Once a cheater always a cheater?

[wethepeopleunited]

So it was my ex,

 

who after a year in the relationship asked me if I think that once a cheater always a cheater...

 

I replied with yes! There's a reason it's a phrase!

 

She replies with..

I believe that it's not true..

I believe that people can change.

 

My questionsnto you all is..

 

1. What do you think the agenda of the question is?

(By her asking me)

 

2. Does someone who hasn't cheated normally have this opinion..?

 

3. Is this a confession?

 

Please help!

 

I need closure and I know Il never get it from her!

[basil67]

I can't begin to tell you what her motive was or if it was a confession.  But I firmly believe that people can change if they want to.  Sometimes, it may be as simple as them kicking themselves up the rear end or they may need therapy to help them sort themselves out.  The key to change really depends on whether or not they can recognise that they made a bad decision and don't want to repeat it.  

If we didn't learn from our mistakes, we'd all still be making the same stupid and/or high risk decisions we made as teenagers.  

[ShyViolet]

It's very strange that she would randomly ask you that question.  It's like she's trying to tell you something.  Did you ask her "why are you asking me this"?

[mark clemson]

Of course people can change, and indeed they always do, slowly over time (and sometimes rapidly).

Whether THAT specific aspect of their personality will change is another matter. However, cheating is ultimately a choice, and the choice can always be made to not do so.

2 hours ago, wethepeopleunited said:

I need closure and I know Il never get it from her!

This is an Ex. Whatever did or didn't happen is history now. Since it's an Ex, this is only as relevant to your present life as you allow it to be.

Closure doesn't come from other people (although they can sometimes help it along), it comes from you. You gain it by making your own peace with whatever happened, or, if need be, with the uncertainty.

If that doesn't work, time will grant you closure eventually, like ivy overgrowing a broken pot.

Edited October 15, 2022 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

I assure you that it's not true.  

When I was young, I cheated.   I also did some other things that I'm not proud of and that I have never done again in the ensuing decades.  Many of my friends and siblings can say the same thing.  It's not even unusual.

Some people evidently have arrested development.  For them, I guess whatever misdeeds they were guilty of in their lives are bound to be repeated until the bitter end.  Fortunately we're not all that way.

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I assure you that it's not true.  

When I was young, I cheated.   I also did some other things that I'm not proud of and that I have never done again in the ensuing decades.  Many of my friends and siblings can say the same thing.  It's not even unusual.

Ditto.  I'm so thankful we can learn, grow and become better people

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, wethepeopleunited said:

 the agenda of the question is?

I need closure.

 How old is she? Does she enjoy rhetorical questions for the purposes of getting to know you?

It doesn't seem like a confession but more so fishing to see how you respond.  To see if you have ever cheated and your stance on cheaters in general.

Overall there seems to be a communication issue with speaking directly to each other rather than in these oblique references and innuendos.

Just ask her straight up if she ever cheated.

What do you mean by "closure"? 

[wethepeopleunited]

She's 23.

There have been too many red flags for my liking and and alot of times I've confronted her..

She slips up for words and her terminology doesn't make sense it's like she's trying to think after speaking simple things..

Eg. 2nd month of being together there was a condom box that appeared out of nowhere in the bathroom bottom drawer at her apartment with 2 missing I confronted her and she said that they were in the bedroom from her ex a year ago in the bedside table.. which isn't true because first time we did it she told me to look in the drawer.. and I've been in the bathroom drawers aswel so my suspicions are very high

I've told myself there's nothing left and in the process of deciding what to do.

If I do confront her about anything it's never a straight forward response always ends with her sour and I have to crawl back to her..

I'm quite sure I'm done with trying to understand after the many times that shes made doubt her

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, wethepeopleunited said:

 2nd month of being together there was a condom box that appeared out of nowhere in the bathroom bottom drawer at her apartment 

I'm quite sure I'm done with trying to understand after the many times that shes made doubt her

 How long have you been dating?

You're right, maybe it's time to step away and reflect on the distrust and suspicions. 

You don't seem comfortable or confident with her from a standpoint of honesty and communication.

You shouldn't need to be rifling through her apt and things. If it's that far gone, it's better to walk away in peace.

[glows]

So the long story short is you broke up with her after spending the majority of the relationship suspecting her of cheating? You appear suspicious of two missing condoms after only the second month of dating. 

I’m curious why you doubt yourself or need to know more about what happened. Are you kicking yourself for staying that long? That’s on you unfortunately. No one made you crawl back to her or put up with her being sour. Or tolerate her excuses if you felt they were unbelievable. Why let someone have that hold on you? 

