Major anxiety potentially rekindling a LDR that fell apart

[glows]

It seems you struggle with the concept of loneliness.

Ironically the relationship sounds just as lonely in some aspects. I’m curious why there’s such a tremendous fear of being on your own? Why not challenge your idea of loneliness and “misery”? It’s possible to be miserable and lonely within an incompatible relationship too.

For as long as she’s in your life in any capacity unfortunately you’ll be tempted to go back to what’s known as it’s more convenient than trying for the unknown. This is a very natural response to back away from the unknown.  

Every relationship has had its bright moments and loving times. You shared life together so it’s impossible to take that away and very normal to remember the good times mixed in. Similarly I can appreciate the good times with an ex, for example, without crossing those boundaries that make a relationship possible. I understand loneliness in different contexts but am able to weigh the risks. Some situations are riskier than others and the unknown is far more attractive.
 

[agonyandirony]

3 hours ago, glows said:

It seems you struggle with the concept of loneliness.

Ironically the relationship sounds just as lonely in some aspects. I’m curious why there’s such a tremendous fear of being on your own? Why not challenge your idea of loneliness and “misery”? It’s possible to be miserable and lonely within an incompatible relationship too.

For as long as she’s in your life in any capacity unfortunately you’ll be tempted to go back to what’s known as it’s more convenient than trying for the unknown. This is a very natural response to back away from the unknown.  

Every relationship has had its bright moments and loving times. You shared life together so it’s impossible to take that away and very normal to remember the good times mixed in. Similarly I can appreciate the good times with an ex, for example, without crossing those boundaries that make a relationship possible. I understand loneliness in different contexts but am able to weigh the risks. Some situations are riskier than others and the unknown is far more attractive.
 

Yea you're right and I need to think of the opportunity cost - like the fear of being alone, is keeping me in a situation that prevents me from moving forward with someone who will make me happy. On a rational level I totally get what you're saying. 

It is miserable and lonely in some respects. I feel sad and lost. I feel guilty because she was trying to rekindle things a while back (not long after things were particularly bad between us) and I was reluctant/cautious. Things have since deteriorated and I'm wondering if it's my fault and I've messed everything up. If I had worked with her when she was trying maybe it would have worked out. Maybe if I had visited her sooner things wouldn't have gotten so bad. I feel guilty about other times where I have made mistakes trying to navigating this ordeal, but then it shouldn't really be an ordeal should it. It's not supposed to be like this. I know I did try my best to do the right thing for her and us. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

. I feel guilty about other times where I have made mistakes trying to navigating this ordeal,.

Ask your therapist to refer you to a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Supportive therapy is excellent, but only if you follow the advice. In this case you seem almost paralyzed by ruminating, guilt, withdrawal and other things that could use further investigation.