Ex Boy friend visiting

[d123]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

See, I think these sorts of arrangements need to be changed when a couple breaks up - especially when one is dating someone new. 

I would not allow an ex to stay in my house. I wouldn't care if it was planned before.  He could find a hotel if he still wanted to do the trip, and if he was unable to afford that, he shouldn't be coming. 

I find the whole thing inapprorpriate, but it tells you a lot about her boundaries and how different they are from yours. 

 

I agree. It is quite strange situation apparently ex’s friends suggested strongly not to visit but he still went forward since he wanted to spend time with her dog. The dog was 1 year old when they would walk the dog in parks and hikes in their older city where they used to live.

8 hours ago, glows said:

At the end of the day this is your choice. Some people are more easygoing or place less importance on faithfulness or have a high threshold for drama so keep this in mind too. 

YOU choose what life you want. If you feel this woman deserves your time, go for it. See where this goes and be open in your communication. 

Personally this is no decision at all. I’d probably become less and less responsive and lose attraction due to her choices. Enjoy your time together if you’re still into her.

[Alpacalia]

30 minutes ago, d123 said:

Yes definitely I agree. I had never faced similar kind of situation before and did not know how to positively analyze and react to this. Part of fault lies within me too since I didn’t create those boundaries I guess.

How do you think I should go forward with this since it already happened now?

In the event that you choose to proceed, I suggest having a heart-to-heart and something along the lines of (and other members may have a more fitting response than I, but here goes):

I do not want to be the type of boyfriend who restricts his girlfriend's freedom. Your ex staying in your apartment wasn't a pleasant situation for me. It places me in an awkward position, one that I have no desire to be in. Is this likely to become an ongoing recurrence in the future?

So, for that matter, would be deciding that this is a boundary for you, that you don’t think this is something you could be cool with and that if that’s a thing that she’s going to insist on, then it’s better for both of you to break up.

[d123]

4 hours ago, petee said:

All good here. Had the couch been offered etc then heck yes, problems!

This seems legit, and whilst it wouldn’t be what any guy wanted, this was done without you even in her head. 
It’ll be over tomorrow and you can get on with things. Couple things, that can only go from previous highs to new highs.

If the world was perfect we’d never have to take risks and fear investing in people.

Trust your gut feeling, she sounds like a good ‘un.

I do not, for one millisecond believe this is unfinished business;  you know the lady.

Let this be the last time you are placed in a position like this, though!!

More context here is that that Ex is based in Switzerland and had work in South Carolina for a week and had brief off days on weekend and Monday . They planned he could visit my city during the off work period before heading back to his home.

His main goal before coming here was to spend time with her dog( He also had spent time with the dog which was a pup during their relationship for a year) and visit the city.

Definitely screw up on my part too since I should have raised huge red flags when she told me about this. I had naively agreed without any concern before.

Edited October 17, 2022 by d123

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, d123 said:

His main goal before coming here was to spend time with her dog

Dude. You don't really believe that, do you? 

 

[glows]

A lot of us are dog lovers here, OP. I’ve always had dogs. They’re family and I can see the pull but let’s not detract from reality here. They don’t share any children and he continued to stay at her place even though he knew about you. What kind of person does that with no consideration for the relationship except himself? Even if she is confused or has no boundaries or feels obligated, this never would have gotten as far if he refused to go in the first place. 

As for her, what a whole lot of headache. She isn’t uncaring or oblivious/in her own world with her ex. She is checking up on you and what a lot of wasted energy and convoluted drama. Why not eliminate the constant checking up on you and boot her ex to the curb or at least establish he’s not welcome? You can’t please everyone and this person hasn’t learned this yet. 

I do not actually suspect there’s any cheating going on. What does seem like a total waste of life, energy and time is the checking up on you and putting on airs like she cares. She needs to make better decisions without trying to please everyone and move on with her life if she intends to with another man.

