My boyfriend is ignoring me

[V_bx]

I was wondering if anyone can help me make sense of this.

I have been dating a guy for 4 months and it went quite serious quite quickly. Its long distance and he works away but we facetime every morning, every evening and in-between too, constantly in contact with each other. He was meant to come to mine on Wednesday, we were going to alton towers with my son and then we had a hotel booked just the two of us for a few days. I text him saying text me before you leave and he said he will, he was just having dinner with his daughter as her and her mum were going on holiday the next day. 

He never showed up, i tried to call him the next day but nothing, he text me the next morning saying morning babe i will call you in a bit just sorting some stuff out but he never did. I text him telling him im worried about him, i dont understand etc i was never angry i was just concerned. I then messaged his mum on facebook the day after as i managed to find her explaining my worry and she said he is fine, he just needs a few days. He will message me and hes sorry about the weekend. I then text him that night as i was drunk telling him in struggling, i said im glad you;re ok but im really not. He then text me this morning (We are nw on Saturday, he was meant to come to mine Wed night) saying i am sorry, i have lost my head, im not ok but i havent told my mum as i dont want her to worry. I said where are you and he said in hospital with my mum, shes getting tests done that i didnt know about. I said can i drive to you and he said i dont know. He said he would call me later but he still hasnt. The girl who set up up sent him a message saying why are you treating her like this she deserves better and she regrets setting us up so then he messages saying why is Sarah messaging me giving me s***, i replied saying how id spoke to her as i was upset and i had no idea she was going to text him. I blew up his phone saying im sorry, she shouldnt have text you i had no idea she would blah blah please reply to me and still nothing.

I cant deal with how close we were and how much we used to facetime to absoutely nothing, he told me he had fallen in love with me 2 weeks ago when he was drunk, we told each other we had found our person, he was so in to me and now just nothing. I am literally in bits i miss him so much but its the not knowing, I have no idea if this is the end of us or why hes not here, why hes not talking to me, why hes lost his head, nothing. He does have ADHD and has said to me he gets extreme highs and lows but hes never done anything like this before, we chat for hours usually im just so hurt and confused and i am just praying i hear from him as i care about him so much.

[FMW]

Unfortunately there is nothing more to do right now.  Give him space - meaning stop texting him, stop reaching out to others about him.  He knows you care, he knows you're concerned.  You can't force him to do what you want, even if it's just to talk to you.  He'll come around when he's ready, not before. Don't tear yourself up over something you have no control over.  

Right now the only power you have is over yourself.  With purpose and intention, focus on yourself and what will bring you a little peace and calm.  Take your energy away from him, it isn't doing either of you any good.  Make plans with friends or family.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, V_bx said:

He never showed up, i tried to call him the next day but nothing, he text me the next morning saying morning babe i will call you in a bit just sorting some stuff out but he never did. I text him telling him im worried about him, i dont understand etc i was never angry i was just concerned. I then messaged his mum on facebook the day after as i managed to find her explaining my worry and she said he is fine.

It may have been a whirlwind relationship, but distance is difficult. Not only did he stand you up, he's lying about things and leading some sort of double life. This is not something you should forgive/forget out of desperation. 

Stop communicating with him and and especially, his people. If in the "honeymoon stage" he's pulling disappearing stunts like this it's a not a good sign and indicates there is a complete lack of respect for you/your family.

Edited October 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

Unfortunately he didn't have the courage to break up with you properly.  Instead he just didn't show up to a planned get-together and then made up weird excuses and has avoided telling you the truth.  So now there is nothing left for you to do but read between the lines and understand that this is his twisted way of ending things with you.  He doesn't want to be with you anymore.  Stop texting him, stop contacting him, and move on from this.  

Do not contact his mom, that is inappropriate.  It's not your place to be worried about his well-being or his health, you are not his girlfriend anymore.  He is an adult and it's his life.

[V_bx]

Of course its my place to be worried and hes not broken up with me. He said he will call me i just need to give him time. I just wanted help getting my head around it, hes got adhd so has highs and lows

[LynneVicious]

When did him and the mother of his child break up?

[NuevoYorko]

How often have you spent time face to face in the 4 months you've been together?

[V_bx]

I don’t know exactly but it wasn’t long before we got together. Maybe a month before. But he’s been trying to leave her for a long time, he was never happy I knew this as he’d was texting me and they’ve split up before but he got back because of his daughter 

[V_bx]

We have only spent 5 days together in london but it was the most amazing 5 days I’ve ever had.

he text me on Monday saying every day I miss you more and more, I can’t believe we’ve only spent 5 days together when it feels like it’s been us for a long time I just want to get to you and hold you. 
 

this was 3 days before he just didn’t show up it’s heartbreaking 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, V_bx said:

 before we got together. Maybe a month before. But he’s been trying to leave her for a long time, 

Ok. You dodged a bullet if he's on/off with her. That's probably why he stood you up. 

