FWB-ish. Is it weird to still feel bad about getting 'kicked out'

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

I have a guy that I was casually seeing for a while. Then, he sort of fell off the face of the earth. I strongly presume that he started seeing someone else and it turned serious...or at least somewhat serious. Which....hey, it is what it is. This is not my first casual-dating rodeo. It happens. More often than not, it happens. 

But, like I said, he was distant for a while, and then, recently over the last few weeks, he has been a bit more talkative and available. He had asked me to dinner a few times, but I have been unavailable for a variety of reasons. Finally, we were able to work it out and connect yesterday. 

It was nice to spend time with him again....chatting mostly. But...as often happens, one thing led to another- and we ended up in bed. It was great fun. It may have been a bit more difficult than I remember it being. But, it was a nice time. 

And then it got a little weird. Probably more on my end than anything. So, we were laying there, and he asks "When do you need to start heading home?" It was about 11pm. I understood that not so subtle hint. Haha. Here is the thing, though. I had no intention of staying over. And, I live an hour away, so it is important that I leave at a decent hour. So, no I wasn't planning on staying, and yes, I needed to get home. And yet...I couldn't help but feel a little annoyed and put off. Is that strange? I am aware that this is more of a "me" thing, and more of a mental thing on my end. 

 

There were a couple of red flags during my visit, though. Nothing really seemed particularly out of place or like a glaring red flag, necessarily. But, there was one small detail that he probably overlooked. But, I noticed that there were two phone chargers...one on each side of his bed. Yes, a small detail, but it begs the question...why would someone need a charger on each side of the bed? 

Then, before I left, he made the bed. And when I said he made the bed....I am talking he was doing hospital corners and making it just perfect. I found this a little bit sus, and I told him as much. He insisted he just liked to sleep in a perfectly made bed. I didn't buy it, but he told me not to overthink it, it wasn't that deep. And to be fair, my suspicions don't make a ton of sense- unless there was another woman arriving there at 11:45 at night. And, even so, if he got back into bed after I left, that would easily explain the unkempt bed. (It wasn't even that unkempt when we were done with it). I suppose it would be possible that he was doing it on the off chance that someone arrived after I left but before he got into bed. But, even then, he could have just straightened it up a bit, and then used the explanation that he had taken a nap earlier or been in bed reading and gotten out of bed for a drink or something. He wouldn't have had to gone to the extreme of perfect corners. So...I very well may be overthinking it. 

The chargers though, I think may be a bit more difficult to explain. And...my concern does not stem from jealousy or clinginess or anything like that. More of the fact that I don't want to be a "side piece" or "other woman" if he is, in fact, still in a serious relationship. I already feel a bit sick to my stomach at the possibility. 

[Acacia98]

Did you ask him whether he was seeing someone?

[stillafool]

Yes it's pretty obvious he has a girlfriend and was seeing you on the side.  If he just wanted a made up bed he would have made it up but left his side open to get back in it after you left.  Why didn't you ask him why he had chargers on both sides of the bed?  If I were you I wouldn't have sex with him again because he's definitely got someone else or does that matter to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

You aren't necessarily the side piece. 

Maybe he's causally sleeping with or casually dating someone else, the same way he went out and had casual sex with you. The point is that if you feel this suspicious of him, don't see him again. 

Problem solved. 

[glows]

The couple of times I’ve seen anyone casually I leave well before that point. It’s not very clear what you’re wanting out of this? He lives an hour away and you sense he’s shady.

Anytime you’re jumping into bed for impromptu sex or something spontaneous you’re also taking the risk that you know jack all about that person. It’s a risk you took without taking the time to date or vet one another or go through the dating process. There are no short cuts to dating or seeing someone’s true colours over a longer period of time. The guy and you had a long break so who’s to say he wasn’t on/off with someone else.

Not sure why you care that much though. It was sex in the moment and not your problem because you’re not an item. Can you truly say you care to date him or he’s anyone you’d like to see long term or is this just an ick feeling you had realizing you don’t know enough? 

Avoid these situations in general if they bother you. I think it’s very natural to be put off or not keen about it.

[Alpacalia]

During my brief gray area days, they invited me to stay longer, but I declined. It just seemed to make more sense at the time.