Edited October 18, 2022 by glows

[Acacia98]

You clearly aren't comfortable with the situation. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. And that's because I'm not in the habit of remaining friends with exes, let alone inviting them to stay with me (whether or not I'm dating someone new). Experience has taught me that I'm best off dating a man who has similar boundaries to me in this particular sense.

You can't police her and tell her what to do. But you can certainly take the time to sit down and think about her decision-making and boundary-setting habits and whether they're compatible with yours.

I will add this: sometimes we make not so great decisions and realize it after the fact then try to fix them or do better next time. Those decisions are not necessarily a reflection of who we typically are. So I'm all for giving her the benefit of the doubt. But there's something I don't understand. If she's concerned enough about the situation to keep checking on you, why didn't she simply have a talk with her ex and try to set up an alternative accommodation arrangement for him? If he's a true friend and wishes her well, he would understand. Is she a people-pleaser? Or does she feel beholden to him in some way?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, d123 said:

.His main goal before coming here was to spend time with her dog.

Trust your instincts. Do you really believe he is staying with her just to visit the dog?

Try not to get stuck in technicalities such as "they planned this before you". The fact is you're here now and they're still going through with this.

Unfortunately it's doubtful you'll view her or this budding relationship the same way. Someone who pulls stunts like this is someone you'll wonder about.

Keep in mind, it's very early on so cutting your losses is easy. It doesn't matter if they're having sex or not (don't kid yourself that sex only happens at night), what matters is colossally poor judgement on her part and what seems like baloney such as he's mainly staying with her to visit the dog.

[poppyfields]

OP, the ex is leaving today correct?  

Please update us with the outcome and I hope it all works out the way you hope. 

Edited to add:  I believe in following one's own intuition.

However, be careful to not allow your emotions (jealousy, anxiety) to substitute for intuition and most importantly to not allow your emotions to drive you ship.

 

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

OP, jmo of course but if she were cheating, I hardly think she would have invited you to meet him and spend time, the three of you. 

I doubt HE (the ex) would have wanted that either!

IF in fact, cheating is what you're concerned about. 

I agree she made some very poor decisions.

I understand the plans were made before you met however she's now in an exclusive relationship and the better decision would have been to tell him that circumstances changed, and if he's still intent on coming (not to just see her), then best to stay at a hotel. 

Or not visit at all. 

But despite good intentions, people do make bad decisions sometimes, there are no perfect people. 

I do think she tried her best to her assuage your fears, now it's up to you. 

He's leaving today so perhaps it's best to take some time, allow the dust to settle and go from there. 

Whether it's moving forward together or parting ways. 

It's still early stages, the time to observe and if what you have observed is not to your liking, you're perfectly justified in walking away.

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[petee]

17 hours ago, d123 said:

More context here is that that Ex is based in Switzerland and had work in South Carolina for a week and had brief off days on weekend and Monday . They planned he could visit my city during the off work period before heading back to his home.

His main goal before coming here was to spend time with her dog( He also had spent time with the dog which was a pup during their relationship for a year) and visit the city.

Definitely screw up on my part too since I should have raised huge red flags when she told me about this. I had naively agreed without any concern before.

I’m sure there’s relief now, problem over and all done and dusted.

you were pretty concerned for someone dating for 8 weeks, which is as it should be.

she’d be a pretty dire person to insist he went to the expense of a hotel, when she could do the right thing and snuggle up to you.

GF was aware of that, and I think she’s acted the only way she could or should have. All looking good, you’ll pick up any wrong vibes fairly swiftly, but genuinely just get back into the swing of things!

You've done just fine, let us know how GF is.

Apart from that a quick update on matters will give us all closure, and for you it will draw a line under a one-off!

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by petee
Forgot to mention the rudeness of making them stay and pay at a hotel.

[d123]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

OP, jmo of course but if she were cheating, I hardly think she would have invited you to meet him and spend time, the three of you. 

I doubt HE (the ex) would have wanted that either!

IF in fact, cheating is what you're concerned about. 

I agree she made some very poor decisions.

I understand the plans were made before you met however she's now in an exclusive relationship and the better decision would have been to tell him that circumstances changed, and if he's still intent on coming (not to just see her), then best to stay at a hotel. 

