From Someone Cursed with Loneliness, and the Cursed Strikes Again

[cursed_n_lonely]

Folks,

I don't even know what it is I'm doing, or if I did something wrong. But it must be me, and as well my curse. It's not easy, sitting here, trying to write this, especially because she had blocked my phone number this morning (or I assume so), and hence, I hope you will all A). point me to where my thread is suppose to belong to, and B). chime in if you feel like it. 

I met her, over three years ago, in university. I didn't care for a relationship, and I thought all I needed was get it done and get out. But then, I was seated next to her, per the professor's request. She forgot her book, and we shared our books. We became a type of reliance that anyone in the military would know of this system. But after that Winter quarter, I wouldn't see her again, and briefly lost contact with her, until Fall begins. 

Fall quickly settled in, and, much to my surprise, I met her again. We were on the same team about everything, even though I was a controversial figure in class, and was hated by many, but she would not budge, and would be by my side. We would do anything we can to make sure each other is okay. And so the day came, when the quarter would finally be over, and we were finishing up our essays. When I learned that she had a lot to push through, that she needed to graduate early, and that we might not see each other next quarter, I felt my heart sank. I tried to deny, but I couldn't deny it anymore - she meant everything to me, then and now. 

A Christmas miracle happened... 

Came January, when class began again. I came into the class with a sour mood, trying to cope with the fact that I could text her. Turns out, she was right behind me. We ended up in the same class again. That Christmas miracle came true. I was perplexed to the point of saturated in absolute blissfulness. 

We would have many adventures together. She gave me my first Valentine's day. No, we didn't get to do anything fancy, because I still had too much boundaries up - I'll explain later - but that ride home from USCIS, under the light February sunlight, with that cold, Northwest air, it was all that magical heart pounding feeling that I had never felt before. I know what that feeling is, and even though I didn't act on it, fearing that the stupidity of youth may ruin it, it lingered on, all the way throughout summer. It's either us against the whole world in class, or else the phone calls at day's end. I could have never imagined a world without her. 

But at the end of that summer, when she moved south, that was when I first lost her...

Not able to hear her voice was agonizing. Not seeing her text was painful. I missed her, day and night. I only had her picture by my side. I even took her picture with me to work, thinking of the act as carrying a piece of her with me. The only thing, thus far, that she had given me, besides the unquestioning amount of support and companionship. 

Just when I thought I lost her for good, we were able to reconnect March this year. It was amazing, getting to hear her voice again. I was even able to introduce her to my mother. Knowing that she was in constant hardship since she left, I did everything I could to support her. But yet, out of fear of my curse, I still said nothing, besides, literally, telling her that she means everything to me. 

Two weeks ago, I don't know if it was a typo, a mistake, or intentionally, she texted me, thanking me as her husband. It was blissful. I felt happy. I felt like all that which my heart and soul had been wanting to scream aloud has been heard, and by her, no less. I began to call her by endearing terms, and it went on for two weeks. 

Until just this Thursday... And until this morning...

Ever since a lengthy text from her, and one more followed by me, explaining myself, because she wouldn't pick up my calls - I had wanted to talk to her via a phone call to explain myself properly - as of this morning, my calls to her had been redirected to voicemail. No ringtone, no nothing, just straight to voicemail. 

I can't believe I lost her again. This time, to my stupidity. 

Thanks a lot, curse. 

Ever since I was cradled in my mother's arms, fortune tellers had told my mother that I was destined to be lonely, well into the day I die. It was always apparent, especially when, growing up, girls hated my guts, but their parents only wanted to be chummy because they saw potentials in my mother's money. Then my mother got into fortune telling herself, and it was no different from her end. I was always an oddball, but that just hurts. Going to college was no different - they hated my guts, and one even attempted to accuse me of stalking because I wore Ray-Bans. 

She was all the difference that made my world felt rewarding. She made it different for me. She was the kind distraction that, for any given amount of time, a year, month, week, day, hour, minute, or even second, made me feel like my curse can be lifted, and that I, too, can be happy. 

Sometimes, I honestly have to ask why this world has given me nothing but despair... Where others seek superficiality, I seek genuineness. Why, then, why is it am I yet again cursed to a fate worse than death? 

What did I do wrong, darling, to make you distance yourself from me again? Is my unnamed affection and attention towards you that bad? Was it because I cared too much?

I miss her. I miss being able to at least receive a text from her. I miss hearing her voice. I miss knowing that, even though physical distance keeps us apart, we can still be close. 

Folks, it sounds childish, chuunibiyou as heck, and maybe I'm coping, but frankly, I'm just cursed to a fate of loneliness, it seems... I cannot say it out loud, and I don't even know if I can even write it out. I just do it, let my actions do the volumes, and workaround with terms of endearment. I thought I did it. I really did. 

Well, looks like it isn't the "I did it" that I hoped for...

 

[basil67]

I don't know if my advice will resonate because I'm not spiritual and do not believe in curses. However I will try.

