Would calling someone who didn't reply to a message on a dating app be appropriate?

[max3732]

Many of the dating apps have a feature that lets you call. If there's someone I matched with and sent a message that they didn't reply to what would you think of calling instead of texting? I don't know if it lets you leave a voicemail or not.

I was thinking that these women get tons of text messages every day so maybe a phone call would help me stand out. Plus it could remind them that there's an actual human on the other end so maybe they'd be more likely to reply?

Something else is I was talking to a single female friend who was on some dating apps and said she stopped using them because she was frustrated. I'm not sure if I were to call if that would go through even if she turned off notifications.

Also what about calling the one I went out with once that I really liked and said she wanted to go out again "hopefully soon" after she got back from traveling and suggested this activity near her. I would say something like "seems like you aren't shy about expressing your opinion and if you might be interested let me know. If not let me or unmatch me". This "ghosting" thing really bothers me so much more than just getting unmatched or a message saying she's not interested.

[introverted1]

This sounds like a bad idea to me. 

I'd say that if someone you matched with hasn't responded, you can assume she is low interest and you should move on to the next one. 

Edit:  Just saw your second question.  Need more information.  She said she wanted to go out 'hopefully soon" and then what happened?  Have you had any contact while/since she was traveling?  How did you leave things?  Regardless, I don't recommend the message you shared here.  I get that ghosting is frustrating but that means it might be time to take a break from dating. Passive-aggressive messages won't endear you to anyone and will justify the woman's decision to ghost.

Edited October 14, 2022 by introverted1

[max3732]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

This sounds like a bad idea to me. 

I'd say that if someone you matched with hasn't responded, you can assume she is low interest and you should move on to the next one. 

Edit:  Just saw your second question.  Need more information.  She said she wanted to go out 'hopefully soon" and then what happened?  Have you had any contact while/since she was traveling?  How did you leave things?  Regardless, I don't recommend the message you shared here.  I get that ghosting is frustrating but that means it might be time to take a break from dating. Passive-aggressive messages won't endear you to anyone and will justify the woman's decision to ghost.

After she said she wanted to go out "hopefully soon" I haven't heard from her. On Bumble I can see she was in fact traveling like she said and then she returned. After I saw she was back I asked how her schedule was looking for that date we talked about and if she was in town could she do the coming up weekend. That was my last message to her.

I just don't get the idea of ghosting as somehow sparing my feelings or as something that's socially acceptable. Probably the 1st example that happened was I ordered something for lunch in a restaurant and waited forever and the server never came back. I asked different ones and then finally tracked him down and he said they ran out of what I ordered and he didn't want to tell me because he was embarrassed. If he had just told me right away I would have just ordered something else and didn't care that much.

If these women aren't interested why not just say so or use the readily available "unmatch" button if they want to avoid conflict?

With this one why would she say something like "I know the perfect place and it would be so much fun to go there when I get back" and then show me the directions if she's not interested? 

She also is highly educated and very ambitious and wasn't shy at all. So I don't get why she wouldn't reply and was thinking maybe she disabled notifications during her trip and isn't checking the app.

[introverted1]

18 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I just don't get the idea of ghosting as somehow sparing my feelings or as something that's socially acceptable.

People do this for their benefit, not yours.  They don't want to deal with the discomfort of telling someone they are no longer interested, so they just fade away. Some women will say that there have been men who reacted poorly when they were told this, so they now ghost.  Whatever the rationale, it is to make things easier for the ghoster, not the ghostee.

19 minutes ago, max3732 said:

With this one why would she say something like "I know the perfect place and it would be so much fun to go there when I get back" and then show me the directions if she's not interested? 

Who knows.  Maybe she enjoys the "conquest."  Maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time but no longer does -- she met someone else, got busy at work, had a family emergency, who knows.

20 minutes ago, max3732 said:

So I don't get why she wouldn't reply and was thinking maybe she disabled notifications during her trip and isn't checking the app.

If this is the case, which I doubt it is, you can assume that it means she met someone she wants to focus on.  if she was still interested in meeting and dating new people, she wouldn't turn off notifications on her dating app (unless she was committed to check it regularly regardless).