Or not visit at all. 

But despite good intentions, people do make bad decisions sometimes, there are no perfect people. 

I do think she tried her best to her assuage your fears, now it's up to you. 

He's leaving today so perhaps it's best to take some time, allow the dust to settle and go from there. 

Whether it's moving forward together or parting ways. 

It's still early stages, the time to observe and if what you have observed is not to your liking, you're perfectly justified in walking away.

 

Yes he’s leaving today . I had thought that his flight was at noon but found out yesterday his flight was midnight. I felt very awkward and flabbergasted that she would spend another evening or so with him showing him around.

last night I was just thinking about this situation hardly and thought he should pack his bags and leave her house at noon and I was adamant he should do it. I felt she shouldn’t drop him off at airport too.

in the morning I told her this at 8 am before I was heading to office. She seemed quite upset and confused that he could work(since he needs to work today)at her home till evening and then leave and it wouldn’t make difference.

I told her my thoughts how troubling the thoughts of stay had become and I couldn’t sleep proper in the night thinking of him. I was stubborn that she should understand my troubling situation and he has to leave at noon no matter what . She tried to argue on this but she sent him the message regarding this.

i had to go to office at 8.30 and she texted me a bit later that he agreed for the request of finding his own way till night. I hope he really left at noon (since it’s bit past noon here now) and not stay any longer since I obviously cannot check and show up her home because I’m at office(even though I really wanted to check)

Me and her agreed to hike a bit and hang out with her dog outside at 5 pm today. 

I hope there are no hard feelings on both sides from today and things smoothen out. I was thinking definitely that she was trying not to make him anxious regarding this and wanted him to stay over till evening till he finishes his work.

what a strange, weird, useless 4 days of my life. 

Edited October 18, 2022 by d123

[petee]

11 minutes ago, d123 said:

Yes he’s leaving today . I had thought that his flight was at noon but found out yesterday his flight was midnight. I felt very awkward and flabbergasted that she would spend another evening or so with him showing him around.

last night I was just thinking about this situation hardly and thought he should pack his bags and leave her house at noon and I was adamant he should do it. I felt she shouldn’t drop him off at airport too.

in the morning I told her this at 8 am before I was heading to office. She seemed quite upset and confused that he could work(since he needs to work today)at her home till evening and then leave and it wouldn’t make difference.

I told her my thoughts how troubling the thoughts of stay had become and I couldn’t sleep proper in the night thinking of him. I was stubborn that she should understand my troubling situation and he has to leave at noon no matter what . She tried to argue on this but she sent him the message regarding this.

i had to go to office at 8.30 and she texted me a bit later that he agreed for the request of finding his own way till night. I hope he really left at noon (since it’s bit past noon here now) and not stay any longer since I obviously cannot check and show up her home because I’m at office(even though I really wanted to check)

Me and her agreed to hike a bit and hang out with her dog outside at 5 pm today. 

I hope there are no hard feelings on both sides from today and things smoothen out. I was thinking definitely that she was trying not to make him anxious regarding this and wanted him to stay over till evening till he finishes his work.

what a strange, weird, useless 4 days of my life. 

I thought you were doing so well…. This may come back to bite you in the end, in the form of resentment. I hope not, but that was a bit controlling in my opinion.

Her Ex didn’t deserve that, she knows it, you’ll eventually see that. She was never going to finish work early and go and jump him was she?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, d123 said:

what a strange, weird, useless 4 days of my life. 

Sorry all this is happening. She seems to prioritize him. Unfortunately, this is not how a budding relationship should feel. Perhaps it's good her poor judgement showed up this early. Zoom out and carefully observe her behaviors (including pouting that he should go to the airport himself).

[d123]

1 hour ago, petee said:

I thought you were doing so well…. This may come back to bite you in the end, in the form of resentment. I hope not, but that was a bit controlling in my opinion.

Her Ex didn’t deserve that, she knows it, you’ll eventually see that. She was never going to finish work early and go and jump him was she?

