I'm (30M) dating a girl (29F) who's going backpacking for a long time

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, popules said:

Quick update. She read my answer 4h ago without answering or later calling. Now it's past midnight there. Guess my hopes got up for nothing.

If you decide to keep in touch with her, you had better get used to this sort of thing. 

This is how it's going to be. 

[popules]

Thanks for all replies, I truly appreciate it. I could talk about this all day and answer all your comments, thanks alot!!

The fact right now is that the ball is in her court with not answering my text nor calling back, right. I suppose she will write something casual tomorrow, just answering my "Nice.........." text (see last page). Dunno how to react to this, I don't think she'll call me, she already had 2 days to do that. I have to consider this after taking in your thoughts.

@poppyfields your comment "and frankly I don't think she's the great girl you seem to think she is either." is starting to get to me, I'm starting at a new company tomorrow after 9 years at the same company, she knows this and we celebrated my new job together last week. I haven't heard anything from her saying "good luck tomorrow at your new job", which could be nice all things considering..  

 

28 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Don't you want her to be able to fulfill her dreams?

Edit: Wait, hold on, I just re-read your post. Is this entire thread really about a woman whom you're not even in a relationship with!??!?!!

 

Of course I want to, I think that was my selfishness typing and ranting. And yes, we're not in a relationship but we told each other "we don't want to be with other people while we're apart", "come visit" etc. Maybe it sounds off to you, but I've been in several LTR and dated a lot in my life, and I felt something special with this one. Perhaps the infatuation period is the worst period to get rejected in, hence my thread?

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's possible that you finally got attached to this person BECAUSE you were "safe" from dealing with the relationship.  You knew she was leaving.

This is an interesting thought that I haven't considered before.

 

Edited October 23, 2022 by popules

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, popules said:

Please don't be harsh on me for answering her, I'm really trying my best here, grasping at straws.. 

Yes exactly, you really are grasping at straws in regards to this whole situation.  That's not a position you should put yourself in.  The longer you hang onto this, the longer you will keep feeling the heartache and disappointment.  Set yourself free of it.

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, popules said:

And yes, we're not in a relationship but we told each other "we don't want to be with other people while we're apart", "come visit" etc. 

 

A few years ago l dated this man for 5 months. He took a sabatical year to go build a house on his own, somewhere  in the tropics. There was mentions of me visiting etc. He boarded that plane and I never heard from him again. 

People say things in the moment cause they feel them *at the time*. Then they leave and the adventure and newness is so powerful we become a very far away memory to them. 

You felt a connection, she thought she felt one too. Turns out her connection was weak. 

Yes she's on an exciting trip but if her connection to you had been strong she would continue feeding it. She's not afraid of losing you. Let it go. Don't do like me and be angry an entire year over someone that's not worth it.

[bene]

On 10/22/2022 at 4:24 PM, popules said:

Like 20 minutes later she's online again and still no response to my call or text, so I called her out saying "I can see that you're online lol"

You will not make it through an entire year monitoring her status in social media apps and having her report to you who she’s talking to. It will get annoying very soon, especially in contrast with  adventures and emotions she’s experiencing.

Just let it go. Talk to her like you would to any other acquaintance who is on a long trip. A year is a long time, in fact it’s many times longer than your entire relationship so far. You can’t plan a year ahead in a three month relationship even if she was in your town. 

 

[Gaeta]

I would not talk to her at all.  It would be like standing by and waiting for the couple of crumbs she's willing to throw at you. You will feel 'granted' to her and she won't make efforts.

Tell her you realize this communication cannot be sustained for an entire year. You both need to let go for now. She needs to fully enjoy her experience and you need to live without this constant craving to hear from her. You 2 can reconnect when she comes back. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by Gaeta

[glows]

She didn’t call you because you wrote back you’d be out with family/friends or watching a game. I think your frustration is doing this in also and it’s gotten to the point where you’re so confused and fed up thinking about her probably has you in knots and it’s unpleasant overall. You’re not responding specifically to her calling but this might also have sabotaged it or any desire she might have had initially. Both of you aren’t connecting and playing it cool.

Can you remind me again what it is you like about this woman or are you feeling jealous she’s out having fun/traveling without you? There’s nothing wrong with walking away from a situation that doesn’t work. Look at the whole situation, not just what she’s doing or what you think she’s doing. It’s not working for you.