Being in the crossfire of anyone's on/off relationship is nothing but headaches and heartaches,as you've already seen. 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Free yourself for someone local and free and clear to date without messy entanglements.

[giotto]

2 hours ago, V_bx said:

I don’t know exactly but it wasn’t long before we got together. Maybe a month before. But he’s been trying to leave her for a long time, he was never happy I knew this as he’d was texting me and they’ve split up before but he got back because of his daughter 

Maybe he didn't leave his wife after all...

[V_bx]

He definitely left his wife, we facetime every morning and every night and hes at his mums, he went on holiday in the summer with just his daughter, now shes gone with just the daughter so its not that

[LynneVicious]

6 hours ago, V_bx said:

I don’t know exactly but it wasn’t long before we got together. Maybe a month before. But he’s been trying to leave her for a long time, he was never happy I knew this as he’d was texting me and they’ve split up before but he got back because of his daughter 

I understand they may have broken up. However, if he left her a mere month before starting with you, then 1. He is still married and 2. In almost all certainty, he is back with his ex. 

He may say he’s over his ex, but you really need to stop listening to words at this point and listen to actions. 

It is very dangerous to get involved with someone so soon after a relationship, because of this reason. So I think he either went back with his wife or is not ready for another relationship. 

At worst, he’s back with his wife. At best, you’re a rebound. I’m sorry and I know ir hurts, but this relationship doesn’t have a leg to stand on. 

[FMW]

The part of the story that is most revealing is that he was newly separated from his wife.  It doesn't matter if the marriage was bad and he had been trying to leave her for a long time.  Apparently they have ongoing issues with being able to stay apart - you don't "try" to leave, you either do it or you don't.  The ambiguity indicates they haven't resolved their relationship one way or the other.  

Additionally, the fact that you've only spent 5 days together in total doesn't establish a strong connection.  You haven't had time to get to know each other, haven't seen each other in day to day situations that reveal who you really are to each other and allow you to truly bond.  

Given this additional information, I don't think you should put any more time or effort into him, nor should you wait for him to come back to you.  He's not a safe option for you to invest in any further.  He's got unfinished business and your bond isn't strong enough to support holding on.  

[LynneVicious]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

The part of the story that is most revealing is that he was newly separated from his wife.  It doesn't matter if the marriage was bad and he had been trying to leave her for a long time.  Apparently they have ongoing issues with being able to stay apart - you don't "try" to leave, you either do it or you don't.  The ambiguity indicates they haven't resolved their relationship one way or the other.  

Additionally, the fact that you've only spent 5 days together in total doesn't establish a strong connection.  You haven't had time to get to know each other, haven't seen each other in day to day situations that reveal who you really are to each other and allow you to truly bond.  

Given this additional information, I don't think you should put any more time or effort into him, nor should you wait for him to come back to you.  He's not a safe option for you to invest in any further.  He's got unfinished business and your bond isn't strong enough to support holding on.  

You said it better than I did lol. Agree wholeheartedly. 

[Stret]

21 hours ago, V_bx said:

Of course its my place to be worried and hes not broken up with me. He said he will call me i just need to give him time. I just wanted help getting my head around it, hes got adhd so has highs and lows

You are already making up excuses for his poor and disrespectful behaviour. Whatever it is that you feel, you have to stop bothering him both directly and indirectly through other people. He told you to give him space, so do it and don't hope for anything from him but go on with your life. Have some self respect or else, even if he comes back, this treatment is going to be standard in your relationship. You're teaching him how to treat you and showing him what you're willing to put up with, what lies can pass, etc. I was with ADHD guy and wasted 3 years of my life on him. Everything was always about him.

[Noproblem]

block him.

[Beachead]

 

@V_bx

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I can feel the anxiety in your posts.

I believe his recent marriage ending has a lot to do with his behavior.  Recently, is not really much time to process or move passed anything.  As  @FMWmentioned, you either leave or you don't.  "Trying to leave" only implies he's not resolved his issues yet, which is extremely dangerous for you, as I'm sure may understand now.

On 10/22/2022 at 1:23 PM, V_bx said:

He never showed up, i tried to call him the next day but nothing,

..there are certain things you should never do to people.  This is one of them.  This shows lack of consideration.  Unreliability.  Disrespect.  It also puts you in a position where if you forgive it and move passed it, you'd only be disrespecting yourself and teaching him it's okay to treat you this way.  

I would break this off and block him.  He's proven he's not a reliable person in your life.

Edited October 24, 2022 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

He's far too fresh out of the marriage to be dating anyone else, OP. 

