How to stop overthinking when dating?

[poppyfields]

Also wanted to add my thoughts re "overthinking."

This word gets tossed around a lot and imo is largely misunderstood.

Overthinking (obsessive often irrational thoughts) is bad however that doesn't mean you should not "think" about things at all and observe.

It's okay to observe and think, in fact imo you should be thinking! 

Like when you observed him on dating apps and ignoring your messages after blowing your date off, as posted in your initial post.

And getting bad vibes from it. 

That was NOT "overthinking," that was you observing and getting a bad vibe. 

It was that voice inside of you telling you something seems off. 

I would have as well and I am not an overthinker, I am an observer and make decisions based on what I observe. 

 

Edited October 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

@lovesfool I think there is a tendency to obsess over how interested the other person is in is when we’re dating, but the sooner you can let go of that, the more success you’ll have dating. Why? Because you have no control over his interest level. It might be lukewarm now but could get stronger on the future. It might be strong and he’s just not that effusive with his interest or he happens to have a lot going on right now. It’s been two dates (I think the third one is tonight). Really all you need to assess is your interest in him. How he feels about you so early is not something you can know, and certainly not something you can control, so you don’t have to think about it much at all. That could mute your tendency to overthink.

[NuevoYorko]

IMO the term "overthinking" is equivalent to being "in your own head."

It's when a person is creating a whole narrative about what's going on to the point that they are not actively experiencing what's really going on.  

Just what is spinning round inside of their own heads.  

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

For sure. Not sure why there’s so much focus on it. Obviously there was a party organized for him by his family and friends prior to you two meeting. And you had only been out on one or two dates. If he were to change plans or act differently at the party because he wanted to be on best form to date you, that would be more of a flag than just being himself and enjoying the party with the people he loves. In fact while planning a date on a day he was probably going to be hungover was a mistake, it likely shows how interested he was as he just wanted to see you ASAP. The typical advice on here is that when a date gets cancelled, if the person doing the cancelling doesn’t plan another date than it’s likely they lost interest but in this case he did plan another date, so no harm, no foul.

 

Agree with this.

His family had an event he needed to attend that he knew about well in advance. He wasn't out taking shots with friends.

Probably to meet you sooner rather than later, he scheduled the date for the next day since he had family obligations the evening before. The plan to meet up was "loose" between you both. Using your description, it seems even that he reached out the evening before, asking if you were in for the date the next day. It is unknown what the exchange between you two was at that time he reached out, but the next day you both spoke, he promptly scheduled the next date. 

 

[poppyfields]

Again OP, canceling the date was not the issue.  

It was him ignoring your messages the following day choosing instead to puruse other women on dating apps. 

I don't know of many women who would be cool with that immediately after being blown off (ahem, canceling your date).  

Especially ignoring your message(s), that's just plain rude. 

You got a bad vibe from THAT, you posted about it in your initial post, called it "overthinking."  It was actually the original topic of this thread, not him canceling the date. 

It wasn't overthinking imo, it was you observing and getting a bad vibe from what you observed.

Not sure you're choosing to disregard that bad vibe now.  

In any event,, I'm curious how your date last night went, and if it even happened?

Despite all that's been said, I truly do hope it went well and it all works out the way you hope. 

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[lovesfool]

Sorry for not replying sooner everyone. It's been a busy week and I've been trying to figure things out.

So we met up a couple of times since I last posted (I think). I have to admit, I kind of played a bit of a game with him to gauge his level of interest. It wasn't that bad, but let me explain. I told him previously that I was visiting my family on the Sunday and also going to a concert. After the previous date, I said I'd like to meet him soon but he said that he had a work event on Friday but he'd like to meet the next week. I said that I would be too busy during the week (this was somewhat true, but I definitely would have tried to make time for him), so then he said we'd meet the week after.

I was kind of upset by this because I don't know why we couldn't meet on the Saturday as we were both free. I could have just left it, but then I just asked him if we could meet on Saturday. He replied thinking that I wasn't available, and so it was just a bit of confusion and we met up! We watched a movie at his and fooled around a bit. It was a nice time and it seemed like he enjoyed himself. We messaged afterwards and he asked me to let him know when I'm free next, so I assume he's still interested.

I didn't hear from him for 3 days. I don't know what the "rules" are for texting, but he messaged me last so maybe the ball was in my court. I asked him how his week was looking so that we could meet up. One of the nights he was travelling to meet his family, another was a work event, and then this weekend he has a halloween party which he had tickets booked for. He said we could meet next week. Again I suggested Saturday, but he said he may or may not be meeting with friends and he doesn't know how the day was going to play out.

