Ex Boy friend visiting

[glows]

Their reactions are a bit odd, OP. She thinks you’re jealous and emotional (not logical) and he is crying. Does this not seem a little over the top to you? 

You do seem set on sweeping this under the rug and continuing on. I wouldn’t be too surprised this continues to come up where she minimizes your concerns and he finds ways to stay in contact with her whether with the emotional guilt tripping or carelessness in planning. She’s selfish and immature keeping him on the hook if he’s so pushed to being upset to the point of crying. The problem is actually your gf, not him. 

Sometimes early on enough a person may hope that bond becomes stronger by ignoring a lot of red flags. Ultimately this is your choice and what you see is in fact what you get. You may just have to see for yourself where this leads or figure this out for yourself. I really don’t think many would tolerate this or put up with this for long. 

[Alpacalia]

Her explanations are entangling you in a web of confusion.

As your girlfriend lacks boundaries with her ex, it's likely that you don't trust her. It's here that you need to zoom in.

Having her past love hang out at her house isn't exactly cause for trust.

Her ex isn't a villainous witch holding her captive in a castle tower.

Your girlfriend should not be ok with this, you shouldn't be. This is your girlfriend's ex, someone she used to be in a relationship with. Setting up house and camping out at her apartment is not cool.

[d123]

The funny thing is that when she asked if it was ok for her ex to stay at her home 3 weeks ago, I replied it wont be a  problem, with no inhibitions at all though I was bit apprehensive of him to stay at her place but still didn't worry about at all then. On the contrary, she told me right then that if same thing happened to me ( if my ex visited the city and stayed at my place) she wont agree to it at all since she likes me too much and won't be able to handle it. She would have offered me strict choice of her or my ex. She further mentioned she dreaded that conversation about his visit and was surprised how I did not reject any of their plans.

Looking back I feel I was so silly and naïve to readily agree for his visit and let him stay at her place and spend so much time with her. Obviously they are still in contact(even though I didnt see her phone). But I really hope he left at noon on Tuesday and had time to reflect on his actions here  and how he sucked her time off too without considering her work and rest time since we returned from Mexico trip of 7 days right before he landed in the city. She said too that he is self-centered and generally likes to do what he wants and she didnt draw boundaries on how much time she could spend with him and told me few times that he should have left on Monday.

Edited October 20, 2022 by d123

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, d123 said:

She would have offered me strict choice of her or my ex.

He's not the problem. She and her choices are. Notice she gave him an earful of "d123 feels this, d123 said that" to make you look like the villain.. She didn't, on her own accord, stand up and tell him herself "I don't think it's a good idea, I'm seeing someone now". What a set-up for you to fall. So she looks good to the ex.

Additionally, so far she has accused you of being "illogical" and "possessive".  And she admits to being a hypocrite. It may still work out for a time, but if dating these past 60 days is any indication of her (lack of) integrity, you're in for a rough ride. In my opinion anyone who's still hung up on their ex says "there's nothing there we're just good friends".

Edited October 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, d123 said:

But I really hope he left at noon on Tuesday and had time to reflect on his actions here 

Oh, boy. OP, time to get real. This guy doesn't give two F's about his actions and how that might damage your relationship. 

It's her that is the problem for your relationship. None of this would have been possible without her active participation. So forget about him and worry more about the woman you are dating. She is the one causing issues. Not him. 

[glows]

This is still very odd. Why do you need to tell her you’re uncomfortable beforehand with the ex staying over when she herself would be uncomfortable with a situation like this if the tables were turned? 

You treat others the way you’d want to be treated. And she couldn’t do that. It’s a double standard.

My thoughts are she goofed pretty badly. Her ex is selfish and she likes the attention anyway. It’s all very kneejerk and that leaves you caught in the middle because you’re dealing with people who are selfish to start, immature, thoughtless. 

Maybe this blows over or maybe it doesn’t but did it need to happen? Probably not. Are you still turned on when you think of her? Or nah? You care about her and the relationship may be able to grow from this if she realizes where she went wrong.

The whole ex thing is a downer. Remember that we choose our company. It’s best not to be too passive about that or have double standards. She chooses to remain in contact with a selfish person. If she can’t let go eventually or you don’t see eye to eye, move on.

Edited October 21, 2022 by glows

[d123]

Definitely everyone had issues here . If i had not agreed firmly right away before hand, it would have been better but I underestimated the gravity of events. Also I am still not sure why she was so keen for him to visit when she herself said she would not be fine if my ex did the same thing.

Her ex is certainly a douche bag who is not sensitive to any matter. In spite of his many friends arguing against his visit , he still went for it. Even though she was conveying him my concerns everyday, he did not flinch and proceeded with his stay and did not even offer himself to stay in airbnb/hotel. She should have been more firm with him and was trying to please me and him at the same time and this got blown out of proportion.

More context about me and me gf. I am 33 and she is 38. We first met for drinks first week of August and then I had my work trip/vacation where we did not meet for another 3 weeks. However, we were regularly texting every day in those 3 weeks time and connected well. After I returned back we had another 2 dates after which she went for a trip to Italy in first week of Sept for tourism for about 5 days or so. She did not visit her ex though since Switzerland was close to her places of visit in northern Italy. She told me that she wont visit him. She points out that that is the reason to show me that she is not interested in him anymore. We were in constant touch during her visit in Italy too.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, d123 said:

Also I am still not sure why she was so keen for him to visit

Probably because she still likes him, OP. 

