Does confessing speeds up the reconciliation progress?

[DazedconfusedM]

It's been 12 days since I (M 40) came forward and confessed to my wife (F 39) of 15 years about my affair with my co-worker. The affair lasted for 4 months and I ended it out of overwhelming guilt and wanting to work on my marriage. It consisted more of an EA than a PA. We were sharing feelings, texting our fantasies of traveling to France to see the Eiffel tower, spending quality time, making-out and I gave my affection to her for 3 months. We only had sex twice in the month of September. I'm the type of man that actually has to develop feelings for the woman. I've never done a ONS. This is what is really hurting my wife the most; that I had developed feelings for the other woman. 

However, I found out the woman was actually using me for money and I quitted my job 9 days ago. I'm currently unemployed at this moment and desperately looking for other jobs. We have 3 children. Our oldest daughter is 14 years old, our boy is 11 and youngest girl is 7 years old. During the time I was cheating, I treated my wife poorly. I used to come home drunk sometimes late at night and became a bit distant towards her and our children. I made my wife think it was her fault I was cheating. [ ] 

My affair had nothing to with a revenge plot nor past triggers. i wasn't triggering. I was cheating and trying to escape the reality that I was going to be caught eventually.  Even thought she never directly asked if I was cheating, she was already questioning about my sudden and recent behaviors, why I lied about having double shifts and working on Sunday, etc. I had no answers to her questions other than verbally lashing out and bringing back things from the past, from before we were even married. Needless to say, when I confessed I said everything. I didn't leave any trickle truth, none. By confessing, does this accelerates the reconciliating process. We have our first appointment with a marriage counselor tomorrow.

Edited October 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to wife's story on other forum

[DazedconfusedM]

I would like to think that when you confess to cheating it speeds up R process and instead of it taking 5 years, maybe it'll take 2 years. I've never been the cheater before until now. If anyone knows about the process if a cheater confesses, that would be helpful.

If I need to do other things that I'm not doing, let me know. I hope my wife will recover eventually. She's been crying these past days.

Edited October 21, 2022 by DazedconfusedM

[salparadise]

I've never been one to ride on the confession bandwagon. i know you hear it a lot on the forums... confess your sins and who you are so they can make an informed decision. It's the right thing, etc. There are a lot of these theoretical, purist, idealized notions, when the reality is that things are almost never black and white. I think confession is often unburdening at the expense of the spouse. They will never get over it. Yea, I know, truth-truth-truth and to hell with the consequences. Moral objectivism. If you must confess, that's what priests are for. Now that you are unburdened, all you have to do is wait for the wife to equilibrate. And you're wishing she'd just get'r done already. 

Edited October 21, 2022 by salparadise

[heartwhole2]

I was desperate for a short cut to healing after I found out about my husband's affair too. I remember reading a different source that said "18 months to 3 years" and I was like, yes, much better, I'll go with this timeline . . .

The truth is, healing is neither linear nor a single moment in time. It's a process you go through to take a gaping wound and turn it into an old scar that might still smart from time to time. I understand how the thought of struggling and suffering for five years is really overwhelming, but I encourage you not to think about it like that. If your wife is giving you the chance of reconciliation then the next few years will include the opportunity to:

• practice supporting your wife and deepening your empathy
• learn more about yourself and work on skills to be the best version of yourself
• focus on your family

Now one thing that is really important for healing is to be completely honest at this point. "Trickle truth" is a common mistake that cheaters make out of a misguided attempt at damage control. Friend, there is no controlling the damage; you've already thrown the marriage off a cliff. You can't stop gravity. All you can do is give your spouse whatever they ask for to survive the crash. In a marriage where the cheater is withholding information about the affair and only admitting to what the spouse already knows, it's true that healing will be delayed or maybe impossible. You need a clean cut for the wound to heal. Don't infect it with half-truths (which are, of course, also half-lies).

It's been 7 years since my husband sort of confessed (only to an EA when it was really a PA) and we're doing well. Infidelity is a major trauma like losing a loved one, but even when you lose a loved one, you still keep living. I have some wonderful memories from the summer after I unexpectedly lost my dad. I was grieving, but I was still able to experience joy and love.