24 minutes ago, max3732 said:

After I saw she was back I asked how her schedule was looking for that date we talked about and if she was in town could she do the coming up weekend.

I don't know what's up with this woman.  But here's what I do know:  interested people act interested.  Only in the movies is the guy expected to overcome all odds in order to secure the attention of his love interest.  In real life, when two people like each other and want to get to know each other, it's easy.  Dating should be easy.  If it isn't, move on to the next.  Easier said than done, I know.  But there is nothing to be gained from chasing someone who isn't interested enough to respond to your text.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

She also is highly educated and very ambitious and wasn't shy at all. So I don't get why she wouldn't reply and was thinking maybe she disabled notifications during her trip and isn't checking the app.

No no no.  If she was interested in you, you would be on her mind and she would have replied to your message/text.  Not responding to a text is a clear indication that someone is not interested.  Calling someone who is not interested in you, and who never responded to a text of yours, is just cringey.  Why would you do that?  Do you really want to be that person who is chasing someone and acting desperate?  Take the hint and move on with your life.

[chillii]

Just on what she's said , maybe she was interested at the time but later she's been side tracked now , that could be who knows what. l'd say you've already retried her now once and nothings come back you would have heard from her. lt's a shame butttt, prob best leave it be.

On the calling someone straight of, if it just leaves a message ldk , it might be ok actually but if it goes straight through to an in person call just boom out of nowhere, doubt that one would go down too well.

Edited October 14, 2022 by chillii

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, max3732 said:

Many of the dating apps have a feature that lets you call. If there's someone I matched with and sent a message that they didn't reply to what would you think of calling instead of texting? I don't know if it lets you leave a voicemail or not.

I didn't know that any dating apps have a feature to call people.  But I can't imagine that cold-calling strangers would be an effective strategy.  I highly doubt that most sane women would respond positively to getting a random phone call from some man they don't know.

If they didn't reply to your message, then take the hint that they aren't interested.  When you message them, that usually will prompt them to go to your profile, look at your pics, etc.  Them not replying after that means that they weren't into your profile.  So you shouldn't bother them beyond that.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, don't call. 

If someone isn't responding to you, they are not interested. Calling them isn't going to make that better. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, max3732 said:

Many of the dating apps have a feature that lets you call. 

That's ok but this feature was intended to add bells and whistles so people could talk without using their personal phone number.

This feature was clearly not intended as a backdoor approach for unresponsive matches or following up on uninterested women. Be careful, the last thing you want is someone reporting you to the site for this type of thing.

[max3732]

21 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I didn't know that any dating apps have a feature to call people.  But I can't imagine that cold-calling strangers would be an effective strategy.  I highly doubt that most sane women would respond positively to getting a random phone call from some man they don't know.

If they didn't reply to your message, then take the hint that they aren't interested.  When you message them, that usually will prompt them to go to your profile, look at your pics, etc.  Them not replying after that means that they weren't into your profile.  So you shouldn't bother them beyond that.

Is it cold calling strangers if you went out with her? When I was growing up if I wanted to talk to someone I'd just call them or more likely see her at school. Of course I'd get nervous talking to her parents and leaving a message, but that was less frustrating than sending messages. Also if they're not interested why would they match in the first place and exchange at least 1 message?

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok but this feature was intended to add bells and whistles so people could talk without using their personal phone number.

This feature was clearly not intended as a backdoor approach for unresponsive matches or following up on uninterested women. Be careful, the last thing you want is someone reporting you to the site for this type of thing.

Someone could report you for calling them? What policy would that break? Isn't the point of the dating app to get to know people? If they don't want to answer they don't have to pick up. If I leave a message like "we matched on this app and I thought we could get to know each other better with a call" she'd report that? Or with someone who stopped replying I'd say something like "It's been a while since we went out and I just wanted to see how you're doing". 

If they don't want to talk they also have the unmatch button.

Not that I'm going to call now, but are people that afraid of talking to each other? It just seems like what I'm doing now isn't working. I literally have 10 matches who sent 1 message and the stopped replying. 