It's time to be honest with yourself here: a woman who is into you and has no feelings for her would never agree to this plan. 

10 hours ago, d123 said:

In spite of his many friends arguing against his visit , he still went for it. Even though she was conveying him my concerns everyday, he did not flinch and proceeded with his stay and did not even offer himself to stay in airbnb/hotel.

Of course he went for it. He doesn't give a crap about you, dude. He knew she wanted him to stay with her as well. Again, you're deflecting blame and painting him as the bad guy, when actually it's your girlfirend and she is even worse. She's the one dating someone else, not him. It's up to her to draw a line and she didn't. 

You need to take off your blinders and take a good, hard look at who you are dating here. It's a major red flag on several levels. 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, d123 said:

  she went for a trip to Italy in first week of Sept . We were in constant touch during her visit in Italy too.

Why are they still in this dance together? Of course it's up to you how long you want to vie for someone like this thinking you're in competition with this guy for her. He's still very much in the picture and you are marginalised.

[Acacia98]

On 10/20/2022 at 7:39 PM, d123 said:

The funny thing is that when she asked if it was ok for her ex to stay at her home 3 weeks ago, I replied it wont be a  problem, with no inhibitions at all though I was bit apprehensive of him to stay at her place but still didn't worry about at all then. On the contrary, she told me right then that if same thing happened to me ( if my ex visited the city and stayed at my place) she wont agree to it at all since she likes me too much and won't be able to handle it. She would have offered me strict choice of her or my ex. She further mentioned she dreaded that conversation about his visit and was surprised how I did not reject any of their plans.

So basically, she knows right from wrong, and she will lay those boundaries down very firmly when it comes to your behavior. But concerning her behavior, she'll try to push the boundaries and see what she can get away with. Funnily enough, her response to you also very strongly suggests that she's the kind of person who manufactures drama out of thin air. 

Tell me something: why was she dreading having the conversation with you? Dread is such a strong emotion. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that she *really* wanted her ex to stay with her? Why didn't she just take the initiative to call her ex and modify their plans so that he wouldn't be spending nights in her home and wouldn't take up too much of her free time? Why didn't she do all of this before even having a conversation with you about her ex's visit? Isn't that what an emotionally mature person who wanted to safeguard her budding relationship would do?

What stands out to me is this: you've only been together for 2 months and you are essentially fighting another guy to establish your place in your girlfriend's life. Doesn't that trouble you? Remember, she's not some object/prize that you're fighting for. You can't own her. She either chooses to be with you or she doesn't (through her words and actions). Also, you're supposed to have standards of your own. And you're supposed to be referring back to those standards and asking yourself if she measures up to them. So, for example, you shouldn't force her to throw her ex out of her home. Instead, you should take a step back and observe her to see what she does on her own initiative without any interference from you. That will tell you what sort of person she is.

I just want to add that I was surprised to read she was 38 (did I read that right?) in one of your posts. I honestly thought she and her ex were in their early 20s based on their behavior.

Edited October 24, 2022 by Acacia98

[Tiddytok5]

Trust your instincts.

If it was planned beforehand (before you) (which may not have been) all she had to do was tell him beforehand it would be best if he didn't come at all because she's seeing someone now.

I don't believe it was planned before you.   If it was, she had almost 2 months to inform him not to come..and possibly be refunded.  

There's something going on between them..still.   Sounds like they want to be with one another but are playing games.  She perhaps is trying to make him jealous and play games.

Also, pump your breaks and slow down on this relationship.   She doesn't need to be sleeping at your place or be invited in.  Too soon for all of that.   It's been 8 weeks??   This isn't something that doesn't qualify as being "serious".    

She sounds like she's using you, and you're a rebound.   If she was interested in you genuinely, there's no way that she should have allowed that visit to happen.

Stop letting her take advantage of you.   She invited him there, he's her problem to accommodate.  Tell her to go back home and tell him to get a hotel or go back home.   It's not your problem. It's not your responsibility to house her at night. Do not let her sleep over.  I hope that you know that it is highly likely that she arranged this visit to happen after dating you. 

Also, it's not going to be over between them, once he leaves.  I highly advise you to leave her alone, block, and delete permanently.  Things are going to get worse if you stay.

Edited October 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[IrinaM]

I can't believe this woman is 38. yikes. I assumed it was a 20 year old.

This little drama she choreographed is called "triangulation." She tells you bad stuff about him, she trash-talks to him about you, and voila men are vying for her attention.

I'm also confused: was he staying at her house because he wants to visit her dog, or was he coming in town on some kind of high-powered executive business and wanted to stay with his ex to save money?

[glows]

On 10/21/2022 at 11:49 AM, d123 said:

If i had not agreed firmly right away before hand, it would have been better but I underestimated the gravity of events. Also I am still not sure why she was so keen for him to visit when she herself said she would not be fine if my ex did the same thing.

The worst case scenario is that she’s manipulative and a complete energy vampire. I agree about the comment on triangulation. 

The best case scenario is she’s childish and you’re slipping into a parent/guardian role not trusting her judgment overall. 

None of this sounds healthy. I’m sorry you got caught up with this person. If you move on, don’t let this be a chip on your shoulder either. Not everyone pulls crap like this. Heal and move forwards.