You set this train wreck in motion and you can't control how fiery the crash is now. All you can do is really truly put yourself in your wife's shoes and understand how horribly traumatizing and heartbreaking this is for her. It sounds like you have some self-awareness and true concern for your wife, and I'm sure those will carry you through. It's good to reach out for help here, and ideally, also in therapy, because I definitely wouldn't recommend sharing with your wife that you hope your healing time is shorter. That will sound like you are trying to avoid the natural consequences of your choices.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

I definitely wouldn't recommend sharing with your wife that you hope your healing time is shorter. That will sound like you are trying to avoid the natural consequences of your choices.

Agree. You tell her that you are prepared to do whatever is required until… because the truth is, this will forever be a part of the fabric of your marriage. Hopefully, as heartwhole said, it won’t be a gaping hole forever, it will eventually be mended and will only smart occasionally. 

When I suffered a traumatic loss, a friend who had been through something similar said it was three years until she felt happy again. I remember thinking - three years!! That seemed like such a long time to be in pain/grief, but it took years to feel consistently good again. It’s in our nature to want to speed the healing because we don’t like pain. But the truth here is, you are only part of the healing. The timeline to recover from this will depend in large part on your wife, and as heartwhole said, the path is neither predictable or linear. And unfortunately, there is only so much you can do to help her along this path… Which means, you need to get comfortable feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable as that is likely how you will be feeling for a while…

I wish you well with the marriage counselling. Take care. 

Edited October 21, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

The marriage may be too broken to fix and marriage counselling will show you (if you’re both sincere about it) where those parts are broken before the affair. If you have a drinking problem you’ll need to be honest about it and address that. 

You both have young children so the effect of a rotted or dysfunctional marriage is affecting not just your wife and you but your kids. They’re also to be considered. 

And you are now unemployed which brings to light some questions about how you feel, feelings of low worth, possible depression, anxiety due to financial strain and more tangible issues like tight cash flow and not just anger, frustration and betrayal at home. All these are affecting your kids too.

The general effect is a lot of instability. Who is paying for the marriage counselling? Does your wife work? Also something to be considered. Not only was she sidelined and betrayed, she may be footing the bill for a marriage on the brink. 

All you can do is be remorseful, honest, genuine. You were vulnerable and broken enough to fall for a scammer who wanted your money. The ones who suffer are your wife and your kids also for the financial infidelity if you were giving the OW money. That’s money that should have been going back to your family.

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

 By confessing, does this accelerates the reconciliating process. We have our first appointment with a marriage counselor tomorrow.

IF your spouse has found out about the affair, then theoretically it should. From what I have seen on online sites, trickle-truthing, one discovered or even suspected, leaves the BS wondering, investigating, and most importantly continuing to feel betrayed so that trust is eroded even further. This delays the START of potential resolution and increases the BS's distress.

I would note your question seems to assume reconciliation will occur. That is by no means guaranteed, although if your wife hasn't simply walked out (some do this) there is at least potential for it.

If your spouse has NOT found out, then it's very questionable. "Reconcile" suggests a rift, and perhaps one is there, but it's quite unlikely to be the rather drastic rift that occurs when the affair is known about. So the question of telling, rather than simply ending the affair and working on repairing the marriage, becomes a question the WS has to answer for themselves.

Finding out about an affair generates a VERY wide range of potential responses/outcomes, ranging from it being shrugged off all the way to, in rare but real cases, murder. That said, there are probably some bulges in the distribution curve around the relationship ending and painful reconciliation outcomes. Telling may, in some cases, result in an improved marriage, but it also carries a quite real risk of destroying the marriage instantly when the BS quickly moves out never to return, or leaves after attempting reconciliation, or sometimes even worse reactions.

So it becomes (rationally at least, but of course people aren't always rational) something the WS needs to determine for themselves, based on factors like likelihood of discovery, expected reaction from the spouse, ability to "live with" not telling (not everyone can), etc. 

Overall, if the spouse doesn't know, telling is a pretty high-risk endeavor (from the perspective of maintaining the marriage) and so not to be taken lightly.

Edited October 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[DazedconfusedM]

Even though I'm not working at this moment and my wife wanted to help, I declined. There are still large portions of money in my savings. I have 3 bank accounts and my wife has one. My wife works too and also helps out with the bills. She's a public High School teacher. She gets up at 5am, leaves home at 6:10 am and leaves the school at 2:20pm. She's back home between 2:45 to 3pm. Afterwards (at 3:30 pm) is our 1st session with the marriage counselor.

Heartwhole2 I definitely agree this is 100% my fault. I've made selfish choices that destroyed her and my bonding with our childest daughter. Meanwhile my other kids are ok, our 14 year-old daughter is angry at me for the times I got home drunk and acted distant. I'm working on gaining back her respect. We've actually went to couple counseling with her many years ago when we were just bf and gf so I already have an idea how it's like there. I actually do know what's it like to be in my wife's shoes. I've been there once when I was her bf but we worked it out. My present cheating is now totally unrelated to that long ago past. This is totally on me. I believe what I did (cheating on a marriage and 3 kids) is worse than getting cheated on in a relationship and no kids. 

4 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

You set this train wreck in motion and you can't control how fiery the crash is now. All you can do is really truly put yourself in your wife's shoes and understand how horribly traumatizing and heartbreaking this is for her. It sounds like you have some self-awareness and true concern for your wife, and I'm sure those will carry you through. It's good to reach out for help here, and ideally, also in therapy, because I definitely wouldn't recommend sharing with your wife that you hope your healing time is shorter. That will sound like you are trying to avoid the natural consequences of your choices.

[DazedconfusedM]

The thing I'm having a harder time understand (I'm trying to) is why do women generally get more hurt if we actually develop feelings for the other woman and is more than just sex. My wife herself said it that it would've been easier if it were a ONS and was more hurt over my prolonged EA than the 2 times we had sex in September. I've told her exactly what I posted here, everything, the whole truth.

She cried more when she asked me if I still had feelings for the other woman (this was before finding out I was used for money) and I answered yes. If I had told her no and that it was just physical, I would've been lying. This made her cry more. Why do women generally get more hurt by this than men? I would get hurt more with a PA than an EA. 

[heartwhole2]

26 minutes ago, DazedconfusedM said:

The thing I'm having a harder time understand (I'm trying to) is why do women generally get more hurt if we actually develop feelings for the other woman and is more than just sex. My wife herself said it that it would've been easier if it were a ONS and was more hurt over my prolonged EA than the 2 times we had sex in September. I've told her exactly what I posted here, everything, the whole truth.

She cried more when she asked me if I still had feelings for the other woman (this was before finding out I was used for money) and I answered yes. If I had told her no and that it was just physical, I would've been lying. This made her cry more. Why do women generally get more hurt by this than men? I would get hurt more with a PA than an EA. 

Well it's an interesting question because if I got to pick between my husband having sex with someone else and my husband falling in love with someone else, I'd . . . choose neither, lol. I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out why your wife feels that one aspect of your terrible, awful, no good affair makes it even worse for her. It just does. And fixating on it makes it sound like you're trying to prove that your affair was not all that bad, really. And it's really a terrible idea to introduce something awful like an affair to your marriage and then ask your spouse to contemplate how much worse you could have been.

I do remember the two weeks when I thought my husband's affair was "just" an emotional one. Now I am no dummy and obviously I assumed he would try to have sex with someone he had those feelings for, but she lived so far away and I didn't think they'd gotten a chance yet. The joke was on me as when there's a will, there's a way. I do remember, when I found out it was really a PA, that it didn't feel that much worse than thinking it was an emotional affair. If I had to analyze why, I'd say that it's based on a latent fear of being "mate poached." If your mate has some meaningless sex with another woman whom he doesn't really respect or care for, then there's no harm* to your marriage right? But if he's sending all these love notes and wishing on a star for a trip to the Eiffel Tower together, then it IS a threat and it feels really disrespectful. Not just from your husband who supposedly married you because he wanted to reserve those feelings for you and only you, but also from the OW who was apparently merrily plotting to kick you out of your own marriage and life. I'm not saying these feelings are rational or all that conscious . . . they are very primal and instinctual.

I felt a whole lot of primal rage, which thankfully I was able to recognize and meditate on. In all of my actions I have tried to demonstrate compassion, self-control, etc. But yeah, I wanted to Hulk smash some things.

