How to stop overthinking when dating?

[lovesfool]

I’ll start by saying that I haven’t had much in my dating life. I don’t tend to like most men and it’s rare that I find someone even worth going on a second date with. I guess I’m just very picky. I’m aware of all of this and I don’t think there’s much I can do about it. I can’t suddenly become attracted to men I wasn’t attracted to before, but I do try to give everyone a chance.

The problem I have is that when I do see potential in a man, even if it’s something small, I end up obsessing over them. I overthink every action they make, or message they send. A lot of the time I make a topic about it here! I don’t come across this way to anyone I’m dating as it’s all in my own thoughts.

I’ll give one example with a current “male suitor”! We’ve been on two dates so far. He seems to be very interested in me. After both dates he asked if I wanted to meet again and I agreed. We provisionally said that we would go on a date today, but I was aware he had a party to go to last night. I gave him an option to skip it by saying we’d check in on the morning, just in case he wasn’t hungover after a long night of partying.

Sure enough, he said he wasn’t feeling good this morning. Totally understandable and I expected it. Yet now I’m constantly thinking about why he’s so short with his messages today, why he’s not asking me about my weekend, why he is online and active on dating apps and not replying to my messages, why he didn’t wait to see how he was feeling later, did he hook up with someone at the party last night etc. We're not in a relationship so I shouldn't care and his behaviour could easily be put down to him being hungover. But for some reason I can’t be rational and see it from his perspective. I know I wouldn’t be too interested in messaging people when I’m feeling that way, and have browsed dating apps to kill time.

I understand it’s not healthy for me to be thinking this way but it’s hard not to. It's like when I see a small bit of hope that this could be decent guy, I just throw logic out the window and second guess everything. Maybe I’m worried about getting hurt and am trying to poke holes in every man I date and get it out of the way. What good could it do me to keep checking if he’s online on dating apps, or checking that he’s read my messages but hasn’t replied yet?

How do you stop yourself from thinking like this? It always makes me sick in my stomach when I do this, but I find it hard to stop caring about guys I’m dating’s behaviour, no matter how minor it might be. I’m sure there’s a healthy level of cautiousness, like looking out for red flags, but how do you stop caring about the inconsequential things?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

he is online and active on dating apps and not replying to my messages,

Sorry you're disappointed. Unfortunately even after 2 good dates, people still browse dating apps. In this case, just step back, let the dust settle and wait for him to contact you. Discontinue texting this much in between dates.

[Alpacalia]

Seeing as you are not accustomed to liking many men after the first date, when you do encounter one that you are interested in, your natural tendency is to want to hold on tight.

I'd suggest consider limiting communication with person to something less than what you do now, try to make some effort and build more distance over time.

[introverted1]

58 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

We provisionally said that we would go on a date today, but I was aware he had a party to go to last night. I gave him an option to skip it by saying we’d check in on the morning, just in case he wasn’t hungover after a long night of partying.

Who suggested making the date "provisional"? 

If him, I'd just tell him we should plan for a different day.

If you, I wouldn't do this.  He's an adult and should know his limits.  It sets the stage for him to be noncommittal in his dates with you, and also sets you up as the grown-up who will plan for contingencies.  It would be different if he was flying back from a business trip and there's a possibility a flight delay would up-end your plans.  This isn't that; it's a decision to get drunk enough the night before that he has to cancel his date with you the next day.  I would not be impressed.

 

 

 

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry you're disappointed. Unfortunately even after 2 good dates, people still browse dating apps. In this case, just step back, let the dust settle and wait for him to contact you. Discontinue texting this much in between dates.

I seem to find most people keep browsing apps until they're in some defined exclusive dating arrangement. I'm the same as well, but it's somewhat to do with boredom and a bit to do with curiosity to see if he's still on the apps. It's bad, I know.

I don't text that much between dates. I think we went about 3 days without texts between our first and second dates and then he reached out to ask if we were still okay for our date that evening.

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Seeing as you are not accustomed to liking many men after the first date, when you do encounter one that you are interested in, your natural tendency is to want to hold on tight.

I'd suggest consider limiting communication with person to something less than what you do now, try to make some effort and build more distance over time.

As I mentioned about, I don't text that much I don't think? I don't know what a lot of communication is without a base line to look at!

52 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Who suggested making the date "provisional"? 

If him, I'd just tell him we should plan for a different day.

If you, I wouldn't do this.  He's an adult and should know his limits.  It sets the stage for him to be noncommittal in his dates with you, and also sets you up as the grown-up who will plan for contingencies.  It would be different if he was flying back from a business trip and there's a possibility a flight delay would up-end your plans.  This isn't that; it's a decision to get drunk enough the night before that he has to cancel his date with you the next day.  I would not be impressed.

