My ex broke up with me, and didnt tell me why, she just told me that she ist happy anymore.

[Ender13]

We were dating for 1 year and 4 months, 2 days ago she broke up with me.

I tried to find out why, she just stated that ist happy anymore and is uncertain of what shes feeling she said.

I only regret the 3 mistakes that I’ve done in this time of relationship:

1. First mistake was I didnt introduce her to my friends. Which raised kinda a red flag for her. But there is a thing, that she is very very shy around new people, I knew her very well, and once I did introduce her to 2 of my friends, everyting was fine, but afterwards when I asked her “How did u feel around my friends?” She replied “I didnt felt to well, cause they didn't take me into account that much, I felt marginalized.” From then I tried to control everything around me and her, she has this thinking that she will be judged wrong about new people around her, I tried to protect her. But sadly in the end she thought that I dont want to introduce her to my friends and she was thinking that I keep her only for sex and for my satisfaction. All I wanted was to protect her from bad judgements.

2. Second mistake was; she was very skeptical of me that I would cheat on her, I dont blame her attitude cause she had one relationship before me and didnt went that good, I didnt want to ask that much from her past though. Like I was saying, from her likely “paranoic” behaviour, she took my phone, and went through all my messages of course she didnt find anything, (except for 1 thing that we sorted it out and was my university colleague), she also looked at my tik tok likes and saw that I liked few tik-tok short videos of girls, I tried to explain that I was very sorry and she was developing security issues that she is no good for me, that she looks ugly and with big nose and so on. From that time I took all the blame and felt very sorry about what I did.

3. My 3rd mistake was. when we held arguments between us, I was the only one that ran away from fights. I did it several times, but the last time I was very sorry and told her that I will change and wanted I prove it with facts.

I begged her that she is making a mistake, and stated that I still love her and wanted to get over this obstacles together, I cried in front of her when she gave me the news. It was a tough day.

She said that she will help me get over the pain and sorrow, but of course I told her she is making it worse. I told her that I dont want to talk to her anymore. And that I dont want to be in friend zone.

Yesterday night she messaged me and asked how I feel, and I replyed that I cleared my mind and wanted to sleep cause tomorrow I got lots of job to do (I kept it short). And I told her that “I dont want to speak with you anymore” where she replied: “but why babe. I have feelings for you and want your best and to know how you’re doing. We dont have to break up that fast, I know its hard.” That was her last message that I didnt reply.

Its this relationship salvageable ? I want to know how if it’s doable. (sry for my bad english, not my main language)

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Ender13 said:

she was thinking that I keep her only for sex and for my satisfaction.

she took my phone, and went through all my messages

she was developing security issues that she is no good for me, that she looks ugly and with big nose and so on.

she replied: “but why babe. I have feelings for you and want your best and to know how you’re doing. We dont have to break up that fast, I know its hard.”

Sorry this is happening.  She seems to want a breakup for the purposes of change rather than actually wanting a breakup. She seems so insecure that this seems more like a test to see if you will "fight" for her. Unfortunately her jealousy and insecurity issues are things only she can work on. Step back and try not to be manipulated.

[Ender13]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  She seems to want a breakup for the purposes of change rather than actually wanting a breakup. She seems so insecure that this seems more like a test to see if you will "fight" for her. Unfortunately her jealousy and insecurity issues are things only she can work on. Step back and try not to be manipulated.

I've already etablished NC for about 3 days, and I'm moving on... I just wanted to speak to her parents when she's not home. I Want to tell her parents that I will no longer be around, and send my love and thanks for patience and care for me. I will update further informations after I speak with her parents.

Edited October 17, 2022 by Ender13

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Ender13 said:

I just wanted to speak to her parents when she's not home. I Want to tell her parents that I will no longer be around, and send my love and thanks for patience and care for me.

Do not contact her family. It's her job to tell them about the breakup.

[glows]

It’s not salvageable in my view. She doesn’t accept you and is paranoid, far too insecure to date. I think she’s controlling and manipulative. Why did you feel like constantly protecting her? Step far, far back. 