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, max3732 said:

but are people that afraid of talking to each other? It just seems like what I'm doing now isn't working. I literally have 10 matches who sent 1 message and the stopped replying. 

People aren't afraid of talking on the phone.  Rather, they generally don't want to talk on the phone with someone they aren't interested in

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

Is it cold calling strangers if you went out with her?

I'm very confused.  Why would you need to call someone through the dating app feature that you've gone on a date with before?  Is this someone who you went out with before and then stopped replying to your regular texts?  So now you want to call them a different way, through the dating app?  

 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

Someone could report you for calling them? What policy would that break? Isn't the point of the dating app to get to know people? If they don't want to answer they don't have to pick up. If I leave a message like "we matched on this app and I thought we could get to know each other better with a call" she'd report that? Or with someone who stopped replying I'd say something like "It's been a while since we went out and I just wanted to see how you're doing". 

You don't seem to be getting it.  It is creepy behavior to keep trying to contact someone who has already indicated with their lack of response that they are not interested in you.  Someone who you tried to message on a dating app and they didn't reply.  Or someone who you went on a date with and they had stopped replying after that.  It couldn't be more clear that they weren't interested in a second date, if they stopped replying to you.  And yet you want to call them again.  Keeping on contacting them is not going to make them interested.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

are people that afraid of talking to each other?

It has nothing to do with being afraid, and everything to do with you not getting the hint that someone isn't interested. 

Calling them isn't going to turn that around, but rather make you look like a pest who doesn't read between the lines. 

[chillii]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm very confused.  Why would you need to call someone through the dating app feature that you've gone on a date with before?  Is this someone who you went out with before and then stopped replying to your regular texts?  So now you want to call them a different way, through the dating app?  

 

Yeah , same. But if that is the case then def' not , she's not interested .

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, max3732 said:

 It just seems like what I'm doing now isn't working. I literally have 10 matches who sent 1 message and the stopped replying. 

Dating apps offer the call feature for people who mutually wish to call, but with the added safety/privacy of not giving out personal phone numbers to people they haven't met..

It's not about whether people like to talk or not, it's about these matches moving on/not being interested, which, unfortunately is all too common..

You seem to be getting some responses and dates, however improving your distance settings and relaxing the more ridgid criteria could help open up some more viable matches.

Sometimes it's a case of who you're looking for isn't looking for you. The first step may be to review your matching criteria.

Edited October 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

Max, follow this rule: always go by their actions or inaction. They don't respond? That says not interested. They don't make definitive plans with you, date time and place, that's a no go. They always seem too busy? That's a no. They don't reschedule a cancelled date or offer an alternative? That's a no again. If that are being elusive, ditch them.

[max3732]

11 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You don't seem to be getting it.  It is creepy behavior to keep trying to contact someone who has already indicated with their lack of response that they are not interested in you.  Someone who you tried to message on a dating app and they didn't reply.  Or someone who you went on a date with and they had stopped replying after that.  It couldn't be more clear that they weren't interested in a second date, if they stopped replying to you.  And yet you want to call them again.  Keeping on contacting them is not going to make them interested.

I see what you're saying. My only thought was that women get flooded with messages in a dating app. I remember a guy put up a fake profile with a hideous picture of a witch or something and still got hundreds of messages. So it's possible she didn't see my message or I got lost in the sea of messages.

If I sent her a WhatsApp message where I could see she saw it and she didn't reply I'd definitely not contact her. With some of these women they swiped right and messaged me 1st on Bumble or replied to my initial message with something and then didn't reply. Wouldn't that indicate they want me to contact them? Why is text the only way you're allowed to do it? It's not like cold calling profiles I see on the app

[glows]

I don’t think calling is a good idea unless mutually agreed upon in text beforehand. That’s just good etiquette and being respectful of someone else’s wishes to speak or not. Yes, times have changed. If it was a friend or someone you know well, we’d all call without a second thought. The issue is you haven’t heard back from her and tried texting her once after only meeting one time.

Haven’t you already exchanged numbers? Some prefer not to if it’s just organizing a first meet. If you don’t have her number she didn’t feel comfortable giving it out.