I don't know how to read this. I mean he's not going to be with his friends or at the party all weekend. Surely he could find an hour of his time, even just to go for a coffee? Maybe I'm being unrealistic as I know from experience you can get overexposure to social situations and become worn out! I didn't want to push it, but I decided to ask him what he was looking for when dating. I wanted to be sure I wasn't going into some casual arrangement that I didn't know about! He said he was just "going with the flow" and wants to find someone that they click with and see where it goes. It was reassuring at least.

Again it's been 3 days and he hasn't messaged, but again he sent the last message. I thought he might give me an update on his plans today, but I figure his plans weren't cancelled and that's why he didn't get in touch.

I find it hard to read these situations. Personally I'd like to meet a guy more often than once a week if I can. If it doesn't happen then it can just fizzle out, and that's what I'm worried about here. If I tell him something like that, he might think I'm too demanding when he has a busy schedule already.

Do I just leave it be and wait to hear back from him? I'm now considering making other date arrangements as I feel very disconnected now.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

it's been 3 days and he hasn't messaged, but again he sent the last message.

If you're still interested you could reply to him when you're free as he asked. Make sure you're flexible enough to date and not always "too busy". He seems somewhat interested but the scheduling conflicts  seem to be becoming an issue.

[glows]

Today is Saturday and he’s with his friends apparently. I wouldn’t reach out.

He needs to make more of an effort planning dates and not leaving it to you checking on both your calendars. You’ve already suggested the last Saturday where you both stayed in. There has to be more than staying in and being intimate. Actually planning dates and going out.

Keep in mind he may be seeing others or keeping his schedule open to see someone else. He says he’s leaving the day open for “friends” but it may be for other reasons. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

We messaged afterwards and he asked me to let him know when I'm free next, so I assume he's still interested.

I didn't hear from him for 3 days.

Did you happen to mention that you'd be interested in getting together with him again during those three days?

It's typically best to avoid home dates initially.

Try not to resort to forcing pieces to fit together with a guy when they just don’t. 

Sounds like a lot of scheduling conflict on both your ends.

Edited October 29, 2022 by Alpacalia

[lovesfool]

59 minutes ago, glows said:

Today is Saturday and he’s with his friends apparently. I wouldn’t reach out.

He needs to make more of an effort planning dates and not leaving it to you checking on both your calendars. You’ve already suggested the last Saturday where you both stayed in. There has to be more than staying in and being intimate. Actually planning dates and going out.

Keep in mind he may be seeing others or keeping his schedule open to see someone else. He says he’s leaving the day open for “friends” but it may be for other reasons. 

Yes, he doesn't seem to be great with planning dates. I think he's laid back so is happy to do whatever I suggest as long as we're both free.

It's very possible that some of these work event nights or meet up with friends are dates with other women. I know some people here don't like to admit it, but I think that's a reality of modern dating. I'd rather not think about it as it's out of my control and we're not exclusive.

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Did you happen to mention that you'd be interested in getting together with him again during those three days?

It's typically best to avoid home dates initially.

Try not to resort to forcing pieces to fit together with a guy when they just don’t. 

Sounds like a lot of scheduling conflict on both your ends.

He said he was busy with other social events during the 3 days. I thought he might check in with me though, but maybe he expects me to check in with him. I had nothing going on, but he had family get-togethers and work events that I probably should be asking about how they went, but I hate being the one to initiate messages most of the time.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, lovesfool said:

He said he was busy with other social events during the 3 days. I thought he might check in with me though, but maybe he expects me to check in with him. I had nothing going on, but he had family get-togethers and work events that I probably should be asking about how they went, but I hate being the one to initiate messages most of the time.

I'm not suggesting you suggest a date on the days that he is busy and not available.

After he said, "let me know when you're free," it does not sound like you communicated to him your availability during those three days of silence.

His "let me know when you're free," is a touch passive.

"Checking in" is unnecessary at this point. You are not a couple. You're expressing interest. In the meantime, it appears he has other commitments on Saturdays.

I think if he sets a day and time for your next date right away, it is showing a deeper level of interest in you. He isn't being specific. If he says something and then does it, then you can start taking him more seriously.

[glows]

25 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Yes, he doesn't seem to be great with planning dates. I think he's laid back so is happy to do whatever I suggest as long as we're both free.

It's very possible that some of these work event nights or meet up with friends are dates with other women. I know some people here don't like to admit it, but I think that's a reality of modern dating. I'd rather not think about it as it's out of my control and we're not exclusive.

Yes, something to keep in mind. The issue is he’s lukewarm. You wouldn’t be feeling like you’re always initiating if he made more of an effort. “Go with the flow” is entirely correct. This is on the low effort end type of go with the flow, not necessarily taking any initiative. If you contact him he responds, sometimes vaguely, not quite all there.

Don’t play any games with your time or worry about playing hard to get. Someone who is interested will make the time for you and be more accurate about his schedule. You’ll have to decide for yourself whether he’s compatible with you. If you’re not feeling it, move on.

