Social anxiety ruining my life

[genericwhitemale]

I just need to get this off my chest. I do  not mean to throw a pity party. 

I'm 29-years old and have had social anxiety since age 10, though it has gotten progressively worse the last two years or so. Before then it was always at least SOMEwhat manageable. 

Basic things are near impossible for me. For example, I used to smoke but decided to quit, not due to health or financial concerns, but because the anxiety of having to go to the store and ask the clerk was for smokes was overwhelming. And even when I did, I was so anxious that I couldn't speak and had to pretend to be deaf because my words would get stuck in my throat. 

The crazy part is I'm a high school teacher. I get through the day, but it wears me out and I'm looking for another job. I like my students, but the constant anxiety and discomfort drains me. For example, our school had a sporting event tonight and I figured I'd attend because one of my students asked me to. I got there early enough, but I saw some parents there and nearly had a panic attack. I just can't [ ]  do it. It makes no sense. 

Our principal asked us to start up clubs for students with special interests. I can't do it. I'm worried that no one would attend and it would confirm to my inner critic that I'm a worthless piece of s*** and no one likes me. 

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that my self-esteem is 0. I haven't had a friend since 7th grade, I've never had a romantic partner, I've never been on a date. I hate myself with every Fibre of my being. I honestly can't  name one thing I like about myself. I am filthy and ugly and stupid and uncharismatic and uninteresting and just an overall piece of s*** and I don't know how to feel better. 

I do apologize for the long incoherent rant. I am just so angry at myself for bailing on that sporting event tonight and for this being an ongoing problem. I just HAVE to get it off my chest. 

Edited October 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ShyViolet]

This sounds severe enough that you need professional help.  Have you ever or are you currently getting professional help for this?

[Foxhall]

16 minutes ago, genericwhitemale said:

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that my self-esteem is 0. I haven't had a friend since 7th grade, I've never had a romantic partner, I've never been on a date. I hate myself with every Fibre of my being. I honestly can't  name one thing I like about myself. I am filthy and ugly and stupid and uncharismatic and uninteresting and just an overall piece of s*** and I don't know how to feel better. 

I have probably felt that way on occasion,

I think you have to accept you will never be a social butterfly, but at the same time you have to push yourself out of the comfort zone somewhat,

make at least half an effort to talk to people and "fit in" at these type of social events,

You may meet one or two folks along the way who you relate too and feel more comfortable with,

Personally Id probably put myself about a 3 or at most a 4 on a self-esteem scale, (out of 10)

but thats probably enough to get by and obtain some of those things you feel you are missing.

so small improvements and confidence boosters will make a big difference.

Edited October 20, 2022 by Foxhall

[mark clemson]

Agree a therapist might be a good idea. 

Consider this - if you can improve yourself by 1% a week, in less than 2 years, you've improved 100%.

Of course %'s don't work well for qualitative improvements, but you get the idea. Commit to making small, incremental changes that stick, and build on those. Hopefully an approach like this can be helpful for you.