28 minutes ago, cursed_n_lonely said:

Ever since a lengthy text from her, and one more followed by me, explaining myself,

What did she write in this lengthy text which led you explaining yourself?  It sounds to me like she expressed her displeasure at something you did/didn't do and you felt the need to defend yourself.  Or perhaps she was completely wrong in her interpretation of something?   What's the story?

You also say that you're controversial and hated by many.  If this is true, it's not a curse which makes your life difficult, but your attitude. One of the things which many men and women look for in a partner is someone who gets on well with our friends and family.  Being easy going and generally likable makes pretty much everything in your life easier.  What can you do to make yourself more likeable?  Make no mistake, this change will help you find a partner. 

[cursed_n_lonely]

Just now, basil67 said:

I don't know if my advice will resonate because I'm not spiritual and do not believe in curses. However I will try.

What did she write in this lengthy text which led you explaining yourself?  It sounds to me like she expressed her displeasure at something you did/didn't do and you felt the need to defend yourself.  Or perhaps she was completely wrong in her interpretation of something?   What's the story?

You also say that you're controversial and hated by many.  If this is true, it's not a curse which makes your life difficult, but your attitude. One of the things which many men and women look for in a partner is someone who gets on well with our friends and family.  Being easy going and generally likable makes pretty much everything in your life easier.  What can you do to make yourself more likeable?  Make no mistake, this change will help you find a partner. 

I don't think you're catching on quite yet. But that's okay. I guess I needed an outlet is all. I don't care to be likeable, and she knows that well, too. I am a man of my own integrity, and while I maintain my politeness to a Old Londoner standard, I will not sellout for likes. She's more than okay with that. It's just that, I guess I got found out, and now we can speak to each other anymore. 

 

 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, cursed_n_lonely said:

I guess I got found out

What does this mean?  What did she discover?

I did not suggest you sell out for likes.  I suggested that you become a pleasant person so that you can have love in your life.  It does not seem as if you're happy to end up as a lonely curmudgeon

Edited October 16, 2022 by basil67

[cursed_n_lonely]

Just now, basil67 said:

What does this mean?  What did she discover?

Basil, I already addressed that part more than well enough in my first post, did I not? I cannot say it. Not because I did not want to, or need to, but that I cannot. It has happened before. I cannot say it. I don't even know if I can write it. If you've gone this far reading my post, then you should know what IT is.

I can easily just cope and say that I have had a few bad cases before. It might even be true - one was a rebellious teen, another one came from a family too strict, then one came from a very unstable household with divorced parents and rocky familial relationship (the one that accused me of stalking because I wore glasses), and then the one before her was a manipulative wench who only needed me because I can provide her a recommendation letter so that she can enter a lab. But this time, Basil, this is just the curse upon me. 

 

 

[basil67]

I have no idea what IT is.   But if you did something terrible, then it's not a curse which made you lose her, it was consequence

Edited October 16, 2022 by basil67

[cursed_n_lonely]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I have no idea what IT is.   But if you did something terrible, then it's not a curse which made you lose her, it was consequence

No, I did nothing that is morally or ethically terrible. If you had read the entire premise, you would have understood. Looks like you didn't. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, cursed_n_lonely said:

  it sounds childish, chuunibiyou as heck, , I'm just cursed to a fate of loneliness.

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you had a crush on her because she was friendly but unfortunately it was an unrequited crush.

Have you tried dating apps? What about joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, taking some classes and courses,etc.This way you could meet a variety of women.

No one is "destined" to be lonely. Build up your  confidence and social life. That's a good place to start.

[cursed_n_lonely]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you had a crush on her because she was friendly but unfortunately it was an unrequited crush.

Have you tried dating apps? What about joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, taking some classes and courses,etc.This way you could meet a variety of women.

No one is "destined" to be lonely. Build up your  confidence and social life. That's a good place to start.

It's not a crush, lad. It never was. It was something else much more. I can't say what it is, because I can't. 

I'm not the type for dating app. I don't do hookups. I don't care for a variety of women, because I've been in that environment before, and they all hated my guts. She was the only one who didn't, until she found out what my feelings truly were. 

I don't want that destiny, but it will intrude, even if I stop it. When no one is destined, then that there, that "no one", will be the one, and I'm the least fortunate of them to be that one. 

[cursed_n_lonely]

It's honestly sad that most people who came here to read my post had little to no understanding of the things I had to make into a riddle in order to partially mask my problems. 

[BrinnM]

Nobody on here wants to do that much guesswork, it seems. If you want honest opinions, you need to explain in clear words what your situation is like. Your OP is already difficult enough to read as is, ain’t nobody got time for solving riddles on top of that, my friend. 

[cursed_n_lonely]

14 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Nobody on here wants to do that much guesswork, it seems. If you want honest opinions, you need to explain in clear words what your situation is like. Your OP is already difficult enough to read as is, ain’t nobody got time for solving riddles on top of that, my friend. 

[ ] . I don't need to know if you can't help. 

 

Edited October 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility