Does confessing speeds up the reconciliation progress?

[DazedconfusedM]

I have to admit I'm still hurt that my AP used me this whole time for money. I found this out when she accidentally meant to text the message to another man but instead sent it to my cell. This was her last message and I quitted my job the following day:

''You mean (my name), oh that beta idiot. I took more than $6000 out of him in those 4 months. He's a total simp. Yo I telling u, tell him Santa Clause is coming to town and he'll believe you. He ain't got no clue about women. I'm glad he ended our affair. I was getting bored anyways.''

I feel so stupid. I spend all that money on her, on expensive restaurants, paying for her gas, helping her with groceries, etc. It got to the point that there was a time I was thinking of booking a flight ticket to other city or state to go with her for a 1 or 2 (then tell my wife I was going on a business trip) and calling sick for work. I was such an idiot like she stated.

Edited October 23, 2022 by DazedconfusedM

[ExpatInItaly]

The fact that you are still upset about being "used" by your AP tells me your priorities are still completely screwed up. 

What she thinks is of no consequence to saving your marriage. Are you trying to save the marriage because you genuinely want to, or because your AP didn't really want you in the end? 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

Besides the well written explaination of us having to worried about whether it's our child or not, it can also be our territorial instinct. Knowing someone else enter her, can We need to feel we're the best man for her, the one she selects to be her life partner, her provider, the father of her children. Some things are just the way they are and won't change not even if condoms and pills are already invented, no matter what year it is. 

Unfortunately finding out your spouse is cheating through a forum post from strangers (it sounds like they sent her your post as well) is about as "debilitating to our own self-esteem, ego, pride" as it gets.

You didn't "spare her" any  cloak and dagger private investigator costs such as illegal tracking, keyloggers, or recording devices.

She already sensed and knew. You may have thought you had her fooled with lies but let's face it sudden shifts in behavior and attitude within a marriage are quite palpable.

It must have been humiliating to both of you to be outted on that site.

All you can do is realize she's not as clueless as you thought and if she forgives you, don't think of it as a green light to try it again. 

Also try not to be lulled into a false sense of security. The pain suffering and private (and public) humiliation you caused may never actually be forgiven or forgotten. At any time she can pick up the phone and get a free consultation with a divorce attorney and he'll tell her about her options. Including the proof you left on that site.

Toe the line be transparent and it's not your job to heal the wounds you inflicted, since you're now considered untrustworthy. She'll heal with the help of friends, family and professionals.

[DazedconfusedM]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The fact that you are still upset about being "used" by your AP tells me your priorities are still completely screwed up. 

What she thinks is of no consequence to saving your marriage. Are you trying to save the marriage because you genuinely want to, or because your AP didn't really want you in the end? 

 

I had already ended my affair a week before receiving that text. I found out she was a golddigger 2 days after confessing. Therefore, I do really want to save my marriage. It just still hurts to be used. My wife wants to save our marriage too and is forgiving me. She's understandably hurt at the moment. 

[DazedconfusedM]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately finding out your spouse is cheating through a forum post from strangers (it sounds like they sent her your post as well) is about as "debilitating to our own self-esteem, ego, pride" as it gets.

You didn't "spare her" any  cloak and dagger private investigator costs such as illegal tracking, keyloggers, or recording devices.

She already sensed and knew. You may have thought you had her fooled with lies but let's face it sudden shifts in behavior and attitude within a marriage are quite palpable.

It must have been humiliating to both of you to be outted on that site.

Actually I posted a week after she posted on that site. Someone sent me her post and I confessed the following day. The reason she got out of that site is because some posts kept telling her ''serves him right if he cheats, is the least you deserve''. Meanwhile there were other posters that said no, that she didn't deserve it and that if I cheated than I'm a lot worse. She wasn't anymore on that site when I posted my version. 

She doesn't want to file for divorce though. She wants to work it out and save our marriage; hence why she's agreeing to continue marriage counseling. In her post, even she felt that she deserved it. There is a reason why even though she's hurt at this moment, she has a softer attitude, hasn't even yelled at me and is willing to work it out. She feels that it would be hypocritical not to forgive me.