 

 

 

I suggested it as provisional. He said we was free Sunday and then I said it may not be the best idea if he was having a late night on Saturday. I couldn't judge him for it because it was a family celebration and he was at the centre of it. I preferred giving him an out now instead of potentially being disappointed on the day if he had to cancel because he was hungover.

[ShyViolet]

It really sounds like you are sabotaging any dating prospects before they can get off the ground.  You sabotage yourself by being impossibly picky.  You have a really high bar for finding people that you would actually be interested in dating.  And then when you do start seeing someone, you look for things to be negative about, or you look for evidence that it's not going to work out.  Maybe seek therapy to work on this.

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I preferred giving him an out now instead of potentially being disappointed on the day if he had to cancel because he was hungover.

It would have made far more sense to tell him that you're looking forward to the date.  This shows that you expect him to meet his commitment.  

Instead, you've just showed that you have low expectations and were fine if he couldn't make the date.  On his end, it would make you look fairly disinterested

 

[NuevoYorko]

Yes, you self sabotage.  

I know it's hard to impossible to have perfect mind control, so you are probably doomed to overthink to an extent.  Some types of therapy can help with this.  What you can do, though, is make some parameters for your own behavior when you are starting to date.  You won't take actions based on your overthinking. 

In this case, the "provisional" date plan was something that would have been better left undone.   If you think he's likely to have a hangover today, then don't make a date for today.  Don't share why (frankly, I'm wondering why you're assuming he would have a hangover.  How old are you both?),  just plan for a few days out.  

What are the qualities that you like about this guy?

 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I suggested it as provisional. He said we was free Sunday and then I said it may not be the best idea if he was having a late night on Saturday. I couldn't judge him for it because it was a family celebration and he was at the centre of it. I preferred giving him an out now instead of potentially being disappointed on the day if he had to cancel because he was hungover.

A) Don't agree to provisional if you don't really mean it!  You gave him an out that you don't really mean!

B) Also similar to what introverted suggested, as soon as he said to you that he was "free" but mentioned a night of partying that he presumably has no way out of since he is the center of attention, you should have suggested a different day than Sunday. IMO if you had done that immediately rather than provide him an "OUT", you would leave yourself open for disappointment and give him a good idea that you don't mess with your own time.   So in a way, what it appears to him (i'd imagine) is that you are super eager to go, so much so that you are devaluing yourself by leaving it conditional and up to him...as if you own time and presence have little to no value.  On top of that you don't really mean it, when you subsequently get miffed because he indeed is hungover and blows you off. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

How do you stop yourself from thinking like this?

You understand that worrying does absolutely nothing to change the outcome of this budding relationship.  In fact, the more you worry and try to control the outcome the more detrimental it is to the success of the relationship because you are building up these stories in your head and building anxiety/resentment where none exist. 

Find yourself something to do to keep busy during these things when you are waiting for contact/dates. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Makes sense that you're "overthinking" because you are dating in a reckless way. Do you like this guy? Yes? No? Do you him A LOT? 

Doesn't matter that he likes you. If you aren't REALLY interested in him then yes, by going forward dating, all you're doing is creating anxiety. 

The most miserable times in my life are when from the start I compromise my standards. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[ShyViolet]

It's strange that you were assuming he might be hungover or might cancel, when he gave you no indication of that.  He said he was free Sunday, and then you started talking about how that might not be the best day, and trying to give him an "out".  He might be interpreting this behavior as YOU not being that interested.  

If you want to plan a date, then just plan a date.  Don't assume he might cancel or be negative about it before it has even happened yet.

Edited October 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove unnecessary quote

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

As I mentioned about, I don't text that much I don't think? I don't know what a lot of communication is without a base line to look at!

What did you say after he texted you that he wasn't feeling well from being hungover? Was there any mention of setting up another date?

Edited October 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I provisionally said that we would go on a date today, but I was aware he had a party to go to last night. I gave him an option to skip it by saying we’d check in on the morning, just in case he wasn’t hungover after a long night of partying.

^^Next time allow a man the opportunity to make his own decisions.  

Your job is to be positive and enthusiastic, not throw a wrench in it by suggesting he might be too hungover and giving him an out.  That wasn't your call to make, it was his. 

He's a grown man, not a child; if he was too hungover, it's HIS job to make the decision to meet you or not and schedule another time.  

By giving him an out, not only were you being disrespectful to him as a man capable of making his own decisions, but you also indicated a lack of interest on your part. 

It would not surprise me if the reason he canceled was not because he was hungover but because he found your behavior controlling, insecure and disinterested.

Which would explain why he's been on the apps all day and not sleeping off his "hangover." 

Sorry. 

 

 

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

I’d just leave this until he comes back with a better plan for a date. Why bother with the texting when he’s hungover or not feeling well today. You are not his caretaker. I’d write something brief. “Hi —, great to hear you had fun at the party last night. Let’s chat on the phone and figure out a better time to meet again when you are feeling up to it.” Leave it there. I’d have no interest whatsoever about any running commentary.

Give him a day or two and move on with your life. In the meantime you’re chatting with others and planning other dates. 

[mortensorchid]

I am 100% guilty of this as well.  If you read some of my threads past you will see my sharing how I am unsure or I found something that bothered me about the newest person in question.  Unless there is something REALLY bothering you about the person, you have to just take a leap of faith or don't take one.

Is there a secret?  Not really.  I have friends I have had for 25+ years now.  What's the secret some ask?  It's based on tolerance - a lot of little things about a person can bother you.  We are being taught intolerance not tolerance ( as in it's all about me, if it's not perfect change it, etc.).  And laugh as much as you can with and at each other.  That's all I can tell you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're also feeling anxious because you negotiated with yourself--you expected him to cancel and somehow approved his canceling. But that's not your job: to make excuses for him not being available for a date as he promised he would. 

Every time you act like you're OK with behavior you're not OK with, it creates anxiety or in your sense, a fear of "overthinking." That's your alarm system. When you're "overthinking" that means you aren't standing up for yourself. 

[chillii]

l dunno op , there'd only be one woman in 1000s l'd even bother going out with. When l was on a date site back in the day l was on it 3 wks before l even found anyone even worth messaging. To my mind what could be more normal if your looking for something real and serious l know what l like and she's very very rare, l know that. So why waste time on anything else l'd know in a heartbeat how it was gonna go.

The over thinking yeah , well of course obviously a part of that is negativity and subconsciously- or not, afraid of being hurt no brainer there. But l dunno, this one you knew he'd be partying and it's pretty obvious he may end up under the weather so what you figured- if he was on date sites well that'll prob be that but if he wasn't you might hear from him yet and if you don't it's disappointing but unfortunately he wasn't that interested anyway then.

There's frame of mind and attitude you'll have to work on yourself and you'd know those anyway but yeah , maybe some help could be of use too, it'd still come back to you doing it though and loosening up a bit.

Edited October 17, 2022 by chillii

[NuevoYorko]

Honestly,  I think that counseling would really help you with this.  You are trying to be in control of all aspects of a person and what *might* happen as you go along getting to know them.  It is probably off-putting to the men you date and makes it easier for them to decide that things just wouldn't work out between you.   In trying to be ahead of possibly being rejected or similar, you do sabotage yourself.   You're trying to protect yourself, but in reality you are making your own new problems .   

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure why my earlier reply was deleted.

Irrespective.

Did he allude to the fact that he would be out drinking a lot the night before or is that something that you just assumed?

If the former then I think it was smart not to put yourself in a position where a potential date could be hungover and not feeling well the next day.

You're not there to nurse someone on a date the day after a night out drinking.

If he knew he would be out partying and drinking the night before, he could have planned better the evening before as to not put himself in this position just as well.

[chillii]

deleted

Edited October 17, 2022 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

OP could it be that because you’re so picky, when you do finally meet a man you’re attracted to, it sparks all your insecurities? You think because this guy is so attractive, he must have a ton of options, so why would he choose you? And that results in the overthinking?

[poppyfields]

OP, does this guy have a drinking problem?

Reason I ask is because I'm wondering why you assumed he wouldnt be responsible enough to drink responsibly and keep the date with you. 

Anticipatng that he's an irresponsible drinker and would be too hungover and giving him an out is a bit insulting, it's fratboy behavior. 

Trust that he will behave like a mature adult, drink responsibly and keep the date.

IF he gets too drunk and is too hungover the next day to meet, HE will let you know and reschedule.

Again not your job to do that and I'm sure you would find other things to do if it did happen. 

And IF that did happen, you can determine if he's someone you want to continue dating cause franky for me at least, a man unable to drink responsibly and being too hungover to keep a scheduled date with me, a woman he's presumably interested in, would be a real turn off.

Avoid giving men "outs," they're grown men, they can make their own decisions.

It also makes you appear insecure and distrustful.

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I suggested it as provisional.I preferred giving him an out now instead of potentially being disappointed on the day if he had to cancel because he was hungover.

Ok next time make it a hard no. If someone is going to be iffy, don't be the person who sits and waits to see if he's hungover or not. be more resolute. Make other plans. If he's interested, he'll make more appropriate plans not 'maybe if I'm not out too late', etc.

[Lotsgoingon]

A good dating partner will avoid getting drunk the night before a date that is important to him, that he looks forward to.

Maybe when he called to cancel, that was your cue to say to yourself "eff you" and to move on. You would have your own back! I have never dating someone who made excuses early on or who flaked out and then turned out to be a great partner. And oh, I wasn't beyond flaking out as a young person, but looking back, it was my missing maturity and/or my lack of serious interest in the person I flaked on.