First step(the hardest) - admit you were wrong for staying and that it was your choice to stay. Don’t make the same mistakes again. Trust yourself again a bit more and put yourself out there again dating when you’re ready. Let this go. It doesn’t sound like it was made to last. You both were not on the same page from the start.

[wethepeopleunited]

I'm blown away by the comments thank you guys who took the time to write to me honestly it's been a tough year and I guess coming from a relationship prior to this one 2 years ago and experiencing that aswel as the 1 before that..

I saw through her facade I guess.. at the start having her treat me normally and feel as though someone actually cared and appreciated me..it's a amazing feeling..

But holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore in the hope of returning there.. whilst my gut is telling me no my heart's telling me stay forget about it ..

I do adore her but I need to find my worth and I guess cannot with someone like her.. 

For someone who's only been hurt in relationships and trying to move forward..

what do you guys do to heal I've lost so much trust but at the same time it's hard to believe 

[Beachead]

@wethepeopleunited

6 hours ago, wethepeopleunited said:

There have been too many red flags for my liking and and alot of times I've confronted her..

She slips up for words and her terminology doesn't make sense it's like she's trying to think after speaking simple things..

Eg. 2nd month of being together there was a condom box that appeared out of nowhere in the bathroom bottom drawer at her apartment with 2 missing I confronted her and she said that they were in the bedroom from her ex a year ago in the bedside table.. which isn't true because first time we did it she told me to look in the drawer.. and I've been in the bathroom drawers aswel so my suspicions are very high

I've told myself there's nothing left and in the process of deciding what to do.

If I do confront her about anything it's never a straight forward response always ends with her sour and I have to crawl back to her..

I'm quite sure I'm done with trying to understand after the many times that shes made doubt her

This post should tell you what you need to do with this relationship.  

Regarding "Once a Cheater, always a cheater"  ..I don't know about that.  It depends on the person. 

I will say this though.  Once a person cheats, the credibility is gone and so is the trust and it's very unlikely they'll ever get these things back.  Not many self-respecting people are willing to invest something as fragile as their heart and all they have worked so hard for, into someone who has proven to be irresponsible with all of it and someone who is evidently volatile and unreliable.  

Those who have cheated know this, which is why they work hard to cover it up.   

Edited October 15, 2022 by Beachead

[central]

Of course, people can change. Have you never done anything you've regretted, and learned from the experience to not repeat that behavior?

That said, in a particular relationship, once cheating occurs, it will probably forever taint that particular relationship, unless the couple is extraordinarily good at working together to fix things. Otherwise, it's better for both to move on, IMO, and have a fresh start. Of course, most cheating is NOT discovered or revealed, most of those relationships continue, and often the cheater will stop doing so and learn from their actions that it's not worth it; or so the studies I've read over the years seem to indicate.

[understand50]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Well, I suppose, as the person cannot go back in time and change what they did. [ ] So yes,  they will always be a cheater.  The real question, is will they cheat again?   Will they be a serial cheater.  Everyone is different, and yes people can change and be good and true going forward.  So you must bet on the person today, and not on their past.  You should know about their past, as it is a reflection of where they are going and who they are, but people can change.  Just keep in mind, that the more times they cheated in the past, who they cheated with,  and how they cheated  does show you the odds of them cheating in the future.  What is their future is what you need to key in on.  In the end it is a bet, and you must weigh the odds.

My two cents.

Edited October 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, wethepeopleunited said:

what do you guys do to heal I've lost so much trust but at the same time it's hard to believe 

Research the 180 as it pertains to breakups (divorces usually) - it's IMO a useful bit of applied cognitive behavioral therapy and could be quite helpful.

Do the things you enjoy, that are meaningful and positive to you. Continue to "branch out"/live your life/build your identity without the other person.

[smackie9]

Something like that sounds like a confession, especially when she turned over your response. She's minimizing it. So sorry you are faced to make a decision.

Edited October 16, 2022 by smackie9

[spiritedaway2003]

No, I don’t personally believe in that statement.  People have the ability to learn and grow.   Absolute statements are often used to justify a decision  - it may be true in some cases for some but  not for all.  Once cheated on, that person will always be cheated on in the future? See the flaw?  

Of course there are inherent or perceived higher risks (red flags) of dating someone who was once a cheater.  But that doesn’t mean that someone who had no history couldn’t be a risk.  First time for everything.  Past history is not always a predictor of the future. 

OP, since the person is already an ex, go NC.  It wouldn’t help to find closure by conjecturing if she had cheated or not.  She’s out of your life so it may help you to find closure by focusing on moving on (doing things you enjoy and meeting new people) and accepting that the relationship did not work out, for whatever the reasons may be.