Vary things up and spend time outside of at home dates. It’s tempting but meaningless over time as you realize you only know that person in one aspect, not in others. How does he act when you’re out together? Does he treat others well? Does he tip well? Does he have manners? Does he follow up on anything you’ve said? Or check in with you? Show interest in what you like? These are some ways you see when someone’s interested. You’re not left stuck at this stage wondering why you’re the only one initiating or why he’s not free on Saturdays.

[NuevoYorko]

Why did you opt for game playing?   Why are you trying to gauge his level of interest when you don't even know each other?  He was interested enough to want to get together.  

That is manipulative and even if others can't put their finger on it, they usually sense that something is amiss and have their guard up.  

Was your first meeting at his place watching a movie and fooling around?   Or had you met before?  Either way, I advise strongly against that, unless your goal is a casual hookup type of thing.  

There is incongruity here:  You play games to gauge his interest, but when it comes to actually engaging, you have a low bar.  The whole leaving him an out for a hangover (communicating that his potential drunkenness is more important than meeting you) and then going to his place to meet him and fooling around do not require anything beyond a casual interest in you.  

[lovesfool]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm not suggesting you suggest a date on the days that he is busy and not available.

After he said, "let me know when you're free," it does not sound like you communicated to him your availability during those three days of silence.

His "let me know when you're free," is a touch passive.

"Checking in" is unnecessary at this point. You are not a couple. You're expressing interest. In the meantime, it appears he has other commitments on Saturdays.

I think if he sets a day and time for your next date right away, it is showing a deeper level of interest in you. He isn't being specific. If he says something and then does it, then you can start taking him more seriously.

I think I was just matching his energy. Him being non-committal with his time and I guess I subconsciously did the same. Maybe I should just message him tomorrow and suggest a day to meet up.

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, something to keep in mind. The issue is he’s lukewarm. You wouldn’t be feeling like you’re always initiating if he made more of an effort. “Go with the flow” is entirely correct. This is on the low effort end type of go with the flow, not necessarily taking any initiative. If you contact him he responds, sometimes vaguely, not quite all there.

Don’t play any games with your time or worry about playing hard to get. Someone who is interested will make the time for you and be more accurate about his schedule. You’ll have to decide for yourself whether he’s compatible with you. If you’re not feeling it, move on.

Vary things up and spend time outside of at home dates. It’s tempting but meaningless over time as you realize you only know that person in one aspect, not in others. How does he act when you’re out together? Does he treat others well? Does he tip well? Does he have manners? Does he follow up on anything you’ve said? Or check in with you? Show interest in what you like? These are some ways you see when someone’s interested. You’re not left stuck at this stage wondering why you’re the only one initiating or why he’s not free on Saturdays.

It seems like he's very hot and cold. He expresses enthusiasm in arranging a date but the urgency isn't there, not that it's an urgent thing! It sounds like he really wants to meet, but has no issue with it being two weeks away or something.

It was just one home date. I've gone on 3 other dates with him in different settings. I like to try and vary it every time.

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why did you opt for game playing?   Why are you trying to gauge his level of interest when you don't even know each other?  He was interested enough to want to get together.  

That is manipulative and even if others can't put their finger on it, they usually sense that something is amiss and have their guard up.  

Was your first meeting at his place watching a movie and fooling around?   Or had you met before?  Either way, I advise strongly against that, unless your goal is a casual hookup type of thing.  

There is incongruity here:  You play games to gauge his interest, but when it comes to actually engaging, you have a low bar.  The whole leaving him an out for a hangover (communicating that his potential drunkenness is more important than meeting you) and then going to his place to meet him and fooling around do not require anything beyond a casual interest in you.  

I think I was a little bit put off by him being so unavailable when I knew his Saturday was free. It wasn't that much of a game because I was very busy so making a date mid-week would have been difficult.

I met him 3 times before I went to his place. I don't think it's uncommon to fool around after 3-4 dates, at least in my friend circle.

I did try to engage with him by suggesting a date today when I thought he might have been free, but he said he would likely be busy. I would appreciate it if you dropped the whole hangover thing as it is completely irrelevant. It is a very common thing where I'm from and not a reflection of his interest in me. Thank you!

[Alpacalia]

OP how long have you two been dating? One month, two months? 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

It seems like he's very hot and cold. He expresses enthusiasm in arranging a date but the urgency isn't there, not that it's an urgent thing! It sounds like he really wants to meet, but has no issue with it being two weeks away or something.

Then tell him directly you’re interested in seeing him more often at least once or twice a week, whatever your schedule permits. Communicate that. Put the ball in his court and make yourself available. This is the way to ensure there are no misunderstandings.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

 

I met him 3 times before I went to his place. I don't think it's uncommon to fool around after 3-4 dates, at least in my friend circle.