To know where we're coming from and why my wife stance is softer, this is the background. We went to couple counseling sessions long ago in 2002. We were bf and gf at the time (she was 19 and I was 20), I returned to my home early once and found her and my former friend Tony asleep in the couch in a compromising position, the TV running and a nearly empty wine bottle. At the time we were dating for 11 months and she cheated with Tony for 3 months. Initially I broke up but she was persistent in winning me back, earning my trust back, I took her back, we worked it out, our relationship got stronger by April 2006, I proposed and we got married in Feb 2007.  

Even though I've already made her aware my recent, present-day cheating was never about a revenge affair like she thought, she still thinks it was kind of deserved.

Edited October 23, 2022 by DazedconfusedM

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

I feel so stupid. I spend all that money on her 

She sold you a fantasy and you bought it. Get over it. This should be the least of your concerns right now.

Explaining to your wife that 6000 bucks are gone is probably a bigger concern.

But this is not about the money. Affairs are selfish. Recovering from affairs should be a time where the “me” is not so important, and your spouse is. How you feel about having been taken advantage of, does not get priority now.

If you’re serious about saving your marriage, accept the fact that you will be riding the back seat for a while, your wife in the front.

ask yourself if that is acceptable to you, after all, you do have your own feelings which are also legit. find your boundary. How deep do you want to go? And be prepared does the outcome may be that you don’t want to invest in saving your marriage after all. this may sound a little bit unfair, infidelity started with you and no you don’t want to save your marriage anymore, but it is a valid outcome.

but also consider the following: from what we read in this topic, your wife seems a much better partner than the other woman you’ve been able to get involved with.

[DazedconfusedM]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

She sold you a fantasy and you bought it. Get over it. This should be the least of your concerns right now.

Explaining to your wife that 6000 bucks are gone is probably a bigger concern.

But this is not about the money. Affairs are selfish. 

Even though my wife is relatively calmer but hurt, I understand my position of being in the backseat at this moment. It was very selfish and I'm not calling my affair a mistake like many others that cheated do. I'm calling it my selfish decision that should've never been made; trading a stable marriage for garbage. That money should've been towards my wife and children, towards us. By giving my ex AP that money, I took away affection, dedication, love and quality time towards my family. I've been a terrible husband and father those 4 months. Now I'm putting every single dedication and effort on saving my marriage.

Edited October 23, 2022 by DazedconfusedM

[Lotsgoingon]

Let's say the OW hadn't swindled you. And let's say you hadn't paid $6,000 on her. 

Let's say you spent $200.00. 

What would be your feelings about the affair? Saying you regret the money and being swindled should be down on the list of what was wrong with cheating. Bottom of the list--a side effect. Otherwise, you seem still quite attached to the OW and certainly open to another OW should you be able to keep spending to a low amount. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

  giving my ex AP that money, I took away affection, dedication, love and quality time towards my family. I've been a terrible husband and father those 4 months. Now I'm putting every single dedication and effort on saving my marriage.

You may consider private individual therapy to examine what happened there and why. You can't just be in the dog house a while and beat yourself up over it. It's better to get insight for yourself privately to see what's going on inside you, not just inside the marriage.

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

Even though my wife is relatively calmer but hurt, I understand my position of being in the backseat at this moment. It was very selfish and I'm not calling my affair a mistake like many others that cheated do. I'm calling it my selfish decision that should've never been made; trading a stable marriage for garbage. That money should've been towards my wife and children, towards us. By giving my ex AP that money, I took away affection, dedication, love and quality time towards my family. I've been a terrible husband and father those 4 months. Now I'm putting every single dedication and effort on saving my marriage.

My two cents:

1. you know it quite well, at least on the intellectual level. Do you also feel it this way?

2. your wife seems a lovely and devoted spouse.

Now let’s be completely honest. Even if your wife is an amazingly good wife, it does not automatically imply you have to be totally into her. 

[mark clemson]

On 10/23/2022 at 8:38 AM, DazedconfusedM said:

 By giving my ex AP that money, I took away affection, dedication, love and quality time towards my family. I've been a terrible husband and father those 4 months. Now I'm putting every single dedication and effort on saving my marriage.

 

A serious hobby does this as well, so no need to beat yourself up too much over this aspect. Only a selfish partner demands ALL of their spouse's time/interest/money. (If the hobby/interest becomes too much, the spouse can always ask you to rein it in.) You're allowed to have a life (at least in a healthy marriage).

What's different is that a hobby is known about, isn't considered a betrayal, and your spouse doesn't feel hurt when they find out about it. If you're going to feel bad about anything, feel bad about the risk you took and how it made your wife feel to find out about it.

