Why does it hurt so much

[Feelingunloved2]

I did not even pursue this man.  I was not even sure if the neighbor woman was only friends with him or a girlfriend.  He started complimenting me and flirting with me. I thought he was a nice and honest guy, so I think I fell in love with him.  Then I find out that she is his girlfriend.  It felt like I was not thinking clearly because like the stupid person I am, I agreed to have an affair with him. Knowing that he was never going to leave his long-term girlfriend. Just because I fell in love with him before knowing that was his girlfriend and I did not want to get hurt by breaking up with him.  I did not want to hurt him either.  I should have said no to the affair and dealt with my broken heart then.  But I told myself that maybe she is mean to him because I actually thought that a nice man like him would not cheat if she was not mean.  Now I found out he is just a jerk.  He is eyeing up another woman now.  He told me that.  I bet you she does not know he has a long term girlfriend either.  It sounds like this woman is flirting with him.  So, I guess I am history.  I feel like a fool.  I never ever got involved with another woman's man before.  This situation was all new to me.  I have been trying so hard to keep my distance from him but everytime he would contact me, I would be happy to talk to him. My self esteem was low enough before meeting him and now it is even lower, if that is possible.  I guess I am jealous of the new woman he has lined up.  I was jealous of his girlfriend before he talked to me about this new woman.  I never initiated contact with him throughout the affair.  He always contacted me.  This is awful.  It is unlike being the main girlfriend where I could contact him and tell him to never contact me again. He stops contacting me for a couple of weeks.  Then I keep myself busy and slowly start feeling better, then he contacts me again and I forget all the pain that I endured when he made me feel heartbroken before.  It is like an addiction.  I keep taking him back even though I know what we are doing is wrong.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Feelingunloved2 said:

 not even sure if the neighbor woman was only friends with him or a girlfriend.  He started complimenting me and flirting with me.

Sorry this happened. Is he your neighbor or is his GF? Do they live together? How old is he?

The key is to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Reflect on what the voids or vulnerabilities were that led to this.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men with integrity. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses. Be busy. Meet people and make friends.

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Figure out what you are avoiding. Affairs are easy. All it takes is being present. There's no risk of real involvement. Yet the pain exists. So in effect, it's a lose-lose situation.

[BaileyB]

Girl, you got to take control of your own life because it is YOUR life - YOU make the decisisons!!

First things first - 

4 hours ago, Feelingunloved2 said:

I was not even sure if the neighbor woman was only friends with him or a girlfriend. 

That required immediate clarification way back when… It sounds a little ridiculous after the fact to say - I knew there was another woman, I just didn’t know if she was his wife, his girlfriend, his sister, a roommate, a friend… You need to know before you have sex with the man. 

4 hours ago, Feelingunloved2 said:

I agreed to have an affair with him. Knowing that he was never going to leave his long-term girlfriend. Just because I fell in love with him before knowing that was his girlfriend

Kindly, one does not stop thinking because they feel something toward another. “I loved him” is the phrase used by so many other women who decided to throw caution and rational thought to the wind…

4 hours ago, Feelingunloved2 said:

He always contacted me.  It is unlike being the main girlfriend where I could contact him and tell him to never contact me again. He stops contacting me for a couple of weeks.  Then I keep myself busy and slowly start feeling better, then he contacts me again

Of course you can tell him to stop contacting you. Change your number, block him. Move. Whatever you need to do, but tell him to leave you alone. It’s your decision, not his. YOU make the decisions in your life - own that. 

I’m sorry that you are hurting, but it’s not going to stop until you decide to take control of your life. And, all I see here is how you believe that you have been a victim of fate and this man - you knew full well that he had another woman in your life, the resulting heartache is the natural consequence of a poor decision. Good luck.

Edited October 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

That’s what the block feature on cell phones nowadays is for. Is he calling your landline? Tell him directly to stop calling you and let it go to voicemail. He’s a serial cheater and not really anybody special.

Do you have anyone close to you you can talk to? Join clubs and groups and stay active. Take care of your mind and body and do other things. He can ring all he wants but you’re not home or you’re too busy to care.

You’re in the habit of caring about what he thinks. He has you hooked and played into his life and issues and blah blah blah/his sad stories of himself if any.

You have your own life to live so go live it. You don’t need his ok or to give him any updates. He’s dust, in the rearview mirror, bye. Get going and do your own thing.

[FMW]

It won't stop hurting until you take responsibility for your choices.  Accept that you chose and continue to choose to be available to him, and use however that makes you feel - hurt, ashamed, used, disgusted, etc. - to let him go and move on.  Not actively pursuing him doesn't mean you weren't a part of it.  You accepted his moves, thereby agreeing to the situation.  

Feeling like you are his victim and that you have no control to resist him is what is keeping you stuck.  Take control, stop accepting his calls.  Loving him is absolutely no excuse to let it keep happening.  Many of us have had to let go of someone we loved and move on.  It's hard for a while, but very much worth the effort to move past it.

Seek out help for your low self esteem.  If you can't afford or don't want to go see a counselor, there are plenty of books, and free articles and videos on the internet.  Spend your time focusing on healing yourself.  Just the simple act of taking action to change things will make you feel stronger and better about yourself.  And that in turn will make you wonder why you were holding on to him.