Assume less that women are passive and need to receive messages to see you. No one needs reminding that it’s another person on the other side. And if you have to remind someone that you are a real human that person is not worth your time. She could have gotten in touch with you too if she was so interested but she’s not. 

I’m curious also out of all the things you’d say to someone to ask someone out in a second date, why say this? 

On 10/14/2022 at 7:48 AM, max3732 said:

I would say something like "seems like you aren't shy about expressing your opinion and if you might be interested let me know. If not let me or unmatch me". 

It pulls someone under a microscope and makes a person wonder what on earth you’re referring to about not being “shy” - a good thing? A bad thing? And why is this person needing such a verbal answer. Isn’t this person able to read between the lines? Too awkward here and putting pressure where it’s not needed. It motivates most not to respond at all, not solving anything about the ghosting issue.

I think your underlying premise unfortunately (and this may have to do with the types of women you’re attracted to) is that women are exceptionally passive and need an extra hand in “seeing” you. Here’s news: we don’t. I agree with the previous comment mentioning about keeping your options open. Someone else also explained what the call function is usually for if that helps. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by glows

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, max3732 said:

Someone could report you for calling them?

If they're not interested and found it annoying, yes absolutely.  They can claim harassment which is an automatic ban from the app.

I've talked to guys where this has happened.  

Is it fair?  No.  

But learn to take the hint.  As Wiseman said, don't use calling  as a backdoor in when they don't respond to a message. . 

Telling yourself stories that women receive so many messages she may not have seen, is just that - a story. 

Trust me, when a woman you have met before or chatted with is interested, she will be looking forward to your next message!

For me personally, I received 100s of messages total, I saw each and every one.

I might not have read each one, but I saw it. 

Many were from men I had already chatted with who kept messaging and yes I found it extremely annoying!

Some I even told them I wasn't interested and they would still message! 

Don't be that guy max.. 

Respect when a woman isn't interested.   Her non-response tells you all you need to know. . 

Try to not take it personally and move on to next. 

 

[basil67]

22 hours ago, max3732 said:

Someone could report you for calling them? What policy would that break?

My daughter got banned from Tinder.  She laughs about it, but to this day has no idea what went wrong.  

[max3732]

On 10/16/2022 at 12:27 PM, glows said:

I don’t think calling is a good idea unless mutually agreed upon in text beforehand. That’s just good etiquette and being respectful of someone else’s wishes to speak or not. Yes, times have changed. If it was a friend or someone you know well, we’d all call without a second thought. The issue is you haven’t heard back from her and tried texting her once after only meeting one time.

Haven’t you already exchanged numbers? Some prefer not to if it’s just organizing a first meet. If you don’t have her number she didn’t feel comfortable giving it out.

Assume less that women are passive and need to receive messages to see you. No one needs reminding that it’s another person on the other side. And if you have to remind someone that you are a real human that person is not worth your time. She could have gotten in touch with you too if she was so interested but she’s not. 

I’m curious also out of all the things you’d say to someone to ask someone out in a second date, why say this? 

It pulls someone under a microscope and makes a person wonder what on earth you’re referring to about not being “shy” - a good thing? A bad thing? And why is this person needing such a verbal answer. Isn’t this person able to read between the lines? Too awkward here and putting pressure where it’s not needed. It motivates most not to respond at all, not solving anything about the ghosting issue.

I think your underlying premise unfortunately (and this may have to do with the types of women you’re attracted to) is that women are exceptionally passive and need an extra hand in “seeing” you. Here’s news: we don’t. I agree with the previous comment mentioning about keeping your options open. Someone else also explained what the call function is usually for if that helps. 

No, we didn't exchange numbers. It was probably a mistake on my part not doing that. I'm just a private person and don't like the idea of someone I don't know well looking up my businesses, address, etc.

The reason I thought I'd ask what I wrote is she told me in person she's very opinionated and "tell it like it is" person and we talked about a whole bunch of controversial topics and she wasn't shy at all expressing her opinion on them. What I liked was we shared the same opinion on pretty much all of them so I thought we were on the same page. Besides controversial topics she has strong opinions on food, movies, vacations, etc and we didn't always see eye to eye on all of those, but I thought it was a fun conversation.