The fact that he already stayed 4 nights and almost spending 5 nights with his flight time triggered the worst emotional responses from my side. If it was one weekend it was totally manageable but my emotions were getting worse by the day and I’m shocked he doesn’t feel that others are uncomfortable with such long stay especially when he’s an ex. I had suggested my girl he’s for sure spoiling our very happy times together and she felt sorry this is contributing to that.
 

He has pretty high paying job and almost President of a company and still ended up staying in her apt to save money showed his miserly nature and came to the trip with free airlines miles.Though he said he came to visit her dog, she told me he wouldn’t clean her poop from ground just shows that he didn’t want to just visit and take care of the dog after all.

Also, before visiting many of his closest friends suggested he’s utterly crazy that he’s still visiting her inspite of us being seriously into each other.

I feel he doesn’t care of what others are thinking and wants to just do his thing no matter what. I felt I should kick him out no matter what too to show that he’s totally not welcome in any situation when things can get sensitive like relationships.

My gf was saying I m responding very emotionally and not thinking logically . I said all these thinking last few days made me this way and I cannot help it and requested her a lot to do this for me.

I couldn’t control my emotions for sure but i feel he deserved it as well..

Edited October 18, 2022 by d123

[poppyfields]

OP I don't think it would have been rude for her to suggest he stay at a hotel, it doesn't have to be expensive and it was HIS choice to visit.

It's called being respectful to you and your relationship given she is in an exclusive serious relationship with you.

 

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, d123 said:

He has pretty high paying job and almost President of a company and still ended up staying in her apt

My gf was saying I m responding very emotionally and not thinking logically .

I agree with your friends that this situation is simply bizarre. Obviously he did not stay with her for economic reasons. 

Her remark is referred to as ".gaslighting". It's intended to make you feel crazy for not accepting this bizarre situation.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, d123 said:

Also, before visiting many of his closest friends suggested he’s utterly crazy that he’s still visiting her inspite of us being seriously into each other.

I feel he doesn’t care of what others are thinking and wants to just do his thing no matter what. I felt I should kick him out no matter what too to show that he’s totally not welcome in any situation when things can get sensitive like relationships.

(...)

I couldn’t control my emotions for sure but i feel he deserved it as well..

You do realize that his behavior is not really the problem, right? The actual problem where you are concerned has always been your girlfriend's behavior. Even if you somehow managed to convince me that he was an utter villain, we can't run away from the fact that she was the one who opened the door and invited him to stay.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this chick is mature enough for a serious relationship with you, OP. 

She's got insanely flimsy boundaries. I would next her. 

[Alpacalia]

Look OP. We all have our deal breakers. I've lost interest in a man or two for mildly flirting in front of me when we weren't even in a relationship. It just kind of kills the interest. Everybody has a limit, so it's okay if this is yours.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, d123 said:

My gf was saying I m responding very emotionally and not thinking logically .

There's nothing "logical" about some exbf staying at her place. This statement added to the already strained and strange situation she created, indicates that something is amiss with her. This may be the first in a series of "worst 4 days" so try to reflect if this convoluted thinking she seems to have is worth the aggravation.

[petee]

In hindsight, perhaps your gf was wrong to connect with you? At least until after her ex, but let’s just them her friend, had visited.

company director of a major company, or a janitor of. A trash office, it is rude to change the arrangement, making them pay for a hotel room.

I think you and gf need to re-evaluate if you can stay together, if this has rocked the core. This was arranged before you were on the scene, she didn’t sleep there, and she confided in you. It was pre-arranged.

somehow I don’t think you’ll get much further, as she did what she could to ease things for you.

We all have a past, but that doesn’t mean you needed to stomp your feet. Time will tell.

[glows]

18 hours ago, d123 said:

The fact that he already stayed 4 nights and almost spending 5 nights with his flight time triggered the worst emotional responses from my side. If it was one weekend it was totally manageable but my emotions were getting worse by the day and I’m shocked he doesn’t feel that others are uncomfortable with such long stay especially when he’s an ex. I had suggested my girl he’s for sure spoiling our very happy times together and she felt sorry this is contributing to that.
 

