Should I be concerned about my girlfriends work colleague.

[Madball]

I have recently started to be concerned about my girlfriend and her coworker and wanted some advice to see if it's all in my head or if something might be going on.

I have been with my partner for just over a year and everything has been pretty much great, no arguments, enjoy the same activities etc.

Recently, my girlfriend has been coming home from work and during our conversations I've noticed a certain male coworker coming up in conversation. At first, I didn't really pay much attention to it as it was just talk about work or some small personal life stuff.

A couple of weeks ago she brought this male coworker up in conversation again and she proceeded to tell me a story he told her. The story was about an incident regarding his private parts, to be fair the story was funny, but it left me thinking that this story was highly inappropriate to be having with a female coworker (my girlfriend), because I know I wouldn't talk to a female coworker about my private parts.

After this conversation I must have gone quiet, which I didn't realize I did. Later that evening my girlfriend asked if she had upset me, at first, I say no because I didn't realize at the time it had affected me, however she got really upset and said that she thought the conversation earlier had upset me.

The next day, I realized that the conversation must have affected me more than I thought, so I had a chat with her about it saying that I felt it was an inappropriate conversation to have with a colleague. She said that I don't need to worry about him and that she loves me.

Over the last couple of weeks, the coworker has never come up in conversation, when it used to be daily or every second day. Also, I've noticed that her coworker never likes any of her social media posts anymore after the conversation I've had with her.

Now this could be my imagination or me feeling slightly insecure, which I think it is and I don't have anything to worry about, but I thought I would ask the question.

Do I need to be concerned about this coworker?

[Wiseman2]

It seem like your communications with each other could be  more open and forthcoming. When you finally explained that conversations about him upset you, she corrected the situation, which is what you wanted. Make sure you're not putting her in a 'damned if you do damned if you don't' situation by asking her to stop talking about him, but when she does you're just as concerned.

[Madball]

@Wiseman2, I couldn't agree more, I don't want her ever thinking that she needs to be careful about what she is talking about to me, but I'm sure a male talking to a female work colleague about their private parts if inappropriate behavior. I'm sure any female wouldn't like to hear their partner saying that a girl was talking about their private parts to them.

It's more of the reaction/aftermath that has me concerned, it's odd that all of a sudden, her colleague has stopped liking all her social media posts when previous to this conversation he was liking everything she did on multiple social media apps, in addition to her not talking about him at all.

I did fail to mention that she has now started working late since this work colleague started working at her company too.

It's more of if I am just reading into stuff too much or do you think I should be concerned about him?

Edited October 18, 2022 by Madball

[glows]

You’re either concerned or you’re not and you obviously are. I think ignoring your instincts is not wise unless you’re an overly paranoid person. You’re dating to see exactly what a person is and how they handle or make life decisions. 

You can’t control her but you can communicate how you feel. If you don’t like the way she lives her life stop dating her. Keep it simple and clean that way and don’t squander life living in doubt or in poor company.

[smackie9]

She listened to your concerns and took appropriate action. She had a talk with said coworker and set some boundaries with him. She corrected the situation. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you are being overly sensitive.  A coworker told her a funny story.  She repeated it to you because she thought it was funny, nothing more.  If it was "inappropriate" in her mind, she wouldn't have repeated it to you.  Let it go.

 

[Madball]

Thank you to everyone that has replied so far, I have read your comments and agree with most of them.

An update on this situation is that I haven't yet confronted her about this, I haven't asked any up-front question directly asking her if something is going on because I don't want to cause an argument and if something was going on I don't want her starting to think I know as it would end up impossible finding the truth.

Instead, I have been kindly asking the odd question now and again, to gauge her reactions. About a week ago she mentioned that this coworker complimented her on her appearance and the way she dresses. As a male, I personally don't say things like this to female colleagues because I'm in a relationship and I would see this as being disrespectful to my girlfriend. I asked her if she thought he fancied her, and she got very defensive and said no and started to laugh it off.

A couple of days later my girlfriend posted something on Facebook about having a nice time with me, and the guy posted a comment saying not to have too much fun. Again, I wanted to play dumb, so I asked who the guy was who commented on the Facebook post and funnily enough it was the guy from work, and she behaved quite defensively and changed the subject quickly.

A day ago, my girlfriend went to the local bar after work with a group of work colleagues (one of them being this male coworker). One of her female work colleagues must have taken a few photos and posted it to Facebook which I saw and funnily enough the male coworker is stood right next to my girlfriend in all of them, now the pictures are completely innocent, but I do find it strange that the guy I am concerned about is appearing next to her in all photos.

Before I approach her about this do you think I am just being very insecure, or should I be worried?  Other than this bloke, everything in the relationship has been perfect which is why I haven't asked her or made any accusations, and I haven't looked at any of her devices for evidence either.

