What does 'I love You' really mean?

[Grumpy Bob]

I am single, in my 50's, been sperated for almost 5 years.

I have a friend I met through a previous employment.  She is a genuinely good person, always trying to help other people, etc, but has been through thr wringer recently.  I have tried to be there for her, as a friend.

As freinds do, we're in regular contact, always chatting on messenger, etc, helping out with advise, etc.
She always wants to know how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, etc, etc.  As I said, we're friends...  We're both very loyal people, and being there for friends is important to us.
But, to be clear, we haven't dated, or even hung out much.

I could be wrong, but in the past, she hasn't seemed that interested in hanging out.  So it was seeming like our freindship was very plutonic, and I was ok with that.  (I am looking for a relationship, but just assumed it wasn't going to be with her.)

However, over time, the L word has crept into the messages.  As in, she will sign off with "Love you heaps, XX".
Is it a sign she wants more?  Or just indicative of instability?

NB:  I realise that what we currently have is limited, and I'm not suggesting it's suddenly changed into something much more, but wonder if she's looking for more.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Grumpy Bob

[Weezy1973]

Tough to say for sure, my guess though is that she still sees it as a platonic friendship. Some women tend to say “love you” to their friends quite a bit. I think it’s probably more a sign that she really cares about you as a friend more than seeing you as a romantic interest. 

[Alpacalia]

This sounds more like friendly banter. 

I rarely use that phrase or even heart emojis in casual settings.

I think that people usually just say it to everyone and I personally would say it to my friends, but only those that I have been close to for a long time because I love them very much, but to anyone I am in a relationship with (because the feelings are different from when I am with friends) I won't say it unless it's truly meant to me. 

[glows]

[]

Regarding your friend she seems overly involved in your emotions and blurring some lines. It’s intimate but the ily may be meaningless. The only way you’d find out is if you ask her out on a date and see what she says. 

Your question is one that has been asked since the dawn of time. “Does she like me” without asking or finding out if she’ll go out with you. We cannot read her mind or tell you that. If you’re not prepared to date I suggest filing for divorce or waiting for the divorce to finalize and preoccupy yourself with other things. I wouldn’t spend so much time explaining your feelings to someone you have doubts about either. 

Edited October 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BrinnM]

4 hours ago, Grumpy Bob said:

she hasn't seemed that interested in hanging out. 

This combined with love you heaps doesn’t sound romantic. She’s being friendly and cares about you as a friend. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You're getting lost here: do you like her as a potential romantic partner or not? You're making the classic mistake of assuming the ball is all in her court. Do you like her as more than a friend? 

She is at the very least saying that she REALLY likes you as a person. You know this person--is this the way she would talk. I have buddies that sign off like that--and things are platonic. I will sign off like this when things are platonic, I really like the person AND the boundary is clear that we're not seeking romance with each other. 

But back to you? Are you attracted to her? 

Just occurs to me that really romantic interest is usually expressed through the conversation and energy between two people, not just by a signoff. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Grumpy Bob]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

not just by a signoff. 

That was just an example.
As I said, she uses it in coversation.  eg telling me "I love you to the moon and back."

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, is she smiling when she says this? You have to describe the context more. What is the energy between you two before she utters these words?

[Grumpy Bob]

Keeping in mind that my knowledge of romantic relationships is limited to what I have learnt, from 30 years married to a psychotic narcissist, and from watching reruns of Friends.  Hence it was my understanding that when a woman says "I love you," that I'm supposed to respond with something more than "Thanks, that's nice."

[Grumpy Bob]

I perhaps haven't been clear.  As I mentioned "Is it a sign she wants more?  Or just indicative of instability?"

I'm fumbling in the dark here (or else I wouldn't be asking for advice on the internet.)  

I'm trying to be a friend, in fact I'm trying to be a better friend.  Whilst at the same time trying to figure out what that means.

I mean the only people in my life that say they love me, are my kids, and my older brother.

And my feeling towards her, are extremely complicated.  (Or perhaps my feelings are simple, but the situation is complicated.)
As a friend, I care about her deeply, in fact I may love her, it's hard to tell.  
Keeping it Platonic is complicated, because she is extremely attractive.  But not impossible.  Apart from some unrequited interest way back, our friendship has been healthily platonic for some time.  I'm just trying to figure out if things are shifting.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Grumpy Bob said:

. I'm just trying to figure out if things are shifting.

Well if you've always been attracted to her, things aren't shifting. They're not platonic on your end and you're hoping this message means more than "luv ya" as a friend. There's only one way to find out. Ask her out on a date.

[glows]

Is there anything stopping you from asking her out on a date? You may be overthinking this. "Is it a sign she wants more?  Or just indicative of instability?" You’re not her psychiatrist. All you need to know is she’ll accept a date with you. 

Be careful not to go down the rabbithole dissecting the reasons or speculate someone’s mental health.

She may explain kindly she doesn’t things that way with you or she’ll accept and you both will move on as a couple. It’s between the both of you and only she can answer your question.

[JTSW]

On 10/28/2022 at 10:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

There's only one way to find out. Ask her out on a date.

I agree with this. 

It's the only way you'll find out if there is anything between you.