He has pretty high paying job and almost President of a company and still ended up staying in her apt to save money showed his miserly nature and came to the trip with free airlines miles.Though he said he came to visit her dog, she told me he wouldn’t clean her poop from ground just shows that he didn’t want to just visit and take care of the dog after all.

Also, before visiting many of his closest friends suggested he’s utterly crazy that he’s still visiting her inspite of us being seriously into each other.

I feel he doesn’t care of what others are thinking and wants to just do his thing no matter what. I felt I should kick him out no matter what too to show that he’s totally not welcome in any situation when things can get sensitive like relationships.

My gf was saying I m responding very emotionally and not thinking logically . I said all these thinking last few days made me this way and I cannot help it and requested her a lot to do this for me.

I couldn’t control my emotions for sure but i feel he deserved it as well..

Her reaction to your concerns is all you need to know. You have some idea about him or what type of man he is inserting himself there at the expense of others. In any case it’s the reactions and response from your gf that you should be paying very close attention to. 

She dismissed your concern or feelings suggesting they’re illogical. If this doesn’t make sense to you stop trying to change her. This is who she is. Make it less a power struggle and battle of wills. Exit and move on. 

Edited October 19, 2022 by glows

[petee]

OP, you don’t know me, or any other poster here, our reasons for being here and what anyone’s objectives are.

Read everything, digest everything but act on your own analysis and decision making. Nobody can tell you what to do, that’s the bit when an opinion clouds facts.

[d123]

Yesterday, when she told him that he needs to leave, he complained that it’s ridiculous such thing is happening in morning with no heads up a day before.

Apparently he’s type of person who needs some plan and preparation before hand. My gf said that if I had said about this on Monday, it would have been all good. She was worried it was too last minute and too arbitrary because he had to work too yesterday.

while leaving she said he cried and never wanted to create such kind of conflicting environment for us. He promised he would never visit the city again but we are welcome to visit him if we visit him in Switzerland or Italy. She said it’s easily the worst timing of his visit and he agreed too.

During dinner last night, we went over the whole situation taking her opinion on this. She said I should have talked to her on sat or sun and she felt he should have been in Airbnb instead and then shown him the city for 1 day or 1.5 day and then he’s on his own. On Saturday night she mentioned that if I was getting so uncomfortable with this, she’s totally fine that he will be in Airbnb and won’t seem until he leaves since she already spent a day then.However, I was hesitant because he’s already her guest and would be too rude to do this after he landed.(Maybe I should have done it ?)
 

she told him many times to change flights to Monday night or evening and look for alternate options and agreed he was spending little too much time too in the city with her. However he didn’t put that effort to change. Also he claimed I was being super possessive for asking him to leave after 4 days of staying and so much spending time. I felt shocked when she told me this and she told him too that i wasn’t possessive at all since I gave them so much time.

I felt she didn’t want to burn the bridges with him completely and wasn’t firm enough and was trying hard to not displease too much about him regarding the stay. She tried to play safe on both sides.

Definitely I was the sitting duck in the whole scenario having never faced issue of jealousy or being exs involved in some kind of strange environment like this.

I tried to not raise his name all day after I left her in morning. Only at dinner while leaving we discussed the post Mortem situation and talked about from our perspectives.

Hope the dust settles down soon and we can get on with our normal lives asap which was what I said yesterday morning before I said I want him out of her home and not see him for the day….

Edited October 19, 2022 by d123

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, d123 said:

he claimed I was being super possessive

And..... there it is. He's already intruding in your budding relationship, disrespecting you, trash talking you, etc.. Those two did a postmortem on you and, according to him, your faults.  She was happy to throw you under the bus and make you look like the bad guy. This woman has him in her pocket and she will run your relationship by him. So back to square one with "three is a crowd". Even if he is not in town, she will run to him and those two will talk about you rather than you two deciding for yourselves..

Edited October 19, 2022 by Wiseman2