Both of you can’t commit to times to talking or keeping in touch consistently and agreed not to be in a relationship even though for all intents and purposes she’s talked about coming home and being with you. It’s two people non-committal to start and wishy washy about her going away.

Would this work for you in person (not long distance)? Likely not. It’s time to walk away, figure out what you want in a relationship and find someone who matches that.

[sedgwick]

Her trip sounds really fun, and totally normal for someone in their 20s. She probably didn't answer your text because she was busy doing fun things with her friends, which is absolutely fine. The best thing you can do is wish her a great adventure, and do your own thing until she comes back.

Edited October 24, 2022 by sedgwick

[popules]

Hey guys. Quick update.

She texted me "Good luck on your new job!!!" this Monday and I answered "Thanks!!". This was the next message in our conversation after I said I was going to watch football with friends (but the day after). Since then we haven't talked (Tuesday/Wednesday) at all. Feels so weird considering we were glued together for more than 3 months, talking 24/7. Damn this feels empty and I'm left like a big question mark about what happened.

I'm guessing it's all over, but what is the best way to act right now? See if she reaches out going forward, match her energy and in the meantime live my life? Is there still a possibility she will reach out in the future or did she just forget about me?

Thanks..

Edited October 26, 2022 by popules

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, popules said:

I'm guessing it's all over, but what is the best way to act right now? See if she reaches out going forward, match her energy and in the meantime live my life? Is there still a possibility she will reach out in the future or did she just forget about me?

Not to be harsh but it feels like you are asking the same questions over and over.  This has already been covered at length in the many responses you've been given here.  It might be helpful to simply go back and reread all the good advice you've been given here.  

[popules]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Not to be harsh but it feels like you are asking the same questions over and over.  This has already been covered at length in the many responses you've been given here.  It might be helpful to simply go back and reread all the good advice you've been given here.  

Thanks Shy, I will do that. 🙂

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, popules said:

I'm guessing it's all over, but what is the best way to act right now? See if she reaches out going forward, match her energy and in the meantime live my life?

Try to only reply, rather than initiate communication. That will give you a better read on where she stands. In the meantime consider yourself a free man even though there was no official breakup but a de facto breakup since she left for a year to be free.

[popules]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to only reply, rather than initiate communication. That will give you a better read on where she stands. In the meantime consider yourself a free man even though there was no official breakup but a de facto breakup since she left for a year to be free.

Yeah. Thanks Wiseman!

[kendahke]

On 10/23/2022 at 1:50 PM, popules said:

we're not in a relationship but

...but nothing. You're not in a relationship. She isn't committed to you--she's committed to this trip, with her friends, who she's known far longer.

You don't even know her well enough to be honest with her that you don't trust her... you've known us even less time and you've told us more than you've told her, it would seem.

13 hours ago, popules said:

Feels so weird considering we were glued together for more than 3 months, talking 24/7.

That's called the 'honeymoon phase'. The first 3 months is when your representatives are presenting your best side (basically, the same energy that goes on job interviews and lands the job isn't the same energy as the one that's been there for 20 years.). You say/do all the right things during this time to effect the positive outcome you've constructed in your mind.  Then around the 3 month mark, the "on their best behavior" representatives are dismissed and the "real you/real her" comes to the fore. 

The real her happens to be eyeballs deep in her trip of a young lifetime (there will be more as she grows older bc traveling does that to you) with friends she's known for years.

The real you doesn't appear to have enough going on in his life and is assigning his grievance about that to her by making her own his jealousy of other men he deems more exciting than he is.

You've been knowing her for 3 months, yet I haven't seen anywhere where you've gone on any local hikes with her, or tried to get involved with hiking.  What were you doing 3 months ago that occupied your mind/time? Try going back to that or developing some new outdoor interests so you have something to look forward to every day other than someone you barely know. That's a lot to hang on a stranger.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, popules said:

I'm left like a big question mark about what happened

We have already gone over this, OP. We have explained why you should expect this to happen. 

17 hours ago, popules said:

See if she reaches out going forward, match her energy and in the meantime live my life?

Live your life assuming this has fizzled out.  There is no energy to match anymore. She is moving on and so should you, man. 

[glows]

19 hours ago, popules said:

Is there still a possibility she will reach out in the future or did she just forget about me?

She clearly hasn’t forgotten about you at all if she just sent you good wishes on your first day at your new job. 

This isn’t a relationship as you both agreed not to be in one. Treat it as keeping in touch only. If she comes back later on and you both want to pick up where you left off and are single then cross that bridge later.