notmyfinestmoment Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 I have been meaning to write this post for sometime now. I was a divorced OW that found myself in a year+ affair with a MM. I would spend hours digging through this entire forum looking for advice and for posts that were helpful in my healing. Specifically, for people that were able to recover from this and to find that "happy ending" even if it wasn't with the MM. It wasn't something that either of us were looking for, but once we revealed our feelings for each other, the relationship grew deeper and deeper and it got harder to walk away from. We loved each other deeply, but watching him struggle with what to do and the emotional toll it was taking on me finally gave me the courage to end it. It was a very difficult road and it took longer than I would have liked to recover from it (it was worse than my divorce). Between my friends and a very non-judgmental counselor, I was able to work through the hurt. During this time (probably about a year), I did not date because I didn't want to hurt anyone because I knew I wasn't "emotionally available" (never knew what that was until this situation!). And then it happened! I met an amazing man. He is literally what dreams are made of and I wonder every day how I got so lucky. He is loving, kind, affectionate, is amazing with my kids. I trust him to no end! He proposed on a beautiful beach after 5 months of dating. We married seven months later and have been married for a year now. He is the real deal. When I look back at the mess I was in with the ExMM, I cringe. After much reflection (and counseling), I realize how broken and lonely I was when that affair started. I know how that small piece of connection and love I was getting at that time caused me to enter into a relationship that offered some of the most highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I also think of how if I had met my husband anytime during my affair with the MM or during the year-long devastation of the break-up, I would have missed out on the best thing (other than my kids) that has ever happened to me. I am being 100% honest when I say that thoughts of him still get triggered by songs, places, etc.. They aren't thoughts that I get lost in or lose sight of my wonderful husband. I loved ExMM deeply and I will never forget him. But I have come to the conclusion that happens with anyone you have loved. There are songs and places that remind me of my high school boyfriend or my ex-husband too (makes me think of the song "I Go Back to Kenny Chesney"). I guess that I just wanted anyone on here looking to know if there is life after the wreckage of an affair with a MM, THERE IS! But you have to give yourself time to heal and that timeline is different for everyone (could be months, could be years). My suggestion is also avoid triggers like looking them up on the internet or social media. I never look....I don't want to know. The pull of the deep feelings that go with an affair are not to be messed with because I know had I entertained that by an innocent "I wonder how he is doing" and then looking on Facebook/LinkedIn, I would fall right back down the rabbit hole that I successfully got out of. Also remember, you are not defined by one poor choice you made. Life is either a blessing or a lesson. This was by far the most painful lesson of them all!!!! 8 4 Link to post Share on other sites
yogathenwine Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 I’m so happy to hear your happy ending, thank you for sharing your inspirational story. Congratulations to you both🥂 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 Happy for you that you found someone and are in a good marriage/relationship now! Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 (edited) We posted here around the same time. I remembered you, my friend. I'm so very happy to hear that you found someone and are in a good marriage/ relationship now. Like you, I struggled so much during that time because deep feelings got involved. When you truly love(d) someone, it changes you. Not wanting to romanticize what you're already worked past, I did want to acknowledge your point that simple things like a old song or a memory can remind or be a trigger, for better or for worse. The past helped to shape you into who you are today and I think it's perfectly normal and healthy to look back (so long as the past isn't dwelled on). Only in looking back can you see how far you've come along. And you have. I'm glad you took time off before finding and meeting your now husband. Like you, I'd say it took me nearly a year before I was at a place where I can really make a decision with my situation/person. I won't go into my story here - maybe some day - but my path played out differently, and we are at a good, stable and healthy place now. Provided that work is done, I think your update helps those to know that time gives everyone the grace to heal (in your case, with a happy ending, or beginning, as they say). 🙂 Thanks for sharing your wonderful update. I'm so happy to read. Edited October 21, 2022 by spiritedaway2003 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 Yay! Congratulations. Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 This is great to read - well done! Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 51 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said: I won't go into my story here - maybe some day - but my path played out differently, and we are at a good, stable and healthy place now. Sorry for being nosy, but did you end up with your MM? I was a MW in an affair with a MM, and we are now very happily married with a family. It's pretty uncommon that it turns out that way, and of course it does a lot of damage along the way to many people.... so I'm always curious about others in a similar situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmyfinestmoment Posted October 21, 2022 Author Share Posted October 21, 2022 Thanks so much everyone! I remember all of you guys from when I was posting and you were so understanding/helpful throughout my storm. Your words helped more than you will ever know. This forum (minus the trolls...lol) was a lifeline! That situation left a scar on my heart forever. I'm not sure why that relationship affected me so deeply (again, worse than my divorce), but my thought is that there is a steep price for being involved in something like that....it changed me. @spiritedaway2003 I remember you well my friend too!!! All of our emails when we were both going through the same thing!!! I am sending you a private email to see how you are doing! @Birdies You aren't being nosey at all! I did not end up with my MM. We struggled with it and both wanted that, but the damage you mentioned that would come was too much. His indecision was a decision and I just had to cut if off to save myself. Our affair was never discovered, so deciding to walk away at the height of our love for each other was pretty brutal. Your outcome is definitely one of the rarities and I am happy that it all worked out in the end for you. Sometimes, marriages are just not a good fit, but once you have a family, it gets harder to make a change. Some people spend a lifetime like that, while others weather the storm of leaving and move onto happier lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted October 21, 2022 Share Posted October 21, 2022 @notmyfinestmoment Oh absolutely, I think my outcome would have been much different if either of us had had kids. That makes things so much more complicated. I'm sorry for everything you went through and hope you're doing ok these days! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 22, 2022 Share Posted October 22, 2022 Congratulations! I am so happy when a poster comes back and gives these updates! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 24, 2022 Share Posted October 24, 2022 (edited) On 10/21/2022 at 2:38 PM, Birdies said: Sorry for being nosy, but did you end up with your MM? I was a MW in an affair with a MM, and we are now very happily married with a family. It's pretty uncommon that it turns out that way, and of course it does a lot of damage along the way to many people.... so I'm always curious about others in a similar situation. Hi @Birdies, yes, we're still together! I have some sensitivities posting the details given the damage caused, so PM if there's anything specific you want to talk about. I was not a MW though. I was single (no kids) and he had kids. Short version: short affair and DDay happened quickly. I left and we went NC. In the end, they decided to separate - he couldn't commit to a reconciliation for reasons that are his own. We were already in NC then so he had no idea if I've already moved on (I was trying to move on, desperately). We didn't get back together immediately. We ended having a lot of honest and difficult conversations to see how or if there's even a way for us to move forward. We even ended things a few times. It wasn't because there wasn't love (that was the only constant in all the chaos) but it was because we had broken ourselves and we needed to fix ourselves first. With each of us doing our own work, we finally got to a point - about a year - where we were both open to seeing where things take us. There were no guarantees but we've been together even since and we're happy in a loving and committed relationship. I always envision a healthy romantic relationship to be open, loving and affectionate and I am grateful that we have that kind of relationship. Even when we disagree, we'd do so respectfully and thoughtfully. He is my best friend and the love of my life. On the flip side of things, these situations causes enormous hurt and damage, so there are relationships that have been severely damaged/changed. He held himself accountable and he certainly has regrets over how things was handled, as do I. To be honest, I think there will always be little sadness there, and I think it'll always be there because it's linked to a past that cannot be changed. It doesn't change our relationship and I think that is true for all things, for any decision in which you have to choose one way or the other. For example, I know I would regret for the rest of my days if I hadn't given us a chance after he separated, even though walking away would have been the cleanest/easiest path for me. Neither of us are interested in re-writing history. We know our own truths - in hindsight, we can see the things we did right and missteps we had, with all the intensity of feelings that was bearing on us at the time. We can only try to accept and move forward (with all the consequences) and do the best we can. I'm glad to hear that you are at a good place! Edited October 24, 2022 by spiritedaway2003 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aitna Posted October 26, 2022 Share Posted October 26, 2022 Hello guys,it's aitna I hope you remember me .I was about to open a new thread but I can write in this thread my news as we say here the good news. If anyone consider my good news truly good 🤪 He left his home at the beggining of September,he rent a small house but we live together in my house from then. We are very good together we are happy,his children are very good but they still dont know about me. His wife he tells me that seems ok,too. So let's hope this time we stay together forever and be as happy as now. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 26, 2022 Share Posted October 26, 2022 ^^ you should really start your own thread, but good for you. People leave relationships they're not happy in all the time. Hopefully things will continue to work out for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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