It doesn't matter if he left her or had been unhappy. Anyone a month out of a marriage is not dating material. There are too many loose ends to tie up, too many adjustments to make, too much emotional chaos. It was just not wise to invest in this guy. 

And just as importantly - any decent man would have at least clued you in that he wasn't going to be able to make it. This one stood you up and left you hanging to fret and you had to track him down rather than him doing the right thing and contacting you himself. That is unacceptable and beyond disrespectful. But it tells you something important - he is not into this anymore. And it should be a dealbreaker for you. This is not a good guy. 

Given that you have only spent 5 days together in 4 months, you need to be honest with yourself that this is not and never has been a solid relationship. You can't have a relationship through the phone, as you're learning the painful way. All the sweet words in the world do not make up for quality time in person. And you two just didn't have that. FaceTiming is not dating. 

All of the above would tell me without a shadow of a doubt that this needs to end. And my sense is that this is what he's trying to do anyway. He's a goner. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 10/23/2022 at 12:50 AM, V_bx said:

We have only spent 5 days together in london but it was the most amazing 5 days I’ve ever had.

 

I'm sorry, but you don't have enough of a foundation with this relationship to support the amount of weight both of you've already put on it.   You've only known him for 4 months. Even if you had a lot more interaction in real life, it's way too much, too fast.

The nonstop facetiming - not sustainable.  Serious conversations with you / him / maybe both of you drunk?  Not good. 

On top of that he is just barely out of a marriage.

You truly need to back WAY off.  The only way this relationship could work would be if both of you were committed to bringing your best whenever you could be together.  Contact one time a day otherwise ("good night" texting / calling / facetime is good).   Unfortunately that ship has already sailed and you've gotten way too ahead of things and I don't think you can put that back into appropriate perspective now.  I'm pretty sure he's feeling it and that's why he ghosted on you.  

 

[glows]

On 10/22/2022 at 10:23 AM, V_bx said:

I cant deal with how close we were and how much we used to facetime to absoutely nothing,

I’m very sorry. Put some distance in the texts and calls or communication. This started off like a casual fling and might have grown to something else over long distance.

The risky part of this is that there’s so much you don’t know about him regarding his ex, his current situation. The very fact that you have no idea what is going on should be ringing alarm bells to a roar. 

Take a good look at what you’re missing in this and ask yourself if it’s helping fill a void of some kind in your life. He stood you up and doesn’t have the courage to be honest with you from the start. It makes one wonder what else or what other information he’s been withholding about himself, his family, any current circumstances. 

If you feel like you’re on the outside, it’s because you are. You don’t know this man well enough. Avoid overinvesting like this when there’s a situation you don’t understand. Step way back and cool off. Find other ways to cope, less of the need for him or anyone else to fill that void.

Edited October 24, 2022 by glows

[Tiddytok5]

I feel like he's lying to you about most things.

[V_bx]

Update 

He contacted me Sunday night after 4 days. He said he has no idea why he ghosted me and hates himself for upsetting me and ruining the weekend. He said he’s lost his head and thinks he has bipolar after talking to his Mum. He FaceTimed me again Monday, said he wants to come and see me so I stupidly agreed as he seemed genuine and I was worried about him. I said if you change your mind please just tell me.

He didn’t show up and has ghosted me again, so cruel and I’m done now 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, V_bx said:

He contacted me Sunday night after 4 days. He said he has no idea why he ghosted me and hates himself for upsetting me. He said he thinks he has bipolar. He wants to come and see me.

He didn’t show up and has ghosted me again, so cruel and I’m done now 

Yup. Done.

[kendahke]

On 10/22/2022 at 12:23 PM, V_bx said:

I have been dating a guy for 4 months

and it went quite serious quite quickly.

Its long distance and he works away

he was just having dinner with his daughter as her and her mum were going on holiday the next day. 

He never showed up,

i tried to call him the next day but nothing,

he text me the next morning saying morning babe i will call you in a bit just sorting some stuff out but he never did.

I then messaged his mum 
she said he is fine, he just needs a few days.

A few days to do what, exactly?

Quote

 I said can i drive to you and he said i dont know. He said he would call me later but he still hasnt.

My dear, he went on holiday with his wife and child.

The last 4 months was him having a tantrum. Tantrum's over now and mum's in the wagons being circled. She's trying to stay out of a colossal mess her son has made. I'd advise you not turning to her anymore. She's on his side, not yours.

Quote

he messages saying why is Sarah messaging me giving me s***, i replied saying how id spoke to her as i was upset and i had no idea she was going to text him. I blew up his phone saying im sorry, she shouldnt have text you i had no idea she would blah blah please reply to me and still nothing.

He's deflecting. He lied to you and went on vacation with his family. He knows he's in the wrong and is using this as a convenient tool to deflect blame.

I think this has run its course. It's long distance and he can't be truthful with you. Let him go have his life and vacation.