*Obviously there is A LOT OF HARM that comes with affairs. But I mean that if you are acting on a survival instinct to protect yourself and your children and make sure your provider doesn't leave, then meaningless sex is not a threat to that. It absolutely is antithetical to a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship unless that relationship is an open marriage.

Edited October 21, 2022 by heartwhole2
footnote

[salparadise]

5 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

The thing I'm having a harder time understand (I'm trying to) is why do women generally get more hurt if we actually develop feelings for the other woman and is more than just sex.

Because women conceive internally and don't ever have to worry about paternity fraud. If she's pregnant there is no question that it's her's. With men the opposite is true. If the wife is pregnant he can't know for absolute certain that it's his child, and in terms of genetic proliferation there is nothing worse than a man spending his life and resources ensuring the success of someone else's progeny. Therefore men are extremely concerned that their wife can be trusted not to have sex with other men when he's out hunting and foraging. For the wife, her greater threat is not that the husband will have sex with someone else, but that he will develop feelings and leave her and their children for the other woman... thereby withdrawing protection and resources that she and the children rely on.

This is all based on accepted theories of human evolution and evolutionary psychology, which I won't go into, but if you're curious google Dr. David Buss and enjoy a deep dive. He has done a lot of research on human sexual behavior and he's an excellent writer.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm conflicted on whether you should "confess." 

First, I think the main point is you should stop if you're having an affair. That's the biggest thing. You did this. Good for you. 

The problem with confessing is that it can focus on the feelings of the cheater. You're feeling bad. Well that's your plight once you cheat and that's something to work out in private. I know: the optimistic addendum is that you can confess and then become a better, more present partner. But still that's kinda selfish: focusing on how you (the cheater in this situation) feels. 

So I'm skeptical about confessing--as long as the cheater has stopped. 

On the other hand, I don't want to implicitly endorse cheating by saying you can keep it secret if you just stop. 

The truth is confession is dropping a bomb. And it's not clear to me that dropping a bomb is better than just keeping quiet--and of course stopping. And there is no automatic, preplanned, predictable path of healing once you confess. I sense there are a lot of couples out there where one partner quietly suspects that the other has cheated and yet they sorta ignore that possibility if there is no outward confirmation and if the formerly cheating partner is treating them well now. 

[Will am I]

I know where you come from.

 

What is good is that you turned around and confessed (instead of continuing along the path until you’d eventually get caught). That may be a pivotal difference. 

 

What is important now is ro realize that you’re at your wife’s grace. 

She dictates what details she needs to know and when. She decides when she will choose to forgive.

Another good sign is that your wife agreed to couples counseling. It does not guarantee that she’ll be able to move past the affair, but it does show she wants to try.

 

Advice: try to understand your reasons for getting involved with your ex AP. 
 

[Will am I]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The problem with confessing is that it can focus on the feelings of the cheater.

This is a good point.

I believe confession should primarily be a mention of what you did, plus the expression of regret for you have come to realize how deeply this must affect your wife.

The other elements of a confession are the details and the “why”. For those I recommend that you let your spouse be in charge of what she wants to hear and when.

When she inquires about “why”, be careful to stay within your own boundaries and not play the blame card. Phrasing the message in a proper way that it explains your motivations without putting any blame on her, it may need a bit of prep.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

 I'll just post what she posted nearly 3 weeks ago when she was suspecting of my cheating. 

Where did you come across her post? Were you two both on an infidelity forum and you recognized yourself?

Did you confess because she already knew? Unfortunately a confession doesn't necessarily make reconciliation a guarantee nor necessarily accelerate the process.

Whether or not she forgives or trusts again is in her hands. She may while in the shock phase but in the long run decide divorce is an option.

You could try marriage therapy if you are both willing, but again there's no guarantee.

For right now, be transparent and accountable. And perhaps consider private counseling to examine why you went down this road.

[heartwhole2]

Laying it all on the table doesn't speed up reconciliation. But lies, deflections, and half-truths delay/slow down reconciliation. The clock starts when the BS has all the information they want and need to make an informed decision.

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

The thing I'm having a harder time understand (I'm trying to) is why do women generally get more hurt if we actually develop feelings for the other woman and is more than just sex.

I think it’s a difference between the sexes.

