I think I pushed him away. what now?

[jjervshel]

I met a great guy this last year. Handsome, funny, we had so much in common. He was unique, interesting and really really liked me. He had interesting hobbies, very healthy minded. Unlike anyone I've ever met. But, I think I pushed him away.

I was engaged to someone 2-3 years ago. I was cheated on BAD! I mean BAD! My ex fiance had sex with almost 20 other women. There was DV in the relationship as well. I got out of it- but it was very traumatic and I still have issues from it.

This new guy was awesome and so handsome. But, I was scared from the beginning. I took off on him a couple times in the past year telling him how "I can't date you" or "We can't be in a relationship". But, the truth is I was scared.

I was a little overweight when we first met and he did not care at all. In the slightest. He thought I was beautiful. He always contacted me, asked me to hang out, always responded to me...he was awesome. I was scared I guess or I wasn't ready. I pushed him away. I told him once I didn't even "like him like that" and he got upset. He works down the street from where I live and we used to see each other often. We recently were hanging out again but just platonically this time. I thought maybe we should just focus on our friendship for now- so I didn't want to lead with sex. Everything was going great and we were getting along SO well. It seemed he really wanted to be friends too. We started to open up to each other and I told him I was "going on a date" with someone and he shut down immediately. He told me that he tried but he can not be my platonic friend. I was confused because he seemed to be ok with being friends too- but he was like "no" I can't. The truth is, I liked him too, but having sex with him again was like being in a relationship with him. We got along like best friends and I felt that- if sex happened- I felt like we would immediately be dating. It was too much.

He would ask me to hang out and I would respond "I'll let you know how I feel" or I would blow him off. I didn't want to- he was just so available and really a great guy that the idea of moving forward with him scared me! I regret it. I guess its the classic example of push him away because you could love him. I miss him and think about him a lot.

It's been 2 months and I haven't seen him near his work and he has not contacted me. I used to see him almost every week-I think he is avoiding me. I go on dates with guys- but I still think about him. I feel like I pushed him away and now I don't know what to do. 

 

I walk down by his office sometimes hoping to see him. But, I never do. What should I do?

Edited October 20, 2022 by jjervshel
New wording

[stillafool]

I agree that you pushed him away and now he's gone.  Don't try to reach him unless you plan to tell him how you felt and you really do want to date him this time.  Otherwise he will think you are full of it and will be really turned off.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jjervshel said:

We started to open up to each other and I told him I was "going on a date" with someone and he shut down immediately.

Unfortunately, telling him you are dating someone is a good reason for him to step away. However if you are not dating this other person any longer, ask this man to meet and explain that you are ready for a relationship now and have worked on yourself to that end.

[basil67]

Do you realise that it's both unfair and selfish to be wanting friendship with a guy who wants more?   He'd be forever sad that he's not getting your love and watching you dating others.  He sounds like a good guy and thankfully he's realised he should aim for better than this.

If you want friends, find straight female or gay guys.  Ones who won't catch feelings for you

 

[NuevoYorko]

You were not ready for a relationship, and also you played a lot of games.  If I were this guy I would not try to date you anymore, it sounds like a whole lot of drama, mixed messages and nothing good coming from it.

Have you done anything to work on yourself so you'll be ready for a relationship next time a great prospect shows up?

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, jjervshel said:

I was engaged to someone 2-3 years ago. I was cheated on BAD! I mean BAD! My ex fiance had sex with almost 20 other women. There was DV in the relationship as well. I got out of it- but it was very traumatic and I still have issues from it.

So you were engaged to an abuser who cheated on you.   

First off, I advise exploring why you allowed yourself to remain in that toxic situation for as long as you did, even getting engaged.   There must be a reason.

My guess is you loved him and on some level you may have become addicted to the drama as well.  That's typically how it goes with such relationships.

So now it's over and you're left dealing with the aftermath, the trauma.  And you meet a NICE guy, a good guy, a guy who could truly love you, NOT abuse you and offer stability.

But you say you got scared.  May I ask of what?

When I met my husband I was scared s***!!!   Did I run off, cancel dates, tell him I can't be in relationship, push him away and cause so much drama?

No way, why?  Because I was very attracted to him, totally into him, I felt I could love him and there was no way on god's green earth I would push him away, despite how scared I was, despite my fears.

Although you and your abusive fiancé are no longer together, on some level you are STILL drawn to the drama and men who aren't very kind and keep you on edge.   Try as you might to NOT be, it's what attracts you which is why you pushed this good stable solid man away.  He simply didn't offer the drama and excitement you subconsciously crave and are drawn to.  

Now that he's gone, you feel off balance, uncertain and on edge, which are emotions you can relate to; they're the same emotions you felt with your abusive fiancé..  Makes perfect sense when you think about it.

My advice is seek therapy to help you sort through your emotions, specifically your attraction to your abusive fiancé and why you chose to stay as long as you did.  

I speak from experience when I say these are extremely difficult issues to sort through and I wish you the very best on this difficult journey.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, jjervshel said:

I told him I was "going on a date" with someone and he shut down immediately. He told me that he tried but he can not be my platonic friend. I was confused because he seemed to be ok with being friends too-

Girl, no. You can't expect to be friends with an ex and then tell him about your love life. That was both unrealistic and incredibly insensitive of you. What were you trying to accomplish there? It sounds like you were trying to hurt him, honestly. To punish him for your own pain from the past. You can see how that doesn't work. 

11 hours ago, jjervshel said:

What should I do?

Accept that it's over and work on letting go. And work on healing from your abusive relationship, too. You still have a long way to go, which is understandable, but you are in no position to date yet.