I feel that if I do approach her about this, and nothing is going on I would cause an issue with our relationship and if there was something going on I'd doubt she would tell me the truth anyway.

Edited November 2, 2022 by Madball

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Madball said:

Again, I wanted to play dumb, so I asked who the guy was who commented on the Facebook post and funnily enough it was the guy from work, and she behaved quite defensively and changed the subject quickly.

Do  you think it may be better to lay the cards on the table and discuss your concerns rather than dancing around the elephant in the room?

[Madball]

On 11/2/2022 at 8:03 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Do  you think it may be better to lay the cards on the table and discuss your concerns rather than dancing around the elephant in the room?

Majority of people that cheat on their partner will never admit it, unless their partner provides evidence proving their infidelity, which is why I've not discussed this with her yet, as this can cause a huge problem in our relationship, especially if nothing is going on and it is all in my head.

The difficulty I'm experiencing is that my gut is telling you something is going on, but I do not have absolute proof. I am trying to tread carefully to help build up a picture of what is going on without arousing suspicion. I love my partner very much which is why I am trying not to rock the boat.

The evidence I have is circumstantial and not absolute proof, and without invading her privacy or something drastic like following her which I am not willing to do, I have to either play dump and hope she slips up or approach the subject and potentially cause a trust issue in our relationship.

All I'm asking is, the circumstantial evidence I have, what are people's thoughts, do you think it's me being insecure/lacking confidence?

[mark clemson]

IMO what is probably going on at the moment is that he flirts with her and pays attention to her. Workplaces are "political" and she may find it difficult to tell him directly to stop. She MAY actually want him to stop, she may be enjoying the attention. So I don't think a certain amount of insecurity about this situation is "completely unfounded".

This flirtatiousness MIGHT never amount to anything. Unfortunately it MIGHT lead to a tryst or affair. There is really no telling. This is what makes things difficult for people in your situation.

IMO without some change in the dynamic, it's unlikely the guy is going to stop. If you are in a place, it's hard to prevent people from coming up to you and saying flirtatious things if they choose to, without actually getting HR involved (which can be seen as an over-reaction that endangers other people's jobs, and so has the potential to create a backlash).

If you are convinced he is paying "undue attention" to her, asking her to tell him directly to not flirt with her MIGHT work to stop it. So that is one option to consider.

Consider that, IF he WERE trying to drive a wedge in between the two of you, he's at least partly succeeded, as your trust has been eroded. However, I do think there's a good chance nothing would ever come of this if the situation were left alone. That said, there always is that chance it will escalate to something more. So it makes sense to try to nip it in the bud if you can figure out a way to do that.

Edited November 4, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Madball said:

I am trying to tread carefully to help build up a picture of what is going on without arousing suspicion. I love my partner very much which is why I am trying not to rock the boat. The evidence I have is circumstantial

Unfortunately, once a relationship loses trust to this extent, it's already in trouble. Hanging back with cloak and dagger thinking is in effect destroying the relationship. Playing dumb is being inauthentic and "building up evidence" or "waiting for a slip" is not a relationship, it's a cat-and-mouse game. You're treating this as if it's a case going to trial, not as a loving relationship. You're going to have to 'rock the boat" sometimes if you want a trusting honest relationship.

[PotatoHead]

If I've learned anything after going through having things go too far between my GF and her coworker, it's be completely upfront about how you feel and what you have noticed.  It sounds to me like flirtation and she is enjoying the attention if she isn't putting a stop to it.  It's only a matter of time before he takes it too far if he hasn't already.  There may already be emotional cheating going on.

Talk to her about all of this and how she responds will tell you exactly where she is at in the relationship.  She should put your needs first and respect your wishes if she wants to stay with you.  If she can't do that then maybe you aren't compatible.   Her not talking about him anymore just means she knows it upsets you so she is going to start keeping things from you.  From my experience, when she stopped mentioning the other guy is when boundaries started being crossed.

Edited November 14, 2022 by PotatoHead

[flitzanu]

bottom line is, you can't say you trust your girlfriend and also be suspicious at the same time.

you don't trust your girlfriend.  

that's where you start your inner journey, figuring out why you don't trust her.

[smackie9]

On 11/2/2022 at 9:18 AM, Madball said:

About a week ago she mentioned that this coworker complimented her on her appearance and the way she dresses. As a male, I personally don't say things like this to female colleagues because I'm in a relationship and I would see this as being disrespectful to my girlfriend. I asked her if she thought he fancied her, and she got very defensive and said no and started to laugh it off.

 

Depends on how he complimented her. Can tell a female worker they look nice without it being sexual/sexual harassment/predator. IMO if anything was going on, she wouldn't have him on her social media, be in photos with him, nor would she talk about him in anyway. She's been pretty transparent so far.