As they say, men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex.

Sex at its base level is an exchange of bodily fluids. But developing feelings for another… Both are a betrayal, but my husband forming a relationship with another woman would be much more threatening and more hurtful than if it was just meaningless sex (a ONS). 

 

[DazedconfusedM]

The first meeting with the marriage counselor was ok so far. It was an introduction, our history together, how we met, why are we here for, if we have ever been to a couple or marriage counseling before and what do we hope to accomplish. 

I get you and at the end of the day, it doesn't changes that I still had an affair, still cheated and need to rebuild trust in my marriage. 

14 hours ago, salparadise said:

Because women conceive internally and don't ever have to worry about paternity fraud. If she's pregnant there is no question that it's her's. With men the opposite is true. If the wife is pregnant he can't know for absolute certain that it's his child, and in terms of genetic proliferation there is nothing worse than a man spending his life and resources ensuring the success of someone else's progeny. Therefore men are extremely concerned that their wife can be trusted not to have sex with other men when he's out hunting and foraging. For the wife, her greater threat is not that the husband will have sex with someone else, but that he will develop feelings and leave her and their children for the other woman... thereby withdrawing protection and resources that she and the children rely on.

This is all based on accepted theories of human evolution and evolutionary psychology, which I won't go into, but if you're curious google Dr. David Buss and enjoy a deep dive. He has done a lot of research on human sexual behavior and he's an excellent writer.

That's a great explanation and indeed makes sense. Even though I love my wife more than the other woman, just the fact that I still caught feeling was a blow to her. Understandable. I'm working on rebuilding our marriage and help her recover.

19 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Well it's an interesting question because if I got to pick between my husband having sex with someone else and my husband falling in love with someone else, I'd . . . choose neither, lol. I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out why your wife feels that one aspect of your terrible, awful, no good affair makes it even worse for her. It just does. And fixating on it makes it sound like you're trying to prove that your affair was not all that bad, really. And it's really a terrible idea to introduce something awful like an affair to your marriage and then ask your spouse to contemplate how much worse you could have been.

I do remember the two weeks when I thought my husband's affair was "just" an emotional one. Now I am no dummy and obviously I assumed he would try to have sex with someone he had those feelings for, but she lived so far away and I didn't think they'd gotten a chance yet. The joke was on me as when there's a will, there's a way. I do remember, when I found out it was really a PA, that it didn't feel that much worse than thinking it was an emotional affair. If I had to analyze why, I'd say that it's based on a latent fear of being "mate poached." If your mate has some meaningless sex with another woman whom he doesn't really respect or care for, then there's no harm* to your marriage right? But if he's sending all these love notes and wishing on a star for a trip to the Eiffel Tower together, then it IS a threat and it feels really disrespectful. Not just from your husband who supposedly married you because he wanted to reserve those feelings for you and only you, but also from the OW who was apparently merrily plotting to kick you out of your own marriage and life. I'm not saying these feelings are rational or all that conscious . . . they are very primal and instinctual.
 

 

[DazedconfusedM]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

I know where you come from.

 

What is good is that you turned around and confessed (instead of continuing along the path until you’d eventually get caught). That may be a pivotal difference. 

 

What is important now is ro realize that you’re at your wife’s grace. 

She dictates what details she needs to know and when. She decides when she will choose to forgive.

Another good sign is that your wife agreed to couples counseling. It does not guarantee that she’ll be able to move past the affair, but it does show she wants to try.

 

Advice: try to understand your reasons for getting involved with your ex AP. 
 

Yes I decided to save her the headache of doing investigation or catching me, of possibly contacting a PI, installing a VAR and other things she would've had to collect, save her all that headache of then confronting me with the evidence and press the truth from me. I know why I cheated and it had nothing to do with a revenge affair (I never lied about it being forgiven when I proposed to her) she believed base on her post. I was undergoing a bit of depression for the simple fact of growing old and not having experience with life like some of my friends had. It was definitely a midlife crisis and wondering what it feels to be with another woman. My former co-worker (a single woman) and I had a couple things in common, I found her attractive and unique, we shared too much information about our private lifes and things started spiralling from there. We were young college student when my wife (then gf) met me and I was a virgin at the time. I haven't even dated any other girl before her. 