Please don’t contact any of her friends or family. In ending a dysfunctional relationship ensure you don’t become like the person you’re leaving. She took your phone and seems to want to still weasel herself into your life after the break up. Don’t do the same in hers. Her family, her business. It’s over. Treat this as completely finished. Move on and focus on you.

[Ender13]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  She seems to want a breakup for the purposes of change rather than actually wanting a breakup. She seems so insecure that this seems more like a test to see if you will "fight" for her. Unfortunately her jealousy and insecurity issues are things only she can work on. Step back and try not to be manipulated.

What do u mean that should I "fight for her", should I break up no contact and get on my knees beggin ?

Edited October 17, 2022 by Ender13

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Ender13 said:

What do u mean that should I "fight for her", should I break up no contact and get on my knees beggin ?

You misunderstood. No do not "fight for her". Since her brakup seems insincere, my theory, based on her other multiple insecrities is that she is hoping for this to reassure herself.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Ender13 said:

I've already etablished NC for about 3 days, and I'm moving on...

In my opinion, you're doing the right thing.

Your relationship was not healthy at all. It sounds like you were apologizing/taking the blame way too much, even for stuff that was not strictly a problem or that was not your fault.

[ExpatInItaly]

Let this girl go. 

She has her own host of issues that she essentially blamed you for, and you pandered to her. That is not how a healthy relationship works. She needs to mature and work on her insecurity before she will be ready for a real relationship. This is absolutely not all your fault, so stop taking all the blame for it. 

4 hours ago, Ender13 said:

she replied: “but why babe. I have feelings for you and want your best and to know how you’re doing. We dont have to break up that fast,

Acutally, yes, that's what happens in break-ups. She doesn't get to dictate the timeline here. If it's too hard for you to be in contact with her (understandably), she needs to respect that. 

3 hours ago, Ender13 said:

I just wanted to speak to her parents when she's not home.

No, please don't do this. Work on letting them all go. Send her folks a nice card wishing them well if you must, but do not talk to them otherwise. 

Edited October 17, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Beachead]

@Ender13

Sorry this happened OP. 

#1 She feels how she feels but your reasoning for your actions are very reasonable.  A partner who is right for you and committed to a future would have likely understood your explanation instead of blaming you and leaving it as that, as she did. 

#2 Going through your phone looking for a reason to fight or breakup with you is mistrusting on her end.  If you've done nothing to warrant that mistrust, then this is "her" problem.  She is insecure and she's got things to sort out.

#3 Running away from problems is not a good thing but it also depends on the context of the situation; how nasty she was in the argument, the content of the argument, whether it was a repeated conversation that was already addressed etc.

Does she see her contributions to the breakup or is all your fault in her eyes?

14 hours ago, Ender13 said:

We dont have to break up that fast, I know its hard.” That was her last message that I didnt reply.

Suggesting something selfish like this only shows she is immature and unfit for a relationship.  

She is attempting to redefine a breakup to her own benefit.  She's not completely ready to part ways so she's trying keep you tied to her, to ease the breakup process for HER.  She doesn't care that it makes you miserable. 

There is no breaking up fast or slow.  Once you two call it, you go your separate ways and you grieve/heal/move forward separately.  

Don't respond to her as any responses will be ammo for her to mess with you.  Give her your silence.  Also, I would remove her from social media.  You can write her number down somewhere if you're not ready to get rid of it yet and also transfer whatever photos/vids you have of eachother to some other location where you won't see it.  This about detoxing now so that you can heal.

- Beach 

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by Beachead

[Ender13]

On 10/18/2022 at 5:23 AM, Beachead said:

@Ender13

 

Does she see her contributions to the breakup or is all your fault in her eyes?

 

She sees only my fault ...

[Will am I]

I agree with earlier posts. This lady has some problems which keep her from being able to have healthy relationships.

My red flag is the manipulation with respect to your friends.

”why don’t you ever introduce me to your friends”

”when you introduced me to your friends I felt marginalized” (probably didn’t show much effort to be part of the convo)

That sounds like an engineered checkmate, aimed at alienating you from them.

I think you dodged a bullet.