Whatever the case he isn't comfortable with you sleeping over. Maybe he likes the bed to himself. Maybe he's a loud snorer. Maybe he's got another woman coming over. Who knows.

The bottom line is that his reason isn't really relevant if you're not getting what you need. The relationship between you two is casual. If you have to struggle for a connection and that is important to you, then it's really not worth it right? If you are determined to make something work with this guy then you'll have to sit down and talk about what you expect from a relationship and then respect each other's expectations.

[JTSW]

Of course he's got a gf and she clearly must live there with him.

She was due home and he was trying to get you out and get the bed made just as she last saw it.

Why go to all that bother at the time of night when he is only going to get back in it soon after?

It's so she wouldn't suspect anything. 

[NuevoYorko]

I don't really get it.  Why do you  now care if he's seeing someone else or multiple people?  In your OP you write:  " I strongly presume that he started seeing someone else and it turned serious."   You still wanted to see him.  What changed?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

On 10/28/2022 at 8:38 AM, JTSW said:

Of course he's got a gf and she clearly must live there with him.

She was due home and he was trying to get you out and get the bed made just as she last saw it.

Why go to all that bother at the time of night when he is only going to get back in it soon after?

It's so she wouldn't suspect anything. 

Yeah....I just can't stop thinking about it....because it just doesn't make sense. 

Something else that happened a little odd: his alarm went off at 10 pm. I asked what it was about. He said it was the alarm to tell him time to go to the gym. Listen, I belong to a 24 hour gym....I get that some people work out at different hours. Anyway...I sort of questioned it, and his response was, "Why not? I'm up till midnight every night anyway. Might as well."

Hmmm...up till midnight every night. And he was nudging me out of the bed around 11:30. It definitely makes me wonder. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm still confused why you care.  Didn't you get back involved with this guy under the assumption that he has a relationship?  You wrote:

Quote

 I strongly presume that he started seeing someone else and it turned serious...or at least somewhat serious. Which....hey, it is what it is. This is not my first casual-dating rodeo. It happens. More often than not, it happens. 

So probably you were right.  If you aren't right, it's none of your business anyway.   You just got together one time and "ended up in bed" after a long time of not seeing him.  Maybe he's cheating on a gf, maybe he doesn't have a monogamous relationship,  what does any of it have to do with your spur of the moment hookup?  

I also have a question about the following:

 

On 10/19/2022 at 4:30 AM, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

It was great fun. It may have been a bit more difficult than I remember it being. But, it was a nice time. 

 

What was "difficult" about the sex?  I'm just curious.  In my experience, sex that was difficult probably was not "a great time" or "a nice time,"  especially if it were followed by being shown the door.  

Are you planning in continuing to see him?  If you are, just be prepared for a structured time limit and keep in mind that his personal life isn't your business unless you both agree to some kind of more formal arrangement.

[stillafool]

For most women "difficult sex" with a man means he was too rough, not showing any tenderness that he cares or the guy had trouble maintaining an erection.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm still confused why you care.  Didn't you get back involved with this guy under the assumption that he has a relationship?  You wrote:

So probably you were right.  If you aren't right, it's none of your business anyway.   You just got together one time and "ended up in bed" after a long time of not seeing him.  Maybe he's cheating on a gf, maybe he doesn't have a monogamous relationship,  what does any of it have to do with your spur of the moment hookup?  

I also have a question about the following:

 

What was "difficult" about the sex?  I'm just curious.  In my experience, sex that was difficult probably was not "a great time" or "a nice time,"  especially if it were followed by being shown the door.  

Are you planning in continuing to see him?  If you are, just be prepared for a structured time limit and keep in mind that his personal life isn't your business unless you both agree to some kind of more formal arrangement.

 

Not at all. My thought was that either I was mistaken in the first place about my presumption of him getting into another relationship. OR whatever happened must have fizzled out. 

Well....there is a massive difference, at least for me. I don't mind hookups. I do mind hookups with unavailable/committed men. I don't think it is unfair for a woman, or person in general, to expect that their date is not in a serious relationship. 