She is also very ambitious and highly educated and does a lot of presentations and meetings and also told me about how with her ex she found out he was lying to her so instead of unmatching she called him up and asked him about it. 

From all of that I wouldn't think she'd plan a 2nd date and then ignore my message when I asked if she could go. I wouldn't use that same line with someone I didn't know.  

Also my underlying premise is not that women are extremely passive and need a helping hand in seeing me. It's just that what I've heard is that women are flooded with messages so you need to do something to stand out. Most of the women I'm attracted to aren't very passive. Not sure what you think I'm looking for.

On 10/16/2022 at 12:57 PM, poppyfields said:

If they're not interested and found it annoying, yes absolutely.  They can claim harassment which is an automatic ban from the app.

I've talked to guys where this has happened.  

Is it fair?  No.  

But learn to take the hint.  As Wiseman said, don't use calling  as a backdoor in when they don't respond to a message. . 

Telling yourself stories that women receive so many messages she may not have seen, is just that - a story. 

Trust me, when a woman you have met before or chatted with is interested, she will be looking forward to your next message!

For me personally, I received 100s of messages total, I saw each and every one.

I might not have read each one, but I saw it. 

Many were from men I had already chatted with who kept messaging and yes I found it extremely annoying!

Some I even told them I wasn't interested and they would still message! 

Don't be that guy max.. 

Respect when a woman isn't interested.   Her non-response tells you all you need to know. . 

Try to not take it personally and move on to next. 

 

Sorry about all your bad experiences with these apps. After you told the guys you weren't interested why didn't you just unmatch them? I do that with all the women I'm not interested in. 

Now I'm curious about claiming harrasment on the apps. I see the apps all have something like "unmatch and report". So in the report she'd say "I matched with him, sent him a message and then never replied to his response to my message. A month or so later he called me. Harassment!"  Wouldn't harassment be if you sent messages all the time or called multiple times a day or even kept calling after she said she's not interested? Or if you sent something lewd or insulting?

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by max3732

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, max3732 said:

 I'm just a private person and don't like the idea of someone I don't know well looking up my businesses, address, etc.

So in the report she'd say "I matched with him, sent him a message and then never replied to his response to my message. A month or so later he called me. Harassment!"  Wouldn't harassment be if you sent messages all the time or called multiple times a day or even kept calling after she said she's not interested? Or if you sent something lewd or insulting?

Exactly right on both points. One is the through the apps calling feature is precisely for the reason you mentioned. And yes you don't know who you are really dealing with and someone could report you for what they  think is overbearing.

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Now I'm curious about claiming harrasment on the apps. I see the apps all have something like "unmatch and report". So in the report she'd say "I matched with him, sent him a message and then never replied to his response to my message. A month or so later he called me. Harassment!"  Wouldn't harassment be if you sent messages all the time or called multiple times a day or even kept calling after she said she's not interested? Or if you sent something lewd or insulting?

You're being way too literal about this.

In many cases, if a woman has decided she is not interested, she will perceive any continued contact as harassment.  Is that just or rational?  No.  Does it happen?  Yes.  All she has to do in the report is click the button that says "harassment" or "abusive behavior" or whatever she wants to click. She doesn't have to hire a PI to prove her case.

Is it really worth it? If she was interested, she'd be looking for your message(s), not ignoring it.  Silence IS an answer.

Edited October 17, 2022 by introverted1

[basil67]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Now I'm curious about claiming harrasment on the apps. I see the apps all have something like "unmatch and report". So in the report she'd say "I matched with him, sent him a message and then never replied to his response to my message. A month or so later he called me. Harassment!"  Wouldn't harassment be if you sent messages all the time or called multiple times a day or even kept calling after she said she's not interested? Or if you sent something lewd or insulting?

The dating apps don't ask for evidence.  Scroll up for me telling you that my daughter got banned for no reason she's aware of.  She and her friends found it highly amusing because she's the last person who'd stalk or harass, yet, her account is gone.