After 6 weeks of NC I reached out to my ex last night, not sure what do next

[heartoutside]

I already posted about the actual breakup HERE, which was very calm and caring.  Nothing toxic or malicious.   Let me preface this with saying I've done true NC before and just walked away, but there isn't a one size fits all solution to break ups and I understand that.  I still care deeply for my ex and I do want to make sure she's doing ok so I broke NC after 6 weeks and I reached out last night with a basic hi, how are you. I wasn't really expecting her to reply, but she did with "I'm ok, how are you?" And I responded by saying I'm ok, and then made a joke about watching all the episode of my favorite tv show and I went on to tell her that I my unfriending her on social wasn't to be malicious but just to give some space.

Again, I didn't think I would get a response. But 30 mins later she says "I actually cannot believe that, but I suppose it was bound to happen.  I totally understand about social media, I've been wanting to reach out bu I wasn't sure you wanted to hear from me."

I tell her that I was never angry or upset with her and that I appreciate her giving me space.  I get no response.

I then wake up early this morning and still no response, but while I'm getting ready for work she texts. "Thank you for saying that.  Also, I'm sorry I didn't text back last night.  I'm in Seattle for work and it was too late to text you back after dinner."

I respond with no worries.  must feel good to finally get to meet your team!  Enjoy Seattle!  I hear they've got great coffee!!"

And her response is "Thank you- it is nice to meet everyone."

I haven't written back and I'm not sure I will until she gets back.  But I'm not really sure how to proceed. My therapist says there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and letting her know that I want to talk if she's open to it, but I also don't want to force the situation and I know I have to be patient. 

[glows]

Is your therapist also aware she said she’s no longer the same person she was 3 years ago? This is from your last thread. This woman changed in the span of 3 years and you grew apart. People change and their needs/desires/hopes for the future change.

She told you she changed and you’re not accepting that. She may not know how to tell you in more words. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of prolonged headache. 

 

[basil67]

I'm wondering about your end goal.  Is it friendly chats with the ex?   Or a second chance?   

 

[heartoutside]

Yes, my therapist knows that my ex said she isn't the same person she was 3 years ago.  

I have no intent on just having friendly chats with my ex. Ideally I would like the opportunity to get back together or even discuss it.  But i know she's afraid and I know she has a fearful avoidant attachment style to a certain extent so I don't want to dive right into things after 6 weeks of not talking and just push her away.  I know us getting back together might not be an option and I'm ok with that, but I've been through enough breakups and relationships to know when walking away is appropriate and needed and I honestly feel like this time is MUCH different then my past situations. 

[basil67]

How is this time different to past situations?

[heartoutside]

I've always done NC in the past and I did it again for the purpose it's supposed to server.  Give yourself some distance, perspective and reflect on things and to focus on yourself.  In the past, after the NC I saw the flaws in the relationships and why they ended for the better (some were toxic, some were me being a victim of gaslighting) and I was able to move on and understand why it was best. 

This time around, after NC, I feel much different about myself and the relationship itself with my ex then I have about past relationships.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, heartoutside said:

I've always done NC in the past and I did it again for the purpose it's supposed to server.  Give yourself some distance, perspective and reflect on things and to focus on yourself.  In the past, after the NC I saw the flaws in the relationships and why they ended for the better (some were toxic, some were me being a victim of gaslighting) and I was able to move on and understand why it was best. 

This time around, after NC, I feel much different about myself and the relationship itself with my ex then I have about past relationships.

Ok, so the difference is in you.  Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like anything has changed with her. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, heartoutside said:

This time around, after NC, I feel much different about myself and the relationship itself with my ex then I have about past relationships.

She may not feel the same way. Unfortunately you’re in a holding pattern or limbo while she’s non-committal about you. 

There’s also the question of whether she let you down easy when she broke up with you. It’s not easy breaking up with someone and there may be guilt there. If you didn’t reach out to contact her do you think she’d have found any reason to talk to you again? 

And lastly you may see her date others. Maybe it’ll be the closure you need to move on. 

3 hours ago, heartoutside said:

I have no intent on just having friendly chats with my ex. Ideally I would like the opportunity to get back together or even discuss it.  But i know she's afraid and I know she has a fearful avoidant attachment style to a certain extent so I don't want to dive right into things after 6 weeks of not talking and just push her away.  I know us getting back together might not be an option and I'm ok with that

This seems contradictory. Are you ok remaining in contact even though she’s not interested in dating you? 

Have you considered that she and you are just not a match and this has little to do with attachment styles? She’s afraid but she may be uneasy about you or people she’s met in the past. It doesn’t mean the next person will make her feel the same way. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't sound as though she's thinking about reconciliation, OP. 

She's being friendly and replying but I don't get the sense that there's anything more to it for her. I am sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, on/off relationships are fraught with chronically unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities.

No contact is not a tool to get an ex back or some sort of jumpstart to something. It's to finalize a breakup so you can reflect in peace and move forward.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Otherwise you'll be stuck in this limbo and on the on/off merry-go-round until you do.

 

[stillafool]

How do you even know she's free.  She may already be involved with someone by now.  Probably the reason she was late texting you back the first time.

[Beachead]

@heartoutside

Read your thread on this relationship and read this one as well OP.

Her behavior and lack of commitment was what ended your relationship, so it really should be on her to initiate anything with you.   She hasn't.  Even when you reached out to her, she appeared reserved.  Took her time to reply to you. 

I think you should consider that if 3 years of you building and sharing memories and experiences together wasn't enough for her to figure out she wanted the relationship, it's a clear message that she doesn't want it, for whatever her reasons are.   If 3 years of you giving you best wasn't enough for her to figure out she wanted the relationship, it's a clear message that she doesn't want it.    If you two ended got back together, I would imagine whatever was preventing her from committing would still be there, and would likely lead you into the same problems and probably a 2nd breakup with her.

Although you want it, doesn't appear that she does.  It takes 2 parties to make it work.  You can't carry this relationship on your own. 

Not choosing you is basically her choosing someone else whether she's met him already or not. That's where this is going.  If you hold on and stay, hoping, you may end up experiencing what it's like to see your ex-gf end up with someone new.  

I would let this go

- Beach

Edited October 20, 2022 by Beachead

[flitzanu]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It doesn't sound as though she's thinking about reconciliation, OP. 

She's being friendly and replying but I don't get the sense that there's anything more to it for her. I am sorry. 

^ this.

nothing in the replies she sent you indicate anything about being interested in seeing or dating you, it sounds like she's being cordial.

[Lotsgoingon]

You broke NC to engage in a useless conversation. It's not your job to care for someone after a breakup. Otherwise, it's not a break up. And you're slowing the other person down from moving on. 

Breakups are hard and difficult and sad and painful. They have to be. That's OK. Breakups aren't fatal. And in fact, breakups are great opportunities for us to grow and think about our lives and to move forward. 

What's up with all this worry that she is angry with you? In fact, it's GOOD for the person who is dumped to go through anger at the dumper. That anger can be very healing--and is best done without interacting with the dumper. But that anger isn't going to be about whether someone removed them from social media. 

You don't know what to do because there is nothing to do. If you want to resume the relationship, then come out and tell her that. If you think she is so fragile that she is going to be the one person in history of the world who dies as a result of a breakup, then you really want to rethink your understanding of human beings and breakups.