 

It took a long time. A long, long time. For him to "get there" I should say. Maybe that was intentional and he was intentionally holding back, I don't know. Maybe he was just having trouble in general. He stopped me from giving him oral, which is something he normally enjoys. At one point, I asked if he wanted to try a different position, which he didn't. He kept his eyes closed almost the whole time. Now, I get having eyes closed during certain moments. I get having eyes closed to get into the sensation and everything. But he had his eyes closed while he was taking off my clothes. And his. Now the eyes-closed thing isn't super-new. He had done this before, but not to this extreme. He might close eyes in the moment, but not the entire time. 

Imagine how that made me, a naked woman in his bed, feel. Like he didn't want to see me, a naked woman in his bed. I have never been the kind of girl who turns the lights off and crawls under the covers so a man doesn't see me. But, I will fully admit to feeling a pang of insecurity. 

Finally, after the deed was done...he got up to clean himself up. Fine. When he came back to the bed, he told me to roll over, and then he spooned me from behind. Don't get me wrong...I am very pro-spooning. But, this isn't his normal MO. It made me wonder if he didn't want to look at me or see me, so at least by spooning, he would just see the back of my head or something. 

 

[stillafool]

It sounds like he's found someone he really likes and was feeling so much guilt he closed his eyes to keep his erection.  Then while cleaning up realized how cruel he had been to you and decided to bread crumb you with a spoon.

[glows]

32 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I don't think it is unfair for a woman, or person in general, to expect that their date is not in a serious relationship. 

That’s a bit of the risk you take having casual sex like this. I can empathize with you as I myself went into a couple of dates with someone presenting himself as single. He was married.

If you have doubts (and the evening did sound awful along with the sex), count your lucky stars you’re never seeing him again or don’t agree to see him again. These things take a split second gut instinct check. You don’t need him to tell you and people may deny through their teeth. Just block and delete his number.

Edited October 30, 2022 by glows

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It sounds like he's found someone he really likes and was feeling so much guilt he closed his eyes to keep his erection.  Then while cleaning up realized how cruel he had been to you and decided to bread crumb you with a spoon.

Yes....this is certainly my fear. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Imagine how that made me, a naked woman in his bed, feel. Like he didn't want to see me, a naked woman in his bed.

So it doesn’t sound like it was a good time at all. The thing is, you have no idea what’s going on with him. You’re not a mind reader. Here’s a question though - if he actually was interested in pursuing something more serious with you, would you be interested in him? If not, why does any of this matter? 

[NuevoYorko]

With the info you've given here, it seems that the sensible takeaway is:  This guy is not the right one for casual hookups anymore.  It should be no problem for you to find a more fun replacement.   I hope you will do that and not spend any more time on this guy.   No offense to him,  you haven't made him out to be a wretched jerk or anything.  Just a pretty lackluster roll in the hay for a noncommittal situation.  Not worth more thought or effort from you.   

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not still talking to this guy, are you? 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Imagine how that made me, a naked woman in his bed, feel. Like he didn't want to see me, a naked woman in his bed. I have never been the kind of girl who turns the lights off and crawls under the covers so a man doesn't see me. But, I will fully admit to feeling a pang of insecurity. 

You know, if the genders were reversed, your description of this sex would sound very much like a woman who started having sex...and probably really wanted to have sex... and then wasn't enjoying it, but kept at it to try and get it finished.  And I would likely have given him a lecture on consent.   And so I can't in good faith not suggest that when you're having sex, making sure that our partner is enthusiastic in his participation (and therefore showing ongoing consent) is far more important than our egos.   Yes, it's tough to realise that someone isn't into it like we want them to be, but it's still important to put that above all other personal considerations.  

Honestly, the whole situation probably left him feeling more uncomfortable than you feel. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Yes....this is certainly my fear. 

Don't worry about this. He is not satisfying from a physical, sexual, emotional or relationship point of view for you so simply tell him it's not working for you then delete and block him. That frees your heart and mind of him to pursue relationships you are looking for.

[NuevoYorko]

The think about "casual" "NSA" sexual relationships is that there almost inevitably turn out to be strings.

It must be an awkward situation if one person begins to have feelings for someone but they are not exclusive at this point.  Technically he isn't wrong for having sex with you or anyone else who is up for that, but I'm sure he feels weird and probably wished it wasn't happening.  