Your spouse may need "space" to process what's happened. I'd suggest not going overboard trying to "make it up to her" - instead give her a bit of space, while still being earnest about reconciliation, and be attentive to what she does seem to want from you and make sure to give her that.

One the ironies of affairs seems to be that the WS is often left "chasing" a BS who wants little to do with them until they can emotionally process what happened (and sometimes not after that either). The WS has become a sincere and genuinely safe partner (sometimes) at this point due to their own distress over the prospect of losing the BS, but the BS (quite understandably) doesn't see it because they no longer trust.

[DazedconfusedM]

On 10/23/2022 at 11:04 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

Let's say the OW hadn't swindled you. And let's say you hadn't paid $6,000 on her. 

Let's say you spent $200.00. 

What would be your feelings about the affair? Saying you regret the money and being swindled should be down on the list of what was wrong with cheating. Bottom of the list--a side effect. Otherwise, you seem still quite attached to the OW and certainly open to another OW should you be able to keep spending to a low amount. 

I regret everything. I was having overwhelming guilt during those months I was cheating. I'm angry at myself for letting myself get used, for even cheating on my wife. At the same time, she's hurt but so forgiving. It hurts me to see her cry. It really does.

[DazedconfusedM]

On 10/23/2022 at 4:08 PM, Will am I said:

your wife seems a lovely and devoted spouse.

Indeed. I'm about to sound like a jerk for what I'll say but it's like a major part of me guessed correctly that she would be willing to forgive me and work it out. For what I did, she should've been more than just hurt and crying. She should've been fuming and even threatening a divorce, which would've been understandable. She became the super docile, sweet person ever since I took her back 20 years ago, too sweet. She changed for the better since. I know she's so dedicated and put all the work back then but right now I would've deserved to get yelled at, put in place. When I was cheating and coming drunk at home, she was being tolerant to that too. Many women wouldn't have put up with the drunken episodes either. I love my wife. It hurts me seeing her cry. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by DazedconfusedM

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, DazedconfusedM said:

She should've been fuming and even threatening a divorce

Good partners don’t go around threatening with divorce, although that does not mean they never file for divorce.

There’s no point in self punishment. yes, you deserve your wife’s anger, but you don’t need it if she doesn’t.

You’re not completely in the safe zone yet. there is still the possibility that you work very hard that’s restoring your marriage but ultimately she is not able to put this behind her, the hurt just keeps popping up. In that scenario, there will be a divorce, but it may be easier to digest when you know you have both given it your all.

Edited October 25, 2022 by Will am I

[Wiseman2]

Does your wife know about the money you squandered on this woman? It may come out since married couples have joint finances.

Have you considered seeing your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Get some tests done. Get rid of bad habits like getting drunk.

There's a great deal you can (and need to) do outside of confessions and marriage therapy. Fix the root and it's win-win, or take your chances and it will be iffy whether your marriage lasts or you're happy again.

[DazedconfusedM]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does your wife know about the money you squandered on this woman? It may come out since married couples have joint finances.

 

Yes she does. I told her everything upon confessing. I've stopped with the drinks. I only did that when I was cheating and drinking was of trying to get rid of my guilt. I've considered seeking individual counseling too. I'll look forward to that as well. 

 

[glows]

You realize it takes time for shock to wear off? It may be months or years but she may eventually change her mind about the marriage. What you see now isn’t necessarily what your wife thinks or wants of the marriage some time from now. 

You’re taking a risk reconciling and are vulnerable regardless of all the cheating, financial infidelity, and other transgressions being neglectful and out of control with drinking. 

I am sorry but no one and not even your wife, no therapist, absolutely no one can give you guarantees on whether your reconciliation will hold and for how long your marriage lasts. Time will have to tell and there’s no short cut. Be upfront and honest from now on but it will be a leap of faith and a large one at that. This was a huge betrayal in every sense.

Confessing is part of reconciliation. Stop living a double life. It happened once, don’t let it happen again. There are no escapes in this life. Make improvements where you need to see improvement in yourself, your living situation etc. Find joy and validation in improving yourself and living well, seeing that your family lives well too. You have a new job so don’t waste the opportunity. Make something of it and stay busy and occupied. You can’t hurry this process of reconciliation and there are no guarantees.