundation that you created, or which your spouse many have some idea but no real knowledge. 

You have inputted a lot on this thread and I truly appreciate the time and effort you have given this. All you’re replies are valid, make sense and certainly something that in the coming days and weeks I’ll look back on and reflect. Thanks. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, tangytom said:

Be it limerance or true love, I had/have genuine feelings for OW. 

I believe that you did, but that doesn’t really answer the more important question of what (inside you) led you to make the decision to have an affair.  To focus on the other woman is to miss the real issue here… She is but a symptom of a much more serious disease that is still festering…

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, tangytom said:

I deal with a fair amount of death and tragedy via my work and I have considered if I think of OW to block out these memories . However, I’m reasonably confident this is not the case as I’ve been in the same line of work for 15 years. 

That’s called vicarious trauma and yes, it does happen at any stage in your career. 

That said, if the affair was a coping strategy for the fact that you have time alone because of the shift work or the fact that you work in a high stress job, it is again a very maladaptive coping strategy. 

[Will am I]

I’m not in a position to judge, nor do I have any intent to judge.

You took a good first step to expose your story here and seek the opinions from others. 

The million dollar question is this: why did you get into the one night stand which started the whole affair?

You could have stopped at any moment. The first glance, the first words, the first kiss. But you didn’t. At that time, there must have been a certain craving for another woman’s romantic or sexual attention. And the craving must have been strong enough to make risky moves.

This is where your search starts.  

[Will am I]

13 hours ago, tangytom said:

When my wife and I have time off together we go for meals, drinks, walk the dog and generally have a good time and in those moments very rarely does OW enter my head. It’s the moments alone, when I’m in an empty house, in the car alone, that’s when these intrusive thoughts would bombard me

Here’s a little piece of your puzzle. Why is it that you feel the need for the constant presence of your wife or another woman?

[BrinnM]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

there must have been a certain craving for another woman’s romantic or sexual attention. And the craving must have been strong enough to make risky moves.

Not necessarily, it sometimes just happens. Right time & right place, ya know?

Isn’t it (most) always the case that if there’s a good opportunity, and the chances of getting caught are slim, that most men would literally jump at the one-night stand without thinking twice? I mean, there are surveys, and studies over studies out there about this. Respondents almost always say that if there’s a guarantee they won’t get caught, they do what they wouldn’t otherwise do under normal circumstances. Therefore: Man meets attractive woman at a bar (or wherever), there’s flirting going on, combined with a solid window of opportunity to have sex ———> there will be sex. That’s (hu)man nature, simple as that. Few men will think twice, and/or contemplate  (let’s use a business trip example) “well, there’s literally zero chance that my wife will find out because I’m on a business trip in a completely different state and my return flight is two days away, and nobody will know whether I spend the night alone in my hotel room, or with that hot chick who’s pretty fun, but it is the wrong thing to do, so I won’t” ….. yeah, not happening.
 

What is more likely is that the man (on the business trip) doesn’t put himself in the position in the first place because he’s a decent guy. So he’ll go to dinner with clients and/or coworkers, but will not join them for drinks at the bar. Goes back to the hotel room sober and works for a few more hours or watch TV and calls the wife/fam.
But if he’s already at the bar, Manhattans & Martinis are being served, everybody’s having a good time, and there’s a woman who seems interested, yeah, no ….. he’s not going home alone. 

And then, he might be intrigued by the newness of the new woman, and that might fuel the romantic fire. Limerence, you can call it that, sure, but it’s nothing more than getting lured in by the mystery of the unknown, compounded by some good sex. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by BrinnM

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to be honest with yourself about whether your marriage is still viable, OP. 

There is a reason many don't last a lifetime. Couples can and do sometimes grow apart. Perhaps you are in denial about that. 

[Maylady]

Point blank.. you need to give your wife the chance to find someone worthy of her integrity,  her faithfulness,  her LIFE. please please let her find someone to be with that deserves her

[sjkal]

As hard as it sounds don't reach out. Focus on your family, your wife, and over time she won't be your focus anymore

[yogathenwine]

OP I'm curious how you "discovered" she was on dating websites? 

[tangytom]

38 minutes ago, yogathenwine said:

OP I'm curious how you "discovered" she was on dating websites? 

She told me herself.