OK,  I have no issue with it.  I was confused by the timeline.  

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I did try to engage with him by suggesting a date today when I thought he might have been free, but he said he would likely be busy. I would appreciate it if you dropped the whole hangover thing as it is completely irrelevant. It is a very common thing where I'm from and not a reflection of his interest in me. Thank you!

I have dropped it.  I don't care about the particulars.  It's just another example of you kind of setting up hoops for the guy to jump through.  He was not "supposed" to choose that out because it was a "gauge of interest" test like the more recent one you shared here.   If he were REALLY interested, he would prioritize, right?  That's not untrue.  The problem is when the hoops and complications are set up by you.  Games.  Don't play them.  

Seriously, I know that people on here often advise women to "play hard to get" type of thing because "men love to chase" etc.  I am not an advocate for playing ANY games or making big "high interest" requirements for men that you don't even know.   I'm not saying you should chase or initiate a lot.  Just don't play games.  Be authentic.  All the time.

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

OP how long have you two been dating? One month, two months? 

Only one month. So that's 4 dates in about 4-5 weeks.

16 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

OK,  I have no issue with it.  I was confused by the timeline.  

I have dropped it.  I don't care about the particulars.  It's just another example of you kind of setting up hoops for the guy to jump through.  He was not "supposed" to choose that out because it was a "gauge of interest" test like the more recent one you shared here.   If he were REALLY interested, he would prioritize, right?  That's not untrue.  The problem is when the hoops and complications are set up by you.  Games.  Don't play them.  

Seriously, I know that people on here often advise women to "play hard to get" type of thing because "men love to chase" etc.  I am not an advocate for playing ANY games or making big "high interest" requirements for men that you don't even know.   I'm not saying you should chase or initiate a lot.  Just don't play games.  Be authentic.  All the time.

I've often been criticised for not giving guys enough of a chance when starting to date because I don't feel the spark straight away. I believe it rarely happens and in the same way I shouldn't expect guys to feel it straight away either. Obviously I don't want to waste my own time either so that's why I want to push for more dates so that we get to know each other better and avoid it fizzling out.

I know there's mixed views on games, but I can tell you one thing - if this is all a game that he's playing (not that I think it), it's definitely working! I've thought about him more now than before because he's hard to pin down for a date.

[FMW]

I agree with  what @NuevoYorko has said about your actions likely coming from a need to control the situation, as well as being too much in your head, creating your own stories and not experiencing the reality of what's really happening.  

I have a tendency to do both, so I get it, I'm not lobbing criticism at you.  Recognizing your own tendencies, especially the self-sabotaging ones, can help you calm yourself down and try to go with the flow.  Realize that the stories you tell yourself aren't necessarily true (probably aren't).  

Something else that might be true of you (you will have to figure that out yourself) is that maybe you don't get too interested in a guy unless there's some uncertainty about his level of interest in you.  I can relate to that, when a guy is interested in me and going out of his way to see me, I usually get the urge to run the other way.  However, if he shows interest but doesn't drop everything to see me, my interest is able to grow - I don't feel crowded.  And weirdly, back to the control issue, I feel more in control when I'm not being pursued so strongly.  That doesn't mean I pursue, it just means I have time to think (overthink at times) about how I feel.  

Whatever the case, I think it's good to focus on yourself and your response and not worry so much about the guy and why he's doing what he's doing.   You're more likely to find answers that way.  

The trick is to figure out how to not stay in situations where you should just move on, but also to know when you should just calm down and see how things unfold.  I think this situation might be the latter.  Give it a shot, but don't over-invest too soon.  You're one month in.  Giving it another month isn't a great waste of time, you don't need to push.  

[smackie9]

OK it's simple...you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. I get it people have a life, but any guy that became my BF made me a priority because he was into me and made the effort. You know how you want to be treated so why even ponder another moment about him. This guy isn't fitting the bill. Dump this chump. You know you are wasting your time.

[Alpacalia]

52 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Only one month. So that's 4 dates in about 4-5 weeks.

A weekly date in the first month makes sense. Would you like to see more at this point? I kind of sense that you'd prefer things to move faster. It also seems that you're disappointed that he has been unavailable on Saturdays (particularly).

[Weezy1973]

OP - you’ve acknowledged that you’re only attracted to a very small percentage of men, and so it’s likely theses guys have lots of options so there won’t be a sense of urgency. There’s really no way to proceed except to just keep dating him and see how things play out. Either he’ll think you’re compatible or he won’t. Again, try not to worry about things you can’t control.

[glows]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

OK it's simple...you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. 

This is exactly it. 

You came here asking how not to overthink. Keep it simple and follow above. Your actions need to fall in line with what you expect of others too.

Edited October 29, 2022 by glows