[DazedconfusedM]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where did you come across her post? Were you two both on an infidelity forum and you recognized yourself?

Did you confess because she already knew? Unfortunately a confession doesn't necessarily make reconciliation a guarantee nor necessarily accelerate the process.

Whether or not she forgives or trusts again is in her hands. She may while in the shock phase but in the long run decide divorce is an option.

You could try marriage therapy if you are both willing, but again there's no guarantee.

For right now, be transparent and accountable. And perhaps consider private counseling to examine why you went down this road.

A couple days after ending my affair, I came across [that website ] where people post about infidelity but it was a bad idea. I was asking how to get rid of the guilt and confess. I've been called every single name in the dictionary and I was in no mood to tolerate their insults. I was super pissed off at them and insulted them. I told them they weren't answering my question and that I was looking for advice, not derrogatory names. I was writing from my cousin's computer when I posted there and was very drunk out of guilt. Even though I didn't give out too much information nor our ages, a couple of the members claimed to have seen a woman posting about having suspicious of her husband cheating and that my story seemed like the fitting puzzle to hers. Then another member sent me the link to her story and that's when I saw it. It was her. That was me in the story. Then after I've confessed to cheating and everything was out in the open, my wife confirmed she wrote [online] too. She was in tears when some of those repliers insulted her and never came back to that site.

Edited October 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed name of other site

[salparadise]

 

22 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

If I had to analyze why, I'd say that it's based on a latent fear of being "mate poached." If your mate has some meaningless sex with another woman whom he doesn't really respect or care for, then there's no harm* to your marriage right? But if he's sending all these love notes and wishing on a star for a trip to the Eiffel Tower together, then it IS a threat and it feels really disrespectful.

And conversely, we see so many threads on here where a man posts that his wife is texting and staying out after work with some other man who is characterized as "just a friend," and the entire focus becomes whether or not they're having sex. As the thread progresses everyone suggests ways to figure that out, as if sex/no sex is the only relevant question. Even the women will start defending her right to have her new "friend" as long as there is no sex (or no proof).  I just roll my eyes... because it doesn't really matter. She's carrying on a relationship either way, and no they're not "friends" if they haven't had sex –– yet.   

[Lotsgoingon]

You should google Julie Gottman and John Gottman on this. The Gottmans are world famous marriage counselors who are super practical and specific. They've got a number of really good articles out there that are really sharp.

Julie Gottman has a great youtube video on recovering from an affair--with very specific steps a couple needs to go through the maximize their chances of healing and rebuilding the relationship.

Key point: Julie Gottman thinks affairs destroy the old relationship, but couples can (not always) build a new and very satisfying relationship. Her talk is called "Trust Revival Method." It's about 5 minutes.

Good luck. Glad you guys took that first step. 

 

[Will am I]

4 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

Yes I decided to save her the headache of doing investigation or catching me, of possibly contacting a PI, installing a VAR and other things she would've had to collect, save her all that headache of then confronting me with the evidence and press the truth from me.

Let’s be real here, were these the things on your mind? How your wife would have to find out and gather evidence? And how you didn’t want her through all that hassle?

Usually when we’re in affairs we tend not to think so much about our spouses. Else we wouldn’t be doing the affairs in the first place.

I remember that I simply didn’t like to be “that kind of guy” (who cheats on his wife with a girl half his age). My behaviour didn’t match my own moral standards, it felt embarrassing. But is was still a “me thing” and not cosideration towards my wife at this point.

4 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

I know why I cheated and it had nothing to do with a revenge affair (I never lied about it being forgiven when I proposed to her) she believed base on her post. I was undergoing a bit of depression for the simple fact of growing old and not having experience with life like some of my friends had. It was definitely a midlife crisis and wondering what it feels to be with another woman.

I’m puzzled by the part where you gave your wife a different explanation than the real one. That was such a waste of an opportunity to have real heart to heart talk and work on your marriage. Instead that only caused more hurt; you were indirectly putting blame on your wife with this explanation.

When you say “it was a midlife crisis”, don’t take these things too lightly. Midlife crises typically run a couple of years. I’d rather say this may have been an episode within a midlife crisis.
 