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 10/19/2022 at 4:30 AM, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I have a guy that I was casually seeing for a while. Then, he sort of fell off the face of the earth. I strongly presume that he started seeing someone else and it turned serious...or at least somewhat serious. Which....hey, it is what it is. This is not my first casual-dating rodeo. It happens. More often than not, it happens. 

I think you're missing something important here: he's being evasive, regardless of his relationship status. He clearly had no intention of being forthcoming with you. Is there a reason you think something changed along the way if you were FWB with him all along? I can see how his comments here and there and behavior have led you to make some inferences and conclusions about your relational dynamic. Was it clear to him what you wanted or expected? If you were just hooking up with the guy all along do not expect him to treat you differently or want something more with you.

Your tone doesn't even seem to suggest that you're enjoying sex.

Being asked to leave must be hurtful and the quality of your interactions are meh.

Being asked to leave or experiencing disappointing sex would not have been worth answering his call. Your decision to stop would have been made by now.

There's no malice here, but rejection hurts, no matter how long ago he disappeared from the face of the earth. He wanted you, now he wants this other possible woman – it’s only natural to react.

Good news: Your self-esteem will start to kick in at some point. When it says 'this isn't right for me,' and you're upset about being asked to leave and other things. Find a partner (or casual partner) that makes you happy, fulfilled, respected, and doesn't raise the 'Is this weird?’ questions in your head.

[basil67]

Thinking further about him asking you to leave: I've done this.....it was always after I'd ended up really uncomfortable with him or the sex.  Go. Leave!

My point of saying this is that it goes back to the consent thing I mentioned earlier: He clearly wasn't enjoying it, and in an ideal world, either he or you should have stopped it.  That said, I recognise that it's too easy to feel obliged to commit to finishing what we started, but then we end up feeling worse than had we stopped the sex when we changed our mind.

It's all a learning experience.  I'd suggest you block him and put the whole thing behind you.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

Thinking further about him asking you to leave: I've done this.....it was always after I'd ended up really uncomfortable with him or the sex.  Go. Leave!

My point of saying this is that it goes back to the consent thing I mentioned earlier: He clearly wasn't enjoying it, and in an ideal world, either he or you should have stopped it.  That said, I recognise that it's too easy to feel obliged to commit to finishing what we started, but then we end up feeling worse than had we stopped the sex when we changed our mind.

It's all a learning experience.  I'd suggest you block him and put the whole thing behind you.

 

Yeah, I mean...from a woman's point of view....you're on the bottom, he's on top. He's the one taking the clothes off. He's the one escalating things to the act. I don't want to say I felt powerless. I was a perfectly willing party. But, I only say that in regards to....you don't necessarily feel like you need to make sure that he's into it or that he wants to stop. Because he is in control and could stop anytime he wanted. Does that make sense?

 

As far as not enjoying it, now that I am thinking about it, it's very possible. He kept telling me to slow down and lay more still. So...yeah I am guessing he didn't have a very good time. 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Yeah, I mean...from a woman's point of view....you're on the bottom, he's on top. He's the one taking the clothes off. He's the one escalating things to the act. I don't want to say I felt powerless. I was a perfectly willing party. But, I only say that in regards to....you don't necessarily feel like you need to make sure that he's into it or that he wants to stop. Because he is in control and could stop anytime he wanted. Does that make sense?

As far as not enjoying it, now that I am thinking about it, it's very possible. He kept telling me to slow down and lay more still. So...yeah I am guessing he didn't have a very good time. 

It doesn't matter if the other party is male or female, on top or underneath.  If they don't seem to be enjoying it, you need to check in.  It's the whole basis of 'enthusiastic participation' forming one of the basics of consent.   And honestly, even if they say they want it but their actions show otherwise, or they aren't being a good sex partner...like being disconnected from you....it's really worth stopping it.  

As I mentioned in my post, many of us have made the mistake of feeling obliged to finish something they started earlier - I know I have.   And it was in this kind of situation that I just wanted them gone afterwards.  Yes, in an idea world, I would have gotten off and said that it wasn't working for me, but our brains are complicated and having the other party also being aware and responsible is so very helpful.