Sadgirl91 Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 Hi there, my partner and I have been together 3 years and he betrayed my trust and I was very shocked to find out he was on affair sites and was talking to girls. He didn’t really give me a reason and kept shrugging it off, we then had heart to heart and it was sorted but whilst this was going on I felt very low and vulnerable and I ended up kissing my boss. Now I don’t feel I can get past it and don’t know if I can tell him. We’re so much better and moving past it all and I trust him again but now I feel this could ruin everything Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sadgirl91 Posted October 17, 2022 Author Share Posted October 17, 2022 I just add. My boss is a creep, married with kids and thinks he’s gods gift (he isn’t) and is getting what he can from a situation. I know all this but due to my past (long story but I got touched up by a stranger on street when a child) I have this trauma with men and intimacy like they feel they can have me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 2 hours ago, Sadgirl91 said: I was very shocked to find out he was on affair sites and was talking to girls. He didn’t really give me a reason and kept shrugging it off Sorry this happened. How old is he? Do you live together? Focus on your partner's infidelities. As far as your boss, be professional at work. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 (edited) Why did you choose to return back to an unfaithful partner? Do you live together? Are there any children? Edited October 17, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sadgirl91 Posted October 17, 2022 Author Share Posted October 17, 2022 3 hours ago, Sadgirl91 said: I just add. My boss is a creep, married with kids and thinks he’s gods gift (he isn’t) and is getting what he can from a situation. I know all this but due to my past (long story but I got touched up by a stranger on street when a child) I have this trauma with men and intimacy like they feel th 3 hours ago, Sadgirl91 said: I just add. My boss is a creep, married with kids and thinks he’s gods gift (he isn’t) and is getting what he can from a situation. I know all this but due to my past (long story but I got touched up by a stranger on street when a child) I have this trauma with men and intimacy like they feel they can have me. We love together, no kids no both early 30’s. I feel like before the future can happen I need to be honest? I’m so scared he’ll see me in different way and I know deep down my boss took advantage but it’s no excuse at all for letting it happen. I felt unwanted by my partner, we miscarried and he says this is why he did what he did. I just don’t know anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sadgirl91 Posted October 17, 2022 Author Share Posted October 17, 2022 So I went back to him because he didn’t meet anymore, it kinda made sense, I saw through it as he did to his ex so thought he’d get away with it to get more excitement without giving me any sex. I am a very sexual person and have had to struggle to accept I don’t get it often. This all happened and my boss showed me attention, it makes me 10000x worse than what he did but I dunno what to do! How can I have a future with him now Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 2 hours ago, Sadgirl91 said: How can I have a future with him now You can have a fine future. However perhaps not with him. Your miscarriage is just an excuse for his chronic cheating. Do not confide anything in him. Make plans to extricate yourself from this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sadgirl91 Posted October 17, 2022 Author Share Posted October 17, 2022 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You can have a fine future. However perhaps not with him. Your miscarriage is just an excuse for his chronic cheating. Do not confide anything in him. Make plans to extricate yourself from this. But I’m just as bad, if not worse for physically cheating. I didn’t even see it as cheating that’s the weird thing! I was just so upset and felt like it was ruined. Acted out I guess :( he hasn’t done anything since, been amazing and treating me right so now I feel awful Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 How are you going to handle dealing with your boss, going forward? This seems like a potential problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sadgirl91 Posted October 18, 2022 Author Share Posted October 18, 2022 (edited) So I’m not worried about the boss.it’s not awkward thankfully, he’s just a weirdo but he knows the limit. I ended up telling my partner last night, he wasn’t happy but he understood due to what he did it kinda helped which I’m not sure I would have been so forgiving. I still feel really bad. I’ll speak with him properly tonight but he used the line ‘it’s almost like we’ve both [messed] up let’s move on’ I didn’t think it would be as easy as that 😕 Edited November 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 47 minutes ago, Sadgirl91 said: I didn’t think it would be as easy as that 😕 It won't be. You're both fooling youselves if you think you can just sweep this all under the rug and move on. These are serious issues that do irreperable damage to a relationship, and it is going to have long-term effects. My guess is also that your partner has cheated in more ways than you know, so he feels less guilty now knowing you physically cheated too. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 These things do usually come back because it’s not about your boss or the websites/other women. It’s the way you both chose to cope, doing so by abusing that trust in a relationship and finding validation/self-worth elsewhere. Will you ever trust him fully again after he abused your trust? Are you constantly looking over your shoulder or checking to see what sites he’s on? Who’s to say you won’t feel so low and fall to the same coping mechanisms in your relationship? Do you see a life of second guessing and living walking on eggshells always wondering what might happen next or what you might find? Are you seeing anyone about the assault when you were a child? I’m talking about counselling or therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sadgirl91 Posted October 18, 2022 Author Share Posted October 18, 2022 (edited) I know we can’t sweep this under the carpet of course, I’m not looking over my shoulder like I had been at start when I found out. The reason I told him what happened was because it was shortly after then and now I feel we’re back on track and I feel I trust him again, I couldn’t live with myself as it’s not a real relationship if I’ve been dishonest. No I haven’t but this isn’t why I did what I did, it was because I had no confidence and fist slimy guy who showed me attention I stupidly didn’t push him away. i just want to be all ok again, but I know it’s not easy as that. He sees it as in past and it’s almost 1-1 (his football analogy) and we’ve both made mistakes and to move on. I desperately want to do this and believe we can. But I also don’t want to waste years of my life if we’ve [ ] it already. Relationships are not perfect, they need work and no relationship is without bumps and challenges xx Edited November 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 Unfortunately, the next time he cheats which is highly likely, he'll use this information to justify it. Keep in mind he blamed you before for his cheating and he'll do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 3 hours ago, Sadgirl91 said: Relationships are not perfect, they need work and no relationship is without bumps and challenges xx No, don't fall into the trap of excusing terrible, deal-breaking behaviour this way. What your partner did is not a "bump" nor a "challenge." This line of thinking does not apply when someone consistently shows you they have the intention to cheat on you, as your partner did. You have to have a boundary for yourself somewhere, and not set your standard so low that you try to make serial cheating excusable. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 5 hours ago, Sadgirl91 said: I know we can’t sweep this under the carpet of course, I’m not looking over my shoulder like I had been at start when I found out. The reason I told him what happened was because it was shortly after then and now I feel we’re back on track and I feel I trust him again, I couldn’t live with myself as it’s not a real relationship if I’ve been dishonest. No I haven’t but this isn’t why I did what I did, it was because I had no confidence and fist slimy guy who showed me attention I stupidly didn’t push him away. i just want to be all ok again, but I know it’s not easy as that. He sees it as in past and it’s almost 1-1 (his football analogy) and we’ve both made mistakes and to move on. I desperately want to do this and believe we can. But I also don’t want to waste years of my life if we’ve f***ed it already. Relationships are not perfect, they need work and no relationship is without bumps and challenges xx I’m not sure if you see the irony here because you continue to struggle with confidence or at least feeling confident about your relationship even though you seem to be as transparent as possible and vice versa with your partner. I can’t tell you if he’ll look at websites again but what he has shown you is that he likes fantasies and going behind your back. There’s a track record of it. You felt low enough to fantasize about a married man at work even if for a brief second. Do you see the similarities in the way you both handle low worth and low confidence? It’s why I asked if you’re seeing someone about being assaulted as a child because you referenced it feeling traumatized and the effect it still has on your judgment or thinking. You’re conflicted one moment saying you believe you can move on and then in the next breath have worries about wasting years of your life. The way he treated you has poisoned your peace of mind already to this very moment. Nothing has changed. Kindly, I think you need to do some work on yourself and ask yourself why you’re associating with a man like this or beginning to mimic his behaviours. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 It seems both of you are weak when it comes to other people. He's with you yet on affair sites trying to get with other women. You say you guys sorted out the problem yet you go and kiss your boss blaming it on childhood trauma and the experience you had with a stranger on the street. When I first started reading this I thought you guys were in your early 20s not people in their 30s. Maybe you both would be better off taking a break from each other. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 (edited) for one thing you should seek out therapy for your vulnerability/weakness with letting men take advantage of you. This why you are where you are at....a cheating partner and a pervert boss. Both these men should be out of your life. Try to find a job with a more suitable work environment, and stop taking back BFs who take you for granted. Your BF is the problem not you. He just chose someone (YOU) who is weak and able to take advantage of. You talked it out, but he just told you what you wanted to hear. He's just proven once a cheater always a cheater. He will never learn or care about it. Edited October 18, 2022 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Madball Posted November 2, 2022 Share Posted November 2, 2022 Hi, Firstly, I'm terribly sorry to hear what you experienced as a child, no child should have to go through something like that and I hope one day the person gets what they deserve, and you can overcome this trauma. Now, onto the matter at hand, chatting to girls online, especially on affair websites is just unacceptable in my view, especially if you are in a committed relationship with someone because technically in my mind your boyfriend is being intimate with other women. At this point if I was in your shoes, I would have ended the relationship and moved on, however I do understand that sometimes the thought of moving on is scary and people end up staying in relationships they shouldn't be in. The hard part is that you've now done the same to your boyfriend, you've been intimate with your boss and I'm afraid is unacceptable too, regardless of what happened to you in your past. The honest thing to do is own up to what you have done and be prepared for the aftermath. If the relationship ends up breaking up and it could potentially leave you homeless, then before owning up I would speak with your parents to see if they could allow you to move back in or if you do not have anyone then start preparing, like saving up money so that when you do tell him, and it ends you have the ability to move on without being homeless. I know this isn't what you want to hear but you've both cheated on each other, there is no trust in the relationship anymore and you'll both feel it will happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 2, 2022 Share Posted November 2, 2022 On 10/18/2022 at 9:49 AM, glows said: Nothing has changed. Kindly, I think you need to do some work on yourself and ask yourself why you’re associating with a man like this or beginning to mimic his behaviours. This^ I think you need to put your boss and your partner's chats with other women behind you and get into therapy to heal what has happened in your past that makes you hypersexual. Until you do that you will continue to make decisions around men that aren't good for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted November 29, 2022 Share Posted November 29, 2022 Relationships aren’t sports. You can’t just each “score” an affair and then it’s even. You said you’re worried you’re gonna waste your years because it’s already over? You’re 100% correct. You’re in your 30’s. You don’t really have time to waste on someone that was emotionally investing himself to online women. And honestly he shouldn’t waste his time with you as you’ve proven that you’re capable of cheating AND you have MAJOR trauma that hasn’t been dealt with. Im not saying you’re bad people or undatable. Far from it! We’re all working on ourselves But what im saying is that you two aren’t good for each other right now. He’s got room to grow and change his morals, and you’ve got to get your past dealt with through counselling if you hope to have a chance at a happy future with yourself, let alone with anyone else. there aren’t kids now. Take this time to move on. Go to counselling. Start working out. Focus on yourself. Heal. Give yourself 6-12 months before starting to date again. I took a year off of dating when I had my divorce, and im Thankful For it! I got to learn about why I want to date, and what im looking for good luck to you both! You both deserve love! Try again and be better for your next partners! 😎 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted November 29, 2022 Share Posted November 29, 2022 (edited) On 10/17/2022 at 4:11 PM, Sadgirl91 said: I saw through it as he did to his ex so thought he’d get away with it Are you saying he did the same thing to his ex? It sounds like an addiction for him, one that is not going to go away over night. He will always find a way to do it without you knowing and I can guarantee he is still doing it. This isn't a good relationship OP. You say you feel you can trust him again but I don't think you can. You both messed up and the whole dynamic of the relationship has been forever changed because these betrayals will always be there in the back of both your minds. Having heart to hearts is never going to change that. You both need to make the break. You need someone that meets all of your needs and he needs someone who is enough for him so he doesn't feel the need to go looking elsewhere for excitement. This relationship is broken. Edited November 29, 2022 by JTSW Link to post Share on other sites
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