4 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

My former co-worker (a single woman) and I had a couple things in common, I found her attractive and unique, we shared too much information about our private lifes and things started spiralling from there.

That’s very relatable. You got to know her and you liked and appreciated her and you fell in love. What you were really building was a new romantic relationship, not an affair.

Consider the idea that you (and I) aren’t “good at affairs”. By that I mean some people seem to be able to compartimentize. Wife is 

love of my life / partner / loyal buddy / mother of my children / my anchor

OW is 

fun to be with / playful / totally hot in bed

And these coexist where the OW only gets into a very specific area of their heart. If you find yourself falling in love and adoration of your OW, she won’t stay in some little compartment in your heart, she is taking over. Maybe affairs are not your strength (it’s a good thing if you suck at having affairs).
 

4 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

We were young college student when my wife (then gf) met me and I was a virgin at the time. I haven't even dated any other girl before her. 

I do understand how the idea of sexual conquest can be appealing.

But the fact that you didn’t have more sex partners is by no means an excuse. 
 

Sorry if some of my statements are somewhat offensive, but sugar coating the message does not help if you are looking to break patterns. I have all the best intentions and do not intend to disrespect you.

[DazedconfusedM]

11 hours ago, salparadise said:

 

And conversely, we see so many threads on here where a man posts that his wife is texting and staying out after work with some other man who is characterized as "just a friend," and the entire focus becomes whether or not they're having sex. As the thread progresses everyone suggests ways to figure that out, as if sex/no sex is the only relevant question. Even the women will start defending her right to have her new "friend" as long as there is no sex (or no proof).  I just roll my eyes... because it doesn't really matter. She's carrying on a relationship either way, and no they're not "friends" if they haven't had sex –– yet.   

Besides the well written explaination of us having to worried about whether it's our child or not, it can also be our territorial instinct. Knowing someone else enter her, can debilitating to our own self-esteem, ego, pride. We need to feel we're the best man for her, the one she selects to be her life partner, her provider, the father of her children. Some things are just the way they are and won't change not even if condoms and pills are already invented, no matter what year it is. 

[DazedconfusedM]

Thank you Lotsgoingon. I'll check their videos in a moment. 

11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You should google Julie Gottman and John Gottman on this. The Gottmans are world famous marriage counselors who are super practical and specific. They've got a number of really good articles out there that are really sharp.

Julie Gottman has a great youtube video on recovering from an affair--with very specific steps a couple needs to go through the maximize their chances of healing and rebuilding the relationship.

Key point: Julie Gottman thinks affairs destroy the old relationship, but couples can (not always) build a new and very satisfying relationship. Her talk is called "Trust Revival Method." It's about 5 minutes.

Good luck. Glad you guys took that first step. 

 

Will, yes perhaps I'm terrible in carrying an affair and at lying. The first time I had to lie to my wife, the other woman had to somewhat teach me how to lie. I know what it was like getting cheated on once (it got worked out) but have never found myself in the situation of carrying a secret relationship, being the cheater and having to lie. That was a new experience to me and that's when I started drinking out of guilt. In the end I felt it wasn't fair for her to go through all that hassle of finding it out herself when I can admit it myself. She was going to eventually go into investigation mode soon. I figured that by confessing it all and laying everything out in the open (even if it's painful) meant less questions they would ask, them not worrying too much about trickle truths and the R process starts and ends faster. 

The different explanation I gave my wife than the real one happened before my confession. She was only asking about my changes in behavior and the lying about working on double and on Sunday. At that moment, I didn't answer too much other than made up excuses about how job sometimes respects workplace policies and will not tell you the schedule, then got irritated and started blameshifting, throwing the past in her face and walked out of the house out of guilt. It was when I confessed that I said the truth. 

Perhaps I'm different from you and I was never meant to have a ONS. Even as a man, it was hard for me to not develop emotions while I was having my affair. Meanwhile my wife (not counting the long ago incident) has proven to be my best ally, great mother to our kids and my support...I really didn't see my AP as just great in bed. I saw my AP as the 2nd woman I've bonded greatly with, a great friend and gf and sudden intense infatuation where I've fallen in love. Yes I'm aware my lack of more sexual experience with women isn't an excuse either. Thank you for your input though.

 

Edited October 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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